i didn't tell you i was scared
Lena and Kara fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms and woke up a few hours later, getting up to head back to the hospital. The couple stayed silent while they were getting ready and the whole ride there. When they pulled up, Kara turned to her wife and her heart jolted in her chest at the utter defeat on her face.
“Do you want to tell Alex?” Kara asked softly, not wanting to startle Lena who looked deep in thought.
Lena shook her head, “I don’t want to tell anyone right now. This wasn’t even supposed to be possible.”
Kara swallowed hard, “I know.”
They got out of the car and walked solemnly back up to Luna’s room. Once they reached the doorway, they painted on false smiles and went through the door.
“Momma, Mommy!” Luna squealed, holding her arms out.
“Hey, Lunabug.” Kara gently brought her little girl into a big hug. “Did you have fun with Aunt Alex?”
“Yea! We played with turtle and she told me stories,” Luna told the blonde, proudly looking over at Alex.
“Turtle?” Kara asked inquisitively, “I thought you bought her a giraffe?”
“Turtle is the name of the giraffe, mommy,” Luna said exasperatedly and then giggled at Kara’s confused look.
Kara looked over at her sister who just shrugged her shoulders.
Lena walked over to Luna and sat down on the edge of her bed, “Well I’m glad you had fun, Lulu.”
“I did! But I missed you, mommy.” Luna batted her little eyelashes and Lena gave her a genuine soft smile, bringing her into a hug.
“I missed you too, baby.” Lena’s stomach lurched at the word and she just held Luna tighter.
“Ugh, mommy, you’re squeezing me,” Luna grunted and Lena let go with a chuckle before her face fell into one of concern.
“It’s not hurting anywhere is it?”
“No, mommy,” Luna gave a sarcastic eye-roll. Everyone in the room laughed at that and Lena ruffled her daughter’s hair.
“Alright, I gotta go kiddo,” Alex said after the laughter had died down.
Luna pouted as Alex said her goodbyes and started to head out the door, Lena following her.
“Hey, Alex, can I talk to you for a second,” The younger woman asked.
“Yeah sure,” Alex closed the door behind her and looked at Lena expectantly.
“I’m not going to let her go without a fight.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, Luthor.” Alex put a hand on Lena’s shoulder. “But you also need to take care of yourself, don’t think I don’t know something’s up with you.”
Lena sighed, “That’s not what’s important right now.”
“Lena…” Alex warned.
“No, Alex, I’m serious. I’m going to save my daughter and I need your help.” Lena ran a hand through her hair, staring at the agent pleadingly.
“Of course, I’ll help, Lena. I started doing research as soon as she was diagnosed. She’s my niece. I’m going to do everything in my power to try and save her.”
Lena swallowed hard and nodded, “Thank you,” she whispered.
Alex brought the shorter woman into a hug, “Always, Lena. I love you and your family so much, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you guys.”
“Likewise,” Lena sniffled, pulling back and wiping at her eyes, “Gosh, I feel like a water fountain.”
Alex chuckled and patted Lena on the shoulder, “Take care of yourself,” the agent warned once more, giving Lena a sharp stare.
“Yea, yea,” Lena replied, waving the agent off, “Tell Kelly and the kids we said hi.”
“Will do,” Alex replied. “I'll call you,” and with that, she disappeared down the hall.
_____
The rest of the day passed by slowly, Luna having slept through most of it and Lena and Kara getting work done on their laptops. Neither woman slept well that night, but refused to speak about what was on their minds, or rather, Lena wouldn’t.
Kara wanted so badly to talk to her wife about what had transpired earlier in the day, but she knew she had to wait for Lena to come to her, no matter how worried she was.
Lena on the other hand just wanted to ignore it. She wanted to pretend like nothing was happening and focus solely on saving her little girl, no matter the cost to her well-being.
The next day, Dr. Grey came in to inform them that Luna had radiation therapy scheduled for later that morning and told them that one parent was allowed to be in the room, the two thanked her and once she exited the room Lena told Kara she would be going.
“Absolutely not,” Kara told her, “This is where I am putting my foot down.”
