the road trip
“We can go to America,” Jamie suggests once they’ve both been, in the nicest way possible, fired. There was no you or I; we. She wasn’t going to leave Dani, not now, possibly not ever. “You can show me what all the fuss is about.”
“Really?” Dani doesn’t mean for it to come out cynical. She had meant to be hopeful, but instead it was as if the beast in the back of her mind had influenced her thoughts.
“Well, I don’t have to come.”
“No, I want - I want you to come with,” Dani clarifies, but she knows Jamie is just teasing. But Dani needs to give her an out. A way to pass this point with her. She doesn’t know how many days she has left. Would she be dragged back to Bly manor? How long would it take before she’d look into a reflection and not see her anymore. “I just, you don’t have to if you don’t want. I don’t know how long or if or...”
“I’m the one who offered the company, Poppins. I think that means I want to.” Dani believes her. She believes her, but there’s still the ache in the back of her head, the monster that is lingering.
It’s waiting. She doesn’t know when it will pounce, but she knows it will. She can feel it in her bones. The monster will come and swallow her whole. Why should Jamie have to deal with that type of burden?
“Anyways, this place has gotten rather exciting lately,” Jamie adds. “America sounds positively boring. Besides, what type of place is called Iowa?”
“A boring place,” Dani adds. She wouldn’t go back there to stay. She didn’t want to stay there. But her car was there. It wasn’t anything fancy, but it’d be enough. “We won’t stay there for long.”
Memories would linger anywhere she went while she was there.
And a part of her was afraid. What if Eddie showed back up? She hadn’t seen him since that night with Jamie, but what if he reappeared? His ghost could come back to haunt her along with her, her personal monster.
Or what if his mother appeared? She couldn’t handle that. She had run away for a reason. A reason that was still lingering in the back of her mind. She had always been so kind and nice to Dani, more of a mother than her own. And somehow she had gotten to keep her, even though she had left Eddie, because nobody knew. Nobody knew that Dani had broken up with him the moments before his death. She wasn’t ready to relive the moments that had happened there. She wasn’t sure she could even handle going back into her house with all the memories of him still there.
No, she wouldn’t spend her last bit of time falling back into that place and that sadness. Not when Jamie was beside her.
“It’s small, but it’s mine.” Jamie had explained once she had unlocked the door.
The flat is small, but it is undeniably Jamie’s. The plants clutter the space, but it doesn’t feel suffocating like she would have thought. Nothing about Jamie felt that way, so why should her apartment. It’s nice. Maybe a little darker than what she’s used to. But Jamie’s confidence and movement powers Dani through the door.
They ended up in Jamie’s bed, Chinese food cartons abandoned half-empty on the side table and floor. A map laid out in front of them. And Jamie had been so confused, it was endearing. For Dani, the map of the states seemed natural, but Jamie had practically had an aneurism trying to find out where Iowa was on the map. “It’s too fucking big,” she complained as she opened the map at first. And then when Dani had finally showed her on the map, “that’s in the fucking middle of the place.”
“I don’t want to be back there long,” she admits. Even though she’s told Jamie the minimum of her life there with Eddie, there were more things that she hadn’t told her. “I can’t be there long.”
“Okay, then we just grab your car and run. You know you’re the bad influence on me. I’m the poster child of reform and now I’m on the run.”
And Dani laughs. A real laugh and smile.
“Well, Mikey always wanted to see New York. Maybe we can head that way.”
“I’ve always wanted to see it.”
“Well then, it’s settled. New York first.” And she drew on the map a large circle around the place on the map where Dani pointed. “That’s as good of a starting place as any, I guess. Where’s next?”
No, Dani can’t think past that. “I think one place is fine to start.”
“Alright, we start there and see where it takes us.”
Dani was grateful for Jamie’s easy response. She couldn’t handle explaining it more tonight. She was tired, she hadn’t slept well in the last few nights at Bly, her mind was consumed with the lady in the lake. If she stayed asleep, would she be dragged back down to the lake? It may suffocate her and Dani wasn’t ready. She wasn’t ready to be taken by her beast.
But now in Jamie’s flat, she felt safe. Off the grounds of the manor there was a bit of a relief. The ache in the back of her head had lifted enough that for a few moments, she’d forget about her beast lingering in the jungle.
