By the blinding lights

Sirens.

The rattling of handcuffs. Policemen raiding her home, dragging her mom from the couch and outside.

They order her outside, it’s cold, she’s only in her pyjamas.

Possession of drugs-

Substance abuse-

Theft-

A car door slams, she’s left on the street with the remaining officers. They ask questions, body search her, ask if she has any other family she can stay with.

Her mom gazes out of the police car, banging on the side of the door with her elbow, hands tightly cuffed behind her back.

They take her to a car, telling her she’s going to the station with them. 

A social worker is mentioned.

She begs the police to let her see her mom.

She’s sent to a quiet room in the station, an officer present and a lady who has kind eyes but professional motives.

There’s lots of grey, dull walls and cold floors. Judy can’t look at them, her foot drums against the table.

‘We’re you aware of your mothers drug abuse?’

‘Has she ever coerced you into participating in the use of drugs?’

‘Are you aware of-‘

‘Do you know how-‘

Judy jumps awake in a cold sweat, blankets twisted all together around her body as she struggles to escape from them. Her eyes roam around the room, the guesthouse, Jen’s guesthouse, and her breathing calms again. She focuses on a slow rhythm, rolling her heart to mirror the ticking of her Maneki-neko, eyes fixated on the arm of the cat as it moves up and down, up and down. She stands up and grabs a spare sheet and heads outside to the sun loungers, laying down on one of them and feeling her body cool instantly. It’s barely dawn, but Judy knows she won’t be able to sleep again, these nightmares haven’t occurred recently for a while but when they do she can never fall to sleep after them.

The quiet allows her thoughts to all come at her at once, she hadn’t had that particular dream in a long time, it used to be reoccurring, when she’d moved into her first foster home, The Russel Family, into a new bed, and then again for a few nights when she’d moved into her dorm at college. New roots always came with past thorns, memories of her mom being dragged away in the early hours of the morning, herself being sent to a temporary group home where the kids looked at her like she was something from the bottom of their shoe. It hadn’t happened on her first night in Jen’s home so she figured this time it was different, this time her current contention would cancel out the bad dreams. Perhaps it was because of yesterday, her emotions were all over the place after Steve and-

“Jude?”

Judy jumps, turning to look up at Jen, who’s looking at her confusedly.

“Oh! Hey.” Judy says casually, eyes roaming up and down Jen’s body, tight leggings and a lose shirt tell Judy she’s been running, there’s a light sheet of sweat on her forehead and she’s panting just a little.

“What are you doing out here?” Jen asks, coming closer.

“Oh just-“ Judy shrugs nonchalantly, “admiring the early morning view.”

Jen frowns like she doesn’t believe her, but her current state means she most likely just wants to get inside and have a shower, so she says “okay” and invites her inside instead of sitting out in the cold. Judy follows her and slides up onto the stool as Jen prepares herself a glass of water.

“Did you have a rough night?”

Judy shakes her head, “it was fine.”

“Alright…” Jen says, downing her water. “Well if you wanna talk about, anything.”

“Yep!” Judy stands then, goes to the cupboards to bring out a few eggs and slices of bread. She’ll make breakfast, it’s the least she can do. And she’ll pack the boys lunches and maybe make Jen one because she doubts the blonde makes her own. “You too!”

Jen puts a clammy hand over hers on the counter, stilling her for a moment. “I mean it.”

Judy smiles a little, not used to someone caring this much, especially after what she did. “Thank you.”

Jen pats her hand and then makes a ‘yuck’ sound, “I feel disgusting I’m gonna go shower.” She grabs her water bottle and takes it upstairs with her.

Judy hears the shower running a few moments later and lets it drown out the ugly dream she’d had earlier, downing a cup of coffee while making breakfast to spur her on.

*

Judy’s waiting for Charlie and Henry when they come downstairs, pancakes at the ready and syrup in hand. She’s still slightly nervous around the boys, well not nervous per say, more apprehensive, she wants them to like her, and trulyaccept her because they want her there and not just because their mom says so. Their opinion is important to her, the more she gets to know them the more they reveal, they’re smart kids but also troubled from losing a parent at such a young age, Judy knows better than anyone how that can have an impact.

