Chapter 25
Ry’s arrival to the valley had been cold. The villagers had assumed her presence as a bad aftertaste of Finn, and though she’d done her best to challenge it, proving sweetness wasn’t work she had intended to sign up for. Those first months had been long and arduous, barely being able to leave the farm as she attempted to bring it back to something productive. Her work kept her from languishing in her loneliness, but it had been there, solid and ongoing.
Linus, reluctant to deal with others though he was, had been the most willing to be won over. Maybe it was because she’d been near hysterical in loneliness, or maybe it was because she could feel his presence was a calm and steady one, but she’d never felt the uneasiness he tended to elicit from the other villagers. Once they’d established they both liked to sit with their feet in the lake and eat blackberries, it was easy to become friends. He had wisdom about the natural world, and Ry, early in her farming days, was eager to receive it.
The second deeper than superficial connection she made was not one she would exactly refer to as friendship. The perplexing blue stationary had graced her mailbox after returning to the farm with the key to the community centre in her pocket. Her instincts told her the invitation was a prank.
But it was still an invitation.
That evening she found herself in the tower, across from – apparently – a real wizard, sheened in immortal purple glory, drinking something she wasn’t sure wasn’t poison.
He’d handed it to her straight out of his bubbling cauldron, filling the room with green vapours and a smell like pine needles, honey and juniper, with a touch of rot. The taste was heavy on the rot.
She held the wooden tankard at arms length, “so this will make me one with the forest, hm?” Her voice heavy with disbelief. Though she had just seen him vanish and reappear like it was nothing.
And what had Linus said? That magic lurked closer to the surface here than elsewhere? Did that really mean --? Her city slicker rationality was holding her back from believing her own eyes.
He just stared at her expectantly.
And Ry, not usually one so swayed by the confounding wishes of others, lifted the burning contents of sludge to her lips and drank the whole thing down.
She stumbled into a seat, accidentally landing on top of some ancient dusty tome. The heady fumes coming out of the cauldron, mixed with whatever concoction she’d just swallowed was making her vision swim.
The wizard glared at her from across the room, eerie green flames illuminating him in foreboding menace. The eccentric reclusive magician of when she first arrived fading quickly into the background of her memory.
“I feel like I’m about to pass out.”
“You need clarity if you’re to continue on your path.”
“So you poisoned me?”
“I wouldn’t waste poison on the likes of you.”
“Then what am I feeling?”
“Nothing that won’t pass.”
“And this is supposed to help me?”
“Not with the capital accumulation you’re looking for.”
“What?”
“This forest, child.”
Yoba she was fucking woozy. She’d silently slipped from the chair and was now lying flat on the floor. The enormous form of the wizard gazing down at her. He appeared to be stretching taller and taller, his head yearning towards the top of his tower, yet his eyes burning so close to her it felt sickening. Hypnotic, in its way.
“I don’t think I can get home like this.” Ry admits, feeling nausea roll her and trying to laugh it off.
“What is home, child? But where the trees and the wind and the stars that watch over us?” His voice was a wisp of air, far away.
“This is a little beyond my reach right now...” She mumbled, tumbling head first into unconsciousness.
After that, Ry’s grip on the rational world was weak. These woods had claimed her in perpetuity. No matter how she might resists, or how much the overwhelming mundane practicality of business ownership burdened her, she was always coaxed back into the wizard’s world.
The only thing that kept her from the headlong plunge was Shane.
She had worked her way through befriending the villagers like a spiral, winding in from the outer edge where some reached to touch the veil – or at least made eyes at it – towards the sheltered centre of benign ignorance. Linus and the Wizard. Marlon and Gil. Emily. Willy. Leah. Eventually to arrive at Haley, perhaps the epicentre of absorbed normalcy. Yet far form grounding.
Shane, not the total centre, definitely prone to profound moods of irrationality, helped keep her steady when she felt her reality wobble. It wasn’t a defined thing, something either of them spoke out loud. It was his brashness, and his candour, his solidity – however much he might doubt it. The fact was, having someone else around made it easier to stay on track.
And in her distance from him this winter, manufactured by her own shame, she had slipped too deeply into her irrational side. She had not sought proper mechanisms to keep her grounded. She had let herself drift.
Her winter activities had been thus;
a replication of some very old patterns;
a clandestine meeting with a weirdo billionaire in the backroom of a desert casino – who’s cryptic advice had decidedly not helped and of which she did not wish to speak of again;
finishing the community centre repairs via magic and then just, not really telling anyone about it;
and getting laid for the first time in longer than she’d like to think about, awakening a lust she’d thought best simmered down.
Now, spring. Waking up in cold sweats. Her prayers unanswered.
~~Spring~~
In the weeks that followed the feast of the winter star, Abbi had inserted herself into Haley’s life on a semi-regular basis. She was getting bored, looking for her next steps in life and coming up dry. Maybe that was because she was trying to put away her endless reckoning with... a certain past event(s) – and yet simultaneously quite unable to let it go. It left her in a floundering dilapidation, stuck staring at the ceiling of her childhood bedroom and avoiding her parents. Comfortable in the familiar discomfort, yet itching for something else. Haley proved herself as something else, for lack of better words to describe her. And she was strangely open to Abbi, any animosity that might have existed between them was giving way to something that almost felt like a friendship.
It was Abbi’s idea then, that they drive to the city together. She needed to pick something up, anyway.
It was a brisk spring morning, rain and sun fighting to dominate the sky, when Abbi pulled up in front of 2 Willow Lane in her parents’ car, lent to her on the strict condition she return it that evening without a scratch.