“I have seen you in your pajama before, Poppins.”
Dani shouldn’t be nervous. And she’s not that kind of nervous. It’s a good type of nerves, ones that come from a little bit of excitement with a tinge of fear of not knowing. And she was in her pajamas in Jamie’s apartment. Not in her room at Bly. Not after a traumatic experience. But now, when they had been talking about going to America and Jamie had tried her best to make her laugh. And the laughs had come easy, because she wanted to hear what Jamie had to say. With Eddie, her laughs hadn’t been completely true, because she hadn’t been completely true. But with Jamie that was true. And Dani was true. And Jamie was true. So the laughs and smiles felt different. Like she was truly being herself, her authentic self.
“It’s cute,” Jamie smiles once Dani has gained the courage to come out of the bathroom.
Jamie had changed while she was gone. Her hair was still tied back, the bandana still in her hair. It didn’t match with her pajamas, but it was so utterly endearing that Dani couldn’t help but smile at her. “You’re cute. The bandana suits you.”
“Cheeky,” Jamie says, but she’s blushing and Dani’s heart thumps loud in her chest. “You were off hogging the bathroom and I’ve got it pinned into my hair, I need the mirror.”
“I could help.”
She offers and she wants. Jamie had taken care of her, and there's this soft pull that draws out the offer from her. And Jamie smiles at her, just a small half smile and she takes that as a cue that she can move towards her. “Sit.”
And Jamie sits. Sits on the bed, facing only halfly away from her. Then Dani gets to work. Her hands may shake, but it’s hopefully small enough that Jamie doesn’t feel it vibrating into her hair. Because she’s touching Jamie’s hair and it makes her nervous. A giddy nervous and she can’t help taking her time finding the bobby pins. They hide in Jamie’s dark curls. The only light glows in from the bathroom and a light in the hallway.
Her hair is soft, different from her own. And she realizes that she hasn’t touched someone like this in a long time. There had been that night, that night together, but this was different. Jamie had touched her like she was something precious and Dani felt the same as she eased the last of the bobby pins out of Jamie’s hair before pulling the bandana off her head.
She remembers how Jamie had taken her hair down after the lake when she had helped Dani into bed. The small act of kindness, something that Jamie had just known to do. She takes the fingertips. cue and lets Jamie’s own hair out of the ponytail that holds it up. “There,” she says after letting her fingers linger pulling the strands down, until Jamie’s hair lays against her neck and Dani can feel skin against her fingertips. And maybe Dani should move away, but Jamie’s skin is so soft and her hair curls around her fingers. Jamie doesn’t seem to mind. This peace comes when Jamie’s hand reaches up to grab at Dani’s wrist. A thumb runs along her wrist and she shivers. Feeling lingers as Jamie turns and tugs Dani down towards her for a kiss. It’s soft, the feel of mouths pressed together. And then there’s another kiss and Dani’s body moves of its own accord, sinking down with her knees on both sides of Jamie’s thighs.
Their kisses feel like they had when Jamie had brought her to see the moonflower. Something still new and exciting. Dani’s tired and Jamie’s mouth is inviting and Jamie’s hands are pressed heavy against her back, supporting her. Kisses taste the same, but there isn’t the rush behind their movements. It’s slow and heavy and oh so nice.
Dani thinks she could stay like this for the rest of eternity. Safe pressed against Jamie’s body, with her strong hands spread against her back. With one of Dani’s own hands pressed against the top of Jamie’s chest and the other intertwined in Jamie’s hair, feeling the skin of her neck.
Kisses that didn’t feel so heavy, but the desperation was behind it. After all they had talked about, all they had been through, feeling Jamie’s tongue against her own made Dani want to cry. Because she had been missing this feeling for her entire life.
In this moment, she forgot all about the beast in the jungle; all about any anxiety or fears. It was just her and Jamie. The two of them with nothing in the world between them.
And even as Dani grinds down onto Jamie’s lap, Jamie’s hands had just slipped underneath. Just a pull to be closer to her. It was a new feeling for Dani. The amount of want that didn’t fit into a certain category. Just her body and mind wanting.
She wanted to feel this close to Jamie forever. Her mind fuzzy in the best way possible. Like something she had never experienced before. Forever in this daze of something that was beginning to feel like love.