By the blinding lights

The boys are turning in for the night and Judy is taking her time with Henry, he wanted a story before bed; they’re reading Harry Potter, and while Henry usually slows the process by asking a lot of questions during reading, she would know, Jen can’t help but worry that Judy is stalling. She knows it’s stupid but once they’d caught up with the universe and realised who they were, and had been, to each other, her stomach had warmed but had sparked a pain, hundreds of questions and guilt. All those years ago she’d promised to keep Judy’s secret, and she couldn’t-didn’t, and Jen knows it’s stupid to blame herself because obviously it was the right thing to do, but after seeing that drawing and Judy and remembering everything it’s as if she was a teenager all over again, crying for hours on end in her room silently because Judy had just disappeared and she’d believed it was her fault. No matter how many times her mom had assured her she was just protecting Judy by telling her the truth she blamed herself for Judy getting taken away, she assumed by the police or social workers, knew Judy didn’t want anyone like that involved and that even if she did see her she may not ever want to speak to Jen again.

Jen gathers her thoughts while changing into her pyjamas for the night, once she’s finished folding her clothes away she heads downstairs and locates the drawing, pausing to take it in again. She looks so young, carefree, it makes her wish she was that age again, worrying about whether she’d remember her dance correctly or what poem to use for an English assignment her school forced her to complete instead of about mortgages and cheating husbands and…death. Not that she regrets her life, maybe a few decisions she made but, she’s ended up with two amazing children, a lovely home and a decent job. There are a lot worse things that she could be.

Jen hears the door of Henry’s bedroom door close and the padding of Judy’s feet along the upstairs hallway, so she quickly takes the photo, checks that the doors are locked and the lights are off, and then heads upstairs. The bedroom door creaks as she opens it slowly, Judy turns around with a smile, already wrapped up in checkered pyjamas that look slightly too large for her. Jen smiles at the sight softly and walks further inside.

“Henry asleep?”

Judy nods. “Didn’t even reach the end of the chapter.” She says as if she’s actually quite upset about that.

“Sorry.” Jen says with a fond roll of her eyes. “Oh,” she holds the drawing up and makes sure Judy sees as she takes folds it inside of an old frame that was empty on her desk, then she takes it to her bedside drawers and places it carefully on top, tilting it until it’s perfectly in display. “There we are.”

And Judy can’t resist anymore, she walks around the bed and engulfs Jen in a hug. There are hugs that are of gentle arms, that still gives the space to breathe, and then there are the hugs with strong arms that tells everything that your are - body, brain and soul - that they are with you. Judy’s is the latter, her arms wrap around Jen’s neck, linking at the back while she rests her head against the side of Jen’s. Blonde hair practically tangling into brunette, melding together as Judy squeezes her with everything she has. Once she regains the air that had been knocked out of her, Jen hugs back just as tightly, an ‘I missed you’, ‘we’re here, together now’, perhaps an ‘I love you and I think I always did’.

Just when the world seems to melt away around them, Judy pulls back, only slightly though, just enough to take Jen’s hands between them, cupping her fingers, and look into her eyes. “I’m sorry about your mom, I only just realised- when I was reading a story to Henry, there was a photograph of him and your dad that I must not have seen when I first got here….” Judy says quietly, sympathetic eyes meeting Jen’s.

Jen doesn’t say anything, she just nods, Judy understands, she always does.

They gravitate towards the bed, sliding all the way inside until they’re sat against the headboard and the sheets are pulled up to their waists. It’s hard to know where to start, so much has happened. Jen thinks back to the day after telling her mom about Judy, remembers answering even more questions about it that next morning. It’s mostly a hazed memory, something she’d rather forget, it was the first time she’d truly felt as if she’d lost someone even though Judy was just gone, not gone gone, she’d practically grieved their friendship for weeks after until it got too hard, until keeping up with college and dance and her extra curricular activity in the Chicago show-helping with backstage wasn’t exactly fun but it gave her experience, a way in-had overwhelmed the deep sadness about losing her best friend. It was a distraction until it wasn’t, until it become what she lived and breathed for.

She wants to know about Judy and where she went, what happened to her mom, what she studied in college, whether she got another waitressing job, how she met Steve, why she met Steve because what on earth did Judy do to deserve that. Jen starts easy though.

“Do you remember that time I didn’t catch the train once and you thought I was friend breaking up with you?”

Judy slaps her on the shoulder lightly, “stop!” And her cheeks turn red. “That’s so embarrassing!.” Judy shakes her head, “and it was more than once.”

“It was sweet.” Jen pouts jokingly mirroring Judy’s, and she receives another light slap to the side of her cheek, it’s more of a pat, and Judy’s hands are freezing so she takes it and brings them under the coves for warmth.

