this won't go back to normal
Lena hated hospitals. Hated the smells, the looks on people’s faces, the lights, the sounds, everything. She was standing in the hospital room that would be home to them for the next few weeks, at the least, and she started to feel even more sick to her stomach than she had during the car ride there, which was really saying something.
“Mommy?” Her daughter’s voice came from the bed. “You ‘kay?”
Kara was giving her a concerned look but she turned and swallowed the bile that had risen up in her throat, determined to keep it together for her little girl.
“I’m fine, baby,” Lena said softly. “How are you feeling?”
Luna shrugged and Lena looked down at the tube that was snaking its way down the bed, tracking her eyes all the way up to the port that was pumping chemicals into her daughter’s body. Her heart squeezed in her chest and she once more looked over at her wife who was cuddling their daughter on the bed.
Lena wanted to leave. She should be doing something. She couldn’t just sit there while her daughter just kept getting sicker, kept hurting. Thankfully, there was a knock on the door to stop her from acting on her urges to run away and she turned to open it, letting out a sigh of relief when she saw Alex standing there.
Alex immediately dove in and gave Lena a hug. The shorter brunette melted into the embrace and held on for dear life, clinging to something, anything that didn’t remind her of everything going on in the hospital room.
“Hey Luthor,” Alex whispered softly.
“Thank you for coming,” Lena replied, her voice shaky.
“Always.”
“Aunt Alex!” A little voice popped up from behind the pair and they stepped away from each other.
“Hey Luna-bug, how we feelin’?” Alex walked over and sat on the side of the bed, carefully giving the child a hug and giving Kara’s shoulder a squeeze.
Luna shrugged once more and sighed, “The doctors poked me again.”
“I heard, but I know you handled it like a champ because you are the toughest girl I know,” Alex said vehemently.
Luna gave Alex a wide smile, “Really?” Her eyes were as big as saucers.
“Really,” The agent affirmed, booping the girl on the nose.
Luna then went into a long rant about how the doctors had poked her heart, which made her chest feel funny. Then, they put the tube in her heart and how it hurt a little bit and how it still hurts, but not that much.
“I’m sorry it hurts bug, but I think I have something that will make it feel better.” Alex gave Luna a sly smile which caused the girl to giggle.
“What?” She said excitedly.
Alex picked up a bag that she had set down at her side and pulled out a blanket, “I want this to be your special blanket, anytime you’re at the hospital or you’re feeling sick I want you to cuddle it close and remember that you are so tough, the toughest girl I know.” Alex gave her a wink and handed the blanket over.
Luna cradled the fuzzy blanket with so much care, one would think it was fragile. It was dark blue with little white stars all over it and Lena had to discreetly wipe tears from her eyes. Though not so discreetly she supposed, because she caught Kara’s eyes and the soft smile she was giving her.
“Thank you, Aunt Alex,” Luna said softly and Alex spread the blanket over her carefully.
“You are so welcome, munchkin, but I have one more thing.”
“You do?” Luna stopped running her fingers over the blanket and stared at Alex with wider eyes than ever.
“Of course! Since I can’t be here all the time, you need a pal to keep you company, because let's be real,” Alex brought her hand up in a mock whisper, “Your parents can be pretty boring sometimes.”
“Hey,” Kara said defensively, “I am so fun!”
Luna giggled and Lena just rolled her eyes at the sister’s antics.
Alex laughed at her own joke and pulled a stuffed giraffe out of the bag. handing it to Luna who squealed happily and hugged the stuffed animal to her chest.
“Thank you, Aunt Alex!” The four-year-old practically screamed and Lena winced at the sound.
Kara stood up and walked over to her wife since Luna was thoroughly distracted by her sister and the gifts.
“Hey, are you okay?” Kara murmured.
“Mmhmm,” Lena hummed, still trying to keep the contents of her stomach down.
“It’s just, you winced when Luna screamed.” Kara bit her lip and looked at her wife nervously.
“Yes, and?” Lena replied, clearly perturbed.
“Um, you just don’t normally do that...”
Lena opened her mouth to retort but felt her stomach turn and she sharply turned and walked as quickly as she could to the bathroom, immediately emptying the contents of her stomach when she reached the toilet. Kara was behind her in an instant, holding her hair back until she was finished. The blonde could hear Alex trying to distract Luna, who had asked what was wrong with mommy.
“It’s okay, Lee, I’m right here,” Kara whispered over and over.
When Lena was finished, she flushed the toilet and stood, moving to the sink so she could splash her face with water. When she looked up, she saw Kara’s worried face in the mirror and sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m fine, just stressed.”
“This is not just stress, Lee, and you know it.”