Henry is a lot like she was when she was younger she thinks, he loves art and animals and is bubbly, he’s more outgoing than she was and she wonders where he gets all his confidence from. Maybe from his mother, Jen’s definitely not shy. Charlie is more like his mom, he’s practically a younger version of Jen, Judy thinks. He’s reserved and angry at the world but somewhere underneath his face there’s a softness, Judy just can’t wait for him to let her in, for him to be his full self around her, Jen didn’t wait long to show her true, adorable, funny, charming self and she hopes Charlie will soon feel comfort enough around her to do so as well.

“Morning Judy!”

Henry’s chipper voice spurs her into action, she gathers their plates and puts them on the breakfast bar.

“Morning, I made you pancakes…” Judy says, glancing at Charlie who’s hair is messy from sleep, he still looks halfasleep Judy thinks. As she sprinkles chocolate chips on Henry’s pancakes she raises her eyebrows at Charlie who nods, dragging the stool out to sit.

“Syrup?”

Henry nods enthusiastically and Charlie grunts a ‘yes’, she makes a rough heart on top of the pancake with it and slides the plates back towards them both.

“Orange or apple juice?” Judy goes towards the fridge and holds out cartons of both.

“Orange please.”

“Apple.”

She pours their respective drinks in glasses and slides that along the counter too receiving simultaneous thanks from the two of them.

“I made you peanut butter sandwiches for school is that okay?” Judy asks, opening their school bags ready to pop their lunches inside.

“Sure! Thanks Judy.”

“I usually get money for lunch.” Charlie’s says, and Judy’s face falls for a second until he says, “can I have that money for a new PS4 game instead?”

Judy smiles, relieved, and puts his sandwiches inside his school rucksack, adding an apple into each of their bags. “Well, you’ll have to ask your mom about that.”

Charlie rolls his eyes. “That’s a no then,” he says. He brings his plate to the dishwasher, empty, and turns to Judy. “Thanks for the pancakes.”

Judy grins, “no worries.”

Charlie sighs then, checking his phone after a ping signals a notification. “Ugh,” he types something back and then looks up halfway through his text. “Would you be able to drop me off at school? First period has been cancelled because our teacher is sick and they haven’t got cover, mom’s working so…”

Judy raises her eyebrows. “Of course! I’ll drop you off on the way to work.” She says, a little surprised he’s asked her but she’ll take this as a way of him reaching out, slowly accepting her.

“Thanks.” Charlie heads upstairs then and Judy hears him say ‘morning’ as he bumps into Jen on her way downstairs.

“Morning mom.” Henry says, “ooh you look nice!”

“Hey, thanks boop.” Jen strolls over and presses a kiss to his forehead, ruffling his hair after.

“Charlie says your dropping him off?” Jen asks, making her way round the kitchen to get a coffee.

“Yeah is that okay with you?”

“Course, thanks. Also, I told him no to the PS4 game.” Jen says, smirking a little as she averts her eyes to Judy while pouring milk in her mug.

Judy laughs lightly, grabbing a spoon to stir Jen’s coffee for her as she pours in the little milk so it’s slightly frothy. Her close proximity allows Judy to take in Jen’s outfit, Henry was spot on, she looks gorgeous, her hair is blow dried and Judy thinks if she ran her fingers through it, it’d feel like cotton wool or what clouds would feel like if you could touch them. The suit she’s wearing, black with a dark red blazer, gives off all sorts of power woman vibes, Jen could conquer the world in those heals and no one would batter an eyelid.

She moves away reluctantly to put the spoon in the skin with the other pots she’ll wash up before leaving. She grabs her own plate of pancakes which are slightly cold now, and sprinkles berries on top. Henry pats the stool beside her and she goes to sit beside him, he tells her about the art workshop they’re doing in school today, and Judy thinks it sounds exciting. Every now and then she glanced over at Jen, rushing around the kitchen and popping things in her work bag every now and then, she’s trying to gauge whether last night was a mistake and Jen doesn’t actually want her to stay, whether having her here is inconvenient and she’ll just be a burden if she stays. But when she glances again after hearing keys drop on the floor, Jen eyes meet hers and smile slightly, both averting at the same time with a certain amount of colour flooding their cheeks.

“I made you lunch.” Judy says, pointing to the fridge where it’s packed up in a container.

Jen looks around the various other foods and wine bottles, and then finds a box with a label on reading ‘Jen’ and a heart, with pasta salad inside. She turns around, pursing her lips.

“Thank you.”

“No problem” Judy says with a shrug.

Jen takes some folders, rearranging them in her bag so she can fit the lunch inside, and once it goes she looks up again at Judy and smiles. “Henry ten minutes…” Jen says after, rushing out of the room with keys dangling from her finger.