Judy shakes her head, looking over at the turned off tv with a distant look in her eye, in deep thought as her laughter dies down. “I still can’t believe it, you’re here, we’re here together after all this time.”

Jen nods in silent agreement, noticing a wave of sadness overcome Judy’s features. It’s too late to stop and the tears spill from Judy’s eyes, “sorry! God” Judy sniffles, a choking sound escaping from her throat as she tries to compose herself, “I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

Jen shakes her head, “I have no answers for you there honey…” she says, letting out a sigh. Her thumb runs circles over Judy’s knuckles.

“I felt so sad, for such a long time after.” Judy admits, using her other hand to dry under her nose and her damp cheeks, wringing the sheets tightly in her fist when she lets it fall back to the bed. “It was horrible, I loved being with you, I wish we had more time together then…”

Jen feels herself welling up and bites down on her lip to stop the sob escaping, goosebumps cover her arms and she has to take a shuddering breath before replying. “Me too.” She manages before feeling a tear roll down her cheek and she says “fuck” under her breath and as Judy turns to her she can’t hold them back anymore. Her shoulders collapse and she has to look away from Judy’s concerned eyes.

“God Jen, we make a pair don’t we?” Judy says, shuffling forward to lean into Jen’s arms, opening instinctively for Judy, who melts into her chest as she lays against the blonde.

Jen can’t speak, so she nods against Judy’s head and tries to count seconds or whatever to calm herself because it feels like she’s sinking, suffocating and Judy’s her anchor, the one that grounds her and always has. But she’s sinking too, Jen holds her tight as she cries even more, but at least she’s not alone, she can be sad just...with her.

She finds a way to cheer her up once she’s collected her own emotions which are a mix of sadness, relief and grief. Jen kissed her head and spots the moon outside, it’s crescent shaped tonight and Jen thanks whatever is up there, thanks the universe for it, she points it out to Judy who sits up to see, awe in her teary eyes as she gazes outside through the window, the view from Jen’s bed capturing the starry night perfectly. It serves as a happy reminder of star gazing at the lake with Judy, and she turns to look at her now, the same purity and beauty radiating from her as it did back then, Jen wonders how still, she manages to be the light amongst the darkest times, the star upon the blackest of nights.

Judy catches her staring and smiles anyway, Jen can’t find it in her to be embarrassed at being caught gazing at her friend, she just keeps looking, a look of adoration and love.

Judy tells her about her foster families, the Russell’s, the Jackson’s who she thought were so cool because they had the same name as the singing group, Emily and David, William and Lisa, and by the time Judy’s finished giving her a description of her time at each and every single one of them she finds her fists clenching, she wants to punch them all for even daring to give someone as amazing as Judy up. The first end up deciding fostering isn’t there thing, Judy was their first child and Judy said she was too much for them. The Jackson’s had her for the winter, Judy recalls spending Christmas Day with them and their other children, Elliot and Katie, there was Christmas lights and food and Christmas movies. It was one of her first Christmases where she felt part of the festive spirit instead of on the outside of it, her mom didn’t used to do much for the day but Judy liked to decorate her room anyway with paper tree decorations and handmade holly. It wasn’t as if she got as much presents as their real kids kid, Judy says, but remembers receiving a new pair of shoes that she wore every day after, until they had sellotape around the souls and holes in the front and Judy had to give them up. By new year she was back in the group home, the Jackson’s deciding on trying for another baby. Judy doesn’t talk much about Emily and David, apart from how they were a fairly old, conservative type couple with a cat. Lisa and William were her last before she went off to college, Judy tells her Lisa was like an angel sent from god, she was so kind and cared about everything, her husband William was the problem. Jen discovers he was most likely an alcoholic, and those and foster children never mix well.

Jen wishes she hasn’t had to go through all that, Judy says it was rough but she doesn’t wish to change any of it, it’s “character building and made me who I am today” she says with a shrug. “And it ended up leading me back to you.”

A whir of guilt crawls it’s way into the pit of her stomach, a younger, more naïve self telling her how this is all her fault. She distracts herself by brushing a hair away from Judy’s eyes and slotting it behind her ear, hand lingering for a little bit to tell her “I think you’re amazing.”

Judy shyly raises her shoulders, leaning into Jen’s hand until it falls back to her own lap. Judy misses it there, so she reaches for Jen’s hand and holds it in one of her own. “I think you are.”

Jen’s throat clams up, and she nearly cries again because Judy truly means that, and no one has ever been as kind as she is towards her. No ones ever said she’s amazing, she isn’t. But Judy thinks she is and that’s coming from the most wonderful fucking person that has ever walked the earth.

