Cant avoid this feeling forever, right?
The next few days drag on. Lena goes through the motions of Christmas at the Luthor’s, her parents give her gifts that are plain and don’t match her personality at all. It's not that she isn’t grateful, but it’s a cold reminder that they really have no idea who she is and what she likes. She counts every morning as one day closer to being back at school and away from the manor. She is thankful that the conversation between her and Lex doesn’t come up again and her parents are too focused on work to really pay her much attention. Everyone sees the bruise on her cheek, but no one asks. Finally, after what felt like eternity, the morning comes where she can finally be free.
Per usual, her parents aren’t there to see her off (not that she minds) but as she descends the staircase, she sees Lex standing at the entrance speaking with their driver.
“Well Lena this is where we part. I hope you enjoyed the holidays.”
Lena doesn’t say anything, simply acknowledges his statement with a curt smile.
She moves to walk past him with every intention of that being the end of the conversation. She’s stopped mid stride by a hand grabbing her forearm bringing her to a halt.
“Do remember the conversation we had little sister; I will be in touch.” Lex tells her with a smug wink. She believes his statement entirely, she knows it’s a matter of time before she has to answer to him, but she really doesn’t want to think about that right now.
She was ecstatic to see Kara, but was equally as terrified. How could she face her? She made sure to make it to the station just as the last of the students were boarding. She didn’t want to admit it, but she wanted to avoid Kara until she could figure out her next move. She made it on the train and found one of the closest carts with students she didn’t know so she wouldn’t have to talk to anyone. She spent the rest of the ride lost in her thoughts, she wanted to think about anything else but her thoughts always came back to Kara.
_____________________________________________________________________________
On the other end of the train Kara was fidgeting in her seat. She had a wonderful Christmas with Alex and Eliza. They got their usual Christmas sweaters made and wore them on Christmas morning. This year’s theme was a badger sweater for Kara and a lion for Alex. They had spent their time laughing, making Christmas cookies and watching their traditional Danvers families holiday movies. Kara had sent Lena letters as promised and while Lena had also kept her end of the deal, something seemed off about her letters.
She couldn’t wait to see Lena; she would admit a lot of her holiday was spent wondering what the other girl was up to. She was happy to spend time with Eliza but was also very happy to be going back to school.
“Kara! Will you relax, you’re starting to make me nervous.” Alex says breaking her out of her thoughts.
They had found their usual Cart and were happy to reunite with Maggie, Winn and Barry. They had passed Lucy along the way and swapped stories of the break but she told them she’d be sitting with Jimmy for the ride.
“I’m sorry, it’s just the train has already started and I haven’t seen Lena yet. That doesn’t seem like her.” Kara says with worry in her voice. “Maybe I should go look for her?”
“Kar. Maybe she’s busy, we'll catch up with her when we get back to school okay?” Alex tells her in her big sister reassuring tone.
Kara really wanted to believe her, but her gut told her something was wrong.
As soon as the train stopped Lena collected her belongings as fast as she could, she wanted to be one of the first students on the carriage so she could continue to avoid Kara. She hated that this is what it had come too. Kara didn’t deserve to be ignored, but she also rationalized it that if she saw Kara right now, she’d lose any composure she had. She made it into the castle fast enough and practically ran straight to her dorm room. It was a Saturday which meant she only had one more day before she would inevitably run into Kara, she knew she couldn’t avoid her forever but was thankful for the buffer. The other problem however, was how was Lena going to eat? At some point she’d have to make her way down to the Great Hall but then she risked seeing Kara, and if she went straight to the kitchens she'd also risk running into Kara since the Hufflepuff common room was down there.
She held out the rest of the night and into the next day. Sunday evening however when she was catching up on her reading the pang in her stomach told her she could avoid eating any longer. Lena had never really wondered what it was like being a burglar sneaking around at night, but that’s exactly how she felt as she made her way through the dark corridors. She peeked into the Great Hall first and was relieved that only a few stragglers remained as she sat quickly and ate as fast as she could. Kara would’ve been proud at the amount of food Lena was eating, she always said Lena never did eat enough.
Once she was done, she made her way back to the Slytherin Common room to get ready for the start of classes the next day.
“Well, if it isn’t little Luthor. We wondered when we’d be seeing you around.” Maggie says as she leans against one of pillars with a smug grin on her face. She was wearing her practice cloak so Lena could only assume she had just finished with quidditch practice. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like you’re avoiding us.”
Lena stopped dead in her tracks and knew she couldn’t pretend like she hadn’t seen Maggie. “Maggie, it is lovely to see you! How was your holiday?!”
“Cut the crap Luthor, what’s going on?” Maggie says getting straight to the point.
