Bad idea!

After their game against Chelsea, Beth didn't have any more reasons to think about Vivianne. Sure, she would hear about her amazing performances and the goals she’d score week after week, but she was mostly out of sight, out of mind. 

That was, until Leah brought up Jill Roord’s 16th birthday party happening on Friday, to which she had invited basically everyone. 

“How is she even going to fit so many people?” asked Steph.

“Dunno,” Leah shrugged. “All I know is that we're going.”

Beth immediately sighed and threw her head back dramatically. “No, we are not,” she said. 

“Since when do you turn down an invitation to a party?” asked Leah. 

“Since it's our enemies and the entire team will probably be there,” Beth replied astutely. 

At the same time, Steph murmured: “Since Miedema is going to be there.”

“Hey! That's not true!” Beth exclaimed, defending herself.

“So you're telling me if this was another random party she wouldn't be in you would be debating whether to go or not?” Steph asked. 

Beth stayed quiet, not quite knowing how to defend herself. 

“Exactly,” said Steph. 

“Um…anyways,” Leah interrupted. “I thought we could get ready at mine and then go together. My mom could drop us off.”

Steph smiled at the idea. “That sounds great, thanks mate,” she said. “What time should we be there?”

“The party starts at 8:00 so around 6:00?” she said.

“Good,” said Steph. “We’ll be there. Right Beth?” she said, nudging Beth, who was sitting next to her. 

“Yeah, right.”

“Good,” said Leah, as everyone returned to eating their food. After a minute, she spoke up again: “So I thought we could all dress red, make a statement and all,” she said seriously. “This is a Chelsea party, after all.”

Beth chuckled loudly, choking on her juice box.

“God no,” exclaimed Keira quickly, who had been quiet for most of the conversation. “We are not doing that Miss “I bleed Arsenal red” Williamson,” she said, mocking Leah. 

“You guys could wear white, too, you know. Any of the colors on the uniform will do just fine,” Leah continued. 

Steph gave Leah a look, raising her eyebrows at her, while Keira rolled her eyes. 

“What? I'm being serious here!” Leah said. 

“Yeah, sure you are,” Keira said, while Steph and Beth laughed loudly.

Viv had not so enthusiastically agreed to go to Jill's party in their literature class last week. 

“Do I really have to go?” asked Viv with a sigh. 

“Yeah!” said Jill, like there was no argument to it. 

“Jill, you know I love you, but this is stretching it a bit.”

“Hey!” Jill said, offended. “It's not everyday your bestie turns 16,” she said, nudging Viv’s shoulder.

Viv let out a humorless chuckle. “Thank God for that,” she joked, which in turn earned a very stern look from Jill. 

“Pleaseeee. Pretty please,” Jill whined, dragging on the “e.” “You don't have to stay too long, I promise. I just really want you there.”

“Well I can't say no now, can I?” Viv said.

“Mhm, you couldn't say no from the beginning, actually,” said Jill.

“Fine. I'll go. But I won't be much fun, I'm telling you that. And no, I am not dancing,” she said before Jill could beat her to it. 

“Mhm, we'll see about that,” said Jill. “Thank you, meid, really.”

“Yeah yeah, you're very welcome,” Viv said sarcastically.

Now, on the day of the party, Viv stood in front of her mirror in the third outfit she had tried on herself that night, starting to get frustrated and all the more sure tonight was a terrible idea. She only had half an hour before Katie and Lotte would come pick her up, and her bed was a jumbled mess of different pairs of bras, tops, pants and hangers. She had NO idea what to wear. Should she go for something casual, or something a little more formal? Surely she wouldn't need to wear a dress, right? She only had one of those, and she was sure it didn't even fit her anymore. 

In the end, she went for beige dress pants and a black cropped tank top, paired with some adidas trainers. She barely owned any makeup except for some “essentials” Katie had given her once, so she tried to apply some blush and lip gloss, brow furrowing in concentration. She put on the few items of jewelry she owned and let her hair down, which she almost never did. Before she had any time to overthink it, her phone rang, signaling that Katie and Lotte were downstairs waiting for her. She grabbed a coat, a bag and Jill's gift before heading out the empty apartment. 

As soon as Katie saw her, she whistled loudly. 

“Miedema! Looking good!” she said. 

Viv immediately blushed. 

“Thanks Katie. You don't look bad yourself,” she said as she ducked her head to get into the car. 

Lotte, who was in the passenger's seat, whipped her head back to look at Viv. 

“Viv! You look beautiful, zuz,” she said with a big smile.

Viv returned her smile. “You do too.”

