Albatross
repression, however, is not the most obvious characteristic of the sea
- A Grave, Marianne Moore
That night, Elide didn’t sleep. At 4 a.m., she wandered down to a patio overlooking the ocean and stayed there until dawn, just watching the water, her hand an aching weight. Formless, endless, quiet. How Elide craved the quiet. Eyes closed, half lost, Elide didn’t hear Manon approaching until it was too late.
“Hey El. What are you doing up so early?” Manon came to stand next to her and leaned on the balcony, dressed for her morning run.
“Hi Manon.” Elide replied softly, unable to meet the other woman’s eyes. The ocean boomed around them, unending, unyielding, undone. She felt undone. Spit it out. There’s no time like the present and the small wheels of fate have turned, turned, turned. “Lorcan asked me to marry him last night.”
“What?” Manon jerked, a half-aborted movement. Her hands gripped the railing, bone white. “Did – what did you say?”
In answer, Elide lifted up her left hand, the diamond gleaming between them.
“Oh.” Manon breathed out. She looked … lost.
“Manon.” Elide’s voice cracked on that name. Her childhood love, her teenage dream, her best friend. Here we stand at the end of our road. I’m so sorry, I’m so – “Manon we can’t see each other anymore.”
This time, Manon didn’t try to stop herself from flinching. Face pale, she said, “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means …” Elide ran her hands through her hair, facing the ocean because she couldn’t face this. Here. You. Us. “Lorcan and I … we talked about it. This friendship we have, it’s not good for our relationship. It’s not good for me. So I can’t keep seeing you.” Her eyes slipped shut for a moment, the heartbeat of a firefly.
“No, fuck no.” Manon spat, the fine muscles in her hands shaking. “That’s bullshit.”
“Manon, I’m so sorry.” Elide’s voice cracked. Cracked and cracked and cracked. The words weren’t good enough, why couldn’t the words be good enough. “But I can’t. I promised. I have to fight for him. For us.”
“This is Salvaterre’s doing, isn’t it.” Manon said, low and dangerous. “He’s fucking making you.”
“Lorcan and I decided together.” Elide whispered. A tear slipped free.
“Don’t you dare try and tell me that what we have isn’t good.” Manon said, her voice shaking. She got right up in Elide’s space. “El, don’t do this. What Lorcan’s asking – it isn’t right. Come with me, or I’ll get Aelin or Lysandra or Dorian or anyone. I’ll do anything, just please don’t go with him. Please.” Manon lifted a hand, her fingers coming up to brush Elide’s cheek. We’ve lived this life a thousand times before, a thousand times and … Elide flinched away.
She had never flinched from Manon before.
Manon froze.
Stealing herself, Elide closed her eyes once more. Just try for me. I promise. I cannot bear to lose one more home. I cannot. “No.” She breathed the word. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know anything.”
“Then look me in the eyes.” Manon’s voice came out numb. “Fucking look me in the eyes and say it.”
So Elide did. “I can’t see you anymore.”
“Coward.”
The word hit Elide like a slap. Manon tore through the world with her claws out, but she had never once snapped at Elide.
In the aftershock of that pain came anger, and god it felt good. “Don’t you dare call me a coward,” Elide spat. “You’ve never liked Lorcan. You pushed him, and you pushed me, and you’ve wanted us to break up since the day we started dating. Plot twist Manon – I’m not yours. This has never been your decision to make.”
Manon Blackbeak did not crack. She never cracked. She went toe-to-toe with life and came out the other side, head held high. Elide believed this with the conviction of breathing. But here, at a cool dawn on a small island, Elide watched certainty splinter.
Face pale, Manon said, “He cuts you down. He crushes everything good and bright and brilliant inside you. He’s hurting you. That’s what I really think, Elide Lochan. And you might believe different, but I’ve held back from ripping through him all these years out of respect for you.”
“You never accepted that I love him.”
“Oh don’t be such a fucking idiot. I accepted it, all right. But I never liked it. What? Did you want me get on my knees at night and pray my god, I hope Elide loves a man who thinks she’s an object, not a human being?”
“Do not talk about Lorcan like that.”
“He’s with because he likes fucking you!” Manon threw the words in her face. “He likes fucking you and he likes showing you off to his friends, but he doesn’t love you. Not really.”
“You’re jealous of what I have with him.” Elide shot back, shaking. “You’re lonely and you’re jealous and you spend your days finding women you don’t care about to fill your nights with. So don’t you dare talk to me about love. You wouldn’t know what it is.”
Manon smiled at her then, and it was a splintered thing. Sharp, and small, and ragged. Manon cracked cleaned through. “So that’s what you think about me. About us. All those years together. Well here’s what I think. Honesty, isn’t that right, babe? We’re being honest now. You think I never loved you? You want to end us? Then it’s ended. Stay out of my fucking way – I certainly won’t be bothering you again.”
Elide’s nails bit through her palms. Almost idly, she wondered when the pain would hit. It never did. You ever heard a noise so loud, it crosses the event horizon into silence?
Yeah. Like that.
That’s how Asterin found them. Five feet apart, breathing too hard, not breathing at all, a catastrophe, a blowout, a whiteout. The end.
“What the hell is going on?” Asterin said, looking from Elide to Manon to Elide.
“Ask her.” Manon spat. Shoulders shaking, she turned fast and stalked away, never looking back.
“Elide?” Asterin half-turned to follow her cousin, hesitating.
Crossing her arms over her chest, Elide snapped, “Talk to her. I’m done.”