the night of
Owen’s repeated question about Hannah was not answered that moment. Instead, Henry ushered them all inside. Flora and Dani were still wet, but Jamie didn’t even think about herself at that moment. Just the woman clinging to her side, whispering the same words over and over again. Owen stayed in the kitchen as the other two groups headed up the stairs. He had supported the majority of Dani while they walked back to the residence. Jamie kept Dani’s trembling body against hers as they made their way up the stairs.
“I’ll come back down,” she promised him as they left for Dani’s bedroom. “I’ll be back.”
There was dread that filled her mind when she thought about Hannah. Nothing good had happened. Whatever Henry told them about Hannah, Jamie wanted to be there for Owen. She needed to be there with him. Hannah had been her first friend on the grounds. The first person that she had made a genuine connection with in such a long time. A connection that gave her smiles and support. The Wingraves may have welcomed her into their fold, but it was Hannah who had given her the seal of approval. Hannah had been the one to understand what she had been through, she worked to get past Jamie’s barriers, she worked to gain her trust. She didn’t judge and it was so refreshing to be around someone who didn’t shy away at the mention of time locked up. It had been Hannah who had been her first real friend in years.
Jamie would never forget that. Never.
And Owen… It had always been there, the moments between Hannah and Owen. She had tried her best to push them towards each other. Orbiting around each other, both waiting for a moment that never came. That never would come. It was a hurt that would last a lifetime. She knew it in her bones.
She would be there for him. She wouldn’t let him go through anything alone.
“It’s us.”
“Shhh,” Jamie hushes again once they enter the au pair’s room. She doesn’t understand what the words mean, just that they are important to Dani.
“It’s us,” Dani is saying it quieter now, not like the mantra she had been saying by the lake.
Jamie isn’t sure what else to say. “It’s okay,” she tries again, not sure what she can say. How do you explain what has happened? Other than just trying to give any comfort she can. So, she tries anything she can. “You’re okay. Flora is okay.”
Dani says it again, staring right into Jamie’s eyes. Jamie’s attention focus bounces between the two different colors. Blue and brown. What happened? A different color, but it was still undeniably Dani’s eye. It was her. “It’s us.” It must mean something. It means something very important, but Jamie hasn’t figured it out yet.
The lake is filthy, but Jamie doesn’t dare suggest a shower to Dani in those moments. She just knows that it isn’t a good idea in her bones. Instead, she helps Dani to sit on a chair while she ruffles through her drawers looking for something for Dani to change into. Something easy and simple. She ruffles for a minute, before producing a nightgown. “Poppins, you need to get changed.”
Dani shakes on the chair. There’s no movement or any indication that Dani has heard or registered her words. Instead, she tries handing the clothes to Dani, but her hands don’t reach to grab them.
“Do you need help?” Jamie offers. She can help; she can do that. She fixes things, she can help fix this, in this moment, she can help fix it.
And Dani nods. It’s small and so subtle that she would have missed it if she had not been paying attention.
“Okay. Okay.” It takes a moment to try and figure out the logistics of it all, for her to reach out a hand to help Dani stand back up. Dani’s still shaking, but it’s softer now, more of a tremble. A tremble that Jamie never wants to see again.
“Hands up then, love.”
It’s been a while since she had taken care of someone else like this. Possibly not since Mikey was young and they were alone. But with Dani, it seems easy because she wants to help. The sweater is a bit heavier now that it’s heavier, so it takes a few extra moments of manoeuvring to get it off Dani’s head. She’ll throw it in the laundry downstairs once they’re done. She’s sure Flora’s clothes will need to be washed as well. She’ll stop by her room before going back downstairs to Owen.
Jamie makes sure her hands don’t linger too long on Dani’s body. She has the long bed dress readily available on the bed. She’s behind Dani when she unclasped her bra. Should this feel harder? More embarrassing? More something. But it doesn’t. It feels like help and comfort. It feels right, so Jamie continues going.
She turns and helps Dani slip the nightgown over her head, draping it down her body. “Shit,” Jamie curses before lifting the dress again so it doesn’t get soaked by Dani’s jeans. She had forgotten the jeans and shoes before starting. “Hold on to this for me.” Dani’s hands are still trembling as she holds the nightgown up.