Judy makes her brave enough to tell her about her mom, how one day she was so sick that she couldn’t get out of bed. Jen remembers it like yesterday.

Blood. So much blood, Jen tries to avert her eyes while her dad wipes it from around her moms mouth but she can’t look away, like when there’s a car accident and something sick and perverse makes you want to see what happened. Her eyes are transfixed on her mom, so much that she doesn’t hear the paramedic team barge through the door and ask her to step aside. She jolts out of her trance when a lady moves her to the side gently with a nudge to her shoulder.

Her dad stands aside, his arms coming up to his head, hooking them behind his neck. Blood is on his t shirt, the sheets, the littered tissues.

Jen feels sick. She has to leave, grab a glass of water and count to ten to ease the nausea. She feels dizzy and she’s desperately trying not to cry.

For some reason it didn’t feel like the other times, when her mom was carried out in the stretcher it felt like an ending, it felt like she wasn’t coming home.

“I was 19, my dad basically fell apart after that by ignoring his grief and working non stop, he’d barely talk to me.” Jen scoffs then, leaning her head on the back of her hand, arm propped up against the headboard. “I guess I’m more like my dad than I realise.” After Ted she’d basically done the same thing.

“My grandma Lynn insisted I stay with her for a while even, my dad wasn’t eating, he was drunk a lot of the time, and he barely left his office. By the time I’d left college I’d only visit on occasions, Christmas, birthdays, moms anniversary, until eventually all that stopped too.” Jen doesn’t know if she’d want a relationship with him now, so much has happened, she might not even recognise him on the street. The last time she’d seen him was when Henry was born, Charlie had met him twice, he’d not contacted and she hadn’t either. Last she knew he was living in North Dakota with his partner Stefanie and her son who never left home Nathaniel. It’s ironic, she’d give anything to have her mom back here, for her boys to be able to meet her, while she doesn’t even speak to the parent that’s still around.

“I don’t speak to my mom either, you’ve probably figured-“ Judy starts, “She was arrested and I had to give evidence at court through video, they told me to tell the truth and I did and that’s why she’s there.”

“No, she’s there because she broke the law, she dabbled into drugs and whatever else-“

“They found a large jewellery collection when they searched the trailer, she’d stolen it, obviously.” Judy adds.

“See, it’s not your fault.”

Judy shrugs. “She thinks so.”

“Well, who cares what she thinks?”

“Me, I shouldn’t but-“ Judy stutters, there is no sensible reason why she still cares, she knows that much, Abe had always told her to not care about what she thinks, he didn’t believe in ‘deserves’ but he’d always said her mom didn’t deserve Judy’s time or care.

“But you do because she’s your mom and for a long time, she’s all you knew.” Jen says, it sounds like the whole situation with her and Ted, she shouldn’t have cared what he thought about her fucking titlesschest but she did, doesn’t anymore-he’s dead, at least she’s free now, because for all those years it was only him, she’d never strayed or been a fucking cheater like he had.

“Yeah.” Judy says, smiling because Jen understands, she always does.

…

“That is so amazing!”

Jen tilts her head coyly. “It’s-“

“You’re practically a west end star.” Judy gushes.

They moved on from the heavy stuff to college, scholarships which Judy had applied for, like Jen had advised, dance and Jen’s few shows she performed in, ‘Chicago’, ‘Wiked’ and ‘My fair Lady’ were the main ones. Judy’s astonishment and then pride made Jens heart flutter, Judy saying she’s proud of her is probably the best thing she’s ever heard.

“I’m sad that you stopped dancing.” Judy says then, a pout on her lips.

“Ted was the only one allowed to pursue his hobby.” Jen says, a sarcasm lacing her tone. She rolls her eyes in disgust, she can’t believe that she ever stood for that, but someone had to be the responsible one for the kids, she couldn’t exactly leave them home alone while she fled to a dance class and Ted banged his head in a club to music for inspiration or whatever he fuck he did. She’s quite glad she was the one to give up what she wanted because it gives her a bonus, something to bring up to Lorna when she’s criticising her parenting skills. It proves she is a half decent mom at least, despite the boys often favouriting Ted, she could tell.

“You should go to a dance class again, I’m sure they do some around here.” Judy suggests. Jen loves the fact she even mentions it, she wouldn’t have even thought about going to one until Judy offered it up so hopefully and encouragingly.

“Maybe.” She decides, she doubts she’ll find the time though, with work and the boys, but then remembers with Judy she’s got less of a weight on her shoulders. She can do all of that and go to a dance class, if she wants. Judy gives her options, something she never had with Ted.

