Chapter 17
Charity stumbles into Brook Cottage looking rather shell shocked and flops herself down unceremoniously onto the nearest seat whilst trying to take some steadying breaths.
"Charity? Are you alright, pet? Has something happened?"
"She's here, Diane. She's back" she says, looking like a rabbit in the headlights
"Who is?" As soon as she asks the question she realises who Charity is talking about. There's only one person who would affect her like this. "Oh, I see. Okay, well that's good isn't it?"
"It's....yes....no" she scrubs at her face with her hands "I don't know!" she throws her hands in the air frustratedly, then suddenly jumps out of her seat "I need to see her!" and she moves to head back out of the door.
"No, no, no Charity! Sit back down"
"No I need to talk to her. And I need to ask her about seeing Johnny, Diane!"
"I agree." She pauses. "But not right now"
"What? Why not?!"
"Because you're all worked up. You need to calm down and think about how you want to approach this. Come on, I'll make us a brew"
Charity reluctantly retakes her seat and runs a shaky hand through her hair. Soon enough Diane comes back with two mugs of tea.
"Right then. So how do you know she's back?"
"Well, 'cause I saw her didn't I?! Outside Tracy's house"
"Okay. So she's staying with Tracy and little Frankie?"
"How do I know, Diane?!"
"I know you're upset, Charity, but I'll take less of that attitude thank you very much." She says firmly but calmly. "So you didn't speak to her?"
Charity takes another deep breath. "Sorry Diane. My head's a mess. I just....I just didn't think I'd ever see her again" she whispers, on the verge of tears. "I could barely breathe. I saw her from across the street and before I knew what I was doing I'd legged it back here"
"Oh pet" a sympathetic tone to her voice. "And that's exactly why you're not going over there today"
Charity looks at her questioningly.
"You're not in control of your emotions. Look, give her a couple of days to get settled in, and for you to get used to the fact that she's here. And then when you're ready you can have a calm and civilised conversation with her - one that you've thought through, instead of tearing in there now like a whirlwind"
"But what do I say to her?"
"Well, that's up to you love. But whatever you say to her you make sure it's calm, and measured, and respectful. Don't go in there all guns blazing, okay?"
Charity nods in agreement, hoping she can stick to the advice. She's getting better at not just exploding at everyone all the time and being argumentative, but she just doesn't know how well she'll be able to control her emotions when it comes to Vanessa.
"And what if she says no to me seeing Johnny?"
"Well, then you respect that decision and you leave her be"
"But he's my son too, Diane. I should be able to see him!"
"That's as may be, but you two have got a lot to work through so if you have to play the long game then you play the long game. Let her realise that you're serious by being a grown up about it and showing her that you can be dependable, and a good Mum and positive influence on the little lad"
Charity scoffs. "Fat chance of that!"
"I've seen you with Moses. I know you can do it. You just need to believe that for yourself"
Charity doesn't seem entirely convinced but now that she's calmed down a little she's less inclined to just go storming over there demanding to speak to her and to see Johnny.
The next couple of days gives Charity plenty of time to think about exactly what she wants to say to Vanessa and to prepare herself for any answers and comments from her ex that she may not like. She's determined to get this right and start building bridges, even if she can't get her love back.
She spots her opportunity when she's leaving the café one morning with a latte in hand and sees Vanessa walking up Main Street towards the vets.
"Ness?" she rasps
Vanessa keeps walking. She's not sure if she didn't hear her or is deliberately ignoring her but she takes a breath and tries again a little louder.
"Ness"
She stops this time and turns towards Charity but doesn't really attempt to make eye contact with her.
"Hi. Erm....can we errr.....can we talk?"
"I haven't really got anything to say to you Charity and I'm busy right now - I'm off to see Paddy at the vets" And with that she goes to turn away and leave
"Well, later then? Or tomorrow? Or whenever you're free. Please? Ness?" Charity pleads following her
Vanessa lets out a huff. "Why?"
"Well, because I think we should talk about what we want to do with the kids. Moses has been asking where his brother is. And I don't want us not being able to be grown up about this to be the reason they don't see each other."
Vanessa's expression softens at that and she sighs
"Okay. Fine. Half two. Your place" and she walks off
Charity allows herself a small smile - she's chalking that up as a win. Now she just has to get the next part right.
"Oh, Ness. I'm erm....I'm living at Diane's now. Not sure if anyone's told you"
Vanessa looks at her questioningly as if she's going to ask her about it but then thinks better of it and carries on towards the vets.
