BEHIND THE MASK
When Yeji wakes up she finds herself laying close, very close to something. Where is she? Why doesn’t she recognize the bedsheets, the pillows or the walls? Then she turns around and the realization strikes her like thunder. She has spent the night at Ryujin’s place and now the wonderful blonde is laying right beside her. Too bad Ryujin has her back turned against Yeji because she would have loved to watch her beloved sleep peacefully. Now instead she crawls nearer and carefully puts her arm around Ryujin’s waist. Ryujin makes a quiet noise from the touch but doesn’t seem to wake up. Good, then Yeji can just lay here and philosophize. Because there are a lot of things that happened yesterday. Yeji can’t almost believe it. The first kiss, the confession and the following comforting cuddling. Never would Yeji have thought that any of that would happen, especially not in one day. However, she cannot be happier over it, just laying here this minute is like walking on cloud nine.
Then, suddenly, the door bursts open and in steppes a young man. Yeji screams at the sudden noise, unfortunately right in Ryujin’s ear. Ryujin responds by immediately turning around, almost hitting Yeji in the face in the meantime.
“What’s going on?” Ryujin mumbles confused.
“I don’t know, someone just came into the room.” Yeji whispers and pulls back her arms and hides them under the blanket. Ryujin leans on her left arm to properly face out into the room. With her eyes still half closed she starts talking.
“What are you doing here?” In her voice there is a trace of irritation, but she mostly just sound sleepy.
“I need a phone charger.” The young man says.
“Why don’t you use your own?”
“Because I can’t find it.”
“But did you really have to come in this early?”
“Ryujin, it’s almost 9 o’clock.”
“Yes, way too early for you to burst in here a Saturday morning, without even knocking.”
“It’s not early for me.”
“Of course not.” Ryujin rolls her eyes and draws with her hand through her messy hair. “Use this one.” She adds and bends down to pick up the charger she used to charge her own phone during the night.
“Thanks.” The young man says when coming to get it. He is just about to turn away when he notices Yeji laying next to Ryujin, almost completely covered by the blanket.
“Shit!” He exclaims and takes a step back. “You have a guest?” He turns to Ryujin and wrinkles he’s forehead.
“Yes.” Ryujin gives him a tired look.
“Well, aren’t you gonna present your guest? Or is this just a onetime thing?”
“Can you please stop talking? And no, for your information, my guest here is not a one-night stand.”
Yeji feels her cheeks warmup as Ryujin utters the words. One-night stand, in Yeji’s world that is not even a concept. Of course she knows what it is, but actually going through with it is a big no-no, her parents have made it clear that anything sexual are to occur in official and serious relationships only. But what should they have counted what happened last night as? Would they still give Yeji a pass? If Ryujin would have been a guy, then perhaps, but now she would be punished just for thinking about her and Ryujin together in a sexual context.
“Anyways.” The guy continues and clears his throat. “I’m Ryujin’s older sibling, Minseok.”
Fortunately enough he doesn’t extend his hand as a greeting but instead twists the charger around his hand.
“Yeji, Ryujin’s friend.” Yeji answers and nods politely as a greeting. She observes Minseok face getting an amused look. He throws a glance at Ryujin and wiggles his eyebrows. What is that supposed to mean? The facial makes Yeji a bit uncomfortable.
“Perhaps you can leave now, we would like to wake up in peace.” Ryujin sighs.
“Don’t worry, I won’t bother you anymore.” He says as he leaves the room and closes the door behind him. Ryujin quickly turns towards Yeji and looks her straight in the eye.
“I’m so sorry for my brother. He probably didn’t know that we would be two in here.”
Yeji nods affirmatively. Hyunjin would never have busted in like this. Not only because he would still be asleep but also because they respect each other’s need of privacy. Yeji wonders what Minseok might have seen when he entered the room. Did he notice Yeji spooning Ryujin or did he really see her first when he got the charger from his sister? Judging by the look of his face his thoughts seemed to be anything but innocent.
“Ryujin,” Yeji starts and turns around to face her. “Do you think your brother understood what we,” She hesitates, what should she call it?
“What we’ve done?” Ryujin fills in. “No, he probably thinks we went even further.”
“What?” Yeji exclaims in a loud voice. “What if he tells someone? What if a rumor about us starts? What if my parents get to know? I would be dead!” Yeji’s breathing intensifies and she feels her head starting to spin around.
“Relax.” Ryujin says calmly and grabs Yeji’s hands. ‘I will talk to him and make sure he keeps quiet.”