As Katie pulled out of the car park, she immediately cranked up the music in the car to a volume that made Viv sure would get them arrested. Luckily, Jill's house wasn't too far away, so Viv would not have to suffer from Katies awfully loud music for much longer. For the rest of the journey, Viv rolled the window down, letting the cold early spring air hit her in the face in an attempt to make the music inside the car less loud and her feelings less overwhelming. Even though she was surrounded by her best friends, she couldn't help but feel off, anxiety blooming in her chest and stomach. 

As they entered Jill’s street, the sides of the road were already filled with cars, leaving them to park far from the house. Viv rolled her eyes internally. Of course Jill would invite half of London to her party. 

As they got out of the car together, Katie took out her vape, offering it to Lotte and Viv, who both declined. 

Viv quickly surveyed her friend's outfits. Katie had worn a glittery skirt with a fitted top, while Lotte had also opted for dress pants and a shirt like Viv had. It was nice to see them wearing something other than their school uniform, their hockey equipment, or sports attire.

As they entered the house, they immediately spotted Jill, who was taking shots in the middle of the living room-turned dance floor with her brothers and a bunch of other people. As soon as Jill spotted them though, she put her shot down on a nearby table and made a beeline for them. 

“Schatjes!” she shrieked loudly as she opened her arms for them all to come to a hug together. Viv laughed to herself. Of course Jill would be drunk only half an hour into the party. 

“Hé, bro!” she called out to one of her brothers. “Bring four shots over here, please,” she said with a small grin. 

Viv didn't even try putting up a fight in denying the drink. She could do with one shot for the birthday girl. Hell, maybe she could do with more shots if it meant loosening up a little and becoming less anxious. 

When Jill's brother came with the shots, Katie was the one to propose a toast. “To our Jilly girl. Midfield maestro and great friend!” 

“Aww, Katie!” Jill said dramatically, going for a hug. “You've gone soft!” The girls laughed.

“To Jill!” Viv and Lotte repeated as they all downed their shots, some of them (mainly Viv and Lotte) making more faces than others. 

Viv quickly pulled in Jill for a side hug, whispering happy birthday. 

“Lets gooo!” Jill shrieked as a Dutch song came on, pulling the girls towards the dance floor. With Katie and Lotte beside her, Viv found the celebrations not to be that bad, after all. However, when Lotte quickly excused herself after the arrival of Tao, “just a friend,” from the year above them followed by Katie, who also spotted her also “just a friend” Caitlin, Viv was left alone on the dance floor, feeling a little more than out of place. Thankfully, she spotted Vic clumsily trying to get to the bathroom and decided to follow her. 

“Vic,” she muttered, putting a hand on her back. “Are you okay?” she asked in Dutch. 

“Me?!” Vic asked, perplexed.“I'm super!” she yelled in Dutch over the music, although Viv could quickly see that wasn't the case, as Vic gagged. 

“Okay,” Viv sighed decisively. “Let's get you to the bathroom.”

Vic barely made it inside before she retched all over the toilet, Viv rubbing a hand behind her back and holding her hair back. Viv thanked herself for always having a rubber band on her wrist as she put Vic’s hair into a bun. When Vic finished, she lay on top of Viv, defeated. Viv let out a fond laugh, maneuvering them into a comfortable position on the floor and petting Vic’s hair, wondering how much the 15 year old had to drink.

“Vivvy?” Vic slurred.

“Yeah?” Viv replied.

“I love you,” she said. 

Viv laughed, kissing Vic on the head. “Love you too, Vic.”

“No. I love you more,” she said, suddenly very serious, which earned a smile from Viv.

Viv let Vic continue to rest on top of her, not quite ready to leave the bathroom and head back into the party. 

“Viv?” Vic said. 

“Yeah, lieverd?”

“Don't be sad anymore,” she said. Viv frowned, not quite understanding. 

“What do you mean?”

“I can see that you're not happy,” Vic continued in her drunken sincerity. “I don't like seeing you sad. I want you to be happy,” she said, pouting.

Viv was suddenly extremely moved, and before she knew it, a tear had escaped from her eye. Vic, ever the sensor, lifted her head from Viv’s lap to sloppily wipe it away. 

“Okay?” she asked very seriously, looking up at Viv with those big eyes of her. “Promise me.”

Viv laughed tearily, while continuing to stroke Vic’s hair. “Okay,” she said. “I promise.”

“Good,” Vic said, very satisfied with herself. “Come on now. We have to celebrate Jilly,” she said sitting up. 

“Okay, but only if you drink some water first,” Viv said. 

After making sure Vic had at least a glass of water, Viv returned to the dance floor with her, suddenly very aware of everything around her. She tried looking for Katie and Lotte, but they were nowhere to be found. Instead, she resorted to dancing with Vic, who had made it her personal mission to try and make Viv have fun, and Viv felt bad leaving her behind when Vic clearly just wanted to make her happy. 