Lena hated that over the last few weeks she had found herself staying quiet, she was always one to speak up for herself. Lately no words have seemed to be enough and she opts to just say nothing.
Maggie immediately knew something was wrong, Lena would never miss an opportunity for a witty come back. She moved into her space and could finally see the girls face only to find a faint bruise on her cheek. “Lena who did that to you!?”
Lena fought back tears and knew this wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have. “Maggie please just let it go okay? I’m fine I just need some space.”
“No Luthor you don’t get to do that; Kara has been worried sick about you and I find you sneaking around the corridors. I’d like to think I know you well enough to know something is wrong.”
“Maybe that’s the problem…you don’t know me at all. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to get ready for tomorrow.”
Maggie didn’t respond, she simply stood there with her mouth open in complete shock and Lena hated herself for it. She didn’t even bother to turn around to see her expression because she knew she’d hate herself even more if she did.
Monday morning comes far too quickly for Lena’s liking. She gets through the morning without incident, but her afternoon class with Kara is coming up.
She opts to just avoid the class entirely, but knew that sooner or later she would have to face Kara.
She hated this feeling.
Kara was someone who was so kind and pure, someone she loved being around. But after everything she learned while at home, she knew that Kara would be safer if she stayed away. Lena would never forgive herself if something happened to Kara, especially if it was her fault.
Lena knew she needed to do something…she just didn’t know what quite yet.
The walk to class is long as she takes her time with her mind up in the clouds. She was the last student to walk through the door and hoped by some miracle someone else had taken her seat next to Kara. Unfortunately, that was the only seat left. She knew if she made eye contact with Kara it would all be over, that she would cave. She needed to be strong for Kara, she knew it was going to hurt Kara now but if it saved her in the end, she had to do it.
She shuffled to her seat, sat down and gathered her books. She could feel Kara staring at her but maintained her composure and the urge to just hug her friend.
Before Kara got a chance to speak Lena simply told her “I’m okay. Meet me at our place by the lake after dinner.”
Lena was proud that she was calmly able to get the words out and avoid much eye contact. The lesson seemed to drag on, Lena thought it was cruel how the world worked sometimes. As soon as class was dismissed Lena packed up her bag as fast as she could and practically ran out, leaving behind a very frustrated Kara.
Lena went about the rest of her day and spent the rest of the afternoon in the library pretending to study. She read the paragraphs but by the end of the page realized she hadn’t actually paid enough attention to what was said and had to start again. She was getting frustrated but what was more frustrating was how much her mind was swimming with different thoughts. None of which pertained to her charms book. She looked out the window and saw the sun setting out in the distance and decided any more studying wasn’t going to happen.
She took her time walking out to the lake, it was still awfully cold but the snow had been steadily thawing as it got slightly warmer. Winter was still very evident, but soon spring would take its place.
Lena looked out over the partially frozen lake; the sunsets were always beautiful here no matter the time of year. She wanted to sit, but thought better of it as the ground was still wet from the snow. She paced, and over time the ground under her path thawed and the grass below started to show.
Could she tell Kara the truth? And if she did, would Kara hate her? She couldn’t bear the thought of Kara hating her but also knew she deserved to know the truth, and if it could keep Kara safe then she had to take that risk. Right? How could she make things right with Kara but also appease her family without suspicion? There was no easy answer, no matter which option she picked someone would get hurt.
Just as the sun started to set, she could hear a pair of footsteps approaching as their steps crunched in the snow. She wasn’t surprised this time about who it was, she just knew it was Kara; she didn’t even have to look to know. She could just feel her presence.
The second she turned around (much like she knew would happen) Kara started her usual rush of words.
“Lena! Where have you been? I've been so worried. Are you okay! I almost snuck into Slytherin to find you but Alex told me that would be a bad idea. Then I looked for you at the Great Hall… have you been eating? You know how important food is...”
Lena looks Kara in the eyes and her heart breaks. Breaks because she knows Kara has been worried about her. She’s seen Kara sad before, hell she’s seen the girl cry. But the way Kara’s blue eyes are tearing up right now while her lower lip quivers…Lena knows. “Kara. Relax. I’m fine, just have a lot going on” She tells her, giving the best reassuring smile she can as she fights back her own urge to cry. Kara opens her mouth to rant again, but surprisingly nothing comes out.
Lena doesn’t realize that she had closed the distance between the two of them. Kara was taller and as Lena got closer, she had to look up to meet her gaze. They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, just looking at another, both wondering what to say next but also not wanting to break the moment.
“I just worry a lot about you Lena and I didn’t really hear much from you over the break and when I didn’t see you when we got back, I got scared something had happened to you. Then Maggie said she had seen you but you seemed a little off.”
Lena doesn’t really know what she’s doing until it happens. She had never really thought about Kara as anything other than a friend, but deep down she knew that was always a lie.