Haley looked tired when she came out, and she must have been up for awhile already, given how put together she looked. She was wearing a tight white t-shit, cropped just enough to show some skin between the hem and her low rise jeans – no bra. The top was only see-through enough to draw Abbi’s eyes enough times it was going to get embarrassing. Her jeans were light wash blue, baggy, tucked into ridiculous pink fuzzy boots – though somehow Haley made them look normal. Her hair was slicked back into a messy bun. Abbi had no doubt all her fly-aways had been intentionally selected. Makeup to make it look like she wasn’t wearing any makeup type glow.
You could see the exact same outfit on millions of girl’s social media. The only thing that stood out was her jewellery. A matching set of gold earrings, bracelet and necklace. Sapphires – matching her eyes perfectly – dangled from their respective chains like charms. It looked vintage, possibly a family heirloom. A little too clunky for current trends, but gorgeous.
Of all the outfits she had seen Haley wear since her reappearance, this was the closest (in vibe) to what she’d worn in high school. A comfort outfit? Apart from her lounge wear, she tended to wear things that were a little more flavourful, statement pieces. She’d seen her in her dad’s store wearing a hand embroidered corset over a silk button up that she didn’t even want to think about how much cost. Another day she’d worn strappy sandals with the straps tied over top of her pants, all the way up her thighs. In Pelican town. Haley made statements, wherever she went.
So to see her in such casual attire, outside in her day to day, stood out to Abbi. Especially in the very not casual attention to detail. Was she performing relaxed? To Abbi, relaxed was a sweat shirt washed so many times it was almost disintegrating. Old boxers losing their elastic. Scuffed slippers and unwashed hair. Today she was basically dressed up, wearing oversized black shorts and an oversized hoodie to match, the same black boots she wore nearly everyday. Underneath her hoodie she had on a shirt she was particularly fond of, but who knew if she’d even show it off. And besides, she’d seen Haley undone, or as much as she allowed herself to get. In those moments she’d stolen by showing up unannounced at her house. So she knew this wasn’t it. And she didn’t know why she was thinking about it so much. Why she was noticing every last damn detail about Haley’s tastes, or what they could mean.
“Music?” She asked Haley, looking for something else to think about as she turned onto the highway, cruising out of town.
Wordlessly Haley connected her phone.
The resulting playlist was an incredibly curated collection of songs. Old classics evoking nostalgia alongside artists she’d never heard before, an unambiguously tasteful selection.
“Did you make this?”
Haley nodded.
Abbi bit her lip.
She wasn’t sure why she’d assumed Haley’s taste maker status wouldn’t extend beyond the visual. This did not soothe her wonderings, but soon her mind did soon turn towards what was to come. And how she just felt a little bit weaker every time she left the valley.
A hard rain pelting the window woke Shane and he knew he couldn’t avoid Ry anymore. He had been silently completing his winter farm duties but now that a new season had arrived they could not be incommunicado any longer. Were they putting in the spring crops or not? If he wanted to keep his job he was going to have to figure out the plan, and he doubted Ry would silently mail it to him with emotionally devoid instructions so they could continue on this pattern of avoidance.
When he opened his door she was there. Dressed in full rain gear, standing underneath the sparse cover of his yet budding apple tree. “We doing this or what?” She yelled at him over the heavy downfall.
He paused, wondering if this sudden appearance pissed him off more than having to go find her in the field. He couldn’t tell, so he just slammed the door of his house behind him, pulled the hood of his raincoat over his head and stomped out into the yard.
“I’ll meet you in the green house.” He growled, without looking back at her. He still had to see to the animals before he could start on any other project.
He tore his way through it, sloppily dumping feed when he’d normally be measured, not giving the animals his usual good mornings. Before exiting the paddock, he slipped in pig shit. He didn’t go all the way down, managing to steady himself with the fence. As he gripped it, he realized he really wasn’t pissed, only going through the motions of being so. And he wondered at his ability to get out of them.
After an Emily-Alex-Evelyn intervention, Haley had agreed to quit her job. Her behaviour at the feast of the winter star was a clear indication that she could not continue as she had been.
Emily has made the point “we’re lucky enough to have this house, you can rest here as long as you need.” Alex and Evelyn had supported this, and in truth, it didn’t take much convincing. She couldn’t even remember why her work had been so important to her in the first place.
Her employers had been passive aggressive about it.
A lot of “what are we going to do without you!” Which Emily, in not so typical lack of bubbliness, translated to “what are they going to do when they can’t underpay someone for the work of 3 people.”
She’d decided, after a few weeks of deliberating, to put her notice in at her apartment too. She couldn’t afford to pay rent when she wasn’t living there, or working. Though her little place had held her for a number of years, in truth, she barely had any memories there. She’d always been coming and going, her home only a crash pad between shifts and outings (which she was coming to realize, had just been another type of shift, with some rare exceptions). She wasn’t looking forward to it, but she was going to have to move out. When Abbi offered to help her begin the process, she couldn’t refuse.
Though she was feeling more anxious about it than she’d like to admit.
She’d been able to avoid the feeling for most of the ride, but as they began whizzing past the outer suburbs it was increasingly difficult. What if she ran into someone she knew? From work? She wasn’t sure she could face a small talk conversation right now. At least Abbi didn’t mind being silent, seemingly content to listen to Haley’s playlist and enjoy her snacks without comment.
As Haley’s nerves were reaching a peak, Abbi diverted from the route she was expecting.
“I just need to make a quick stop, it’ll only take a minute.”
Haley nodded, assuming it was to refuel or a bathroom break.