“Excuse me?” Lena stared daggers at the blonde, but Kara stood her ground.
“Don’t act like I’m being unreasonable here, Lena, we both know why you can’t go in there.”
Lena continued to glare at Kara and when she realized her wife wasn’t going to give in, she calmly stood.
“I need some air.”
“So that’s it?” Kara walked over to the brunette, “You’re just going to leave?”
“Well, I’m not just going to sit here and do nothing while you’re in there with her,” Lena protested, evading her wife’s grasp and getting closer to the door.
“Lena, Luna needs her mother, not another doctor.” Kara wrapped her arms around herself and looked over at the sleeping little girl.
Lena scoffed, “She has her mother, she has you.” Lena threw open the door and left the room, leaving a shocked and open-mouthed Kara in her wake.
_______
Flashback
Lena threw another negative pregnancy test at the bathroom wall and glared at it in frustration. They had been trying for over a year and nothing was working.
“Lee?” Kara murmured through the door.
“Come in,” the brunette sighed.
Kara slowly opened the door and gave her wife a sad look.
“I’m sorry,” Lena whispered.
“Lena… this is not your fault.” Kara walked over and wrapped her arms around her wife’s still form.
The smaller woman let out a shuddering breath and shook her head against her wife’s chest. “I can’t, I can’t…” she whispered.
“It’s okay.” Kara lifted up Lena’s chin and stared into her teary green eyes.
“No, it’s not. You want this so bad.”
“Not at your expense Lee, you’re the most important thing in the world to me and this is killing you.”
Lena stared at her for a moment before extricating herself from Kara’s grasp and walking away, entering her office and shutting the door behind her, locking it.
The brunette picked up the phone and sighed in relief when the person on the other line picked up.
“Lena?”
“It was negative.”
Silence and then, “dammit, Lee, I’m so sorry.”
“I don’t know if I can do it anymore, Sam.”
“Maybe it’s time to take a break.”
Lena let out a shaky breath, “she wants this so bad.”
“What do you want, Lee?”
“I-it’s my fault we can’t adopt, I have to make this happen for her.” Lena walked over to the bar in her office and stared longingly at the whiskey she was prohibited from having due to fertility treatments and poured herself a glass of water.
“First of all, it is not your fault people can’t look past your last name and see what a good person you are, second, you keep saying this is something Kara wants, not you. Is a kid something you really want?”
Lena clenched her jaw and looked down into the water she was holding before downing the whole glass.
“Lena?”
“Yes? I think so.”
“You think so?”
“I-I guess I just never saw myself as a mom, but then I met Kara and I can’t deny her this, Sam, she’s wanted kids her entire life.”
“I think this is something you need to take to Kara about.”
Lena huffed, “and what, tell her I don’t want kids?” she felt the tears stinging in the back of her eyes but she refused to let them fall.
“Just tell her you need a break, be honest with her, she loves you.”
“I can’t lose her, Sam.”
“Lee…”
“I gotta go,” the brunette mumbled.
“Don’t hang up, Lena, please.”
“I’ll talk to you later, Sam. Tell Ruby I said hi.”
Lena walked over to the phone, which had been placed on speaker, and effectively hung up. She put both hands on her desk, bracing herself, and took a steadying breath. The Luthor walked out of her office to find Kara sitting on the couch, the two made eye contact as soon as Lena opened the doors and Lena moved to go sit next to her wife. They sat in silence for a long time, neither knowing how to start the conversion that was ahead of them.
“You don’t want to try again, do you?” Kara finally said, startling Lena out of her thoughts.
“I…” Lena put her face in her hands. “I just-”
“Baby,” Kara murmured softly, “why didn’t you just tell me?”
“You want this so bad,” Lena whispered, “and it’s not happening because of me.”
“Lena… this is not your fault,” Kara said vehemently.
“That’s what Sam said, but that doesn’t change the fact that my last name is the reason we can’t adopt and my fucking uterus doesn’t even do what it’s supposed to do.”
“Well if that’s the reasoning you’re going with, then it’s both our faults.”