Henry finished his juice and thanks her again for the pancakes, “I’ll see you later,” and then heads upstairs.

“Have a good day at school.” Judy replies before getting started on the washing up.

Jen and Henry leave late by ten minutes, Judy’s in the guesthouse organising some more of her things when she hears the front door slam and two distant voices yell ‘bye Judy’, and then the skidding of tyres. Judy makes her bed, adding her multiple pillows on top and then straightening her tapestry when she notices it’s fell a little. She stands back to look, nodding when it’s in the right place.

Ted’s things take up a lot of the space in the guesthouse, Judy walks over to the desk to take a look. Jen mentioned he worked with music a lot, and it’s full of all sorts of equipment in here like drums, microphones, speakers… She walks towards a frame on his desk, it’s of the boys and him when they’re younger, Judy’s not sure how old, but Charlie has his front teeth missing and Henry’s practically a toddler. Judy thinks it’s strange that Jen isn’t on the photo, in fact she doesn’t think she’s seen one picture with her on in the house either. There’s lots of the boys, school photos, ones with their dad, but not one of Jen. Unless it’s hiding somewhere and Judy hasn’t seen it. Judy picks up a glass with whisky still inside and goosebumps appear all over her body as it sends a wave of chills and grief through her, the rim of the glass still has his lip print. She puts it down and wipes her hands on her skirt, feeling as if she’s just imposed on something she shouldn’t have.

She rounds the side of her bed to where her phone is charging and notices the time,. Quickly, she puts her coat on and unplugs her mobile, before heading inside to fetch Charlie. He runs downstairs and she reprimands him for it gently, before they head out of the door in toe and towards Judy’s car. Charlie comments on it not being ‘her style’ and it isn’t, but Abe left it for her when he gave up driving and she didn’t have one before, she used Steve’s. They hop in and Judy turns the radio on quietly until Charlie asks if he can play music through his phone. He hums quietly to the rap songs playing over the device and Judy eyes him more than one, how can he memories all of those words?

She drops him at school and waits until he’s all the way inside before heading to work. A text comes through on her way from Jen asking if she can borrow any packaging stuff from work so they can put Ted’s stuff in something to transport it to the storage place Judy has.

I’ll ask around, if not I can go pick some up on the way home x

She’s sent the text before registering that she’s used the word ‘home’ and now she can’t erase it. Autocorrect will take the blame if Jen’s weirded out by it, you’ve only been there five minutes Judy for gods sake. She drums her fingers on the steering wheel when she doesn’t get a text back straight away. Jen’s probably busy, Judy says aloud and before she can’t each for her phone to check if she has signal she clicks the radio on with her free hand instead.

Judy thinks she must have really messed up and she’s considering sending a ‘*back ‘ to correct herself when she arrives at work and there’s still no texts. It’s nearing 11, Judy wonders if Jen has had her break already, whether she makes her own breaks, Judy bets she does. She waves at Abe and heads over to where he’s playing a solo game of cards for distraction.

“Hey Abe.” Judy slides her coat off and hangs it behind her chair, sitting down beside him.

“You up for a game?” He asks, clearing up the cards into his hands to shuffle them.

“Sure.”

They end up playing go fish, and Judy’s got her cards balanced on every surface she can find in hopes that Abe can’t see them because there’s no way her hands can hold all of them, she’s losing too. They play one long game that takes them to lunch time and still there’s no text from Jen, just sighs after checking her phone for what’s probably the thousandth time.

“Have we got a third player?” Abe asks, Judy looks at him confusedly.

“Huh?”

He nods his head gesturing at her phone, “you’ve not put that thing down, is something wrong?”

Judy apologies and then shakes her head, “I’m just waiting for Jen to answer, we had sort of an argument last night; well a one sided sort of one because she was mad at me for something that she should’ve definitely been mad at if not more so than she is, and I said I was coming home on a text earlier and now she’s not replying.”

Abe frowns and dumps his cards on the table. “I win.”

Judy scoffs a laugh, “alright?”

“And don’t worry about it.” He pats her hand and is about to say something else before Judy’s phone chimes and she takes a look quickly.

“It’s Jen.” She says with a wide smile, and Abe rolls his eyes fondly at her.

“I’m going to grab some cake, it’s Helena’s birthday, you want some?” Abe says, standing slowly using the table as a support. He groans and stretches his back.

