To Live In Shame
To Touya it felt like years had past since he’d last seen his family. In reality, it was only 6 months… But that time still felt like too long.
Touya now avoided mirrors and any reflective surfaces like the plague. He despised the crinkled, dead skin that clung to his body by surgical staples. He hated how they tugged on his skin awkwardly, causing him to meticulously change the way he moved as to not bleed. Touya hated the dead man that would stare back at him.
Shouto didn’t recognise Touya and had become weary around him, Natuso had left the family after an esteemed healer asked Endeavour if they could train him, and Fuyumi was becoming a tutor for troubled omegas – Touya wanted to smack her when she’d told him that he’d inspired her. Endeavour ignored him, but restricted Touya to the house – not wanting anyone to see him.
Touya’s body hurt no matter what he did, but as long as he was careful he was starting to be able to make quick movements without ripping his skin and learning how to eat without moving his jaw too much. Smiling wasn’t exactly a pretty sight though, and it hurt Touya’s face whenever he did. Shouto had promptly burst into tears when Touya first smiled at him.
So here Touya was, sitting on the couch, staring out of the window watching the birds as boredom picked at his mind. His fingers itched to sketch the pretty green Pheasants that warbled at him from their perch in the tree. But Touya knew very well that it’d just cause him unnecessary pain – his wrists would scrape awkwardly against the paper and his staples would pull and stretch with every delicate stroke. Sighing, Touya decided to stretch a little to help loosen his tight skin.
Of course, it was as he was in the middle of trying to touch his toes that the loud ringing of the town bell echoed across the room. Frowning, Touya padded over to the kitchen where there was a little window that looked out into the town square. There, he saw soldiers decked out in traditional war garb as they sat atop their steeds that marched into the middle of the town square.
Touya huffed grumpily as one of the women started talking – he couldn’t hear her due to the thick glass of the window, his father obviously didn’t want anyone to hear the wretched screams that filled the horrible silence of the house.
Quickly grabbing a large, old coat of his mother’s, Touya wrapped himself up in her faded scent and rushed out the back door into one of the alleys. Pulling the hood over his head, Touya kept his head down so no one would recognise his shock of red hair as he crept closer to the cluster of townspeople that surrounded the group of alpha and beta soldiers.
“-tack! The King has ordered for one Alpha or Beta from each family to come fight for the Imperial Army!” A female Alpha bellowed as her eyes scanned the people. “The Shimura family!”
Touya watched as a lanky man who looked like he’d never seen the light of day, step forward and accept the conscription scroll that was offered his way before slinking back off into the crowd.
“The Bubaigawara family!”
This time a person with cloth covering the entirety of their face stepped forward cheerily before snatching the script, apologising, then telling the woman to fuck off and then skipped away. Touya was pretty sure he got whiplash from that small interaction.
The woman continued to call out each family, eventually landing on the Todoroki name.
Touya couldn’t help the sharp intake of breath as he watched Endeavour pridefully stride up to the woman, ignoring the awe that took over all the surrounding soldiers, and taking his script with a gruff ‘thanks’.
The world seemed to slow as Touya’s brain slowly caught up to the fact that his father was going to war… He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face at that fact. Hopefully the old man would die in battle.
“You can’t do that!” Touya shouted, slamming his fist on the table as he glared at his father.
“Don’t act as if a lowly omega such as yourself could do anything,” Enji sneered.
Touya was growling in rage – he was honestly quite surprised his skin hadn’t ripped yet.
That fucking bastard wanted to take Shouto with him to continue his training. He wanted to take a child who had yet to even have presented, into the war-torn country side to train him among the recruits. It was bullshit!
“He’s just a child!” Touya yelled, ignoring Fuyumi’s reprimanding.
“He’s 11 already!” Enji roared as if that fact changed anything.
“That doesn’t mean shit!” Touya didn’t have time to duck out of the way of Enji’s incoming fist.
Stumbling backwards, Touya only barely missed toppling over, steadying himself against the wall. Blood coated his mouth as his now split lip sluggishly bled.
“Touya!” Fuyumi exclaimed, rushing over to check on her brother. Touya ignored her though and pushed away her prodding hands, standing up straight and squaring his shoulders as he glared coldly at the man across from him.
“You,” Touya spat, “Do not deserve to be called a hero – much less a human.”
With that, Touya turned around and left the room, Enji’s roaring threats of violence echoing dully through the house.
Sighing, Touya shut his bedroom door, collapsing on the ground and feeling his eyes burn with tears that will never come.
Touya stared listlessly down at the skin that was heavy and stiff on his arms, shooting pain through his body at every wrong movement. It felt like there were bugs that crawled under the dead flesh, making Touya itch to rip it off.
This wasn’t Touya’s skin…
Shakily dragging his hands through his hair, Touya gulped at the flaming red strands that fell in his eyes as he silently wished he could burn them away. He didn’t want to look like his father. He didn’t want to look like a monster.
It seemed like an eternity passed as Touya watched the sky dim into a beautiful navy, the stars and moon filtering weak light through his bedroom window. The world seemed to move so slowly, even if time felt fast.
It was as the moon was high in the sky that Touya was struck with an idea.
Now, Touya was certainly not the smartest man to walk the planet, and he was told that he had a tendency to do dumb shit; but Touya was more than willing to risk his life for his siblings. So, as Touya crept through the eerily silent house into one of the training rooms where Enji kept his armour, Touya couldn’t help but smile at the brilliance of his idiocy.
If Touya left in Enji’s place, Endeavour would never call him out because it would bring so much shame to his name that he would lose all of his credibility. If Touya left in Enji’s place, then Shouto wouldn’t be in danger of being caught in the cross fire of war… If Touya left in Enji’s place, then he could finally be free.