“Can you do that now?”
Ryujin turns silent for a few seconds before she starts speaking again. “Sure, I can do it now, but if I ask him to keep quiet, he will probably understand that we did something more than just sleep, it’ll be a confirmation.”
Now it’s Yeji’s turn to go silent. Ryujin is right. Whatever they do it’s all up to Minseok’s ability to stay quiet.
Ryujin sits up and throws her feet over the edge of the bed. “I’ll be back soon.” She smiles warmly yet a bit tired at Yeji. With tension in her body and thoughts running crazy Yeji waits for her in the bed. Minute after minute passes by without any footsteps leading up the stairs again being heard. Why is she taking so long? Did her brother not agree? Does she have to come up with a whole net of lies?
Then finally Ryujin enters the room again and to Yeji’s surprise she now wears a robe and has her hair nicely brushed and put in a low ponytail.
“Weren’t you supposed to talk to your brother?” Yeji exclaims and sits up in the bed.
“I was.” Ryujin answers while at the same time opening her robe and letting it fall to the floor. A tickling feeling grows strong inside Yeji as she sees Ryujin standing there completely undressed. If there are any Gods out there, then they are surely fooling around with Yeji’s life. How can one’s emotions go up and down as fast as this? It’s like being on a rollercoaster.
“What did he… what did he say?” Yeji continues, a bit too distracted by the sudden sight.
“I explained your worries and he said that he would keep quiet.”
“Really?”
“Yes, he’s my brother after all, and a decent human being.” Ryujin turns around and smiles lovingly. However, her smile changes when she looks at Yeji’s face. She bursts out into laughter. “You look like you’re ready to go underground, but don’t worry, I will get dressed as soon as possible.”
“No!” Yeji quickly ads.
Ryujin raises her eyebrows. “What, you want me to remain naked?” She smiles mischievously while walking up to her wardrobe. Yeji’s face is now a burning mess and she can hardly keep her head up to face Ryujin. “I don’t know, I’m sorry.” She finally lets her gaze drop and stares down into the duvet.
“You don’t have to be, I was just teasing you Yeji.” Ryujin answers and Yeji can hear her sort through the clothing inside the wardrobe. “If you want me to stop with that then I will.” Her voice suddenly changes and Yeji can feel her eyes upon her.
“No, you don’t have to. I’m sorry.”
Ryujin sighs again. “You have nothing to be sorry of.”
This time only half dressed in underwear and a pair of socks, Ryujin sits down beside Yeji in the bed. She grabs her hands and tries to look Yeji in the eyes.
“You don’t have to excuse yourself. If you do or say something that bother me then I’ll tell you. I know all people can’t do that but I can, trust me.”
Yeji finally raises her head and looks Ryujin in the eyes. She feels her eyes starting to tear up. How pathetic. Is crying all she is going to do here?
“If you keep looking at me I’m gonna cry.” Yeji says and tries to push Ryujin away.
“But that’s okay you know.” Ryujin answers, even though she still pulls her hands back.
“No, I don’t want to waste my time crying. I want to live as well.”
Ryujin laughs softly. “What a speech, but okay princess, your wish is mine to fulfill.” With a gracious bow Ryujin exists the bed. Yeji can’t help but to smile at her.
“Hurry up and get dressed so that we can make some breakfast.” Ryujin says and puts on a slim fit black t-shirt.
“You mean I can’t go down like this?” Yeji asks. Ryujin only stares at her, seemingly wondering if Yeji is joking or not.
“Well,” She starts. “In my family we always get dressed before eating. Because you were serious right?”
“Yes, but was it a weird question?” Yeji asks unsurely.
“Yeji!” Ryujin raises the tension in her voice and gives Yeji a firm look.
“Okay, okay. It’s just that in my family we usually never get dressed before breakfast during weekends. We find I much cozier that way.”
“Your family, cozier?” Ryujin both looks and sounds surprised.
“Yes? Are you surprised?” Yeji laughs.
“Maybe. I have always viewed your family as very proper and strict.”
“My parents are, so don’t get fooled by this. Besides my parent’s sleepwear are very proper. Mom always wears her expensive white robe and my dad has this silk pajamas.”
Ryujin raises her eyebrows in astonishment. “Wow, almost as excepted then.”
“Just almost?”
“Yes, because I could never have imagined that they wore it to breakfast. Hurry up now.”