When they hit the exit, it began to rain. Huge drops exploding on the windshield. They began winding their way through a wealthy suburb. Sprawling manicured lawns. Houses with four car garages. Evidently, they weren’t hitting a gas station.
On the side of the neighbourhood with more reasonably sized lawns, Abbi pulled up in front of one of the houses and parked her car.
She took a deep breath in, “okay, I’ll just be a second.” She said before getting out of the car. Haley watched as she ran across the lawn and rang the doorbell. Even under the awning she was still getting rained on, her weight shifting from side to side as she waited in the cold.
The man who opened it was in his early 40s, by Haley’s judgment. Handsome in a certain light. There was something about his smirk and the way he was leaning in the doorway that didn’t sit well with her. With Abbi’s back turned to her, she couldn’t tell how she was reacting, but something about her posture communicated nervous.
After a brief conversation, the man disappeared for a few seconds, returning soon with a cardboard box in his arms. Abbi went to reach for it and he jerked it out of her grasp, chuckling.
Haley did not like the way he was looking at Abbi. Or the way he was making her stand in the rain.
She lifted her hand up to the steering wheel, biting her lip as she considered how rude she was about to be. He was still smirking at Abbi, and not giving her back her things.
Haley honked the horn.
The man looked up, shocked by the sound, or by the fact that someone else was in Abbi’s car. For the briefest moment, they locked eyes. A slimy shiver wound its way down Haley’s spine. In his momentary distraction, Abbi grabbed the box out of his hand and turned and ran back across the lawn.
She threw the box in the back seat and then herself in the front. Turning the car on, she only took the briefest moment to look in the rear view and wipe at her eyeliner, just barely beginning to run. From the rain or..? She didn’t say anything about the honk.
Haley didn’t say anything about it either. But she was wondering.
Abbi felt less like herself when she wasn’t in the valley – like a piece of her was going inactive. When she’d first moved away, that had been a nice reprieve. The promise of maybe getting to be someone else. But over time, it was like she was being sapped of some innate power. As stifled as she felt in her childhood bedroom, it had proven better to feel she was tamping something down, rather than it being gone entirely. That was part of the reason she was lingering at home before moving on. How could she hold onto this part of her? How could she fully realize it? Sharpen the blade of a soul gone dull and pummel her enemies, who happened to be, mostly, her own bad habits.
As she drove down the highway she felt the confirmation of what she did not want to face; that there was something about the valley itself. Something of herself was contained there and as the distance grew it stripped itself away, almost imperceptibly. But she was noticing it now.
Though, in fairness, maybe that was only her nerves as she had barrelled towards reckoning with her past mistakes.
She hadn’t said anything to Haley about it. Hadn’t prefaced, hadn’t explained afterwards. Haley must have had questions, but in the entire ride to her apartment in the downtown core of the city, she hadn’t said anything. Not anything. Abbi wasn’t sure if she was glad, or even more nervous about it. In truth, she’d wanted someone to be with her when she finally severed the final link holding her to that part of her life. She didn’t even care about the stuff. She just didn’t want him having any lingering part of her.
That it was Haley who’d accompanied her... was an interesting choice, to say the least. Her other option was Seb, and she just didn’t think she could stomach explaining to him. Though she knew he would never judge her too harshly.
Haley was... liable to be a lot more judgmental. And yet here they were... Walking up 11 flights of stairs together because the elevator was out of service. Pretty bad news for when you’re trying to move out, but Abbi held her tongue the whole climb. Mostly because she was too out of breath to talk. Haley was equally silent, as she had been for almost the entire trip so far. It seemed almost like she was turning in on herself, disappearing somewhere Abbi couldn’t follow.
“Here we are,” Haley sighed, also out of breath, when they finally arrived at her door.
The door swung open to reveal a cramped, studio apartment that looked like a fabric bomb had gone off in. There was clothing strewn on every surface (though there weren’t many). Through the door you walked into the kitchen, which immediately gave way to the living room/bedroom. It was small, and though it was hard to tell underneath the heaps of clothing, Abbi thought it’s only asset was probably the large windows that occupied most of the far wall. It was not at all what she’d imagined.
“Fucking hell…” Haley panted, face paling, “I forgot how bad of a state I left it in.”
Abbi was too shocked and out of breath to say anything. She’d thought for sure that most of Haley’s clothing must already be in Pelican town, she’d barely seen her wear the same thing twice in months of being there.
Haley got them two glasses of water which they both drank in silence. With her lungs recovered, Abbi wasn’t sure what to do until she was given direction, so she waited. Haley paced about a little bit, not saying anything. She picked up a scarf and let it drift out of her hand a second later. Tried to pick something else up and the same thing happened.
“Haley?”
She looked over to her, eyes wide, panicked. “I just don’t even know where to start.” She said very softly, bringing a hand to her forehead. “Fuck, it’s overwhelming. What do we even do?”
“Uh... how about we start by folding up your clothing? We can make different piles based on what you want to do. Keep, donate, toss, storage? Or whatever you think.”
Haley nodded blankly, surveying the scene again, and made no move to do anything.
Realizing she was having decision paralysis induced by facing her own chaos, Abbi walked over to the bed, which held the largest disorganized pile, “start here?” She offered, and began folding the first things she touched, clearing a little space to stack stuff.
Haley nodded again, and this time she actually moved, copying Abbi and beginning to fold.
Once they got into the rhythm of it, she seemed to improve, though half the time she unfolded things to get a proper look at them and see if she wanted to keep them or not. It was very slow progress, but it was some.
When Abbi thought they were in a comfortable flow, Haley asked, without looking up from the shirt she was folding, “who was he to you?”