It feels tainted with what she did, and it feels wrong to even think about Judy giving her options and freedom and love and car when she’s half the reason her mom isn’t here, the reason Judy spent half of her life feeling unloved, small, belittled.

Jen turns, “Judy you know-“ she has to tell her. She was angry when Judy had lied about Steve and now she’s lying about this, Judy would be heartbroken if she kept it a secret any longer.

So she doesn’t. Jen tells her everything, and watches as Judy’s face expresses every emotion, shock, surprise, hurt, pain, all of it. When Jen says she told her mom about what Judy had been made to do she’d looked angry but tried to hide it, fists clenching and nails curving into fair skin instead of releasing the anger at Jen. But then when Jen takes her hand Judy let’s her, leaning into her as the memory of her mom being dragged away comes back to her. Jen asks about what happened, Judy tells her about the police showing up, taking Eleanor to the prison and charging her, assures her once she’d realised her frustration is fruitless that if Jen hadn’t told Samantha about the drugs then someone else would have eventually, or she’d have been arrested for the stolen jewellery she’d hidden for god knows how long. Judy goes onto say that everything happens for a reason, maybe if Jen hadn’t had told Samantha and she hadn’t reported it, they wouldn’t be here together today, Judy’s forgiving and lovely and understanding like that, Jen believes she doesn’t deserve her, no one does. She’s a real life angel, she was then and is now. Her compassion and kindness still shocks Jen every time, it shouldn’t because they’re two things that practically run through Judy’s veins.

“I thought you’d be mad at me.” Jen admits once the conversation slows.

Judy shakes her head. “If it was the other way round I’d have done, I’d have been so worried about you getting hurt. I wouldn’t be able to help myself.”

Jen nods. “I was, I thought-god, anything could’ve happened.”

“I know, I wish-“ Judy grits her teeth, “I wish that I’d had the strength to say no to her, but I never could.”

“Maybe you should start saying no more in general.”

Judy winces sarcastically, “even when you ask me for a hug?”

Jen frowns, “what? I never asked you for-“ she shakes her at at Judy’s smirk, pulling her teeth between her lips. Jen opens her arms wordlessly and Judy crawls into them, Jen’s legs are under one of Judy’s as she creeps impossibly closer. Jen let’s her chin rest on the top of Judy’s head, hands hook over one of Judy’s shoulders.

Telling Judy didn’t push her away or make her mad at all, it just made them even closer.

*

“I do have a question.”

Jen starts with the next morning, while Judy plates up scrambled eggs and pours orange juice and Jen washes the dishes. Judy hands her the empty orange juice carton and she tosses it in the trash momentarily, drying wet hands on the towel.

“About?”

Judy hands her a plate and rounds the breakfast bar to sit at a stool, waiting to start eating until Jen joins her. She sits and reaches for the glasses of juice and hands Judy one.

“Steve.” Jen deadpans, raising one eyebrow at Judy.

Judy upturns her lip, “do we have to?”

“Well-“ Jen takes a sip of orange juice, it leaves orange residue around her lips which she kicks off, Judy turns away back to her own plate questioning why she even noticed that? “I wanna know first of all why you got with that douche-y bag of shit.”

Judy coughs, muttering “douche-it” under her breath as a joke.

“Well?”

Judy shrugs.

“Wait did you say douche-it?” Jen says, an amused look on her face.

Judy nods, spooning in a mouthful of egg, coughing slightly because she’s sprinkled too much pepper over it.

Jen laughs and Judy smiles back, she loves making Jen laugh, it’s on the list of some of her favourite things to.

“God…” Jen shakes her head despite herself, taking another gulp of orange juice to wash down her food, that’s not uncooked in the slightest unlike her eggs would be.

There’s a few minutes where they’re just eating and Jen guesses Judy doesn’t wanna talk about him but then Judy scrapes her plate clean with her toast and says, “we met a few years ago, I’d just got back from travelling to Paris and he was starting a gallery up, it was one of the opening days and I went in their to look, he looked so handsome and business like-“

Judy makes gestures with her hands when she speaks, and Jen finds it quite distracting.

