Chapter 12
"Charity, can't you see how unhealthy that is?"
"What? Loving you so much that I can't live without you?!"
"Yes! Exactly! Charity, you can't go through life completely falling apart, neglecting the children in your care, binge-drinking, pushing everyone away, and going on scams because someone split up with you!"
"Not someone, Ness, you. This was so much worse because it was you. We can't all be perfect you know"
"I'm not perfect. Far from it. And I didn't want to live without you either. It hurt. A lot. But I did it, because the world keeps spinning no matter how broken your heart is, and because Johnny still needed his Mum. That doesn't mean I didn't break down in tears every night when he'd gone to bed. It doesn't mean I didn't get lost in my thoughts sometimes when I should have been giving him my full attention. But I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best I could each day"
"That's because you're a good Mum, Ness. Unlike me"
"No Charity. You're an amazing Mum and you're one of the strongest, bravest, most loving and thoughtful people I've ever met, when you put your mind to it. But you're also still that broken little girl that doesn't trust anyone, least of all yourself. And that's what you need. You need to trust yourself. You can't let all your happiness, all your self-worth depend on the love of someone else. You have to find that in yourself."
"You're the only person in my whole life that has made me feel like I am worth something. That I'm more than just a piece of meat"
"And that's still true: whether I'm right beside you or I'm 100 miles away, whether we're together or we're not. You are always worth knowing and worth loving, Charity, and you can be that person without me"
"I can't" she hiccups
"You can, I promise you." She pauses for a moment. "But maybe it would be good to let someone help you realise that.."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean.....that maybe you should talk to someone. A therapist."
"Because I'm a basket case?" she scoffs
"No, Charity! Because you've been dealt every possible bad hand in this life. Because you were discarded and abused as a child instead of being nurtured like you should have been. And then you've been treated badly by nearly every man that's come into your life. And that's left you with scars. And this feeling of worthlessness. But I want you to be able to see yourself the way I see you."
"I'm fine Vanessa. I don't need some posh nonce psycho-analysing me and spouting clap trap at me, making me talk about my feelings"
"Do you not think it could help..?"
"Other people maybe, not me. I've got through all of that on my own. Why should I suddenly get help now?"
"Because there's a lot to unpack, a lot of mental and physical trauma. Sometimes you need to break it down. Let yourself fall apart. So that you can rebuild the pieces even stronger than they were before. Please....just....think about it, yeah?"
Charity sighs. "Fine"
"Good" she gives Charity's arm a rub before heading out and leaving her to her thoughts
Later that evening Charity is still thinking about what Vanessa had said to her:
She doesn't need a therapist.
She's always got through everything her shitty life has thrown at her by herself.
She's never needed anyone's help before.
So why should she change that?
It's none of Ness' business anyway.
Except it kind of is.
And she definitely wants Ness.
Wants her love and support.
Maybe if she can 'rebuild' herself like she said then Vanessa might see the person she fell in love with.
And maybe, just maybe, there might be a chance that Vanessa could love her again.
And that's what sways it..