Abbi’s throat constricted. Okay, here we go. There was no sense pretending she didn’t know what she was referencing.
She swallowed, “um... my old boss.” Not a lie.
Haley nodded, still not looking at her, “huh.”
No single sound had ever communicated so much disbelief in all of Abbi’s life.
“What?” Abbi forced herself to say, though she knew what.
“Picking up a box of office supplies from your boss’s house, I guess? It’s interesting, is all.”
“It’s complicated.” Abbi replied, defensive.
“Like, wife and kids complicated?” Haley was raising an eyebrow at her now, defiant.
A tense silence ensued. What should she do? Deny? Clearly Haley was too perceptive to accept anything of the sort. The words caught in Abbi’s throat, along with a hefty amount of emotion. She couldn’t reply, she didn’t know how.
“I’ve worked with all kinds, Abbi. I’ve seen it all before.” Haley said it softly, nonjudgmental, and with a crease of sadness around her eyes, her lips, that almost broke Abbi down entirely.
She gulped it back. “It’s over now. It’s been over for a long time.” And this wasn’t a lie. It was over, and she was never going back.
“Good.” It was soft but definitive. Haley gave her a lingering look that she could feel more than meet. She felt her insides quivering, something threatening to give way.
Then Haley broke through whatever was in the air by exclaiming in dismay, “nobody on earth should own this many clothes!” She was scowling at the piles. More clothes than probably everyone in Pelican town combined.
Abbi bit her lip, thankful that the conversation had turned, and not exactly disagreeing with that statement.
In the greenhouse, Ry was seeding tomatoes so they’d be ready to transplant near the end of spring. Her hands were dirty from mixing potting soil. He decided not to pay attention to the fact that this was probably a good sign. Meant she thought they’d be around long enough to see the plants bear fruit.
“Okay,” he leaned against their table that would soon be filled with seedling trays, ready to sprout. “I’m ready to talk to you.”
She finished seeding the row she was working on and inserted a little popsicle sick with the name of the plant variety on it – sunrise bumblebee. She pulled out another packet of tomato seeds, this one called banana legs.
“Alright. You want to give this year a go?” Her voice was tired and heavy. He was annoyed.
“Do I want to give the employment I depend on a go?”
“Yeah. I think we should start from that.”
“Do you not?”
“Not wh-”
“Because I’ll buy it from you.” He interrupted her before she could derail this particular idea by saying she wanted to stay.
“What?” She turned to him incredulous, forgetting the seeds.
He shrugged, “Alex will back me. Financially.”
That hung in the air between them. He hadn’t actually planned on saying this to Ry. Him and Alex had talked at length about what they should do, and Shane was 100% certain he didn’t want to give up the farm. Alex had started coming up with ideas about how they could save the farm, and this had been one of them. A far flung idea, a back up, a contingency plan for if Ry wanted to quit. He didn’t want Ry gone, but he was still in the motions of being pissed, so he’d said it, and now it was between them.
It was a power play, and he could see it taking effect on Ry, her expression going from incredulous, to disbelief, to hurt.
He probably shouldn’t have said that.
“You want to buy me out?”
He shrugged, “only if you want.”
“If I want?” She carelessly flung the packet of seeds back in the box they’d been meticulously organized in. “I don’t even know what to say to that.” Her voice cracked a little. She was looking down, her face obscured by curls she would normally have kept cut back, hiding her expression from him.
They stood in silence, and it felt nowhere near their normal comfortable working silence. This was the silence of so many things needing to be said at once, you couldn’t begin to say any of them without risking vomit. Verbal or otherwise.
He’d hurt her fucking bad.
He should probably take it back.
Instead they just stood there, basking in it.
Eventually she sighed, shaking her head and crossing her arms, she turned her body so she was just turned away enough to not have to see him.
“I fucked up pretty bad, huh?”
He gritted his teeth. “It’s done. Let’s just fix it now. Lewis will probably fund us, if we go to him. At least in some capacity. Alex said Robin and Demetrius probably would too. Like a community loan type thing, they offered something like that before he started up his own business. Marnie would back it, her margins are pretty thin but she knows how to run a tight ship. We could probably threaten Pierre into giving us an advance if we occupy his storefront. Clint, Willy, Gus... I don’t know, I feel like they’d invest too. This farm means a lot to this town, I don’t think anyone will let us go down if they can help it.”
Ry had turned back around to face him, and was now pinching the bridge of her nose with her eyes closed. She took a deep breath, “fucking hell.”
“Don’t pass out on me.”
“Ha.” pause, “You really thought about this.”
“No shit, what did you think I would do?” He winced at his tone, how it accidentally betrayed his hurt at her not telling him earlier.
“I didn’t want you to worry about it. This ongoing mess with Finn... and I’m just so embarrassed, I guess.”
“For needing help?”
“I know. I know! It’s against everything I say. I slipped up, I feel like I’m running backwards and I can’t see shit.”
“It’s pretty fucking bad that I’m willing to ask for help before you.” He said, rather unhelpfully.
“Well, obviously I should have asked you from the beginning.”
He crossed his arms, “yeah, you fucking should have.”
She let out a deep breath and looked to the ground, shaking her head at herself.
“But to be fair,” he continued, “I wouldn’t have wanted to know. From the beginning beginning. Like yeah, you should have told me a few months ago, or an entire year, but if you’d told me right away I would never have taken a bet on this place.”
She nodded, exhaling.
“You really think they’ll step up to bat for us?”
He shrugged, “you really think they won’t? You know I would never choose to rely on the goodwill of my neighbours if it can be helped, but I actually think this is the easiest way. Or... Alex made me see, if I’m being honest. You probably should have just told him.”