“I complimented the lace, and he asked if I painted, obviously I said yes and he asked to take a look, the next day I carted a few of my paintings in my car and asked him outside to take a look. He said they were amazing, he was the first person to really take them in, other than Abe.” Judy turns to Jen then, pouting with a tilt of her head to say “and you of course”, sweetly. “He asked me out afterwards, just for a date down by the beach, nothing fancy… Then things went really fast from there. I got pregnant about a year into our relationship, not planned or anything but I really wanted them-“ Judy gets a distant look in her eye and Jen’s hand wanders to Judy’s wrist, traces circles on her skin comfortingly. “Steve wasn’t sure at first, but then we talked and he got on board. He was excited, we decorated a nursery, blue and with red cars painted on the walls because he was sure it was a boy, when I lost the baby he-“ Judy shakes her head, moves her arm from under Jen’s so she can hold her hand instead. “I knew he blamed me, he never outright said it but the way he acted afterwards, he was so distant but not because of grief, he was angry, he resisted for so long, he made excuses to go out at night and organised way too many meetings during the day because he couldn’t be around me without losing it.”

Jen wills herself to calm down, but just like the other day when Steve had come barging in here, she finds herself clenching her free hand in a fist. She notices Judy has stopped and leans forward to meet her eyes, “carry on,” she encourages with a gentle smile.

Judy nods, her hand squeezes Jen’s for strength. “One night, he’d been out with his friends and he’d been drinking and something just switched, I expressed my worry about his drinking and he-“ Judy chokes up as her vision goes blurry, the kitchen counter becomes a big white blob as the tears well. “He threw a glass at me, I stepped out of the way but it really frightened me.”

Fucking piece of shit, she wants to say. Instead she rubs Judy’s back soothingly, apologising.

“It’s not your fault.” Judy says, “don’t say sorry.”

“I am though, it’s not fair that you’ve had to deal with all this shit.” Jen hisses almost with fury, how can there be a fucking god when Judy’s been treated this way? There isn’t, that’s how.

Judy just gives her a half smile, tight lipped. “He apologised after it, I’ve never been able to tell when people are just saying sorry to say it and not actually mean it, my mom did it all the time, I’d always forgive her, I always forgave him. He said we should try again, and we did, and I lost it again. And again. And again.”

“Fuck Judy I’m so sorry.”

“All I ever wanted was a family, it’s why I tried so many times to make it work with Steve even though it was never truly right since my first miscarriage, he became worse, shouting all the time, covering up holes in the wall where he’d hit them, he’s the picture of professionalism on the outside, all smiles. No one would believe me if I told them what he’s really like.”

“I would. I do.”

Judy looks up, running her hand over Jen’s, “I know, thank you.”

Jen pauses for a second, taking in Judy, even when a slobbering mess she’s beautiful. Her eyelashes are long and dainty, they flicker up to her, wide eyes peering underneath. Tear tracks line her cheeks, she can see where each and every one has raced down, dropped off her pointed chin. Jen follows her lips, to her nose and reaches her chocolate brown pools of emotions, they’re staring back at her.

Jen smiles, “and, you do have a family, here with us.”

Judy’s eyes beam, a shimmer of hope. “Really?”

Jen’s eyebrows crease, “yeah,” as if she’d even question it.

Judy clams up again and Jen pouts, “oh honey that was supposed to make you feel better.”

“It does, more than you know.”

Jen smiles. “Good, the boys will be down soon.” She says, checking Judy’s reasonably okay with a glance before standing to tidy away their plates.

“Let’s do something fun today! I don’t wanna cry anymore.” Judy slides her plate towards Jen and thanks her for cleaning her plate away.

Jen raises her eyebrows, glad to have this Judy back, the one that makes her feel young and free again. “Like what?”

Judy stands and comes to stand behind Jen while she washes up the plates, in a rush of overwhelming love for Jen and her family she wraps her arms around Jen in a hug, leaning her cheek against Jen’s shoulder from behind. Jen laughs lightly and brushes a wet hand over one of hers.

“Surprise me!”

Judy says, slapping Jen’s backside before jogging towards the guesthouse with a cocky smile.

“Wait what-“ Jen throws the dish towel her way and it falls to the floor before reaching Judy, she smirks and shakes her head as she hears Judy’s laugh as she walks to the guesthouse to get dressed for the day. That’s she’s apparently planning, and will do so because Judy deserves a ‘fun’ day, she’d asked for it and Jen will be sure to do everything to give it to her.

She recruits the boys and asks them what there is to do on a random weekend afternoon, Henry mentions the zoo but Jen is shit scared of any animal that’s bigger than her, so she pretends to ignore that suggestion by asking if there’s anything else that interests them. Charlie brings up the theme park and then the two are adamant on going, Henry tells Jen how Judy had lit up a few days ago when he mentioned it was in town, and Charlie backs him up by saying “you said just wanted fun? This is fun.”

So she agrees and books them wristbands online for that afternoon. Now, she’ll just have to avoid as many rides as possible and encourage the boys to take Judy on all of them which she wants to go on because, well… it’s like the zoo.

She’s fucking shit scared of heights.