Chapter 23
Ry cursed herself all the way home through the heavy snow, cold nipping at her but she would have asked it to bite harder if she could. Things were not going well. She was stressed to the point of thinking her hair might start falling out and in her stress she found her decision making ability was seriously inhibited, only causing her more stress. Not acting herself.
She had no right to be fucking around with Maru. Maru was younger than her. Too young? Only by a couple of years and by far smarter. Before recently she might have said but not wiser. Ry had gotten burned for her lessons. Not to mention the burning she’d done to others. When Maru had returned from the city it seemed to Ry like she was losing her footing beneath herself, tangled up and disoriented by faulty expectations and needing a soft spot to land. As was only natural, as Ry understood well.
She could still remember that kid who’d showed up to her farm in early days, enthusiastically offering her mechanical prowess. How remarkable she’d been. Bright eyed and so excited to get to school in the city, her whole future ahead and it was a shinning one. Ry had been almost jealous. What it would be like to have such clear passion from such young an age and to be fully supported to barrel yourself towards it. A stark contrast to a then Ry, who was in the midst of untangling her own lessons and putting herself back together again, amping up for hard work and solitude.
When everyone had been saying how well Maru looked when she’d first come back to them last summer, Ry had felt hesitant to interpret that as meaning she was well. Looking well didn’t always mean much. Prime example being one Haley.
Ry should have known better.
In fact, she did know better. She knew a lot better.
There was a part of her that couldn’t help but to take what was beautiful and offered. Even when she didn’t really want it. Even when there were other things she did want. She had thought that she had mastered this part of herself, learned her boundaries and been okay with walking away from the sizzle of tension in a poison flame. But certain things had transpired these last long months and she could feel herself stumbling backwards.
A cold wind sent spikes of ice through her, temporarily lifting her from her thoughts. Reaching the farm she trudged as quickly through the snow as she could, using her boot to shovel it off the side of the steps to her cabin. Once inside, the door slammed behind her and she fell back against it, more exhausted by the frigid walk than she’d realized. It was dark inside, and cold, with her wood stove having burnt out hours before. As she leaned against the door, breathing heavily, an autumn gust came towards her; the memory of Maru standing where she was now, flushed and asking her about her stitches, then letting the whole rancid story of her experiences at school rush out.
Ry had seen the emerging desire in Maru the past few months and had felt content not to push it. Ry could stay steady while Maru found her footing. That was not the same Maru she had encountered tonight. She could see that Maru was passing through the other side of something, while Ry was falling backwards. Would they meet in the middle? She thought this bitterly. Took a deep breath and pushed herself up from the door.
She loaded up the wood stove and quickly got the hottest fire it could muster going before leaning back in her armchair, waiting to warm up. She lit a joint, sitting in the dim glow of her fire. An old vice she’d dusted off in her grappling for self regulation. It was better than chasing highs with Haley, though she knows from past experience that if she indulges too much her anxiety would start having unpredictable spikes. It was okay for now.
Haley opened the door, bleary eyed, to bright winter sunlight and the mayor.
“Yes?” She would have ignored it, but the knock had been too persistent. Emily would have gotten her off the hook, but she was visiting Sandy.
“Haley dear, will you stick around for the feast of the winter star? I’m wondering if I should put your name in for the gift exchange.”
“Oh… yeah, I guess.” Instant regret pooled in her stomach. Finding a gift for one of her neighbours? That was not a task she was up for.
“Great, that brings us to even numbers. You’ll find out who you have tomorrow.” Lewis beamed before quickly rushing off to his mayoral duties, or perhaps out of fear she would change her mind if he gave her the time.
She shut the cold and the sunlight out again and went back to her bed.
What could have been minutes or hours later, the knock returned. Just as persistent as before. Back again? Maybe they don’t need me.
She lugged the heaviness of her body to the door, wrapping her bathrobe tight around her. She still hadn’t gotten dressed, even though it was probably well into the afternoon. She hadn’t eaten, washed her face, brushed her hair, anything.
She was so surprised to see Abbi standing there that she forgot to speak.
“You look rough.” Abbi finally says, after several moments of them just staring at each other.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s after 4, you’re still in your pyjamas.”