In the moment Kara just kept rambling on and the only thing Lena could do was surge forward. It was rushed at first, just lips colliding.
Kara’s lips felt cold against Lena’s and as quickly as it had happened Lena quickly pulled back.
“Oh my god Kara, I am so sorry.” Lena says as she sees Kara's stunned gaze. She had just kissed Kara, partly to shut the girl up and partly because it’s what she’d always wanted to do. She had never stopped to ask herself if Kara had felt the same way though and horror quickly erupted from the pit of her stomach. It had been a mistake. Kara probably never wanted to see her again after that.
Lena closed her eyes and started to back up, preparing herself for Kara to either tell her off or completely leaving her standing there alone in the woods.
Before she could prepare for the inevitable rejection Lena felt an arm around her back that pulled her back in, impossibly closer.
The next feeling Lena feels is those same cold lips against hers however, they started to feel warmer. Kara was kissing her back…but this time they were no hesitation. All of Lena’s fear and doubts quickly wash away as she reaches her hand behind Kara’s neck to deepen the kiss. It's slow at first, tender if you will. But soon enough, Kara tongue licks along her bottom lip and Lena can’t help but allow her access. Kara kisses her like it's going to be the last thing she ever does and Lena has to remind herself to breathe. That’s easier said than done, with Kara this close she feels breathless.
They break apart sooner than Lena would have liked and she will admit she had chased after Kara’s lips as soon as they were gone.
“Wow” was all Kara said as she held her hands to her lips, not believing it was true.
“Wow indeed miss Danvers.” Lena says back trying to hide the redness in her cheeks as she stares at the girl in complete awe.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that” Kara breathes out she brushes Lena’s cheek with the back of her hand.
The two start to giggle and Lena finds it absolutely adorable, all she can do is stare into Kara’s baby blue eyes, never wanting to miss a moment.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that too. I’m sorry if I just sprang that on you, I have no idea what came over me.”
“Please tell me it wasn’t a mistake? Tell me you meant it.”
“God Kara, it could never not mean anything to me.”
“Good” was all Kara said as she leaned in again as her lips moved against Lena’s.
Now, this was definitely not Lena’s first kiss. She had a short fling with a girl named Veronica, one of her parent’s friends’ daughters. Lena tried to forget about that part of her life, Veronica was a horrible kisser and an even worse person. She was awful to Lena and after Veronica had completely acted like she never existed she vowed that the next person she dated would be worth it. Sure, she was young but she always felt deep down that she would never be worthy of someone’s love. Maybe she was right? But being here with Kara in that moment she hoped... hoped that maybe, just maybe, she was worth it. To kiss Kara Danvers was like seeing fireworks for the first time or feeling the cold ocean on your feet at the beach. Equally startling but something you never want to stop experiencing. Lena never wanted it to stop. But she also needed to tell Kara the truth.
“Kara there is something I need to tell you” She says as she breaks away, this time Kara chasing after her.
“Can it wait?” Kara says with a huff and one of her traditional Kara pouts. Lena doesn’t want to tell her, doesn’t want to break her heart. She knew if she didn’t tell her now, she never would. Kara deserves better than that, especially now.
“Kara please, it's important. You need to know the truth.”
“Oh what? Do you like me? I think I picked that up.” Kara says cheekily as she moves both of her arms around Lena’s waist.
“Kara. I’m being serious. Please?”
It may have been the way Lena had said it or the way Kara could just read Lena’s expression but Kara had let go and grabbed both of her hand and held them close.
“Okay Lena you’re worrying me what’s wrong? Did I…. Did I do something wrong?
“No! Kara you could never do anything wrong. It’s me. It’s what I did.”
“I think Alex and Eliza would disagree with you; I tend to do things wrong.”
“Kara, to me you are perfect. I promise it’s something else.”
“Okay... well I’m all ears, what’s up?” Kara says as she massages the back of her neck anticipating whatever was going to come next. Lena hated this feeling; she could see Kara’s happiness quickly turn into worry as she started to fidget with her glasses. Kara’s classic tell.
“You know how much I love the cold, but I think this is something we should talk about inside. Where it’s warm and I can feel my toes.”
“Anything for you ma’am, you sure you’re okay though?”
“We’ll see.”
Kara just frowns at her and Lena goes to give her a quick kiss before she grabs her hand and leads her back to the castle. Lena turns around to see Kara smiling as she trails behind her. She will never forget the way the sunset radiated behind Kara’s silhouette; how Kara’s blonde hair practically glowed in the falling sun and how the dusk made her eyes shine like the stars. She wanted to always remember this smile on Kara, the one She had caused. She knew what would come next would not be easy so she wanted to live in this moment for as long as she could.