Ryujin makes a gesture with her hand and Yeji gets up from bed. After Yeji has changed and brushed through her hair they go down to the kitchen. They help each other with setting the table and bringing out the food from the fridge, freezer and cupboard. The kitchen here is not too different from the one at Ryujin’s mother’s house. The biggest difference is the condition of it, this one really looks to have been used for decades without any major replacement or renovations. Nonetheless the kitchen is relatively spacey and there is no problem fitting six people around the kitchen table. Now there is only the two of them sitting there, buttering their toasts and adding some topping to it. When a clicking sound is heard Ryujin raises from her chair and goes up to the water boiler. She fills both their cups with the hot water and Yeji starts sorting through the tea box. She ends up choosing one with the taste of blackcurrant. The tea is still too hot to drink and it takes a few minutes for it too cool down. Just when she is about to take her first sip the second door into the kitchen opens. In comes two middle aged men, one with a pair of glasses and the other one with dark hair longer than Ryujin’s. Yeji glances over at them as they make their way through the door opening. Who are these people? Ryujin’s family members? Yeji feels her pulse raise. After all that has happened during the last 24 hours she is still sensitive to new situations.
The men approach the two eating at the table.
“Good morning.” The one with long hair says as he ties his hair in a bun. “You must be Yeji.” He reaches out a hand to greet the houseguest. Apparently, he does know about Ryujin having a guest over.
“Yes, that’s me.” Yeji shakes his hand as the other man steps forward.
“Hangyeom, one of Ryujin’s parents.” His smile is friendly and Yeji immediately feels the tension loose from her shoulders. He has a gaze similar to Ryujin, similar in the way that the eyes are making her feel safe and comfortable, as if she can relax and be herself without risking getting hurt or lose anything.
“I’m Geonmin,” the other one says and reaches out to shake Yeji’s hand. “Also Ryujin’s parent.”
Wait, are both of these men Ryujin’s parents? What about Ryujin’s mother Sumin? Is one of them a stepfather? Or did Yeji mishear them?
Yeji gives Ryujin a glance and she notices her friend speaking through her eyes with Hangyeom. When the men start talking Yeji is forced to shift her gaze back at them.
“Have you slept well?” Hangyeom asks as Geonmin picks out two cups from the cabinet.
“Yes.” Yeji answers politely and nods. She turns her head as it feels like someone is staring at her, and she is right. Geonmin stands over the sink and fills the two cups with hot water while looking at Yeji. His face is much more serious than Hangyeom’s and no emotions can be read though his eyes. When meeting his gaze Yeji smiles as naturally as she can, however she is sure she fails miserably, because her smile is stiff enough to be compared with a dry stick. Slowly she tilts her head downwards and takes a bite of her toast to buy herself some time. In the corner of her eyes she notices how Ryujin continues to talk silently with Hangyeom. After a few long seconds he sighs heavily and walks over to the kitchen counters.
“You look a bit confused.” Geonmin then says to Yeji and thereby breaks the silence. Yeji looks up at him and feels her eyebrows instinctively being pushed up towards her hairline. Hangyeom clears his throat and the atmosphere has changed in a second. Suddenly all three of them are staring with a serious face at Yeji, even though Ryujin looks more pained than anything else.
“I do?” Yeji answers, because what kind of response do they want from her? Perhaps she really is confused.
“It seems that Ryujin never told you about us, hasn’t she?” Geonmin says as he sists down at the table with the cup in his hand.
“She has mention you.” Yeji tries and flickers with her gaze, it keeps traveling towards Ryujin who’s face is indicating that she is highly uncomfortable with the situation. Usually Ryujin would have smiled comfortingly, but now Yeji guesses she is the one that will have to send strength to her instead.
“Really?” Geonmin says. “Then I suppose you know that she has three parents.”
Three parents? Have the mother and father split and now there is a stepfather in the picture? Then who is her real father and why is the stepfather here when Ryujin’s mother lives in the city? Yeji doesn’t really understands this puzzle of a family constellation, and it must show in her face.
“She definitely hasn’t told her about us.” Hangyeom whispers to Geonmin when he sits down, loud enough for Yeji to hear as well.
“Do we really have to talk about this now?” Ryujin makes a begging face towards the men.
“Not unless you intend to never meet this girl again.” Geonmin says bluntly, making Ryujin inhale deeply, widening her eyes and keep her lips sealed.
“We just don’t want to confuse you.” Hangyeom says, turning to Yeji with that friendly face restored. “If Ryujin calls us both for dad it’s because we are both her fathers.”
“Yes.” Yeji says slowly while trying to understand what they are actually trying to say. Then Ryujin sighs heavily and turns to Yeji.
