Chapter 31
"Look....I know you don't trust me right now, and you probably think everything I say is a lie, and I get that....I guess. So if you never believe anything I say ever again, then fine. But you have to believe this, Ness." She pauses to make sure she has Vanessa's full attention and they're making direct eye contact. She needs her to know that she's telling the truth. "It wasn't an affair, okay?" She stops again, to guage Vanessa's response to the statement, before continuing. "It was one stupid kiss. And it wasn't because I was bored of you, or didn't want you. The opposite in fact! I was so flippin'.....obsessed with you" she says with an embarrassed scoff "and so excited that you were coming home that I just completely lost it when you ran off after the adoption hearing and went back to your Mum's. I thought you didn't want me. And I couldn't cope with that. My heart was in a million pieces. So I did something stupid. And that broke your heart. So I'm sorry." She pauses again. Vanessa still seems to be listening. Well, she hasn't jumped in and interrupted her anyway - that must be a good sign. "I know that can't make it better or even begin to make up for what I did, but I am sorry." She takes a breath and continues with a rueful smile: "I thought I'd already made the biggest mistake of my life - I mean, I had plenty to choose from, eh?" With a self-deprecating laugh. "But that tops them all. So, I understand why you're mad, and upset, and hurt and why you hate me. I hate me too. But I don't think it'll ever be true to say that I don't love you." She says honestly, but without agenda. "I can't change that. And I can't make it disappear - with booze, or scams or meaningless relationships. So I'm just going to learn to live with it. And to live without you. But I'm going to try and be that person I was when I was with you. Because that's the best me I can be, isn't it? And I'll always be thankful to you for that....even if I can't show you every day like I wanted to. You're so special, Ness. That broken cellar door is the best thing that ever happened to me cos it brought me you. And I hope you find someone that deserves you as much as I wish I could deserve you."
Vanessa studies Charity tearfully, trying to take in her emotional and, she thinks, honest outburst, temporarily lost for words.
"Right, well, you don't need to listen to me ramble on any more!" Charity blurts out nervously when Vanessa doesn't respond, turning to head out of the door before turning back and adding: "I....erm.....I'll see you tomorrow for the boys' playdate, yeah?" She adds in the most casual tone she can muster, trying to diffuse the tension and awkwardness she's caused.
Vanessa nods, her eyes shimmering.
"Charity.." Vanessa manages to eke out, just before Charity steps out of the door.
Charity turns back around, briefly letting her eyes rake over Vanessa's face, trying to gauge what might be coming, before casting them down to stare at one of the buttons on her ex's shirt nervously. "Yeah?"
"I believe you." She says.
Charity's heart thumps in her chest and she tries to swallow down her disbelief. "Yeah?" She asks, eyes darting over Vanessa's face, looking for confirmation.
"Yeah. I mean....I still think you're an idiot" she adds cheekily with a tearful laugh "but I believe you."
"Okay" Charity whispers emotionally, a smile breaking onto her face despite her tears. "Good." And she goes to leave again before turning back one last time. "Thank you, Ness."