Chapter 1
my place now (sent november 29th 6:45 pm)
Jeff sent the text knowing full well that Britta would assume he meant “for sex” but telling himself that he was simply requesting her presence. He didn’t phrase it like that knowing it would get her to him quickly and not in an hour like she would if he had sent that text in context, no sir.
He needed help. And in this specific instance, he only had two options. Britta, or the Dean. So ultimately he had one option.
A dozen loud knocks startled him. Seven minutes. Record time.
He opened the door to Britta smirking back at him, a condom between two fingers in a way she must have thought was very cool.
“Impeccable timing, Winger. I’ve had quite the shitty afternoon.” She let herself in around him and started taking off her jacket, and then her black tank top. Jeff remembered he needed to stop her.
“Actually-”
Britta turned with her top halfway off and raised an eyebrow before faltering at the expression on his face. She put everything back on. “What’s going on, Jeff?
Jeff sucked in a long breath. He needed to go about this somewhat cautiously. “Ok. I need you to take what I’m about to say very- casually.”
“Okay.”
“I need you to know that I’m talking to you about this only because you’re my only option. Not because….” He almost considered not finishing his sentence, because a frankly terrifying look of glee was in Britta’s eye. “Not because you're a psychology major.” This was only partially true. The possibility that Britta could affirm he was as crazy as he felt was somewhat comforting.
Britta grinned. “Jeff Winger. Did you lure me here so I could give you free therapy?” She was practically buzzing with excitement.
“No!” Sort of. “No. Look. You’re gay.”
“Bisexual.”
“Whatever, Kinsey. I need your knowledge on a … personal matter. You’re Google. That’s it.”
The mad glee in her face only increased as she let out a bark of laughter. “You lured me here to give you free GAY therapy! Amazing!” She stood up. “I’ll get the alcohol.”
Jeff looked at his stained ceiling and prayed to God this was a dream. That this whole last week was a dream. He simultaneously thanked God that Britta wouldn’t tell anyone in the study group about this, because that necessitated her telling them why she came to his apartment in the first place..
He really thanked God for that.
Britta handed him a glass of Jack Daniels that he kept on the bottom shelf, and held a glass of red wine that he didn’t know he had. Had she stashed some in the kitchen for herself? Admittedly, Jeff never really looked in his cabinets.
“So.”
Jeff sucked his teeth. “So.”
“You like a guy.”
“God, who says like? What are we, fifteen? I am-attracted, to a...man. That's it.” Jeff knew he was being defensive.
“So you like a guy”
“Yeah.”
Britta leaned back in the battered loveseat he kept in the corner of his badly lit living room and narrowed her eyes at him. “Who?”
“That information is very classified.”
Britta sighed and whined a little, breaking the therapist facade she was obviously trying to construct. “Jeffff. Don’t do that. I told you about Annie.”
That was true. She had. But she had also told him about her crush with no (almost no) prompting, so he decided that counted for something.
“There was no promise there! There wasn’t some pinky swear to tell you about whatever gay crush I had.” There also no idea that he would ever have one, but whatever.
Britta’s ears pricked up at this, for some reason. “It’s a crush?”
Jeff realized with a swell of panic that he had vowed to never use the term last year, openly mocking it as being too touchy-feely. He didn’t have feelings like that, he remembered thinking a little bitterly that night. He did now, apparently. Dear God.“Shut up.”
Britta grinned and took a sip of wine. “Is it Rich?”
“No! Why the hell would you think that?!” The implications of the question were appalling.
“I dunno, Annie thought that since you hated him so much, maybe... “
“I hate him because he’s deeply awful, Britta.”
“We had a bet on it for a while,” she said quietly, shrugging. Jesus Christ.
“No, it isn’t Rich.” Did he have a thing for Rich? Sure, he was attractive, but in this horrifying, artificial way that only amplified the man’s terribleness. Something in the back of Jeff’s mind dimly pointed out that maybe he wasn’t supposed to have opinions on men’s attractiveness, but this thing was obviously wrong and stupid.
“Jeff, seriously. I can’t help in any real way unless I know.”