Perhaps these scars did have some value to them… Natsuo had told Touya that he didn’t smell like an omega unless he got really close to his scent glands, therefore Touya could pull off being a beta. The fact that Touya couldn’t sweat due to the scar tissue was just an added bonus that helped cover his scent.
Grinning devilishly, Touya pulled on a smaller set of armour Enji had made for Shouto for when the kid grew up (honestly, Enji’s obsession with Shouto was unnatural and unhealthy). It took Touya a few minutes of awkwardly waddling around to try and adjust his movements so the cloth wouldn’t pull at his staples before he quickly stole the conscription paper on his father’s bedside table before he padded silently outside to the horse stables.
Now, Touya had to be quiet because he was pretty sure his monstrous appearance would scare the horses, but there was one horse that he knew would recognise his voice.
The horse’s name was Mei, it was his mother’s horse (who absolutely refused to let Enji ride her, which Touya found hilarious). Touya was the one that convinced Endeavour to let them keep Mei, promising he would do all of the stable work required for the mare.
“Mei? It’s me, Touya,” He whispered as he approached the stall. Mei huffed in acknowledgment as she turned towards him, before her ears pinned back against her skull once she took in his appearance.
“It’s okay,” Touya soothed, raising his hands non-threateningly. “It’s just me – I know, I look a little different, don’t I?”
Thankfully, the mare let him approach and he managed to saddle her up without getting bitten (although he did have to dodge out of the way a couple of times). Hauling himself into the saddle, Touya gave Mei a gentle squeeze as they started to walked forward. Once he was out of the front gates though, he was off at full speed, letting the wind embrace him as it whistled past his ears and hugged his body as they galloped off into the distance.
Once again, Touya is going to bring up the fact that he is not the smartest man to walk the planet, because, of course, he just had to run into that Shimura kid whilst he was bathing in the river on his way towards the campsite. And of course, the man would recognise him; because who wouldn’t? Touya was Enji’s failure of an omega, and a very recognisable member of the family due to his hair.
“Oi!” A voice shouted, causing Touya to startle and slip on the pebbles that lined the river, making him fall back into the water with a yelp.
Breaking the surface, Touya sputtered as his lungs tried to dispel any water that had gone down the wrong pipe.
“Wha-what the fuck dude!?” Touya coughed, not noticing the raised brow the other man sent him.
“Didn’t think omegas were supposed to swear,” The light-haired man hummed. Touya felt his blood run cold as he froze.
“Not an omega,” Touya snarled, continuing to scrub his body viciously with the bar of soap as to not seem perturbed.
“People will recognise you. You should let me dye your hair.”
Touya felt his eyes snap up at the man, suspicion bubbling in his chest. “What’s in it for you?”
The lanky man shrugged, nonplussed. “Got an older sister who’s an omega – she doesn’t deserve half the shit she goes through. I ain’t gonna stop you from doing whatever it is you’re doing just ‘cause you’re an omega.”
Touya regarded the other for a minute, taking in the man’s dry and flaking skin, chapped lips and beauty mark. If the man didn’t look like he’d been left to dry out in the basement, then Touya may have considered him attractive. Either way, Touya couldn’t see any lies lingering in the other’s eyes, so he decided to go ahead and allow the other to dye his hair. Touya didn’t like to be biased, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t find comfort in the other being a beta rather than an alpha.
Touya learnt that the man’s name was Tenko Shimura and that the only reason he was here was because it was a great excuse for his father to get rid of him. Touya hummed, commenting that they both have ‘daddy issues’, as he so eloquently put it.
“Not as bad as your asshole of a father,” Tenko grumbled, earning a snort from Touya.
Endeavour was regarded as a hero – a legend – and no one dared to speak against the man, even if he was a pile of shit. So, to hear the beta insult Enji with absolutely no fear was new to Touya.
Touya suspected that they’d make good friends.
The sensation of fingers running through his hair was odd though… He didn’t like people touching his head or face, but Tenko had a point – Touya was very recognisable with his red hair. Currently, a thick paste of grinded coffee, powered henna and other herbs were being carded through his hair. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t completely change Touya’s hair colour, leaving it brown when he stood under the sun.
The two were chatting along as they made their way to the camp, Touya consistently teasing Tenko, enjoying getting a rise out of the shorter man (the fact that Touya was taller than the other was a rather satisfying fact indeed; it made him feel less… omegan, and more human).
“Shogi is boring,” Touya groaned. Honestly, this guy and his obsession with games was concerning.
“No it’s not! It’s about strategy and skill, you uncultured swine!” Tenko seethed, as he continued to rant on and on about the game. Touya just huffed out a sigh, tuning the other out as he took in the approaching camp site.
Even from here, about 500 feet away, Touya could faintly pick up on the pungent scent of Alpha, making his sensitive nose wrinkle. Gently chewing his bottom lip, Touya felt his hand instinctively move to clutch at the small saddle bag, feeling the delicate glass syringes through the coarse fabric. It was medicine that was used to help Touya’s haemophilia, something about clotting factor products or whatnot (Touya didn’t know the details, all he knew was that it worked and that was good enough for him).
There were people carting their horses inside where Touya assumed there were stables; others lugging heavy bags on their back after obviously walking to the training grounds. Touya felt his lungs constrict as they neared. This idea was seeming stupider and stupider by the second.
“Relax.” Tenko’s voice cut through Touya’s internal panic. Looking over at the other, Touya realised the pale man wasn’t looking at him, but the horizon instead. “You’ll be fine.”
Despite the begrudging way the words were offered, Touya found comfort in the sentiment. Nodding to himself, Touya turned back to look at the grounds.
He better not fuck this up, because he only had one chance…