Lena scoffed and looked down at the sink. She couldn’t be sick, she couldn’t be anything but at the top of her game. She had to save her daughter and be there every step of the way, there was simply no time for anything else. At that thought, she felt her stomach turn again and she groaned, kneeling by the toilet once more, expelling whatever was left in her stomach.
Lena was so drained when she was done that she collapsed against the nearest wall. Kara sat down next to her and the two just sat in silence. They sat there until there was a knock at the door and they had to talk to Luna’s doctor about how their time at the hospital would look.
“I would like to keep her here for at least a few weeks to determine how well she handles the chemotherapy and radiation therapies, it can be a lot on a little body. We need to watch her immune system and make sure her numbers remain steady, otherwise, we may have to keep her here a little longer.” The doctor gave them both a sad look. “We’re going to do everything we can to keep her alive and comfortable for as long as possible.”
“You’re acting like she’s already dead,” Lena snapped, giving the doctor a hard look.
“Mrs. Luthor-Danvers, DIPG is a very serious disease that is currently incurable. I told you that we will do everything we can to help your daughter and we will, but I will not give you both false hope.” She sighed. “I am truly sorry that this is happening and if there is anything you need, please let me know.”
“Thank you, Dr. Grey,” Kara reached out to shake her hand, which the doctor took. Dr. Grey nodded and turned on her heel, exiting the room without another word.
Lena wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the floor, her mind racing with everything the doctor had said. They had heard it all before, but hearing it come from the best doctor in the nation, made it sting a bit more, made it more real, diminished any and all hope Lena still had inside of her.
Alex came up behind Kara and touched her shoulder, “You guys need to get out of here, I got her.” Kara opened her mouth to protest, but Alex spoke again. “She’s asleep, Kar. You guys will have plenty of time in this hospital room. Go, catch a breather, so you can come back and have a clearer head. If not for you, then for her.”
Kara nodded and looked over at Lena who was still staring at the floor, “Lee?”
Lena just nodded and headed out the door, leaving Kara to stumble after her. Once they were in the car, Lena once again in the passenger seat, they just sat there. Just like in the bathroom, they couldn’t seem to move, couldn’t seem to breathe, they just felt numb and the air felt stifling.
After a couple hours of staring into nothingness, Kara put the car in drive and headed home, the drive back equally as quiet as that morning.
Lena bolted to their bathroom and locked the door as soon as they pulled up, Kara having just stopped the car. Lena’s hands trembled as she opened up cabinet after cabinet, finally finding what she was looking for, hidden in the bottom of a drawer, from almost five years prior. She stared at the pregnancy test for what felt like an eternity, considering just ignoring the nagging feeling in the back of her mind, but she knew she couldn’t. She opened the plastic, trembling the whole time, and sat down on the toilet.
After using the test she turned it facedown, pacing back and forth, as she waited for three minutes to pass. She could hear Kara on the other side of the door asking if she was okay, but she couldn’t reply, so she just kept moving, back and forth back and forth. It had definitely been more than three minutes once she stopped, eyeing the plastic test. Slowly walking over to the counter, she picked it up, taking a deep breath. When she flipped the test over and saw what was on it, her heart dropped.
Shit.
Lena dropped the test as if it had burned her and let out a loud sob. Kara burst through the door, effectively breaking the lock, and scooped Lena up in her arms before she fell. The blonde lifted Lena up easily and carried her to the bed, not wanting to end up on the bathroom floor again. After getting them both settled, Lena being curled tightly into her side, Kara just let her wife cry. Lena sobbed and sobbed, soaking Kara’s sweatshirt that still smelled like the hospital, but Kara didn’t care. She just wanted to know what had made her wife so upset and do everything in her power to fix it, because something had happened in that bathroom, she knew it.
Once Lena’s tears had subsided, Kara wiped the wetness off of her cheeks with her thumbs and kissed her on the forehead, cuddling her closer.
“What happened, baby?”
Lena whimpered into her shoulder and shuddered, much to Kara’s dismay.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Kara rubbed the smaller woman’s back.
“The bathroom floor,” Lena whispered raspily, “It’s on the bathroom floor.”
Kara unwound her arms from around her wife and shuffled out of the bed, leaving Lena curled into a little ball. She walked into the bathroom and almost immediately saw the plastic stick on the ground. Her stomach lurched and she stood there in shock, her thoughts from this morning coming back to her. She knew Lena was acting strange but she wrote it off as stress and grief and now, here she was, staring at a plastic stick that could change their lives even more, lying on the floor.
Kara tentatively picked the test up off the floor and looked at the screen, pregnant. Kara didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to feel. Everything felt like it was spinning and so she set the test down on the counter and went back to her wife.
The superhero wrapped herself protectively around her wife, “It’s okay, it’s going to be okay.”
“This wasn’t how it was supposed to be,” Lena said quietly. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“I know, Lee, I know.”