Chapter 26
It's Vanessa's Hen Do and Charity has decided to stay at home and wallow with a bottle of wine instead of risking seeing the love of her life celebrating the fact that she's marrying someone else. There's a knock at the front door and Charity groans when she hears it.
"For crying out loud! Can a woman not just get drunk in peace any more?!"
She opens the door and freezes when she sees Vanessa standing on her doorstep looking the level of drunk that Charity wishes she was. She then spots Rhona stood at the end of the path looking a little furtive. (She'd tried to convince Vanessa that now wasn't the time to do this but she was belligerent in her drunkenness and so there was no talking her out of it. Rhona thought that by coming with her she could do some damage limitation if things got heated, and hopefully stop Tracy from marching in there if she realised that Vanessa was missing from the celebrations.)
Charity continues to stare dumbly at Vanessa, wondering what's going on and before she knows what's happening Vanessa has pushed her way unsteadily past her and into the house. She shifts her questioning gaze to Rhona who just offers her a shrug and turns away to keep an eye on the pub door. She shuts the door and slowly turns around to find Vanessa leaning heavily against the kitchen counter trying to focus on the woman in front of her.
"Ness....what....what are you doing here..?" She asks uncertainly.
"I came to see you."
She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I noticed that. But why?"
"To talk."
Why is she so difficult when she's drunk? "Right. Okay. About..?"
"You"
Great. She's come to shout at her. And tell her what an awful person she is. As if she wasn't having a bad enough night as it was..
"Come to tell me I'm pathological, Super Sloshed Girl?"
Vanessa studies her for a second.
"No. Just that you're an idiot."
"Great. Well, you've done that now so.." Hoping she'll take the hint and leave her in peace to get drunk.
"No I haven't." She pauses. "You're an idiot. Now I have!" Vanessa almost giggles, looking very pleased with herself.
"Okay. Well, thanks for coming, yeah, but I've actually got a date with this bottle of wine and you've got a Hen Do to get back to.." Trying again to get rid of her.
"I'm getting married."
It's not as if she doesn't know that but Vanessa saying it like that feels like somebody's just ripped her heart out. "Yep"
"We were going to get married, Charity."
Oh good, and now she's stamping on it for good measure. "Yep"
"But then you went off with someone else, didn't you? Because I wasn't enough, was I? You got bored of me, just like you said you would." She huffs out a breath.
Charity covers her face with her hands, trying to hide the tears that have been threatening, and doesn't trust herself to be able to speak without the tears falling.
"You don't even care, do you? How much you hurt me. Was it all just a big game to you? A joke?" She huffs again when Charity still doesn't reply. "Can't even be bothered to answer. You're pathetic! Bye Charity." She spits before righting herself and staggering back towards the door.
"Do you have any idea how hard it was for me?" Charity manages to mutter through her clogged throat.
Vanessa spins back 'round to face Charity and somehow manages to stay upright. "Which part? Eh? Kissing someone else? Lying to me? Drinking yourself stupid? Scamming? Oh, however did you manage?! Poor old Charity." She says mockingly.
"NO! The part where the person I love more than I've ever loved anyone had cancer! The part where I knew you were struggling and in pain but there was nothing I could do about it - I couldn't take it away or make it better....I couldn't even look after you because you were a hundred miles away at your Mum's! All I wanted was for you to be here so I knew how you were, and I could care for you, and we could do it all as a family. Because I knew what you needed - I knew exactly how hot you wanted your bath, even if you didn't, I knew you'd always fall asleep to afternoon telly and forget to have your tablets so I'd have to wake you up to take them, I knew the kids coming home from school was what you looked forward to most every day, I knew what food you could manage on each day of your chemo cycle. And I was ready to do it all, day in day out, just like I'd promised at the hospital. But you weren't here. And I was terrified. Every single day. I was terrified that I'd never see you again, that I'd never get to hold you again, that we'd never be a family again."
Vanessa looks a little startled by Charity's answer but quickly comes back with a vicious retort. "Well you made sure of that anyway."
"Yeah." She whispers sadly.
"Why though, Charity? That's what I don't understand....why?"
"I don't even know. I felt like every day was a struggle to stay afloat - I was fighting so hard to adopt Johnny, and was trying to keep the kids and house in order, so I just wanted you home. Even though you couldn't help with any of that because you were poorly. So when you stopped speaking to me as often and then didn't come home when you'd promised you would I just convinced myself that you didn't love me any more. I couldn't handle that. I couldn't handle the fact that, for the first time in my life, I'd given my heart and my trust to someone completely, only to have it broken. I was devastated....and I lashed out, like I always do. Made sure I could still be wanted by someone, even if I couldn't be loved by the person I wanted."
"Well, I hope he was worth it."
"No Ness. Of course he wasn't. Nothing could ever be worth losing you over." She pauses. "But hey, at least some good has come of it, eh? You got out. You found someone that deserves you and makes you happy and now you're getting married so.."
"I didn't want to get out though, Charity. I wanted you to be my happy ever after. But you broke my heart. And I'll never, ever forgive you for that. But one day....one day I'll eventually stop loving you."
Charity's head shoots up at this, her eyes wide. She hopes that day never comes. Because she knows it never will for her.
"You can't say things like that, Ness.." she says shakily.
"Like what?"
"That you'll stop loving me. Because....because that means you haven't yet. That you still love me. And if that's true then I'll fight....I'll fight for you. Every day. Whatever it takes."
"Whatever. You don't deserve me."
"Maybe. But when has that ever stopped me? You're it Ness. You're the kind of it I thought I'd never get....that I didn't think was real. So if there's even just the tiniest chance that we could try again.."
"Well there isn't! I don't trust you, and I can't risk you breaking my heart again. It hurts too much Charity."
"I wouldn't, I swear"
Vanessa scoffs. "As if that means anything!"
"I'm done playing games, Ness. I want family dinners, and sharing the school run, and your smelly overalls stinking out the washing basket, and fighting over who used the last of the shampoo and all that stuff I would have hated if it was with anyone else. But mostly I just want you, and our crazy family because that's what makes me happiest - and I know it made you happy too - and because.....because I can't stop loving you either. Don't you think that means something..?"
Vanessa studies her for a moment, her lip wobbling and tears threatening. "No." She whispers. "Because it was never about not loving you. I loved you so much more than you'll ever know and probably for so much longer than you ever realised because I didn't want to admit it too soon and scare you off. But you've broken my trust too many times and you can't build a future and a relationship without trust, Charity."
"I'll fix it!" she pleads desperately.
"How?!"
"I don't know. But I'll do anything, Ness, anything."
"It's too late."
"Please?" she whispers forlornly
"No, Charity."
Charity closes her eyes. The tears already running down her face against her will. She tips her head back to face the ceiling and takes a deep breath, releasing it as a sigh. When she opens her eyes again Vanessa is by the door.
"Bye Charity" she says softly
"Bye.."
She needs that bottle of wine even more now..