“Small business aficionado boyfriend, hm?”
Shane shrugged again.
“Here I was, trying to hold this place together with, like, magic.”
Shane wasn’t really up on all of Ry’s dealings with the mystical realm, but from his own experiences with the wizard he knew better than dismiss that statement as metaphorical.
“I don’t know shit about that but seems unstable.”
She snorted, “you’re right. And you’re right, we should go to Lewis. Whenever I was thinking about something about that on my own I just got so fucking embarrassed I started making excuses as to why it would never work.”
“Alex comes in helpful for that.”
“We can’t all rely on him the same way you can.” She huffed.
“You could try Haley.”
Her face cracked in a wry smile.
“Seems like it’s hitting her pretty hard, whatever happened between you.” Alex had filled him in on Haley’s side, what she’d admitted to him at least. And Shane wondered how it was affecting Ry, if it had anything to do with her unusual aloofness.
Ry shook her head, “maybe she thinks it is, but she’s got way bigger shit than me bringing her down. You been hanging out with her?”
He shrugged, “she’s Alex’s bestie.”
“You’re willingly asking for help, you’re saying the word bestie... you’ve changed, bro.”
“Hate to admit it, but I think it’s for the better. What’s our crop plan this year?”
“Why the hell do I have this?” Haley held up a piece of clothing that Abbi couldn’t even identify in terms of where it was supposed to be worn. They’d been at the organizing for several hours at this point.
Abbi shook her head, “you’d have to ask your past self.”
“I don’t think I like talking to her much.” Haley admitted, before pulling a black overbust corset out of a pile, she dangled it before her by the strap. “You should try this on.”
“What?” Abbi said, incredulous. Not only was it basically lingerie, it was also Haley’s .
“Yeah, come on.” She insisted, tossing it towards her.
Feeling she didn’t really have another option under Haley’s insistence, Abbi took her hoodie off. She hesitated before pulling her shirt off too. Could she just do that right in front of Haley? Especially when she was standing this close? In the seconds it took her to make a decision, Haley reached her hand out and fiddled with the unfinished hem of Abbi’s patchwork shirt of purple, grey and black.
“Did you sew this?” She asks, and Abbi feels suddenly nervous. Like being back in high school and someone was about to passive aggressively make fun of her outfit.
“No.” She admits, without breathing.
“Hm, it suits you.” She says quietly before returning to sorting through her pile. Abbi turns her back to her, not sure what she’s feeling – relief? flattered? - and takes it off, pulling on the newly offered article.
“It’s kind of tight.” She admits, turning around and fidgeting to get it in place.
Haley smirks, “that’s kind of the point.”
“I don’t know-”
Before she can finish Haley pulls her in front of the full length mirror. The contact is utterly surprising.
“Look at yourself. You look hot.” Haley brushes Abbi’s hair behind her shoulder, further exposing her chest that was nearly spilling out of the low cut of the top. “I’m not saying you need to wear it out or anything, but come on, you’ve got to be able to appreciate this view, just for fun.” Haley squeezes her arms.
Abbi had worn a lot of lingerie and fetish wear in her time, but it was always hidden under a lot of other layers. An unsuspecting surprise for whatever older man was going to unwrap her.
She felt incredibly bare in front of Haley like this.
“Look, a matching mini skirt.” Haley pulls out of seemingly thin air, holding it in front of Abbi and wiggling it suggestively. And then just as quickly tossing it to the side, “you know what, the shorts work, actually. I have this bolero, it’s black mesh. Ah here, yes, try this.” She yanks it out of another pile of what Abbi thought were scarves, and pulls it over her head.
She takes a step back, hands on hips, toe tapping, examining her design. Abbi is entirely still.
“It’s really good, but I think you need different shoes. What size are you?”
“9.”
“Hmm, bigger than me. Too bad. Well, just imagine something delicate and sexy.”
Haley continued on like this for a while, swapping out items and sometimes reintroducing them a moment later.
“Why do I even have so many black clothes? It’s not my colour at all, but it suits you so well. Oooh, the makeup you could do with this! Something edgy and loud, you’d really pull it off.”
Abbi felt breathless. Like she couldn’t keep up this whirlwind, and didn’t know what to say.
But Haley was laughing and smiling, and seemed to be genuinely enjoying herself, and something about that made Abbi never want her to stop.
“Okay, one last item.” Haley says, after multiple full outfit swaps. From her wardrobe, folded unlike most of what they’d been dealing with, she pulls out a 100% cashmere cardigan in purple. “I love this, but it’s too dark for me.”
Abbi started to put it on top of the shirt she was wearing but Haley scolded her. “No, no, wear it like it’s a shirt, it’s too tight to go over top.”
Abbi obliged, but Haley didn’t agree with how many buttons she’d done up. She undid some of them for her, but not so many it made Abbi feel uncomfortably exposed.
Before she pulled away, her fingers lingered over the amethyst necklace, gifted her by Emily for winter star. Her gaze went from it, up to Abbi’s eyes. She backed away, cocking her head to the side and holding her hand to her forehead, an unreadable expression on her face.
Abbi felt her nerves rising again, but she wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like it was her sweater. It didn’t mean anything if Haley hated something she herself had chosen.
“You should keep it.” She said softly, before turning away and folding up one of their discards.
Abbi looked at herself in the mirror. She didn’t look too much different than her usual self, although it was perhaps a bit tighter than something she would choose.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.” She said, without making eye contact. “I’m getting kind of starving, do you mind if I go pick us up some dinner?” She was pulling on a trench coat and slipping back into her boots before Abbi even responded.