“I’m not feeling well.” Haley says defensively, pulling her robe tighter around her.
Abbi raises an eyebrow at her.
Haley rolls her eyes, “like physically, I’m sick.” She did feel physically bad. It was true. What did it matter if it was psycho-somatic?
“Can I come in?”
There was something in her tone or her posture that told Haley she wasn’t allowed to refuse. Or that was the only justification Haley could find as to why she did actually let her in. Abbi kicks her boots off and throws her coat on a hook.
“Somewhere we can sit?” She asks, when Haley doesn’t make a motion to let her in beyond the doorway.
Haley frowns and walks to the couch, slumping herself down. She doesn’t look at Abbi as she follows suit, sitting herself down more gently. She can feel the eyes on her.
“Look dude, I was there.” Abbi says after a moment, as if it explained anything. Haley stiffened, because underneath, she knew that it did.
Haley picked at lint on the couch. She really should help Emily clean more.
Abbi persisted “you still haven’t gone to Harvey, have you?”
“So you came here for a copy of my medical records?”
“No.”
“What then?”
“I don’t – um...” She starts and stops a few more times, clearly ruminating on how to proceed delicately.
“What?” Haley repeats, her voice, still somewhat groggy from lack of use, breaks as it reaches shrill.
“I overheard what happened between you and Ry at the Night Market.”
Haley glares at the wall opposite her, pouring in to it all the fury contained within her.
Abbi goes on, “and I was standing right there the rest of the night, when...”
“When what?” Haley’s voice is deep and furious now.
“When you were radiating like... malice. It was fucking intense.”
“It’s not about you.”
“I know it’s not about me.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I’ve been where you have.”
“I doubt that.” Haley’s still looking at the wall but she can feel the look Abbi is giving her. It makes her edgy. “I don’t think you know anything about where I’ve been, Abigail. Our lives are nothing alike. You have no idea what kind of pressure I’m under.”
“I guess I don’t. But I know what it feels like to be a person who’s out of control of their emotions. I know what it feels like to think you can’t do anything about it. Your head was too far up your own ass in high school to notice, but you weren’t the only one who was a messy bitch back then. And I didn’t get better, for awhile. Some of it was out of my control. We were just kids, anyway.” Abbi lets out a big sigh, maybe without even realizing, and looks down in her lap. Lost in some prior life hell experience Haley knew nothing about. “Anyway... if you actually let someone get real with you for a second, you might realize what you’re experiencing isn’t as unique as you think.”
Haley had accidentally looked away from her spot on the wall after Abbi’s sigh had tricked her, and now they were making an eye contact that paralyzed her. Abbi’s gaze was as her last statement, direct, confrontational, exposing Haley’s insides bare. Her mind scrambled. What Abbi had just said was fucked, right? She was accusing her, when she was already in a pit – who does that? She wanted to wind in and cocoon what Abbi had drawn out. Protect it with rage. Desperately deny.
But her viciousness was out of reach, the only power she found was to break the eye contact and return her eyes to her spot on the wall.
Abbi’s hand gently rested on her shoulder and she couldn’t even flinch from it. The unexpected contact, the unexpected tenderness, radiated through her body in a way that she wanted to lean in to – and that desire made her want to jerk away. It was risky, dangerous. But what if she did it?
What was Haley supposed to do now? Say thank you? Apologize? Yell at her? There’s a fucked up part of Haley that just wants to lean in and kiss her. That was her usual course of action. Sexual intimacy to repel the emotional. She could feel angry tears forming behind her eyes.
At least it wasn’t a panic attack.
“What are you doing here, Abbi?” Her voice was so weak and defeated sounding she could feel it triggering the tears forward even more. Where had she gone? Where was the Haley who was always composed, always had a retort, always knew how to look, how to act? Long gone. Years gone. Maybe she’d never existed.
Abbi didn’t answer with words. She sat up straighter and reached for the hairbrush that had been left on the coffee table in front of them. There were blue hairs tangled in it, Emily having accidentally left it when she packed up for her weekend in the desert. Abbi, picking it up, said, “just checking in.” She held the brush up towards Haley to demonstrate her intention.
