STUCK
The following monday Yeji wakes up without feeling anything at all, completely empty, shut down. As on autopilot she gets dressed, eats her breakfast and packs her bag. She brings her make-up into the bathroom on the upper floor and opens the bag to pick up her essential pieces. Mascara, eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. She lifts the dark brown tool and raises her gaze towards the mirror. A pair of bland lifeless eyes meets hers. It wasn’t too long ago since she stood here in her purple dress and reflected over Ryujin’s words about make up.
Yeji lowers her pencil. Ryujin, the forbidden name, the banished person, the safe heaven. Forcefully Yeji slams the pencil against the white porcelain sink. Damn it! She wasn’t going to think about her, yet she keeps doing so, over and over again. Her parents had apparently spent the whole Saturday night discussing Yeji and the reveal that happened during Jiheun’s 50th birthday party. Because the morning after they came into Yeji’s room and talked to her for over an hour. They had made a whole list of new rules for Yeji to follow, of course created with what’s best for her in mind. Yeji had only sat there and listened, only opening her mouth to answer yes or umm agreeingly. Because what’s there to do? They’re her parents, she lives in their house and therefore their rules apply. With a sinking mood Yeji listened to them lecturing her, forbidding her to see Ryujin ever again, telling her what a bad mistake it was to let Yeji spend time with her. They also grounded Yeji and only let her go to dance practice if she changed at home and left immediately after. Of course they were to drive her there as well, to maximize the time they can have their eyes on her. She also has to come home directly after school and will have to videocall her father as soon as she enters the house to prove it. What a prisoned life.
She sighs heavily and just then Hyunjin walks past the open door. He stops in his steps and turns his head towards his sister. With arms crossed over his chest he leans against the door frame.
“Are you alright?” He asks and Yeji wants to throw the pencil in his face for asking, but she doesn’t, of course. A well-behaved girl like her would never let her emotions take control over her. Instead a well-behaved girl would turn around and smile like a porcelain doll when answering the question. A well-behaved girl might do that, but Yeji doesn’t fall under that category any longer. Not according to her parents, not herself and probably not her brother either. Nonetheless Yeji tries her best with going back into the role. Her only way back to freedom goes through that role. She must take it to her heart and make it her identity. Then she will be back in the free world. Except she won’t. The only reason she used to play the role so well was because she didn’t know about this side of her, that she likes girls, that she is accepting towards queer relationships and that she is in love with Ryujin. With this knowledge it’s impossible to go back to the way things were before, which means Yeji will be stuck in this prison forever.
“I’m okay.” Yeji answers her brother as a way of trying to convince both him and herself that it’s true. He doesn’t seem to buy her lie though but says no more. After a few seconds of just standing there, staring at his twin sister, he leaves. Yeji sighs again as she starts to apply her make-up. When finished she puts on her outwear, a white jacket, scarf and gloves. Her parents have already left for work but she heard them telling Hyunjin to make sure Yeji follows their rules. Off to the bus Yeji goes with her twin brother who apparently also serves as her guard from now on. When seeing who is also standing at the bus stop she actually is quite happy that she has him with her. Because the last person she wished to see is standing right in front of her, the nightmare himself, Shin Hanguk. He stares at Yeji with a triumphant and self-assured gaze, filled with darkness and hatred from which he probably got the mad idea to expose Yeji and Ryujin at the party. If Yeji wasn’t scared of him she would probably have stared back at him, letting him know about her feelings towards him. Unfortunately, his eyes still hold the strongest negative energy. Yeji would probably have to become a different person in order to reverse their roles, and Yeji is not going to sink that low.
They do not exchange a word and when entering the bus Yeji sits down as far away as possible from him. Hyunjin goes to sit with his busmate Jeongin as usual, even though their parents had asked him to make sure Yeji follows their rules. However, she is happy that he trusts her, or disobeys their parents’ order, whatever is closest to the truth. It gives Yeji some time to catch her breath.