“Yeah sure.”
“Cool, I’ll be back soon.”
And then Abbi was alone amongst Haley’s things, the smell of her lingering in the air. She felt suddenly too hot, and almost like she couldn’t breathe.
She opened the door to the balcony to let some air in and pulled off the cardigan, carefully. She folded it and placed it in a visible location, to give Haley the opportunity to back out of giving it to her.
She thought about smoking the last cigarette she had rattling around in the carton. She’d been trying to cut back since the fall, and it had, miraculously, been working. Seb had been a big support, having already gone through the process. Now, though, it was incredibly tempting. Bring her head back down to earth with a nicotine rush. She tapped the carton in her hand, considering. Considering. No. She’d save it for when they got back to the valley. A reward for a successful trip. The tremor in her hand might be from something else.
Needing a distraction, she began to clean up the mess they’d made on top of the existing mess. Organizing the clothing into the system they’d defined beforehand.
By the time Haley got back, about 40 minutes later, she’d made more progress than the two of them combined had done in a few hours.
“You did so much! I didn’t mean for you to do all this work while I was gone!”
Abbi shrugged, “I don’t mind.”
“Did you go on the balcony? It’s so stupid, isn’t it?”
“I only opened the door for some air.”
“We can eat out there, but there’s barely any room.”
And she was right. It was the width of the two small chairs that were on it, and just enough length to fit them, plus two milk crates stacked into a makeshift table. Not at all Haley’s usual curated chic vibe.
“It literally gets one hour of sun.” Haley pouted. Abbi was surprised it got any sun, as it was facing an alleyway, with only about a car’s width of length before the next building began. There was a dead plant in one lone flower pot.
“Spicy seafood noodles for you.” Haley handed her a container, a delicious aroma already reaching Abbi’s nose.
“Smells so good.”
“I thought you’d like this place. Also, I think I’ve got a bottle of wine around her somewhere…” She disappeared inside and Abbi sat still, holding her hot container of food and waiting for Haley to return. It felt surreal. To be here, now, with Haley, this whole day, everything that had happened. The chilly night prickled her skin.
Haley came back carrying a bottle of red, wine glasses and Abbi’s hoodie thrown over her shoulder. “Care to pour for us?” She asked, tossing Abbi her hoodie and disappearing again, reappearing with her own sweater.
“Okay, cheers to you for helping me with this disaster.”
She seemed a little flushed, and more energetic than Abbi had seen her in a long time.
“Cheers to you for making big life decisions.” She added as they clinked glasses.
“Had to happen I guess.” Haley shrugged it off, though Abbi knew there was a torrent of emotion under the surface somewhere. She was happy it wasn’t overwhelming her as much as it had been, though. Haley added another “cheers to you for getting rid of that asshole.”
Abbi chuckled, though she was forcing it a little.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up again.”
“It’s okay,” Abbi mumbled before taking a huge bite of her noodles, “damn this is good.” She says, only realizing she’s talking with her mouth full when it’s too late to stop.
Haley smiles at her. “Yeah, it’s one of the things I’ll miss here,” she says, somberly. Silence descended between them as the enjoyed their dinner and wine.
It wasn’t uncomfortable, and yet an uneasiness was prickling at Abbi, and she didn’t think it had anything to do with the oncoming night’s coolness. It was at herself, at what was on the tip of her tongue and how she didn’t understand why it was there.
“um...” She began, and then started giggling. She couldn’t believe she was doing this, and the discomfort was making her laugh.
“Yeah?” Haley was looking at her quizzically.
“um...” She began again, moving into a full blown laugh. She tried to breathe her way through it.
“What is it?” Haley was grinning now, perplexed, and certainly not realizing where she was about to go.
“Sorry, sorry,” Abbi took a big gulp of wine, forcing herself to calm down. She could just back out. She couldn’t look at Haley when she began. “It’s been over for a long time. Like, well before I moved to the valley, right? I’m like, over it.”
Haley’s face went from confused to solemn understanding. She didn’t say anything, sitting rigid and waiting for her to go on.
“I continued working there, after, for awhile. Like, cool girl doesn’t give a shit, make it work, right?” Damn, she was stumbling over this, and she couldn’t say why, but for some reason, in that moment, it was so important to her that Haley know it was deep in the past, that there were no remaining strings between her and him. “but yeah... bad idea.” She laughs, taking another gulp of wine.
“Hey,” Haley reaches out across the makeshift table and places a hand on Abbi’s knee. “It’s okay. He’s the douche, not you.”
“Ha.” Abbi still can’t look at her. “Thanks, but I don’t know if I deserve that. Wife, like you said. No kids at least.”
“He made you go to his house.” Haley said darkly, jumping to the correct assumption that he had refused to leave her belongings in neutral territory.
“She’s gone a lot. Work, her own thing, I don’t know, it’s toxic.” Abbi tried to smile, for whatever reason.
“He was your fucking boss, Abbi. And he’s, what, almost twice your age? If you think this is your fault... I’ve seen too many men tell young girls-” She stops herself, clearly upset.
Abbi has to see her now, and when she gazes back Haley was looking into the bleak alleyway, her eyebrows knit in a complicated fury, her fist clenched. She takes a deep breath in. “I don’t want to hear another girl protect a man who only ever did her harm.” She looks back at Abbi, holding her gaze.
“I’m not protecting him. And it’s not like I’m a minor.” This time, with this guy. “It’s not like I... wasn’t doing this for my own reasons.”