Something inside of him crumbled at the realization that he needed Britta’s help badly enough to reveal things to her, and he buried his face in his hands. Jeff did not like being this out of control. It felt...gross. He mumbled it, hoping this would all go away. “adhwehd.”
Britta even sounded like she was holding back laughter. “What was that, Jeff?”
He snapped. “Abed!” He looked up at her to see a grin that faded when she saw his expression.
“You’re scared.” She said it quietly, like a simple fact.
Jeff took a long swig of the whiskey and leaned back, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I came to Britta Perry for help, didn’t I?” Annie probably would’ve gotten offended at that. Britta only sighed. She did understand him, at least.
“Tell me how it started.” Since his dignity was utterly and completely lost at this point, he did. He told her how he had initially assumed his affection for Abed was just him being his favorite, like he had heard Pierce call Annie. He told her how he had always found him strangely attractive but always brushed it off. He told her how, during the heist to steal their project back from Professor Grundamm, Abed (while fully in character as Danny Ocean) had cupped his jaw with a cool hand to study his face, to “see if he had the guts” (to do what, who knew). He told her how that had made him forget how to breathe properly for a good five minutes.
“And I’m an adult, so I was able to put two and two together at that point.”
Britta nodded slowly, clicking her tongue. “You sure it wasn’t just the character? Because the same thing happened to Annie-”
“I’m sure.” It made too many things make sense. Too many fleeting thoughts, feelings, all that sappy shit. Jeff realized with disgust that he had been pining. Unconsciously. For months.
“Okay then... What do you want from me? Do you wanna ask him out?”
Jeff scoffed and rolled his eyes. “How? He’d think I lost it. And Jesus, he’s either straight or he and Troy have been doing it since they met. No. I want to know what this makes me.”
Britta shrugged. “Bi? That’s what I’d say.”
Why was this so hard to explain? “But I don’t- like- men.” Did he? “I just… I just like Abed.”
“Then maybe you’re pansexual.” Jeff looked at her incredulously.
“No! It’s a real thing. Just means you don’t care about someone’s gender.”
That was sort of accurate, actually. He paused. “Ok.” That’s okay. That works.
Britta stood up with an empty glass. “You’re gonna have to do something, though.” She started to walk toward the kitchen. Jeff followed her- “No I do not. There is absolutely, no reason-” He broke off when Britta paused and turned back to him, eyebrows raised. Right. Abed’s sixth sense. It was useful, occasionally. He had gotten Just Neil and Vicki together. Britta laughed a little.
“He knew I liked Annie before I did. You think he’s not gonna notice you pine after him?”
Jeff groaned as he gave his glass to her to top up. “God, you’re right.” He took a large swallow.
“Just ask him to dinner, or something. You think it’ll ruin anything? It’s Abed. He’ll barely falter.”
It’ll ruin my chances. But she was right. But, he could not let Britta be right for more than two minutes. “You really feel qualified to give dating advice? Madame Pining After Annie Edison Is My Only Skill?” He laughed as Britta punched his arm. “Shut up.” She noticed his oven clock and swallowed the rest of her wine in one, impressive gulp. “Shit- I have to meet her, actually. Math tutoring.”
Jeff laughed more. “You’re so whipped.”
“I hate you.” She paused. “We’ll make a pact actually. You ask out Abed by the end of the year. I will.. ask Annie if she’s straight.”
“You will ask out Annie. Equity, Perry.”
Britta whined. “Fine. Oh- When are you gonna tell the group?”
“Tell them what?”
“Oh, you know- your new queer discovery.”
Jeff stopped in his tracks as they walked to the door. “Oh. Never.”
“Oh come onnn,” Britta tugged on his arm. “At least Peirce. He hasn’t gotten a win in a while.”
Jeff held back laughter. “It is his birthday in a few months, isn’t it.” He unlocked the door for Britta as she pulled him into a hug. “What-”
“I’m very proud of you.”
He forgot wine drunk Britta was affectionate. “Call a cab.”
“Yeah, yeah. End of the year?” She held out her hand in a very businesslike manner. What the hell- Jeff took it.