Yeji makes sure to keep her distance from Hanguk even when getting of the bus. She accompanies Hyunjin who is still speaking with Jeongin as they enter the school. Jeongin bids them farewell and leaves for another corridor as the Hwang twins ascends the stairs to the second floor. As they are in the same class they have their lockers in the same section and therefore head for them to hang in their outwear.
“Well, good morning.” Jisu chirps cheerily when she arrives, arm in arm with her boyfriend Seungmin.
“Hi.” Yeji answers weakly, only throwing a quick glance over her shoulder to greet them.
“Slept well?” Jisu continues.
Yeji doesn’t know how to answer that question. If she tells the truth the lit atmosphere will die in a second but if she lies it will be obvious. Thankfully, she doesn’t have to make a choice as her brother speaks up.
“As well as one can on a Sunday before school.”
Jisu laughs as she opens her locker. “True that, at least this Sunday I got to spend the night with my baby.” She throws a kiss over the hall where Seungmin has his locker. A slight tone of red spreads over his face as he smiles back at her.
A loud whistle is heard echoing through the hallway and they all turn towards the man entering with his bag thrown across his right shoulder.
“Well, if you spent the night with him I bet you didn’t get much sleep really.” The young man known as Hyunjin’s friend Jisung laughs and winks. Seungmin rolls his eyes and turns back to sorting his things in his locker.
“Perhaps we don’t have to dig any deeper on that.” Jisu says smilingly.
“Too bad, I love listening to Seungmin talk about his sexlife. It seems awesome.”
“Jisung.” Seungmin says and gives him a warning glare.
Jisu only laughs at her boyfriend’s friend and closes her locker. She turns to Yeji who still has her back turned towards the others.
“Are you ready for the world’s most entertaining class, math?”
Yeji presses her lips tightly together. All those words reminded her of Ryujin, who by the way probably also is starting her first class of the day right now, which means they might run into each other. What should Yeji do then? Pretend that she doesn’t know her? Greet her and then continue? Act as if nothing has happened? She has so many questions to ask Ryujin, so many words that has to be aired and only can be aired in the soul presence of Ryujin. Damn it, how is she going to make it through the day?
“Yeji, are you alright?” Jisu asks, the second time someone wonders during the same morning.
“Yes, I’m fine.” Yeji quickly turns around and squeezes through an overly happy and absolutely fake smile. Jisu stares questioningly at her but has no time to utter a comment as Jisung speaks up again.
“So when are you leaving for Friday?” He directs his gaze towards Hyunjin who, a bit awkwardly, scratches his neck as he answers.
“I don’t know yet.”
“If you want we can go together? I’ll be leaving at 17. Minho wanted me to by some pizza on the way there and I could really use an extra hand.”
“Sounds great.” Hyunjin mumbles while keeping his gaze directed to his math books.
“Great, and by the way. Don’t worry about the booze, I know this guy who can get it for us.”
Booze? Yeji turns to her brother with big eyes. What is he going to do this weekend? And alcohol? Their parents can surely not know about this, they would have put him in their made-up prison as well if they found out his plans.
When they depart for the classroom Yeji makes sure to come side by side with her brother. She leans in to whisper in his ear. “What are you doing this weekend?”
He stares at her in fright, as if he too has been exposed. Yeji raises her eyebrows as a sign for him to answer her question.
“Minho is hosting a birthday get together.” He starts but corrects himself when Yeji keeps staring at him. “Don’t worry. Mom and dad will never know.”
“Have you started drinking?” She asks, wondering what she has missed during these weeks when Ryujin has been the only thing on her mind.
“No.” He sighs tiredly. “Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”
“I sure hope so. You don’t want to end up in my position.” Yeji looks at him with a serious expression, fighting away the tears that lures behind her eyes. Their gazes split when they reach the classroom and has to redirect their focus. Although Yeji finds it hard to keep her focus on anything at all. The thoughts are running around like mad cows in her mind, leaving nothing substantial behind. If only she can manage these first days things will be okay. They have to, otherwise Yeji doesn’t know what to do with herself.