Love is Terrifying, but I Will Face My Fears for You
Lin’s leg kept bouncing up and down. Normally, she was stoic and still, ready to strike at a moment's notice. Now, she was reduced to a trembling ball of nerves. Kya placed a hand on her knee, stilling her leg and offering silent reassurance.
Lin fidgeted in the stiff chair. “What if we made a mistake by doing this? What if it tears us apart?”
“I will always come back to you. Nothing can tear us apart,” she said softly, lacing her long fingers through hers.
A short woman with black hair popped her head out into the waiting room. “Okay, next we have our seven o'clock appointment, please come in!” she called out.
The two stood up and walked into a small room. The space was fairly dark, lit only by the plethora of candles in the room crammed onto shelves. Besides some furniture, the space was filled with shelves. The shelves were filled with books, photos, and a plethora of trinkets from all four nations.
“Welcome! My name is Li Meiza and I’ll be guiding you through your session today,” she said, sitting down in the chair behind a wooden desk. “What are your names?”
“I’m Kya,” she said with a smile, sitting down on the couch.
“Lin Beifong,” she replied simply.
“Ah, I see now why you two requested me,” she mused out loud. At their confused looks, she shook her head and let out a small laugh. “I am a special therapist, I deal with many high profile clients. I counsel with Raiko’s wife and some of his closest staff members, along with a few of your captains. Since I am in a position where I can get sensitive information, I sign a NDA with every person.”
She slid a folder to the two women. “Inside are two NDA forms. You sign those and understand that everything we say stays between us three and is not to be discussed with anyone outside of this room. We have to take many precautions to ensure our customer’s safety,” she explained.
The couple quickly signed the forms and handed the folder to her. “Now, I’m assuming this is a couple’s session?” At their nod, she smiled. “Well congratulations on getting together! Now, tell me a bit about why you’re in here.”
Kya glanced at Lin, who nodded in silent agreement. “Well, we both have a lot of past trauma and have been working on it. We had a very tense argument and said some...cruel things to each other,” she admitted with shame.
“Okay so how long have you two been together?” she asked, scribbling notes into a small blue journal.
“Five months,” Lin replied.
“Have there been any feelings for each other before this?” she asked, her gaze making Lin crumble under the intensity.
“I’ve been in love with Lin since we were teenagers. I’ve never pushed my feelings onto her though,” Kya said.
Lin nodded. “I think I felt feelings emerge around that time, it was hard to tell since I was heavily repressing my sexuality.”
“What caused you two to finally recognize your feelings for each other?” she said, scribbling notes.
“Well, it started when I let her move into my apartment,” the police chief said. “Then...then-” Her voice trailed off and her throat closed up with emotion.
“Then I confessed that I loved her after Amon took her bending,” she said, pulling her girlfriend into a tight hug. “We then got together and have been doing pretty well.”
“Well, I can understand the trauma Lin has from being on the force and dealing with that shit, but you are a wildcard Kya. I can tell that you’ve been through your fair share, so if you can, please share,” Li Meiza said, those damn golden eyes piercing her soul.
“I traveled in my youth because I felt that I had no purpose. I almost killed myself about twenty years ago because I was so fucking tired of living. I have so much fucking survivor's guilt and PTSD from all the shit I’ve been through,” she confessed, Lin wrapping a silent arm of support around her. “After hurting her, I wanted to kill myself. If I hurt the one person I’ve ever loved more than myself, then I don’t deserve to live.”
“Well the good news is that you two have a healthy relationship,” she said with a soft smile. “You two have obviously discussed your trauma in depth with each other before coming to see me. I’m guessing this was due to an argument that started small and blew up quickly. You two both broke down, said hurtful shit, and once the guilt set in, completely opened up, correct me if I’m wrong,” she said, raising an eyebrow at the two women.
At their shocked silence, she nodded. “I’ve dealt with this before, the issue isn’t your relationship. You both have deep rooted insecurities, due to sexuality, self esteem, and other personal issues that impact your relationship. You both have issues communicating but make an effort for each other.”
“How can you tell this? You’ve only talked with us for about thirty minutes,” Lin asked, voice full of shock.
She smiled. “I’ve dealt with my fair share of trauma as well as helping my clients. By going through my personal experiences as well as my client’s, it’s easy to pick up on patterns. You are both protectors and want to protect the other at all costs. This causes communication issues despite the relatively healthy relationship.”
She gently wrapped her small, pale hands around the two women’s intertwined hands. “Honestly, I don’t think couple’s therapy would work for you two. You’re both too damn stubborn trying to protect each other to be fully open. I think it would be better if you two did individual sessions,” she said, withdrawing her hands to scribble some more notes.
“That would be fantastic,” Kya said with a smile. “How would we know about what the other has been through?”
“Well, with your permission, you’ll get monthly reviews. As you have noticed, I take notes about my clients during their session. I’ll compile the notes from the month’s sessions and review them with you first. If you approve of what’s compiled, I will then give them to Lin and vice versa. Do keep in mind just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to tell each other absolutely everything that occurs during these sessions,” she said, quickly reaching down to grab a calender.
“That would be wonderful. I have to ask though, did we make the right choice in coming to talk with you? I mean if it drives us apart I don’t know how I would react,” Lin said, trying to be open for once.
Li Meiza smiled. “This is already a sign of progress! You two decided to let this argument that could have easily ended your relationship bring you together. I’m assuming you both made promises to stay by each other,” she said, tilting her head. At their nod, she continued talking. “Well, that’s a damn good sign of a good relationship. Here, let’s go over appointment times.”
The two women scheduled their sessions with her, nervous for how they would be critically analyzed by the intimidating therapist. With a cheerful goodbye, the two left.
Lin snorted with amusement. “She didn’t hold back at all,” she noted, lacing their fingers together.
“Damn right she did,” she said with a laugh. “I do want to ask you about something though.” She took a deep breath but continued at her girlfriend’s supportive look. “That time you got drunk after Soteye’s, you were open. You said some things out loud that you didn’t even realize,” she anxiously said as they walked back home.
Lin opened the door to their apartment. She gently guided her to the couch and Kya laid down on her, using the police chief as a pillow. “You said you wanted to marry me,” she said softly.
Lin’s heart stopped. She felt herself panicking, feeling herself slide into the familiar emotional spiral. Wanting to be honest with her girlfriend, she managed to calm down. “I do,” she said, voice cracking. “I do want to marry you, but I want to do these sessions first. I want to make myself better for you.” She turned away, bracing for the inevitable rejection.
Kya’s eyes shone with tears. “You….you really do love me,” she said, tears rolling down her face. “I’m so used to people just not meaning it and I-”
Lin cut her off with a kiss. “Kya, I want to marry you once we finish these sessions. I love you and even if we don’t get married soon, I want to spend as much time as I can with you.”
“I love you too,” she said, pressing a soft kiss to her girlfriend. “I want to marry you too, but I know we have to work through some of our trauma first.”
Lin held her tightly and the two laid on the couch, limbs tangled. “I really do love you more than I love myself,” Kya said, voice muffled by her girlfriend’s chest.
She chuckled, the vibrations soothing Kya. “I love you more than myself too, my love.” She gently sighed. “Love is scary but as long as I have you, I will face my fears.”
The two softly kissed and headed to the kitchen. They cooked together, just enjoying each other’s presence. After quickly eating and cleaning, the women walked to their room.
Kya stripped down to nothing but her necklace, turning around to see Lin naked as well. The two simply cuddled, just wanting as much skin on skin contact as they could get. They fell asleep to the sound of each other’s heartbeat, the silent promise to stay strong in the fear of love holding them together.