Judy nods, not looking up from her phone. “Thanks.”

Judy feels Abe leave, he knocks into the table with a grunted ‘fuck’ as he passes, and then she unlocks the text.

Never mind Lorna has loads in storage apparently, she says I can use it. What time will you be home?

Home. Judy feels a weight lift from her shoulders and replies quickly.

Good! I finish after my art class so if everyone behaves *rolling eyes emoji* I should be done by 6 x

A text comes back quicker this time.

See you then

An added,

xx

comes after and Judy grins.

“Here.” Abe comes back with her cake and she asks if there’s any left, it’s a three tiered one so she asks Helena later if she can take some home.

Helena says, of course she can take it.

For her family.

*

Judy arrives home to half the guesthouse turned upside down, boxes litter the walkway from the main house, and there’s a crash and a loud curse sounding inside. Judy hurries inside and dodges the rolling tambourine, clattering as it stops just outside the door.

“Um… hey.” Judy steps inside, over the speakers and photo albums and everything else.

“Oh, hey.” Jen says, Judy leans forward, trying to catch Jen’s eye, but the woman is focusing on…ripping up..what exactly?

Judy steps further inside, lowering her bag onto her bed amongst the other bags and boxes.

“Jen are you-“

“You know it was him who wanted to live here.” Jen shoves something in the trash can, half it it spills out on the floor and she angrily punches it further inside.

“Uhh Ted?”

“He wanted to buy all this stupid fucking music shit instead of a new car which we desperately needed, he wanted to have a house with a fucking enormous pool that hardly gets used… he wanted to keep all these stupid fucking photos even though they don’t mean a fucking thing anymore…”

Judy holds her hands out, cautiously, as if approaching a wild animal. “Jen what’s wrong?”

Jen tears the papers up she’s got in her hands, “you know what these are? Our fucking marriage papers, he didn’t even stick around enough to let me divorce him, fuck him…”

The papers fly around them like feathers from a startled bird as Jen just tears up anything she can grab a hold of, Judy’s got to stop this before she hurts herself, or somebody else. Although for some reason Judy thinks the one Jen wants to really hurt is already hurt enough six feet under ground. Or dust- she never asked whether he was cremated or buried or whatever else people do these days. A burial at sea, maybe-

“Jen just sit down for me please, tell me what’s going on?” Judy takes Jen’s wrist and tugs her towards the bed, there’s hardly any space so Judy shoved some things onto the floor so they can sit.

Jen slams herself on the bed, gripping the sheets in one hand. “Ted was having an affair.”

“What?”

“Yep, right in fucking front of me, he’s a coward that’s what he is, he’s a fucking-“

“How do you know?” Jen gives her an exasperated look, “I mean are you sure?”

Jen stands, retrieving a laptop from the desk in the corner and placing it on Judy’s lap, tapping on the screen. “Does that look sure?”

Judy narrows her eyes at the screen, showing Ted’s online conversation on a game website with some woman named ‘Bambi’. And they’re, not very PG. Judy winces and closes the laptop, placing it into a free space on the floor so she can comfort her friend. In any way she can. Probably the only way is to continue smashing up this room or to go find this Bambi and punch her. Neither of those are very healthy ways, maybe if Judy plays some of her metal rock type of music. She pats her thigh with a tut.

“God Jen I’m so sorry.” She says, knowing it can’t make anything better. She always had a feeling Steve was cheating on her, with their secretary Danielle, a young hot redhead that followed Steve around at work like a lost puppy. She’d never been sure or brave enough to ask him, but she has a feeling she wasn’t just a paranoid fiancé. Steve would probably say she was.

“Who even has an affair with some girl named Bambi I mean what is this fucking Universal Orlando?”

“I think Disney made-“

“Oh I know I’ve seen it maybe once…”

Judy sighs. “Did you ever have a feeling something was going on?”

Jen’s face morphs into one of ‘are you fucking kidding me’, and she shouts “of course not! If I did I wouldn’t have stayed with his boring ass for years.”

Judy holds her hands up, “okay, I just…never mind.” The last thing Jen needs is for her to pile on the fact that her fiancé was too having an affair and she never confronted him either, just practically let it happen. Jen’s better than that though, she can’t have known. Or even been suspicious, she has a feeling he’d not be getting off lightly if Jen had had any kind of incline.

