Mad Apothecarist

Everyone thought there was something wrong with me when I fell asleep in the car on the way home and continued that activity throughout the whole night. Someone carried me to my bed and I woke up with the sun. I was just surprised I lived for so long – the last time I slept was four days before the end of school. I wanted to see how long I would last (that and I couldn't get to Slytherin dorms nor could I squeeze on the couch with Luna – she looks more like a starfish than a human when she sleeps).

I was reading a book about offensive and defensive charms when mum came into the kitchen. “Get off the counter, Harry. Do you want breakfast?”

“Yes,” I ignored her request but put my feet down so they dangled in the air. “If you remember correctly I was banned from using knives and anything that can make fire. It's a little difficult to make eggs with those restrictions.”

“With bacon?”

“Sure,” I shrugged and finished a chapter. Why are shields such a boring topic?

“Ms Teddy needs help with her TV. Again.”

“Did she turn it on and off?”

“Yes, even I can tell her that. She said you could come by today after lunch. She has chocolate chip cookies.”

“She uses bad chocolate,” I wrinkled my nose and sipped my tea. Thank gods for electric kettles, before my ban we had a kettle that you put on a burner and wait until it pierces through the ear-drums. It was THE reason why I almost ‚burned the house down‘. Pfff, it was just a minor little flame. „But sure, at least I get out of the house.“

„How was school?“

„Did you become illiterate and nobody reads you my letters?“ I raised my eyebrow.

„You talked mostly about classes and pranks your twins do – but nothing more than a name of your new friend. What is she like?“

„She's either batshit crazy or can see more than I can – but she's smart and the only reasonable Ravenclaw.“

„Why didn't you befriend her sooner?“ I can see she bit her tongue with a retort to my comment about sight. Everyone knows my eyes are sub par.

„She's a first-year. She recommended me books about magical creatures – the common volumes don't talk about more exciting types. Like vampires – Stoker must have known about magic because the similarity is kind of scary otherwise.“ She smiled while I talked. „But there are blood-banks for them so they don't really need to kill people. I wonder how their digestive system works – why can't they get nutrients from food? Is something wrong with their body chemistry so they need a liquid diet?“ I continued my rhetorical questions until I got my breakfast.

„And how about the teacher you were talking about before school? The writer?“ she asked after a slice of bacon silenced me up.

„Horrible, but what can I do,“ I omitted the truth without batting an eye. She and Dad could probably do something about his... Lockhartness, but I don't want to be called tattle-tale again. I tried THAT approach the first time someone beat me up and it brought me only problems. The best strategy I found was trying to ignore, run away.

A bunch of owls came pecking to our kitchen window – mum let them in and I was the poor person who was forced to work with those feather-brains. Two attempts at murder later there were four big packages, which contained a small mountain of fancily wrapped gifts – most of them were palm-sized or book-shaped and all of them carried the name of a Slytherin student.

“’ We hope you will enjoy your Yule, Slytherin heir.’”

“Mom, don't-“ I tried to take it from her but she was better at dodging then I expected.

 “’ No worry about giving us gifts back, it is a tradition in Slytherin to give something small to someone with such a worthy ancestor.’ An ancestor? Slytherin heir? What else were you keeping from me, son?”

“I acquired a group of slaves and they call me heir of Slytherin.” Her look showed what she thought of my jokes, scarily similar to my resting bitch face. “People found out that I can talk to snakes – just like Salazar Slytherin, the co-founder of Hogwarts. So they call me heir of Slytherin.”

“So you made more than one new friend!” she smiled, taking one of my gifts and unwrapped it – there was a chocolate frog in it. “What is that?”

“Chocolate frog that acts like a real animal – it croaks, jumps and such. Not for long, and if it jumps once it looses most of the magic that animates it. There are also cards that some collect with famous people on them.” She opened it and I caught it when she shrieked.

“That’s weird.”

“Better than an oversweetened pumpkin juice. Or blood-pops.” I gave the subdued chocolate to her back and after a long moment, she bit its head off.

“It's good chocolate.“

„That's why they feed them to me as a payment for helping with their fucking studies,“ I shrugged and opened one of the books. ‚The deadliest poisons in the magical word‘ made me put down a book about fighting in an instant. I had a hope I would pick it up from my lap after breakfast but that naive thinking jumped off a motherfucking cliff.