When Haley didn’t deny her, she began to slowly brush the tangles from her hair.
The evening prior, she hesitated to offer her dad a return to the submarine. To catalogue what she’d missed. He’d been disappointed with her lie by omission that she hadn’t seen anything down in the depths. But something had been down there. Something intense and uncertain. So she hesitated to offer to go back again tonight, on the last night of the market, because she wasn’t sure if she could stomach revisiting those particular sensations.
She was certain Ry wouldn’t be there again, but even still, there was a part of her that thought she might be. That the two of them were petrified down there, preserved in the humidity of both submarine and conversation. Partly this made her hesitate, and partly she wanted to jump at the chance to relive it.
She did end up going back.
Dutifully documenting every species she could name and attempting to describe the ones she couldn’t. It wasn’t that long of a list. She’d need a microscope for that. Ry wasn’t there. Only her and the captain, descending in the depths.
When she emerged from the sub the cold air hit her like a burst of glass. Most of her wanted to run back home and dive under the warmth of her blankets, but in this weather, the walk there felt so long that it would make more sense to discover some glimmer of warmth at the market. Once again, she accepted a cup of coffee and held the warmth of it up to her face. It wasn’t as effective as she would have liked, but at least it kept her fingers from freezing.
She wound her way through the docs, smiling at the tourists and the other villagers while enjoying her solitary walk. She looked over the offerings of the vendors, but nothing really called to her. She preferred to keep moving. Until she got to the end of the maze of boats and rickety planks and heard that soft, hypnotizing and familiar music.
Memories of her and Penny sneaking into the mermaid show when they were kids came back to her. The introduction to something tantalizing, voyeuristic, bordering erotic. An early awakening to the pull of attraction. She found herself ducking into the show almost without thinking. When she took her seat she was the only one there.
The show was the same as it had been all those years ago. Some tricks of the light, heavily perfumed air, the sounds of the ocean calling, and the mesmerizing siren song. Before she thought the combo of all these things put the viewer in some sort of suggestible trance. She was still convinced of that but after everything she’d seen in the woods, in Abbi, in Ry’s eyes, she wasn’t sure how much of an illusion this performance actually was. What did it mean? Were these really mermaids? If they were, why would they do this?
She sat in a mystified silence much like she had when she’d first sneaked in here with Penny, all those years ago. The singing pulled her in until she wasn’t sure what she seeing or hearing. Time and space began to lose their meaning as the performance embraced her, pouring its strange hypnosis through her. It was not the erotic force it had seemed to her back in the day when she’d never had an erotic experience of her own. Whatever was being evoked here was much deeper than a simple attraction, but not less inviting, tantalizing, stirring.
Somehow a mermaid was swimming towards her through the air, her green blue hair sprawling out around her, as she held forth her hand. Towards Maru, reaching.
The pearl deposited in her hand was a gentle shimmering mauve. As Maru rolled it between her fingers, the music dwindling and the house lights returning to normal, a single thought burst forth in her mind; she had to get out of here.
Abbi was still over when another knock on the door came.
Haley groaned, “yoba, why is it today that half the town wants to see me?”
“I can answer it.” Abbi offers. She’s lazily lounging back on Haley’s couch, looking more comfortable than Haley could understand. After the hair brushing, Abbi had flicked on the TV and now they were watching a documentary about northern fishermen. The whole situation was deeply bizarre and unsettling, and for some reason Haley let it happen. Stranger still, somehow she ended up getting wrapped up in the plot of whatever it was she was watching.
The knock startled Haley out of the story and brought her right back to the oddness of the situation. What was Abbi still doing here? What was Haley doing watching a documentary about the environment and labour?
Haley was too overwhelmed and exhausted to deal with any of it, so she reaches for the remote to turn the volume up.
“The lights are on--” Abbi begins to say before being interrupted by the voice through the door.
“Haley, you there?” It was unmistakably Alex.
Her stomach drops. It’s not that she’d been ignoring him, per say... it’s just that she’d forgotten to reply to his texts...
Abbi’s expectant look breaks Haley out of her freeze.