“I might as well explain this for you.” She starts and makes sure to lock Yeji’s gaze before continuing speaking. “I have three parents, Sumin, Hangyeom and Geonmin. Hangyeom and Geonmin are a couple while Sumin is their close friend. Me and my brother are both birthed from Sumin but my brother has Geonmin as sperm donor and I have Hangyeom. So genetically speaking we are half siblings, but we don’t say that when we are speaking about each other, I just call him my brother. For me, all my parents are parents to an equal degree. It doesn’t matter who created me, what matters is who shaped me, who raised me, and that is the three of them.” She looks with big and almost sorry eyes at Yeji, as if she is excusing herself. Yeji only nods, trying to process the information.
“Yes, that’s how things are like.” Hangyeom says and leans forward to grab the butter.
Yeji doesn’t know what to say or how to react. She has never encountered a family like this before. Sure that some of her friends have divorced parents and stepsiblings, but this is something different. If Yeji’s parents would have been here and listened to this they would have grasped for air and fallen of their chairs. In their world there is no room for families like these. But what does Yeji herself think? Because now when she has taken the first step away from her parent’s opinions she might as well reconsider this one too. Does she find this unnatural and despiteful, or is it an experience that she’ll gladly take to her heart?
She looks at Ryujin who slowly opens her mouth, but without any words slipping through. Her expression is far from the confident and strong person that time after time has comforted Yeji. But why? What happened to that part of Ryujin? Where did it go?
“It’s quite uncommon with families like ours.” Hangyeom continues, smiling softly. “But I can assure you that it works just as fine as any other family where everyone truly loves and takes care of each other.” His warm aura embraces Yeji and she can’t help but to smile back at him. This energy makes his words weigh more and Yeji realizes that what he said is true. How the family constellation looks like doesn’t matter as long as everyone is happy and love each other. That’s what matters after all, love and happiness.
During the rest of the breakfast Ryujin remains fairly silent, but Yeji manages anyways because her parents are both very relaxed and makes her feel at ease. All the tension from before is completely gone after the revelation of the family situation. Ryujin’s fathers casually ask Yeji about her own family, the school and her hobbies. Yeji tells them about her dance and she even ends up having a long monologue about the subject. Especially Geonmin seems to be very impressed, apparently he too used to dance when he was younger. He explains that he put Ryujin in dance school when she was younger but that she quit it when she started high school.
Yeji raises her eyebrows at Ryujin. “Why have you never told me about that?”
Ryujin only shrugs. Yeji continues to stare at her in surprise while the parents raise from their seats and leave the kitchen. She feels the surprise slowly fade away and being replaced by a dull emotion.
“How come you never told me about your dance history?” Yeji repeats, for some reason feeling a bit disappointed. Ryujin knows how much Yeji loves dance. How could she just hide years of dancing experience from her?
“I don’t know.” Ryujin says once more and for some unexplainable reason Yeji doesn’t feel satisfied with the answer, instead an irritation raises inside of her.
“I know you do.” Yeji pushes the question further.
Ryujin sighs for the third time this breakfast. “Okay, I’ll admit that, but perhaps I don’t want to tell you?” Ryujin’s voice is suddenly sharp and her eyes are dark. The tone weirdly enough adds fuel to the fire that has stared burning inside of Yeji and she has no intention of holding back. The feeling both scares her and sends rushing thrills throughout her body. This is an unexperienced emotional state. Never before has she gone this far in the emotion called irritation. It’s almost as if she’s leaving the emotion in favor for something stronger.
“Why don’t you want to tell me?” Yeji asks, crossing her arms over her chest.
Ryujin rolls her eyes. “You are missing the point here, princess. I don’t want to talk about it, so don’t push it.”
“Don’t princess me.”
“What, do you find the title incorrect? You and your family sure fit into the royalty standard. You would make yourselves great in a castle somewhere where you can be all perfect and traditional together.”
The words hit Yeji like knives and transform her burning fire into a dark smoke, slowly vanishing into thin air. Judging by Ryujin’s face Yeji must look deeply hurt, if not even ready to cry, because the darkness in her eyes is replaced by regret.
“I’m sorry.” Ryujin bites her lips. “I should have controlled myself better.”
“No, it’s my fault.” Yeji replies. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. The urge just came over me, I don’t know what happened.”
Ryujin smiles. “It’s okay, I too get mad sometimes, more that you think probably.”