Suddenly, the door opened, letting in a stream of cold air and revealing half of Arsenal's Ice Hockey team. Viv quickly recognized Leah, Keira, Steph, Jen and finally Beth, all dressed in different shades of red and white, which made Viv laugh to herself, because of course they would want to make a statement. Well, except for Keira, who on top of her white pants and shirt, had put on a purple dress shirt. Leah immediately found some shots for them to take and led the team to the dance floor. 

Viv thought the Arsenal girls arriving was the perfect distraction for her to get off the dance floor and go somewhere quieter. Jill, however, didn't let her go without a fight. 

“Are you leaving already?!” she asked loudly over the music with a pout. 

Viv laughed and put a hand on her shoulder reassuringly. “I'm just going to get some air, but I'll be back.”

Jill, too drunk to pay attention to the damage her words were going to do, said to Viv: “Yeah yeah, always my most boring friend, Vivianne.”

Deep down, Viv knew Jill meant it as a joke. After all, she was nicknamed “Oma” by her teammates for her deep love for tea, an early bedtime and her dislike of parties. However, the words cut deeper than she was willing to admit, and she felt how the air from her lungs was sucked out by them. They brought her back to her deepest insecurities, to the comments made by Lisa and her mom about how all of those personality traits in Viv were flawed. Quickly, she made her way out of the dance floor and went to the garden, thankful she knew Jill's house so well. 

Beth, who had noticed Viv in the middle of the dance floor when she entered the house, had made it her mission not to make any eye contact with her, doing everything to avoid being pulled into her gaze. When Leah offered her a shot, she gladly took it, following the rest of the girls to the dance floor, swaying with the music, and smirking at Steph when she was pulled away by some guy to make out. However, after six or so songs, she was drenched in sweat and suddenly felt too hot, so she decided to go to the garden to cool down and scroll on her phone for a bit. 

As soon as she made it into the garden, she recognized the figure laying against the wall. 

She pondered whether or not to approach Viv, but after about half a minute, she decided to do so. She wasn't going to avoid Viv forever, and the last interaction between the two of them hadn't been that bad.  

Beth smoothly slid up next to Viv on the wall, going for the banter they always treated each other with. 

“Think you're too good for the people inside, Miedema?” she asked, half-joking. 

Viv, however, didn't reply, staying quiet and still next to her. Beth, who wasn't really looking at Viv but rather straight ahead, didn't notice the tears streaming down her face, or the way her chest rose and fell with breaths that were too short, that weren't really breaths at all.

After being sure Viv wasn't planning on replying, Beth spoke up again. “Now think you're too good to talk to me?” she said, joking. 

Now, the only thing she got in response was a short, ragged breath, which made her look at Viv to the side of her, really look at her. 

“Vivianne?” she asked, not sure what was happening. And then, Viv let out another ragged breath, followed by a whimper that made Beth's heart drop. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. 

Suddenly, all at once, Beth saw Viv. The tear tracks on her cheeks, barely visible in the dark night. Her shoulders, tense and rigid. Her hands curled up in fists at her sides. Her chest, rising and falling far too quickly. Her breath coming out in short gasps. Her body shaking.

“Hey? Hey, Viv? Can you hear me?” she asked gently. 

Beth got another ragged breath in response, and God, she couldn't help but think how awful it sounded, how painful and unnatural the sound was coming from Viv. 

Okay, fuck. Focus Beth, she said to herself. 

“What can I do for you Viv?” she asked, walking to be in front of her. 

Now, Viv was gasping for air, and Beth was sure it wouldn't be long before she passed out. She surveyed the garden, finding a table and a few chairs, and she quickly ran to them, grabbing two of them and taking them to the corner where she left Viv. 

“I'm going to touch you, okay?” she asked. 

She received a nod in return. Good, she thought. Viv could hear her. 

She carefully put her hands on Viv’s upper arms, guiding her to sit in the chair she had brought. Then, she moved her chair to be on Viv’s side, putting it as close as possible to try and provide some form of physical comfort. 

“Try and follow my breathing, yeah?” she coaxed, breathing in and out exaggeratedly for Viv to follow. “In and out, in and out,” she said softly.

Viv looked up at her for the first time, and tried to mimic Beth’s breathing, although she was failing miserably at it. Her body shook with sobs as she continued gasping for air, and Beth's heart broke a little. Without really thinking, she grabbed both of Viv’s hands and rested them on her knees. 

“Viv. You have to breathe for me,” she said seriously. “Please, try to breathe for me,” she said more kindly. “I know I said my team wouldn't mind you dying, but I was kidding, you know?” she said, her mouth moving quicker than her brain could. “If you'd die, we wouldn't really have any competition left, and where's the fun in that?”

In the midst of her sobs, Viv let out a tiny chuckle, and that was enough of a sign for Beth that she was getting through to her. 