„Shouldn't you wait for Christmas to open your gifts?“

„You opened one first, hypocrite.“

„Touché.“ And then she stole another package shaped like the box containing chocolate frogs.

I did most of my homework before lunch, stuffed myself full to the brim and went to Ms Teddy. She was an older woman that couldn't write a text message to save her life. I met her when I was nine and she asked dad if he could help her with her new fridge. He was capable of putting it into electricity and then turn it on – but it blew a fuse and Gregor Bundy is many things, but not a manually talented man. Mum is better but electricity is not her expertise either. Somehow I ended as the scapegoat and re-arranged all her appliances to make it work with her out-dated electrical circuit. Few months later they made me help her install her TV and make all stations easily available.

I became a handyman paid with cookies.

I knocked at her door and waited few minutes before she finally reached the door. „Hello, Henry.“

„Is it still broken?“ I ducked around her to her living room, almost tripping on one of her cats.

„Yes, your mum told me to turn it on and off but it was still grainy and the colour was disappearing all the time!“

I turned it on and off again because she is stupid enough to mess up even that – but like she said, it was still fucked. So I turned it off fully by pulling the cord out of the outlet, put it in and turned the TV on again. Nothing. I turned around, grinned at the waiting lady and hit the old box harshly. She shrieked but after some hitches, it started to work as well as such an antique could.

„That wasn't nice!“

„Well, it worked, didn't it?“

„I guess so – would do like cookies for your effort?“

„Sure,“ I shrugged, burrowed my hands in jean pockets and went into her kitchen that smelled like honey and good chocolate. I was delighted to taste better chocolate than usually.

***

Unlike last year I brought my gifts down and willingly opened them with the rest of my family (so many sleep hours are ruining me). Even though everyone still annoyed me I felt safer than in school halls.

It took me a long time to get through the gift hoard from my snake friends so I enslaved the blonds. Which meant I lost a big chunk of my chocolates and surprisingly a book about magical paintings and photographies. Sometimes I forget Elizabeth can read – her grades tell me otherwise.

I got a fluffy blanket for our room, clothes (because I was already outgrowing my closet) and books. Quite a normal haul for me. If one doesn't count the fact that those new clothes were picked by Marie so I ended up with flannel shirts (I didn't mind as they were comfortable and soft but bitched about it anyway).

„How did you know I picked them?“

„It's fucking obvious, you idiot – I found your ‚secret‘ box filled with pictures of a half-naked buff man, mostly in flannel shirts.“ The corner of her eye started to tick. And I haven't even started about the condoms!

„Where do you find the time to snoop in my things?“

„When you sleep, mostly,“ I said honestly and ducked from the trajectory of a thrown ball of wrapping paper. Our younger siblings were snickering together with Fridrich, our parents rolled their eyeballs so much it looked painful. „This time I was waiting for a potion to cool off enough for me to add honey.“

„Honey?“

„Fred and I were experimenting with sweetening potions so they are a – tastier and b – so they are easier to add to candy.“

„Did it work?“ Asked Ludvik.

„With some potions, it does – those who consist mostly of plant-based ingredients. I need to buy few packages of sugar for further experimentation before going to Hogwarts.“

Then I opened a gift from Luna. It was a wooden box with a letter taped to the lid.

‚We planned this with Hermione so if you unpackaged her gift first then this is the thing you can play it on (it should work with muggle ones too).‘ Very nice – I still have no idea what is she writing about. Only Luna.

After inspection, I figured out it was a CD-player that looked more like a tape recorder. I found Hermione's gift shortly after that (and made a mess because I looked for it without care) – it was a CD from a magical rock band Weird Sisters. I turned it on and turned the volume down so we continued making a mountain of colourful paper (but now, with background music). I got ten vials of gnome blood – good, I needed that for my experimental pesticide – and a little box filled with prank-candy from twins.

The last present for me was wrapped in colourful paper that was obviously magical. I had a feeling I knew who sent it to me – and after partially opening it I tried to hide it under my new blanket I threw over me in an effort to stay warmer. Elizabeth managed to steal it (she got quicker, the bitch) and ripped it open with a wide grin. I couldn't stand up as I was assaulted by Marie who sat on my lap.