Mad, is that the word to describe Yeji’s feelings? It sure sounds possible. The feelings were close to what she has read in books and heard others speak about. Yeji furrows her brows in confusion.
“You know what’s weird?” She says while keeping her gaze steadily lowered towards the tablecloth. “I have never been mad before.”
“Do you mean mad as in angry or crazy?” Ryujin laughs and buffs Yeji on the arm.
“Both.” Yeji answers and looks at Ryujin who’s playful face immediately turns serious. “Isn’t that weird? I’ve never reflected on that before.”
“I don’t want to step on your toes but,” Ryujin starts. “Might it possible have to do with the environment you grew up in?”
“You mean my family?”
“Partly, yes.”
“I guess. Being angry is something my parents never have been, they were always disappointed instead. They always encouraged me and my brother to be calm and collected, always nice and well-behaved. Angry is not an emotional state that is included there.”
“Sometimes I think it’s good to let some steam out, don’t you agree?”
Yeji nods. “As long as it doesn’t go overboard, like with Hanguk.” Yeji meets Ryujin serious and now emotionless gaze. “In early September I saw him throw his phone across the room and swear over you.”
Ryujin makes a troubled face. “It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been in numerous fights with him.”
Yeji feels that they are entering infiltrated grounds. Every word must be weighed carefully before being uttered. “Actually, I’ve seen him stalk your social medias.”
A shiver visibly runs through Ryujin’s body. “I thought I had blocked him.”
“Perhaps he made another account?”
The two stare at each other as the realization sinks in. Creepy, yes that’s the right word to describe Hanguk, creepy and unreliable.
“Did he know about your family?” Yeji asks. “I mean, that you have three parents?”
Ryujin nods. “He met them after we spent the night at my mother’s place. I had no idea that my dads were going to visit her that morning. I had just managed to get him out of bed, and he was walking to the bathroom in only his underwear. Of course my dads opened the front door just then and is met by a half-naked unknown teenager with a bad morning temper. He only grunted at them and locked himself into the bathroom. I was changing in my room and had not heard them coming, so I couldn’t hinder them from talking to him when he came out into the hall again. It was first when I heard his loud voice that I realized he was talking to someone. Apparently my dads had presented themselves and explained my family situation. I will never forget his face when he turned around to face me. He looked like he was standing beside two disgusting monsters. I don’t know why the warning bells didn’t ring in my mind already then, maybe I was in chock or something. Now afterwards I’ve realized that the reaction itself was reason enough for me to consider a breakup. That’s why I was scared that you might react the same.” Ryujin looks at Yeji with sorrow in her eyes, making Yeji’s heart melt in compassion.
“I would never do that.”
“I know, it was stupid of me, you’re better than that.”
“Perhaps you should stop comparing me with Hanguk. Our families are similar but that doesn’t necessary mean that I and Hanguk are alike. The same goes for my family, I’m not always like them.”
“Of course not, I’m sorry.” Ryujin raises from her seat and gives Yeji a peck on the forehead. “You also deserve an explanation to why I didn’t want to answer your question about the dance before.”
“You don’t have to tell.” Yeji says but fails to hide the curiosity in her voice.
Ryujin seems to load her answer as she stands there with her fingers playing in Yeji’s hair without saying anything. “I need to practice, to speak about my emotions I mean. It’s hard enough to admit them to myself but if I don’t practice there will be no progress. A dancer like you might be familiar with that.”
Yeji nods as Ryujin’s fingers keeps wandering over her head, almost working as a massage, at least with the same relaxing effect. She closes her eyes and Ryujin sighs before speaking again.
“I guess I felt like my knowledge and experience with dance is nothing compared to yours. That’s why I was uncomfortable with speaking about it.”
Yeji opens her eyes again and turns to face Ryujin, her eyes are watery.
“You don’t have to feel that way.” She leans in for a hug, even though she herself is still sitting down. “What would you tell me if our roles were reversed?”
“I would probably say that I understand your feelings and that they are valid, but also that you should stop thinking like that because no matter what knowledge or level of experience you have I’m going to treat you equally as good. Also, that your worth is not judged by your competence.”
“Then take your own advice.”
Ryujin laughs. “You’re smart, Hwang Yeji.”
“Thank you.”
They stand like that for a few seconds, embraced both by each other and the silence. They share the comforting warmth and none of them seems to want to let it go. Then, finally, Ryujin takes a step back and declares breakfast as finished and thus breaking the magic spell. Yeji can hardly wait for the wand to swing over them again and guide them into each other’s arms.