“Okay, ahhh...” She stands up and ties her bathrobe tighter around herself. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t leave Alex hanging like that. Not when he was here in person.
She went to answer the door, still looking completely dishevelled except for her hair.
“Hey,” she says, somewhat awkwardly, as she opens the door. She tries to stand in such a way as to block Abbi from being seen.
“Hales, what’s up? You haven’t been answering, I thought I’d just check in if you needed anything.”
He knows she’s always on her phone. He knows she wasn’t answering on purpose. He can also see that she’s still not dressed and has no makeup on.
“Oh, I’m okay, thanks.” She says meekly.
Alex could tell she was lying to him. Or not really lying, but not really telling the truth. She could tell he could tell just by the look on his face, his pause before saying anything else. Back in the day he would have shoved himself in the house and demanded to know what was up.
But they weren’t back in the day. They didn’t have that kind of relationship anymore.
So instead he stalls while they both figure out how they’re supposed to react to one another, “what are you watching?” He nods into the house, hearing the TV still on. She shouldn’t have raised the volume.
“Oh, nothing. Just something stupid.”
“Doesn’t sound like your usual reality TV.”
“Oh, it kind of is...” It was a stretch and she knew it.
“Can I watch it with you?”
He was being way to persistent.
“I don’t know if you’ll like it...” But he’s already shoving his way past her. Apparently he didn’t think their relationship had changed as much as she did.
He stops short after making it through the doorway, “Abbi- Hey.”
Abbi was still lounging back on the couch, like she was perfectly comfortable being in Haley’s house and watched TV here all the time. She nodded at Alex, “what’s up?”
“Not much,” he turns back to Haley, “sorry, I didn’t realize you had company.”
“I don’t.” Haley says, stupidly. Abbi raises an eyebrow at her. “I mean, I do, it’s just... we’re just sitting here.”
She feels as dumb as she sounds.
“Want to watch a movie with us?” Abbi offers, as if that’s something she gets to do in Haley’s house.
“Sure, why don’t I grab dinner for us first? I can run to the saloon.” Alex offers immediately. He’d always been a helpful person. Mostly to his grandparents, and to Haley. Since coming back, the few times she’d stomached being with Alex and Shane, she’d seen those same instincts coming out with his partner, with Ry... with anyone. Now Abbi. It was odd. It used to be something he protected about himself.
“No need, we’re good. Actually I’m not fee-” Haley begins, trying to get them all off the hook of this uncomfortable situation that seemed to be blossoming of its own accord.
“Sounds good to me. I’ll have whatever the special is.” Abbi says over her, to Haley’s shock. She stares at her, mid sentence cut off, her mouth hanging open.
“Sorry Hales, what was that?”
“Um...I’ll have the soup of day.” A weak attempt at still pretending she’d come down with something.
She could swear the slightest smirk crosses Abbi’s face as Alex happily sets off to retrieve food for them.
“Shut up.” Haley says to her.
“What?” Abbi laughs, “I didn’t say shit.”
“Ugh.” Haley rolls her eyes before heading to her room. She wouldn’t have time to do her full routine, but she could at least change her clothes.
Two minutes later she was sitting on the couch with Abbi again trying to decide what movie to watch. She’s changed into a matching pink lounge wear set that was only a small step up from pyjamas, but at least it was clean. Normally she’d never be around other people without dressing up to a certain level. Unless it was someone she was sleeping with, but even still she never let herself be seen too undone. She knew she looked damn good in this set, and it helped her feel a little more normal. Though nothing about today was normal.
“What do you like to watch?” Abbi asks her, flicking through options.
“Nothing.”
“Come on.” Abbi, still lounging, pokes her with her toe.
Haley glares at her and scoots further away into the arm rest. “I’m serious. I don’t normally have time for this kind of thing.”
“So you have no opinion?”
“No, I don’t.”
Abbi laughs, “I don’t believe you.”
“How can I have an opinion on something I know nothing about?”
Abbi scoffs, “I think you especially have opinions on things you know nothing about.”
Haley gasps, “you’re one to talk!”
“Am I?”