“I mean, our sex life was basically non existent…” Jen says, shaking her head. “I thought it was because of me, but now I know it was because he was getting it everywhere else.”

Judy frowns, “why would it be because of you? You know this isn’t your fault right?”

Jen sniffs up, and Judy bends down to check she isn’t crying. She’s never seen Jen cry, isn’t sure she’d be able to handle it just yet without breaking down too. There’s tears in her eyes but they don’t fall, Jen blinds rapidly to stop them. Judy runs her hand along her knee hoping it’s comforting, if not grounding somehow. “It kind of is, we didn’t have a sex life any more after I had the operation.”

“Operation?”

“Double Mastectomy. Clearly Ted thought he’d be entitled to get what he wasn’t getting at home elsewhere.”

Jen says, so casually, and Judy’s still trying to process, wait-“you had cancer?”

“No, my mom had the gene, I got rid of them before it became a problem.” Jen says gesturing to her chest half heartedly.

“Wow, that’s so brave.” Judy says, repeats the latter half of her sentence when Jen shrugs like it’s nothing.

Jen stands then. “I need a drink.”

Judy stands quickly beside her, “well then let’s get you that drink,” and takes Jen’s hand to guide her around the mess over the floor. Jen pauses to look at the damage in the doorway, the room looks as if a bomb has exploded inside and she feels Jen’s hand tense in her own at the thought of having to clear this all up. To look at all of Ted’s stuff again and pretend like it matters where it ends up to the boys.

Judy rubs a hand up Jen’s arm and back to her hand, “come on, we’ll sort this later.”

Jen nods and let’s Judy lead her into the main house where she is poured a very large, multiple glasses of wine.

*

Dinner is the last thing on Jen’s mind so Judy suggest they order in, Charlie says he wants pizza with meat on it and she tells him ‘sure thing’ with a click of her fingers, he rolled his eyes, she thought it made her seem cool. Down with the kids and whatever they do these days.

Their food is delivered around 7 and the boys eat downstairs with them, the latest episode of ‘The Masked Singer’ plays in the background and they each have a guess who it could be, and once dinner is taken care of Charlie and Henry head upstairs with a quick ‘thanks for dinner’ to do their own thing.

Jen has been quiet all night, and whenever Judy takes a glance at her it’s like looking at a pot of burning lava waiting to boil over. Who can blame her?

Judy clears the empty takeaway boxes and then sits back on the sofa beside Jen with yet another glass of wine, she’s diluted it a bit this time but with how many Jen’s supped she doesn’t think she’ll notice.

“Fuck, the guesthouse is still a mess.” Jen says after taking a large gulp of wine, face relaxing as it slides down her throat.

“I can clear up some of it and then just leave the rest until morning.” Judy offers, switching the channel after getting a nod from Jen. An episode of ‘Friends’ is on so she goes with that.

“You can’t sleep in there, it’s a tip.”

“I’ve slept in worse places trust me.” The trailer, mom’s car, foster home number 3.

Jen gives her a look, if she wasn’t so intoxicated she’d probably push for more information about that. Instead she just sighs. “You can stay with me.”

“In your bed?”

Jen nods casually, while Judy’s heart is hammering. Sharing a bed with a friend isn’t bad, they already did that the other week, it’s sharing a bed with this Jen that seems-

“Are you sure?”

“Yep.”

“Thank you.” Judy side hugs her briefly and Jen leans into it slightly, although it could just be the wine finally catching up to her, she struggles to sit back up after.

“Oh god,” Jen rubs her fingers on her forehead.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have any more wine tonight.”

Jen nods, “seems like a good idea.” She leans back on the couch and closes her eyes. “You always have those.” She says softly, opening one eye to look at her.

Judy feels a swirling in her chest. She smiles back and says “thanks,” before taking the glass to wash out and suggesting they head up to bed now. Jen jokes that she’s eager and Judy feels herself turn red. Her arms immediately go to support Jen while she heaves herself up off of the couch and walks unsteadily up the stairs. It’s a familiar routine they go about before bed, Judy knows where everything is and she grabs night clothes from Jen’s drawer for them to wear. Jen doesn’t need help changing into them and Judy’s actually quite thankful because she doesn’t think she could stop her hands from shaking. Even drunk Jen is beautiful, there’s no doubt about it, like this she looks loose, her hair is messy and her cheeks are blotchy, the lazy smile on her face is the prettiest thing Judy has probably ever seen.