„Thief!“

„Pot, meet kettle,“ Fridrich stuck his tongue on me (I used to steal toy-cars from him when we were children, to take them apart). They weren't in such an obviously good mood when a pleated skirt fell out of the package.

Fucking Lockhart. I know it was him – after all he was the only one who brought it up multiple times (mainly during my detentions with him). It could be Hermione who since then tried to make bets with me at least five times but she would choose pink or red – not green.

„What?“ came from their mouths.

„It must be a joke,“ I lied through my teeth, shrugging. Most of them bought it – however, mother and Marie looked suspicious. They were always the best in knowing if I were honest.

***

„Wanna try something?“ Fridrich and Marie grinned at me through the half-open door of my room. They had coats on which meant they wanted to drag me out.

„Define how much it would hurt.“

„Not at all,“ Fridrich grinned wider and for a second showed me a cigarette box hidden in his jacket. „Wanna go?“

I didn't want to, but I kind of did? It's weird not seeing them on a daily basis – not like I miss them – but I want to go out with them to smoke cigarettes, behind our parents back. „Sure. Is anybody going to join us?“ I left my lab coat on but pulled my winter robes out of my closet – they were the ‚moder cut‘ option that dad wanted me to get, so it looked like a normal coat (it started as a floor-length, so now it looks a lot more modern). Why have two or more muggle and magical winter garments when I can have one multipurpose?

„No, just us – I think Eli and Lud are too young for this,“ Fridrich grinned and went down the stairs. „Henrietta is going with us!“

„No bruises, young man!“ yelled mum back.

„No worry!“ Marie sang back in her best innocent voice, pulling on her heeled boots. „We'll bring him back in one piece!“ I tied my shoes just in time to be dragged by the back of my robes out of the house.

„Bye mum!“

„Bye!“

„Bye!“

We went out quickly so she doesn't pat us (read: me) down so she knows that someone (me) isn't carrying any contraband. Our journey ended in a close park where we climbed to the top of a jungle gym and Fridrich took out the small box.

“Where did you get it?”

“Bobby let us try and then sold me one when I asked if he could get me one.”

“He wouldn't let ME try, because I'm a GIRL. Sexist idiot,” Marie mumbled.

“So only Fridrich tried it?”

“Yeah. I heard he puked his guts out,” she fake-whispered.

“That's not true!” he turned red – a good sign he was lying. Then he tried to find a lighter. “Where in the hell-“

“I can light them with magic,” I offered, too interested in this new experience.

“Aren't you forbidden by the magical law?”

“Only if I use a wand,” I rolled my eyes. “Like I'm so fucking weak I can't do spells without a piece of dead wood.”

“Sure, oh great wizard – light it up,” I was given one of the cigarettes. A touch of my index finger lit in up.

“Now mine!” Marie offered her own one which I lit together with a third one. “Now what?”

“Are you fucking stupid?” I asked even though I know the answer.

“I just wanted to ask!” she huffed before taking a drag. And then she started to cough, which made me and my oldest sibling laugh. “Assholes.”

“I know,” I tried it and couldn't help myself and coughed too.

“See?” she grinned and jabbed an elbow in-between my ribs. Ouch. The next try was easier and before I finished the cancer-stick I learned how to do it properly. “I think I don't like it enough.”

“Really? Don't you want to be cool and stuff?” Fridrich asked, already smoking another one.

“Not enough I guess,” she scrunched her nose. “But I don't mind the smell. At least Henry is enjoying himself,” they snickered at my laying self. The nicotine loosened my stiffness and made my thoughts go slower, much more manageable. I need to get my hands on these – in bulk because I doubt there is a seller in Hogwarts. I could put my stored Polyjuice potion I brewed last Christmas holidays. I'm sure mum left some hair in her hairbrush.

“Go fuck yourself,” I mumbled before inhaling the quickly addicting smoke and puffing it out together with a bit of my magic – making it into boats that floated around my siblings' heads. They laughed in surprise.

“Nice trick.”

“Better than being able to snort a bugger like a fucking rocket.”

“Hey! That's a crowd-pleaser!”