“I don't know if you noticed, but we are all wearing red. Well, not Keira, cause you couldn't really convince her to do any of these things, but Leah actually made us all wear red tonight. Jen didn’t even have anything red, but Leah lent her one of her mom’s shirts. It was hilarious, really, the way she dictated us around her bedroom before coming. She wanted to make a statement and what not. Although the only people who would really notice it anyways are you guys, although I doubt you did. Jill was far too drunk to pay attention to a color theme, and I didn’t even see Kate or Lotte around, let alone the rest of the team” Beth said.

Viv, who’s breathing started to regulate, whispered quietly. “I noticed.”

“Mhm,” Beth chuckled. “I bet you thought we looked like idiots,” she said with a laugh, which Viv returned. 

“Good, that's good, Viv,” Beth said, as Viv continued to try and breathe. “In and out,” she coaxed. “Atta girl.”

They stayed silent, Viv’s sobs stopping entirely and her breaths coming at a much more regular rhythm.

“Better?” Beth asked after a couple minutes had passed, looking at her worriedly.

“Better,” Viv whispered back. After a while, she spoke up again. “Thank you,” she said, her voice hoarse. She cleared her throat. “For, uh, making sure I didn't die and all.”

Beth smiled, making sure Viv could see the way it reached her eyes, that she was sincere. “You're welcome,” Beth said, like it was nothing. “I told you, the rest of the season would lose its charm without having you to beat,” she added as a joke. 

Viv let out a tired laugh. They stayed like that for a while longer, comfortable in the silence. Viv, feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, and Beth not wanting to press her. 

“Don't think I've gone soft on you, though” Viv said, her voice raw and eyes tired, trying to make light of the situation, trying to joke with Beth as they always did. 

Beth looked at her, chuckling. “You? Soft? Pfft, never, Miedema.”

“Good,” Viv said tiredly.

Just then, Lotte barged through the garden door, looking to both sides until she recognized Viv sitting down by the corner with Beth.

“Zus!” Lotte exclaimed, out of breath. “We've been looking for you everywhere! Vic said you just disappeared,” she said with a frown.

“Yeah, sorry,” said Viv. “Just needed some air.”

Lotte’s frown deepened. “Are you okay?” she asked in Dutch. 

“Yeah,” replied Viv. 

“Okay,” she said unconvinced. “Well, we were just about to go. I'm driving since Katie’s absolutely wasted.”

Viv nodded. 

“I'll wait for you by the door, I'm going to grab Kate. Meet you there in 5 minutes?” Lotte asked. 

“Yeah,” said Viv. 

“Okay. Bye, Beth,” said Lotte, acknowledging Beth for the first time. 

“Bye Lotte,” Beth said, raising her hand to wave. 

“Well, I guess you should get going,” said Beth, shifting in the chair. “I should too, to be fair. Got a date with my math’s homework,” she joked. 

“Tonight?” Viv asked, following the joke. “Isn't it a bit late for taking someone out?”

“Mhmm, usually,” said Beth. “But my date really likes midnight encounters, preferably a couple of days before it's due,” she said. 

“Well. I'm pretty good at maths,” Viv said after a minute or so had passed in silence. 

“Oh yes, you're good at everything,” Beth joked. 

“I'm going to choose to ignore you,” Viv deadpanned. “Anyways. As I was saying, I'm pretty decent at math. And if you ever need help, I'd love to return the favor. That is, if your homework is fine with the date being a threesome,” Viv said. 

Beth let out a loud laugh. She didn't know Viv to have this type of humor, and it impressed her, really, how Viv could switch to humor after being so vulnerable just moments ago. She briefly wondered how many times she had done that before. 

“I'd have to talk to it tonight,” Beth said. “We've had a long relationship just the two of us, I'd have to ask if it was fine with someone else joining.”

“Okay. If you change your mind just give me a ring,” Viv said. 

“I will,” said Beth. 

“Well, I'm going to go now. Lotte is probably waiting for me, and Katie is probably very drunk.”

Beth let out a small laugh. “Yeah, I'm gonna get going too.”

“Thank you,” Viv said, sincerely. “For helping me. It uh- means a lot.”

“Anytime,” said Beth. 

“And I'm sorry you had to see that,” Viv added as an afterthought, looking at the ground. “I know it isn't a nice thing to see,” she said.

Beth's heart broke a little further at that. “Hey? You don't have to apologize. Not ever, okay?” she said sincerely.

Viv looked up at her, giving her a smile. 

“Bye, Beth,” she said, heading back inside, and Beth couldn't help but notice the way the tension returned to Viv’s shoulders, that she steeled herself before entering the house, as if expecting something bad to happen.

She grabbed her phone and called Steph before she could think of it any further.