Judy brushes a hair away from the side of Jen’s face as they lay side by side, Jen staring dazedly at her. It’s familiar, tender, it’s moments like this that shocks Judy at the fact they only met a few weeks ago in a grief group, and Jen wasn’t exactly willing to speak to her. She persisted though because for some weird reason seeing Jen spitting out coffee in disgust and warning her that it was terrible had ignited a fire in Judy’s belly, a need to get to know this coarse, foul mouthed, genuine woman. Judy’s not sure what she’d have done if Jen hadn’t called that night, it’s as if she’s been waiting for whatever this is for a long time.

“I can hear you thinking, stop it.” Jen mumbles, half of her face squished into the pillow. That are extremely soft, Judy leans into the blankets further. Jen’s bed is so warm, cosy.

“Sorry, should I turn off the light?” Judy asks.

“Mhm.”

Judy leans back to flick off the lamp beside her bed, careful to mind the glass and tablets that she put there earlier for when morning comes and Jen’s hangover comes knocking.

“Night Jen.” Judy whispers, receiving a muffled ‘night’ back.

She waits until Jen’s asleep, all the way asleep, and then mirrors her breathing with her own and closes her eyes. It’s not long until she’s sleeping soundly, forgoing the worries of nightmares.

*

“Can I have the drums?”

“Nooo mom please can I have them?”

“Henry no that’s-“

“Okay please!” Jen stands with a huff, walking over to where they’re arguing over Ted’s drum set. Judy watches it unfold while she tapes the box she’s just packed the speakers into.

“Henry, you’ve already got his headphone ornament, let Charlie have the drums…” Jen says, as gently as she can but Judy knows she’s about to flip any minute. Judy stands from the floor them and heads over to them.

“But-“

“Hey Henry would you help me carry this box outside?” Judy asks.

Henry nods with a sigh, and Jen mouths a ‘thanks’ when Judy turns around to give a quick smile. Henry grabs one half of the box while Judy takes the most weight, and she walks backwards carefully to the car, putting it in beside the other bags and boxes they’ve already packed. They’d started tidying after breakfast this morning, Judy’s got the day off work and Jen called in sick, ‘it’s Saturday anyway who the fuck works on Saturday’, she had a mighty hangover this morning but brightened up after taking headache pills and breakfast. Jen had been the one to encourage the boys to help out, a sort of ‘last thing’ they could do for their dad, she didn’t want to keep any of his shit, not after finding out about the affair, but Ted was still their dad after all, and Jen seemed to know how important that was. To have a piece of him. Judy wishes she had a piece of her mom, it’s not the same but-

“Come on Judy these are the last ones.”

Judy nods, closing the trunk that’s now full, they’ll have to use the back seats instead of making two trips.

Judy follows Henry, telling him to be careful when running down the garden. Charlie carries his drums inside and Jen asks Henry to help open the doors for him, he reluctantly agrees.

Judy smiles gently as she closes the door behind them, it’s practically empty in here now, except for her things and the remaining bags. Jen’s sat up against the bed flipping through a photo album it looks like, and Judy lowers herself to the floor to sit beside her.

“Just checking in.” Judy says, “are you alright?”

Jen rolls her eyes but there’s a small smile playing on her face. “I’m fine. It’s strange seeing this room not full of his shit but-“ Jen let’s out a sigh. “I feel better, like I shouldn’t have put it off for this long.”

Judy pats her shoulder, letting her hand rest there. “I’m glad I could help.”

Jen turns her head to look at her with an appreciative smile, and then looks back down.

“Is that Charlie or Henry?” Judy points at the baby pictured in the top right of the album.

“Henry. Camera’s were shit when Charlie was born.” Jen says with a lightly, airy laugh.

“It is good quality.” Judy agrees, tracing over the photo before Jen turns the page.

Judy looks outside, where the boys are carrying the last of the bags inside the car.

“No way, I can’t believe I still have this.” Jen says, prompting Judy to look at the drawing in her hand.

It’s of a girl, a black and white sketch with smudges and shading, she’s looking off towards the side of her, posing unconsciously.

The blonde poses beautifully without even knowing it.

Wait. Judy holds her hand out, “can I see that?”

“Sure.” Jen hands it to her gently, the papers a little crinkles from age, a tiny tear in the top corner and creases from where it’s been folded. There’s a whole in the top too, as if it’s been pinned up somewhere before.