As hard as she tries she can't stop the nervous hand-ringing and pacing up and down the living room as she waits for a knock on the door. When it finally comes she nearly jumps out of her skin. She takes a deep breath and tries to swallow down her nerves, heading for the door. Vanessa's stood there looking....awkward? Uncomfortable? She's not sure. But it makes her so sad that things are so different to how they used to be between them.
"Come in"
Vanessa heads through and hovers in the living room looking a little lost in these unfamiliar surroundings
"Have a seat. Do you you want a brew or anything?"
"No ta" she perches on the edge of a seat cushion without taking her coat or bag off.
She's not planning on staying long then, Charity thinks disappointedly.
"How.....how are you?"
"Fine"
God this is going to be like pulling teeth
"Have you had any more appointments?"
"Not really any of your business any more is it?"
Charity sighs. "Sorry. I just wanted to know you're okay. I still care about you, Ness" I still love you, she thinks. Not that you'd want to hear that.
"I'm fine" she reiterates, slightly less clipped than the first time
"Ok, good. I hope so" she's not sure what to say next, but luckily she doesn't have to try and think of something
"How long have you been living here?"
"Erm, since February"
"Why?"
"Because..." she doesn't want to have to say it but Vanessa's sure to find out soon enough. She's surprised she hasn't already. Maybe she has and she's testing her to see how economical she'll be with the truth, she thinks. Well, she's got nothing to lose so.. "Because, I lost it all, Ness. You, Johnny, the rest of my kids, my family, my home, my business. I drank myself stupid for a while and made a string of bad decisions for an even longer time until everyone hated me and chucked me out - of the family, of Jacob's Fold, of The Woolpack. Pretty sure they would have preferred it if I'd just topped myself. Well, I know they would. They told me so. But hey. Nothing less than I deserved. I was a mess."
"Why?"
"Talkative aren't you?" She says sarcastically. "Sorry." She pauses. "Why do you think, Ness?"
Vanessa doesn't reply
"I couldn't cope without you. I'd destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to me and so I just destroyed everything else as well. Didn't seem worth trying without you there."
Now she definitely doesn't know what to say. And it seems Vanessa doesn't either. There's an awkward pause until Charity remembers why she'd asked to see Vanessa in the first place.
"Anyway, I'm getting myself sorted. I've got a new job, Moses is home, Noah's kind of talking to me and Chas has pretty much forgiven me. But I'd love to be able to see Johnny. And for Moses to see him. If it's okay with you.."
"I agree that Johnny and Moses should still see each other. I don't want my son spending time with you though"
That hurts. "Our son" she whispers
"My son. You gave up any rights to him when you broke both of our hearts and tore our family apart"
Charity closes her eyes, biting her lip in an attempt to keep her tears at bay. It doesn't work. "Okay" she whispers, then tries to pull herself together. "Is he okay though? Can I....can I see any pictures of him?"
Vanessa is surprised by the lack of verbal sparring from her ex, expecting to get into a slinging match. For the second time that day she gives in to Charity's request, and flicks through her phone until she pulls up the most recent pictures she'd taken of Johnny - one at the park near her Mum's and then one with Frankie not long after they'd arrived at Tracy's.
Charity breaks into a massive smile when the phone is nudged in front of her, but the tears don't stop rolling down her cheeks. He's changed. Not massively, just a couple of noticable little things. They grow so quickly at that age. "He looks like a natural with Frankie" she says wetly "Thank you, Ness. You've no idea how much I've missed him. Both of you." She swallows and looks Vanessa in the eye. "I'll respect your decision, Ness and I won't keep asking you to change your mind. But I won't stop trying to prove to you that I deserve to be in his life either."
Vanessa is once again taken aback by Charity's calm demenour and what seems like honest conviction. "You can bring Moses round for a couple of hours this weekend if you'd like, and then I'll bring him back here. I'll text you."
"Thank you" She might not be able to see her son, but at least Moses can. He'll be bouncing off the walls when she tells him.
Vanessa gets up and heads towards the door which Charity takes to mean that they're done. Before she lets Vanessa walk out of the door though:
"Ness, I'm sorry. For everything. You didn't deserve what happened. And I'll never forgive myself for it so I don't expect you to either. But I need you to know how sorry I am. And how much you and Johnny will always mean to me."
She studies Charity for a moment. "Okay" she replies softly before walking out of the door.
Well, that definitely could have gone worse. She's glad she listened to Diane's advice and managed to stick to it. Now just to prove herself to Vanessa..