“Of course you were.” Haley leaned in again and grasps Abbi’s shoulder, a surprising tenderness in her voice, “but he’s taking advantage of your reasons.”
Abbi couldn’t disagree, though her impulse to defend her own awfulness was still present. Haley’s touch was sinking into her skin, and it was warm and comforting and she wanted more of it, and this scared her. Even still, she felt her hand reaching to touch, to lay over top of the hand on her shoulder. Touch on touch. Fingers on fingers. Skin on skin on skin.
Haley’s other hand brushed a strand of Abbi’s hair behind her ear.
In no way had she anticipated this reaction from Haley. She’d thought she’d be quiet, and at best it would be awkward and weird. Instead she was angry on Abbi’s behalf, and she wasn’t blaming her, and she was meeting her with a maturity and tenderness Abbi had not thought possible between them.
“This is hard to talk about, huh?” Haley smiled sadly, giving her shoulder another squeeze before sitting back up.
Abbi bit her lip, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so dark. I’m supposed to be helping you.”
“Don’t apologize, Abbi.” Haley said, seriously, sharply. “I never want to hear you apologize for that.”
Something in Haley’s tone sent a spark down Abbi’s spine landing deep in her belly.
“Okay.” She swallowed, “um, I don’t know if I can promise that.” Trying to recede whatever that was into joking territory.
“Well, you better at least try.” Haley lifted the wine bottle but then suddenly stopped, “should we be getting back? It’s getting pretty late for you to drive.”
The hovering wine bottle. The hovering promise of whatever this night was.
“I mean...” Abbi started, grinning in her hesitation. What did it mean? Spend the night here?
“It’s not like we don’t have a place to crash.” Haley was smirking at her impishly, the wine bottle still unpoured.
Abbi leaned in and tipped the end of the bottle upwards, letting the contents flow into her glass, before standing up. “I’ll call and tell them we’ll be back tomorrow.”
Before she slipped inside to call she heard Haley say quietly “okay,” and could swear she was smiling.
That night, as Abbi lay in Haley’s bed in borrowed pyjamas – only inches apart from each other – she was too exhilarated to fall asleep right away. Nothing particularly interesting had happened since her opening up at dinner, but it had felt natural and pleasant. Haley was laughing more easily, like something very heavy was beginning to lift from her. It felt to Abbi as if something precious, delicate and terrifying was forming between them. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping desperately she wouldn’t fuck it up.
Ry’s values were directness and honesty, and yet when it when it came down to it, she had been planning this roundabout way of saving the farm that involved leveraging her having fixed the community centre in cryptic exchange for help with her debt. It was ludicrous. She’d genuinely fantasized about showing Lewis, and him being so glad he’d just hand her a fat wad of cash without her even mentioning her financial strain.
In the end, she didn’t have to entirely abandon her plan, but Shane convinced her to be considerably more reasonable about it.
When she’d shown him the community centre he was surprised, but not entirely so. His eyes narrowed at her, “so this is what the wizard’s had you up to? Just... repairs?”
She shrugged, “I guess, yeah.”
He shook his head, “damn, that’s disappointing. So many people here could have helped with this.”
“It was kind of a hobby. I liked doing it.” She was being defensive. A lot of it she’d actually hated, but she didn’t really feel like getting into how most of it was magic, and not her secret carpentry skills.
Lewis had nearly jumped out of his shoes when they’d shown him. “I guess I really knew what I was doing when I gave you the keys to this place, Ry.”
They had courteously showed him to his new office, Shane even making an effort with small talk, before sitting him down at his brand new desk and... telling him everything. The whole sordid deal with Finn’s debt.
Lewis had been uncharacteristically quiet throughout, though by the end Ry wondered if that’s how he naturally was if you were being frank with him. He listened to everything they said, asked questions, and made sure he understood the full scope of the problem. “Well, it’s simply impossible that you lose this farm, Ry. And Shane. Both of you have made an incredible impact on this community and it would be our loss if you were forced to give up your hard work. As I understand it, you both want to continue farming, and I fully support your endeavours. I cannot provide a concrete promise at the moment, but I do believe it is within the realm of possibility to set up some sort of community agriculture fund. I’ve shown the governor enough good times throughout the years that he certainly owes me a favour at this point... Now seems a good time to cash in.” If it weren’t for the delighted gleam in his eye, Ry might have protested at him using his favour on her behalf.
In celebration of their tentative success at keeping the farm, Alex made both of them dinner.
In knowing how much Alex had been involved in helping Shane develop a reasonable action plan, Ry said “I feel like I owe you dinner, Alex.
“Yeah, you do.” Shane agreed.
Alex shrugged, “I dunno. I kinda feel like we all owe each other.”
Shane shook his head at Alex’s sappiness, but he was clearly pleased. Ry was pleased for both of them. There was a lot to be thankful for. Still, she felt a pang of loneliness. Unbidden, her thoughts turned to Maru. Where was she? How was she doing? Would she ever come back?
The hug they’d shared in the rain, the morning of Maru’s departure, still pulsed through Ry’s body. A reminder of things that never were. She couldn’t help but partially feel it was a mistake to have set out that morning. But after her talk with Shane, she had been feeling more hopeful... hopeful for what? She didn’t want Maru to stay, she wanted her to embrace what she had been unable to for so long. And that meant leaving, to where Ry could never follow.
It was a stupid crush. She was taking it too seriously.
After she left Alex and Shane to their sweet domesticity, she did not feel like immediately heading back to the farm. She decided to see if Leah was in the saloon.
She wasn’t, but Emily greeted her cheerfully.
“How have the first few weeks of spring been treating you?”
