Chapter 25
Her Dad can't walk her down the aisle, obviously. So she's chosen Tracy to do the honours, and they've got as far as the foyer of the little hotel where they're having an intimate civil ceremony followed by a fancy meal and hopefully a good old boogie, all with their nearest and dearest. But there's a lump of nervousness balled up in her stomach that feels ominously like dread rather than excitement. She takes a deep breath and lets it out shakily.
"You okay, V?"
"Yep."
"Nervous?"
"Mmhmm"
"You'll be fine. Take another deep breath and let's get in there and find your bride. You'll feel loads better then."
Her bride.
She gives Tracy a tight-lipped smile. She tries to take the deep breath that Tracy mentioned but she feels like she's drowning. "Can we errr....can I just get some fresh air?" She asks shakily, her eyes darting between Tracy, the wedding coordinator and the doors.
"Yeah, of course we can." 'Two minutes' she mouths to the wedding coordinator who's waiting for Vanessa so they can start the ceremony.
They get outside and Vanessa drops down onto a bench overlooking the grounds, dragging in deep lungfuls of air, her eyes closing in relief. Tracy follows behind then sits herself down on the bench and watches Vanessa for a moment.
"What's going on V?"
"Nothing. Just needed some air that's all." She says, slightly more defensively than she intended.
"Okay." Tracy replies, with more than a hint of uncertainty. "But you do want to do this, right?"
She swallows nervously, hoping the lie will come out a bit easier and her tears can be kept at bay without this lump in her throat. "Yeah. Course." She tries to convince herself as much as Tracy.
"You're sure?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" She snaps defensively.
"Well....I don't know but you've just....you've not seemed that excited about it all.."
"Well I am!"
Tracy doesn't appreciate Vanessa's snappiness when she's just trying to be supportive so her own response comes out a bit more accusingly than she meant it to. "If you say so. I was there though, remember, when you were meant to marry Charity, and it was nothing like this!"
And that's it. That's all it takes. One mention of her name and the dam breaks. Tears stream down her face and she lets out a sob, quickly slapping her hand to her mouth to try and stop any more from escaping. But it's futile. And suddenly she's wracked with sobs that she's got no control over.
Tracy looks utterly bewildered for a second then quickly slides along the bench to her sister and pulls her into hug, rocking her whilst she cries. After a while, when Vanessa's got herself under control a bit, Tracy lifts her head up from where it had been resting on the top of Vanessa's so that she can see her sister a bit better. "Does this mean what I think it means?" She asks gently.
Vanessa looks up at her, her eyes pleading with Tracy not to judge her or be disappointed with her. "I hate her, Tracy. I hate her. But I....I don't know how to stop loving her." The sobs overtake her again.
Tracy sighs. She'd known all along. Of course she had. As much as Vanessa had tried to convince everyone that this relationship was perfect there just wasn't that spark in her eyes like there was with Charity. Eyes that, despite her best efforts, always drifted to Charity if they were in the same room. And as much as she hated Charity for hurting her sister, she had to admit that when they were together she had loved Vanessa fiercely.
"So....what are we doing?" She asks quietly.
"I don't....I don't know." Vanessa admits.
"Well" she tries again "are you getting married today?"
Tracy watches as her sister looks up at her again, more tears tracking down her cheeks, she swallows and then her face crumples before she shakes her head almost imperceptibly.
"Okay". She pauses. "Right, well, first things first: you need to tell Kate."
Vanessa sags. She hates that she's going to have to hurt Kate. On their wedding day of all days. But she can't marry her. It wouldn't be fair, on anyone. She nods.
"I'll go get her."
"Thanks." She manages to reply dejectedly.
Tracy heads back inside and a minute later, Kate steps outside looking around for her bride. As soon as she lays eyes on Vanessa, and her tear-streaked face, her shoulders drop and a rueful half smile comes to her face. She knows, Vanessa thinks. Kate comes over and takes the seat that Tracy had recently vacated. Vanessa takes Kate's hands in her own, holding them on Kate's lap, her eyes fixed on their hands.
"I'm sorry" she whispers
"It's her, isn't it?"
"I'm sorry." She says again, a little stronger this time.
Kate sighs. "We could have been happy. I would have given you everything, you know."
Vanessa nods. Because she knows it's true. But she also knows it's true that she couldn't give her the same in return. And that wasn't fair on Kate.
Kate releases her hands from Vanessa's gentle grasp and stands up, leaning back down to place a kiss on Vanessa's head before walking away. Vanessa watches her. She sees her hands come up to cover her face and her shoulders start to jump. She's done that. She's caused that pain. She's broken Kate's heart for someone that's broken hers.
After a sleepless night where she'd been wracked with guilt and doubt she wanders through the village towards David's under the pretence of getting some milk, but really she just wants to get away from Tracy and her sympathetic gaze and constant cups of tea. She looks up and sees Charity step out of David's and head down the street towards her. Great. The one person she'd hoped to avoid. Obviously she was never going to be that lucky.
"Hey." Charity says once they reach each other. "Congratulations and that." She adds without the slightest trace of enthusiasm or sincerity.
"Thanks." She pauses. "Not married though." She holds up her left hand and shows Charity her bare ring finger.
She hears the little gasp that Charity takes before she looks at her confusedly for a second.
"Oh. Right. Sorry." She manages to stutter out.
Vanessa can see the questions swimming behind Charity's eyes as they look at each other. "See you later." She offers before Charity can ask any of them.
"Yeah. Yeah, bye." She replies, still flummoxed by what's happening and not showing any signs of moving.
Vanessa carries on past her towards the shop and Charity watches her go, rooted to the spot. When she reaches the shop she turns and looks back down the road, catching Charity's eye. Her heart thuds in her chest and she sighs frustratedly. Maybe she'll just have to come to terms with the fact that it'll always be Charity, no matter how much she tries to fight it.