Chapter 11
"It's a simple question, Charity! Did you or didn't you sleep with him?!"
She's starting to regret asking the question because she can tell by Charity's nervous fidgeting and the way she can't meet her eyes that she's not going to like the answer.
With a wobbling lip she eventually whispers: "Yes"
"I knew it!" She says bitterly "Is there anything that comes out of your mouth that isn't a lie?! How long was it going on?" She demands. How is it possible that this woman can break her heart even more than she already had?
"It wasn't! I didn't lie! It was just that one stupid kiss when we were together. I didn't sleep with him until a couple of months later"
"Aww, nice cosy relationship. You don't normally wait that long before jumping into bed with someone" She knows she's being downright nasty. As nasty as the rest of the village had always been about her until Vanessa had helped them start seeing her differently. But she's just so angry and hurt right now.
Charity looks physically wounded by the venomous way Vanessa spits the words at her. She visibly sags, and can barely bring herself to look at Vanessa when she replies.
"Don't hold back, will you Vanessa?! It's good to know what you really think! We did a couple of scams together, okay?! And he kept pestering me no matter how many times I said no, until eventually I just....gave in" she finishes with a sigh
"What? Why? Why would you do that?"
"Why not?" she shrugs
"That's not a reason, Charity"
She sighs again. "Because it was easier than saying no. Because I didn't deserve any better. Because I'd given up - on you, on us, on me, on the kids." She lists off "And because I thought it might take my mind off what a complete mess I'd made of my life" she throws her hands in the air in exasperation
"And did it?"
"No." she admitted. "Just like the drinking. And the scamming. I just felt empty. I felt dirty. And it felt like.." she stops, not wanting to remind herself of what she'd done to Vanessa
"It felt like?" Vanessa questions
Charity takes a deep breath. "It felt like I was cheating on you....again" she whispers quietly, ashamed.
"But why? You said it happened later?"
"Yeah, it did. But I'd known for a long time that you would be the last and only person I ever slept with for the rest of my life. Because I only wanted you. Forever. So sleeping with someone else just seemed....wrong. It wasn't what I wanted, who I wanted"
"Shame you didn't remember that before you kissed him, eh?"
"I did. I was sat there crying over pictures of us together for God's sake! But my head was a mess. I thought you didn't want me, didn't love me. So I let his stupid flirting and flattery sweep me up and I went and sabotaged things, like an idiot, before you could break my heart"
"Well, I'm not going to argue with the idiot bit. But I was never going to break your heart, Charity. I can't understand why you would think that.."
She sighs. "I know that now. I just read it all wrong. And acted without thinking, as usual. I think I'd gone half crazy with missing you. You were all I thought about every day, Ness, and I wanted you to come home so badly. So when you scuttled off back to your Mum's with barely a word I thought that was it."
They both sit silently, taking the other in for a moment
"I'm sorry for doubting you. And for hurting you. You're the last person on this earth I wanted to hurt. But it's just what I do, isn't it? I hope you find someone that won't hurt you like I did. You deserve someone good, Ness"
She looks at Vanessa one last time and swallows the tears that are threatening to fall then stands and walks out, leaving Vanessa with her thoughts and her own tears.
***
"Well, isn't it better that it wasn't an actual attraction to him that led her to those actions?"
"No Rhona, it makes it worse! At least if she'd liked him and 'couldn't resist' him I could just hate her for betraying me and try and get on with my life without her. But as it is, it sounds like he took advantage of her when she was at her lowest. Twice! I hate him for that and it makes me so sad that she allowed herself to be worn down and used like that. After everything she's been through, and how much she's grown. It's like she's got no respect for herself and her own body any more. Like she thinks she deserves to just be some play thing for rotten men who have no regard for her, her body, her emotions. I know she hurt me. But she's worth so much more than that."
"Nessa, you can't keep fighting her battles for her and trying to get her to see her own worth. She needs to figure that out for herself. She's a grown woman"
"She's not really though is she? Emotionally. Let's be honest. No-one in this world, including her own flamin' family, has ever given her reason to think she's anything but worthless and so she's just gone back to believing that again"
"Okay" She pauses "But that's not your problem any more is it? Because you've chosen to move on with your life and leave her behind"
"Yeah, I know but.."
"You can't be everyone's hero, Nessa. Just concentrate on your own life, yeah?"
Easier said than done when it comes to the one and only Charity Dingle. The only person who's ever truly had her heart. Things were never simple when they concerned Charity, and this was no different.