“Seeing as you’re stating an opinion on something you don’t know right now, I’d say so.” Haley crosses her arms.
Abbi laughs again, “alright, so if I put on a slasher flick you’re not going to mind?”
Haley’s mouth hardens.
“Seeing as you have no idea what you’re in for, you don’t know enough to be opposed, right?”
“I don’t need to have seen a slasher flick to know I’m not into blood and gore.” Haley snaps.
“Ah... interesting. Psychological horror then?”
“I don’t want any part of your creepy little thrills.”
“Romcom?”
“Are you stereotyping me because I’m wearing pink?”
Abbi shrugs, “I like romcoms.” Haley’s expression must have said she didn’t believe her because Abbi raised an eyebrow and said “who’s stereotyping now?”
Haley shakes her off and looks back at the TV. “What’s your favourite?”
“But I’m a Cheerleader.”
Haley gives Abbi the side eye. Was that supposed to be a comment on something else? Something about Haley? A blond, pink loving girl, who yes, happened to be a cheerleader in high school? Who’d struggled with figuring out her sexuality? It was a deep cut, to be on the tip of Abbi’s tongue. Haley ignored it.
“I think I’d rather watch something more... distracting.” It was an honest thought. She really didn’t want to watch anything love related right now. She didn’t want to watch anything remotely similar to real life, even if it was campy as hell. She could feel herself becoming embarrassed by admitting that to Abbi. If she had to sit through a movie and dinner with Abbi and Alex, she’d rather be aloof through it. She’d rather not care, and let them know she didn’t.
But Abbi caught onto the earnestness she’d accidentally expressed. “Okay, escapism... Action? Fantasy?”
Haley shrugged, trying to recover herself. “Yeah, whatever.”
“I’ll take it your not a LOTR girl, are you?”
“A what?”
“Lord of the rings?”
Haley scrunched up her nose, “I’ve never seen it.”
“Would you be willing to now?” There was genuine curiosity in Abbi’s voice.
Haley shrugged. She’d never been in to any of that. It didn’t really fit with her vibe. She doubted Alex had either.
Abbi started giggling.
“What? What did I do?”
“Nothing. You’re great. Just if you told me back in high school I’d be talking about the possibility of watching LOTR with you, I’d have pissed myself.”
“Ew.” There was a part of Haley that was disturbed by that, by herself allowing this to happen. Of changing as a person, and Abbi witnessing it. There was another part of her that also thought it was amusing. In that moment, that part was bigger.
Maru slid the pearl under the microscope. It revealed nothing to her.
The need to ‘get out of here’ was bigger than she’d initially realized. Here, on her own, she wouldn’t find any answers.
Shane was not expecting the red rimmed, half-opened eyes Ry greeted him at the door with.
“Are you high?”
Ry just stared at him.
“Okay...” He took the silence as an affirmative. “It’s like... 10am... have you even left the house yet today?” Not leaving the house before 10am is not something he was consider strange or concerning for most people, but Ry was on farmer schedule, and even though it was winter she usually kept to it. There was always stuff to check on, from the animals, to the greenhouse, to general repairs.
“Shane...” There was a long pause. “We’re going bankrupt.”
Once he’d processed those words, which took him several moments of stunned silence, he momentarily wondered if those red rimmed eyes were from crying.
“How long have you known?”
“Awhile.”
“And you didn’t think this concerned me?”
“I was trying to fix it.”
“And you didn’t think I could help?”
“Shhhh, it’s okay.” She winced, like his voice that was becoming slightly louder as the conversation went on, was hurting her ears.
“You’re shushing me right now?”
“No. Fuck. Shane. I didn’t want you to worry. I thought it would be fine. Actually, it’ll probably be fine. Most likely, anyway. Right?”
“Probably, huh?” His fists were clenched.
“I’m sorrryyy....” Her voice was so spaced out, she was unquestionably stoned right now.
“Okay. I’m going to walk away right now and you’re going to go inside and nap off what you smoked, and when you wake up, we’re going to actually talk about this. Okay?”
She blinked at him, stunned. He wasn’t sure how much of that she took in, or could take in. But she eventually nodded, “yeah, okay.”