Lena turned her head to face Kara. “What do we do?”
Kara blew out a breath, “Whatever you want.”
“Don’t put this on me,” Lena snapped, standing up from the couch, beginning to pace.
“I can’t force you to do something you don’t want to do Lena, it’s your body,” Kara said calmly.
“Is it?” Lena scoffed, nervously biting her nails, a bad habit she had never been able to get rid of.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Kara sighed wearily.
“My body hasn’t been mine for an entire year, with all the fertility treatments and hormones, I haven’t felt like myself for so long and I’m so tired, I’m tired of all of it.”
“It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.”
Lena stopped pacing, facing away from Kara, “don’t give me that look.”
“What look?” Kara stood from the couch.
“The look that got us into this mess in the first place.”
“Excuse me?” Kara walked up behind Lena who turned around to face her.
“You know what I mean, you wanted this so bad, how was I supposed to say no?”
Kara’s eyes grew wide and her hands clenched at her sides, “You-you didn’t want this?”
Lena deflated at the look on her wife’s face, “I was never meant to be a mother, Kara,” she said sadly.
“Oh.”
“I would give you anything, Kara, you know that, but maybe it's for the best.”
Kara’s jaw clenched, “what would have happened, Lena, if you had gotten pregnant?”
“What do you mean?” Tears filled Lena’s eyes at the steely look on Kara’s face.
“Would you have just resented me for the rest of your life for forcing you to become a mother?”
Lena had never seen Kara this angry, she didn’t know what to say, so she just stood there in silence.
“You made your choice, Lena, whether you like it or not, you don’t get to blame me. I guess we’re done trying.” Kara turned on her heel and strode away quickly.
Lena heard their bedroom door slam shut and she flinched. Silent tears streamed down her face and she mindlessly made her way into her office and poured herself the glass of whiskey she had been craving. No point in abstaining now. She was about to take her first sip when a nagging thought in the back of her mind told her to go pick up the pregnancy test she had thrown earlier. Sighing, she set down her glass and headed to the bathroom, wiping her tears off as she went. She stared at the test for a moment before picking it up and when she finally bent down and flipped it over, her heart stopped. There it was, a dark line and right beside it, another faint one. Still in shock, Lena pulled out two more pregnancy tests, one with the screen that simply said ‘preganant’ or ‘not pregnant’.
She took them both and waited, the time stretching and warping for what felt like eternity. Lena felt like she couldn’t breathe the entire time. When she finally worked up the courage to flip over the tests, she froze and choked on a sob. Her mind raced, trying to take in both of the clearly positive plastic sticks in front of her. It couldn’t be real, she had to be dreaming, hallucinating maybe? None of it made sense, after trying for so long, she was pregnant.
No.
This wasn’t right. She couldn’t be a mom, she could barely be a good wife, a good person. How could she raise another human? She opened up the medicine cabinet and pulled out the Fentynal she kept in a small compartment in the back and dumped out a handful. She stared at it and stared at it until she closed her eyes and let out a deep sigh, putting them back in the bottle and returning it to its place in the cabinet. She couldn’t do that to Kara and she hated herself for even considering it.
She felt numb as she hid away the tests and moved to the living room, deciding it would be best if she slept on the couch that night. Curling up on her side, she stared at the wall and let the reality of what she almost did sink in.
She would carry that around with her for her entire pregancy, through the birth of her beautiful, perfect little girl, every birthday, every season, every moment, she carried the guilt around and she would never tell a soul.
She carried it to Luna’s cancer diagnosis and a small voice in the back of her voice whispered, ‘well, this is what you wanted.’
_____
But it wasn’t what she wanted, not after meeting and knowing Luna, who was already a much better person than she ever would be, and that was all thanks to Kara. She’s made so many mistakes, but letting Luna slip through her fingers would not be one of them, no matter the cost.
So, she entered her lab and slicked her hair back into a high pony, slipping on her lab coat. Her phone buzzed over and over from calls and texts from Kara and she quickly turned it off, wanting to focus completely on her work, Kara would forgive her, she would understand.
She had to.