“Honestly good. It’s nice things are growing again.”
“Isn’t it just! What can I get for you?”
“I was just checking to see if Leah was in.”
“No, not tonight.” Emily reached across the bar and ruffled her hair, “someone needs a haircut.”
“I know, I know.” Ry smiled, she’d put it off all winter, in being too overwhelmed to address the finer details of her life.
“It’s Monday, we’re closing earlier tonight.” Emily’s eye gleamed.
“You offering?”
“Of course!”
“I don’t know...” Ry felt sheepish. Emily had cut her hair plenty of times in the past, but she didn’t feel she had the right to intrude on Haley’s space anymore. Not with how things had been between them recently.
Emily seemed to read her mind, “Haley’s in the city. She left yesterday and said she was spending the night. I haven’t heard back since, so... I think there’s nobody around to be annoyed at your hair on the floor.”
“You sure?”
“Of course!” Emily beamed.
Ry spent the last hour before close sharing a beer with Willy and Clint, who she had been neglecting recently. They told her the same old stories they always did, and she enjoyed them just as much as she always did.
She wondered at Emily’s life. Girlfriend in the desert. Family mostly gone. Typically working insane hours at the bar. Her and Shane had been close, but now that he was sober... Ry had never heard him say it, but she knew it was hard for him to be around certain people from his past, and Emily and Gus were close to the top of that list. They reminded him too much of his past behaviour.
Ry could understand it. And so could Emily, but it obviously made her a little sad, despite how happy she was he was doing better.
Was it better for her? And was it better having Haley back?
“So, what are we doing today?” Emily asked, running her hands through Ry’s tangles. She’d sat her down in the kitchen, their usual set up.
“Just off the neck and out of my face.”
“Summer classic, okay!”
Emily worked quickly, her talent with scissors was a well known fact in town.
“Hm, I like it.” She admired her work, holding up the mirror. It was a stylish mop of curls, probably too stylish for Ry’s needs, but she grinned none the less. “Thanks, Em.”
Then,
the door clicked open.
Haley and Abbi, mid conversation, laughing. Halfway to her room, Haley paused, face falling as her gaze hit Ry. Abbi looked between Ry and Haley. Ry grimaced.
Emily tried to smooth it over.
“Haley! I didn’t know you were coming back tonight.”
“I didn’t say otherwise,” she mumbled, before disappearing in her room. Abbi cast Ry and Emily a sympathetic look before following after Haley.
Ry stood, “I’m sorry, Em. Didn’t mean to put you in a bad spot.”
“It can be hard to avoid with her sometimes. She’ll be okay.” Emily said, in a much more chipper voice than Ry would have been able to manage.
“Do you think she’d be open to talk to me?”
Emily paused, thinking before replying, “worth a try, I suppose!”
When Ry peaks through the doorway Haley’s sitting on the bed, speaking in hushed tones to Abbi. They notice Ry at the same time.
“I’ll go get the rest of the stuff from the car,” Abbi excuses herself, despite Haley’s glare.
“Hey...”
“Hi.” Haley stands up, crossing her arms and walking to look out the window.
“We didn’t think you’d be back so soon. I didn’t mean to ambush you.”
“well, you did, so.”
“Haley.”
Haley stiffens, not replying.
“I don’t feel good about how things... have gone between us. I haven’t been at my best, and you got caught in it. And I’m really sorry for that.”
Haley turns her head, almost looking over her shoulder. Almost looking at Ry.
“You’re sorry?” She says very quietly.
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not saying everything’s my fault, but... yeah, I’m sorry.”
Haley fully turns, leaning against her windowsill. The pose accentuates her long limbs. Her grace. She looks at Ry with amused, seductive satisfaction. Ry can already feel the breath hitching in her lungs, but she ignores it. Really not the time.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Ry says, the words coming out before she can stop them.
“You’re the one who came here.” Haley says, not dropping her gaze.
There is heavy moment in which the air congests around them and it feels like anything might happen. Like she could walk across the room and slip her hand between Haley’s legs, make her gasp, and have everything go back to the exact fucked way it had been since the beginning of winter.
Ry breaks first, unwilling to let it happen. She casts her eyes down, “holy fuck, Haley.”
“I’m kidding, I’m over it. I’m over you.”
“Oh?”
“Mhm.”
“So you’re not going to keep avoiding me then?”
“I haven’t been avoiding you.” A total lie, if Ry’s ever heard one.
“Okay. Sure. I’ve been avoiding you, I guess.” Which was not untrue.
Haley smiled at her, a genuine one this time. “I’m sorry too.”
Ry bites her lip, nodding. She hadn’t expected this, though she’d hoped for it. Something had shifted in Haley. Even if Ry knew it was probably more Leah who needed an apology than she did, she wasn’t going to push in this moment.
Ry nodded, “Thanks. For talking to me. I’ll let you get back to your unpacking.”
“If Abbi’s still there...”
“I’ll send her in.”
“Thanks, Ry.” Haley says softly, sealing their conversation with the promise that things were at least soft of fine between them. Things were settling.
Maru sunk her toes into the sand to get to the cooler part. At the height of the day, it would get so hot it would burn you. It was evening now, the sun sinking behind the shadow of the volcano. The beach was best at this time. When the sky was fading to purple and deep blue.
Her fellow scientists preferred the hike up the volcano, to see the dazzling sunset and the burst of stars that followed. Maru liked it here. It was a good setting to think about useless things.
She flipped the postcard in her hand, wondering for the millionth time if she was actually going to send it. It wouldn’t really matter, would it? She was still here for months, it would be forgotten by the time she was back, if she ever was.