Judy frowns, tracing the sketch lines on the page. Of a girl that Judy now believes is Jen, on a subway-

It hits her like a wave would at the ocean, overpowers her and drowning her in the memory. All of a sudden she’s fifteen again, leaning over, tapping a strangers knee who looks up immediately and moves a phone away from her face, a questioning smile.

Judy drops the paper in her hand and turns to Jen, she’s tearing from the memories and- they’re friends now, she’s living with Jen, her Jen.

“Oh my god-“ Judy cups her hands over her mouth, suddenly taking in every inch of Jen. Her teal blue eyes, her perfectly shaped nose that she captured on the drawing, the smile that’s grown harder with age and hurt and experience yet softer and humble. Judy takes Jen’s hand, remembers holding them and they were always cold, even now, Judy’s warm ones envelop Jen’s.

“Judy what?” Jen laughs, and Judy’s catapulted into the happy memories they shared together, the beach, the swings, sharing pizza on cold work and dance nights.

She doesn’t even know how to tell her, that they’ve known each other all along. That somehow they lost touch, Judy got ripped away from everything she knew, Jen included and dumped in a foster home on what felt like the other side of the world. What if Jen hates her for not contacting? But… There was no way of doing so, Judy never had a phone, that was always the problem. So close to something amazing yet so far away.

Judy must have gotten herself worked up because Jen’s turning to her and pulling her hands away from her face to hold them in between them both. “Judy what are you doing?” Jen shakes her head frowning.

Judy swallows. “I drew this picture Jen.”

Jen tilts her head, picking the drawing up again. “You-“

Judy waits for it to hit her and sees it in waves.

“Oh my-“ Jen’s jaw drops and her eyes stare at the floor as she thinks, as she travels through the past unlocking the few amazing weeks they spent together. It wasn’t long, just one summer in New York City, a random meeting on a subway one evening. A couple of sleepovers, a lot of laughs. Two lonely souls ripped apart and forced to carry on existing without the other even though it felt like loosing an arm, a piece of one another.

“That’s why…” Jen reaches forward and rolls up Judy’s sleeve, showing the crescent tattoo that had only been a drawing in felt tip pen back then. “I remembered this, you used to draw it on yourself and say that when you turned 18 you were gonna get a tattoo just like it, you started to say that that this was the moon and we were the two stars…” Jen traces the outline softly with her finger tip, looking up to meet Judy’s eyes.

“And no matter where we were we could look up at the moon and know…”

“That we would both be looking at it no matter where we are.”

They finish in sync and bubble over into laughter, a little tearful, shocked and painful all at once. Judy remembers looking up at the sky after she arrived in her new group home, it had been the first time she hadn’t spoken to Jen. She knew it was the time Jen finished dance when the moon finally appeared in the evening sky, imagined her alone on the subway, headphones as big as the day they met. Weeks after they were torn apart, wondering whether Jen still looked up at the moon for her.

She always did.

“I can’t believe it’s you.” Jen says, taking a look at the drawing again. “I haven’t seen this in years, I think the last time was when we moved here and I transferred everything from New York…”

Judy shakes her head, it seems like a dream that she can’t fully remember but is slowly recalling, putting back pieces of the puzzle.

“So, Ted, is the guy you kissed during spin the bottle?”

Jen grimaces, “please don’t remind me of that party.”

Judy laughs, “it wasn’t pretty.”

“I think I almost threw up afterwards.”

“You kissed me afterwards.”

Judy says and it turns quiet suddenly, as if she’d said something she should but had to be said. Jen nods slowly, not quite smiling but there’s a questionable glint in her eye, a cautiousness, a slight boldness.

 “Yeah.” She smiles then, she can’t help it. “I seem to remember you kissing me back.”

“Oh I did.” Judy affirms, a nod of her head.

“This is all-“ Jen shakes her head trying to find the right words.

“Crazy?”

“Yeah, it’s fucking crazy, and I’m sure there’s a lot we wanna talk about, I mean, I’d like to know what happened to you…” Jen says, tilting her head sympathetically.

Judy nods, a tight lipped, half smile.

“But I’m starving so, wanna talk about it later tonight or something? I just, don’t fancy sharing our teenage, sorta romance story with my sons over dinner.” Jen says, offering a hand as a promise, that they will talk about it.

“Come on, Charlie may have killed Henry by now.” Judy takes Jen’s hand, squeezes it once and then uses it to pull her up.

“I swear, if drums are mentioned around the dinner table…”