It’s easier if she gets onto her knees to slip off Dani’s waterlogged shoes. The floor isn’t forgiving on her knees, but she isn’t focused on anything but Dani. “Lift,” she commands softly, lifting each foot out of the shoe and the sock. She does the same for the opposite side, before standing up to help Dani out of her pants. This part she lets Dani do. She holds out the clean underwear she had picked up. She averts her eyes as Dani leans down to slip them up her legs underneath the dressing gown.
“There we go.”
It’s still dark outside, but Jamie knows the sun will rise in just an hour or so. She doesn’t know if Dani knows this, but there’s such heaviness in the air that Jamie knows she needs to help Dani lay down. Sleep away some of the tremors and horrors of the night. Sleep away through the exhaustion.
She lets Dani’s hair down out of its ponytail before she has even thought about it. Jamie’s own hair hurts if she lays with it still tied up and she doesn't want Dani to hurt, not if she can help it.
“It’s us,” Dani repeats softly. “It’s us.”
Everything she has wishes to understand what Dani is saying. “It’s us,” she repeats as she pulls back the sheets to Dani’s bed.
“No,” Dani shakes again. She’s done something wrong and the peace they had started to create starts to evaporate. “No. It’s her.”
Jamie shushes again. “Alright,” she whispers, guiding Dani into the bed. “Easy.”
“It’s her. She-- she’s me.”
She doesn’t understand. It doesn’t make sense, but Dani’s looking at her like she’s just unearthed some universal secret to tell Jamie. It’s real to Dani and that makes it real. “She’s not you. You’re you.”
“No. It’s us. It’s us.” Dani’s upset again and Jamie curses herself. “She’s there. She’s there. It’s us.”
“I believe you.” Dani needs to know that. Jamie believes what she's saying-- she had seen as much herself, not the full story, not what happened within Dani, but she believed her. “I believe you.” Jamie runs her hand through Dani’s hair, hoping it will help settle Dani back down into the bed. Anything to give her a bit of comfort. She’s sat on the edge of the bed, trying to help lull Dani back down.
It seems to help. She continues her new mantra. “I believe you.” The desperation in Dani’s eyes seem to settle. She believes her and that’s the important thing. She believes in Dani. That’s enough for her.
She knows she’s told Owen she’ll be back down. But she’s sat down on the bed now and doesn’t know if she can get up quite quickly. Dani is finally back to not saying the same words over and over again. She doesn’t want that peace to be ruined by her leaving. Instead, she keeps a hand on Dani. She keeps looking at Dani and watching her calm down slowly. “It’s alright.” It will be alright, Jamie will make sure of it. Whatever faces Dani next will face the both of them. Any noise that arises sends Jamie back into motion, tucking Dani’s hair back behind her ear, letting her fingers linger on Dani’s face. The ends of Dani’s hairs are starting to dry and her eyes are starting to drift off. Jamie continues her gentle strokes of Dani’s face and hair.
Jamie wants to lay down beside her as the moments pass away. Not to sleep-- just to stay there. Just making sure that Dani was okay and safe. That there was no monster coming out of the lake. To make sure Dani was safe.
“I’ll be back,” she promises once Dani’s eyelids are heavy and dropping.
“Promise?”
And god. It’s in the same soft, hopeful voice as Dani has said before. Softness replaces the anxiety as she strokes Dani’s hair back again, the curls pushing against her fingers. This time she won’t tease. No, she’ll make this promise. She shouldn’t have left in the first place. “I promise.” She presses a kiss to Dani’s forehead. And when she does, she realizes that it's the first time she hasn’t felt Dani shaking. The kiss lasts a few moments as Jamie’s eyes close as well. “I promise.”
This time it’s Dani’s hand that stretches out to grab her finally. Her hand reaches and grabs at Jamie’s. Their fingers grip each other tightly. The promise is made physically as well with a squeeze. She knows she’s meant to leave now, she had said so, but she can’t move when Dani’s hand is in her own. Not yet. Perhaps not ever.
“You’re wet.”
It shouldn’t make her smile, but she does. Because it’s Dani and she’s finally spoken outside of the repetitions. Relief washes over her. “Blimey,” she teases and Dani huffs. She smiles again, because Dani laughed. And she’ll say anything to hear that again. Even if it’s small and just a huff. Even if it takes different styles of jokes, she’ll learn. She can adapt.