Strawberry kisses
Judy braces herself for whatever version of her mother lurks behind the doors, she’s almost praying that it’s an absent one so she can collect her thoughts into a hearted apology, after spending the day with Jen she doesn’t want to cause another argument by delivering a somewhat ‘lazy’ apology to her mom but right now she doesn’t think she’ll be able to summon up the strength to give her an honest one.
Walking into the trailer, she blindly reaches out for the light switch, tripping up over the front door mat that’s curled under the door. The door shuts and it falls back to the floor, Judy wipes her feet on it before stepping in further and listening, the shower’s running so she heads to her room quickly. She hates avoiding problems and here she is hiding in her room, probably until morning, from her own mother. The shower turns off a few moments later and she hears a curse word yelled and a bang, she quickly shuts her bedroom door and sinks into her bed. Her art supplies are scattered over the bottom of the bed from the other day where she’d left them and she thinks about painting to take her mind off everything but as soon as she flips to a clean page in her sketchbook and gets a pencil in her hand, she throws the pad back onto the bed and flops backwards with a huff. She doesn’t feel like painting right now.
Judy’s mind is whirring, thoughts of Jen and whether she got home alright and if she’s scared by what she saw. Who wouldn’t be? The way Tyler had towered over her friend had sent her into a suffocating panic, he could’ve done anything to her, could have hit her like he did her mom. Jen was the one standing in front of Judy, protecting her from her own home and mother. Judy would’ve never forgiven herself if he’d had laid a finger on her, it was too close to happening.
Judy feels a little guilty for thinking that the worst part is that she sent Jen home, they were going to spend the day together, perhaps they’d have gone to the park again or the lake. Jen had been so kind, taking her in and feeding her breakfast and all she wanted was to spend a day off with Judy. She’d ruined that.
It’s started to lightly rain outside, the droplets of water on the bedroom window race down the glass, colliding into each other or dropping quickly to the bottom. Judy sighs, leaning her forehead on the window as she goes to reach for her sketch pad again. She’ll draw for Jen, as an apology or even a start of a way to make it up to her. She considers drawing a landscape, maybe of the lake they’d gone too that night, with a patch of stars at the top half of the page, but she thinks Jen might find it a bit boring. Her face lights up with an idea and she reaches for her watercolours and gets to work.
*
Jen arrives home after taking the subway with a longing in her chest and an anger bubbling away inside, at herself for not insisting that she would stay with Judy, what sort of friend leaves the other in need, at Judy for asking her to go, even though she knows it’s not her fault, at this Tyler guy being a complete dick but most of all at Judy’s mother, who while all this was going on stood there with her arms folded and a distant look in her eye, not caring in the slightest that her daughter was standing beside her practically shaking in her shoes.
Jen decides dancing is the best way to take her mind off of it all, but she just ends up imagining how Judy’s doing the whole time and she can’t concentrate even on the simple stretches. She crosses her legs, sat on the floor and flexes her feet, pulling them until they stretch in all the right places. Judy had looked so sad when she’d left, the bright eyes she usually looks at her with were dim, timid and ashamed. Jen wishes Eleanor was a real mom, one that would take care of Judy and one that would generally just care, because after what she saw she doesn’t think Eleanor really does. Especially while on whatever she’s shooting up her nose or in her arms, deep down Jen thinks Judy knows that she doesn’t either.
She wonders why Judy would keep living there, why she wouldn’t seek help or stay with-oh. That’s when it hits her. There is no one else. Just Eleanor with her clouded eyes and cruel tempers, but that’s all Judy has.
Samantha arrives home from her book club, she’s only been going two weeks and has about five new best friends-Jen would be jealous about how quickly she made friends if she was bothered about that type of stuff-already, and comes up to her studio to ask if she wants a glass of water and a snack. Jen almost feels guilty for saying yes, because Judy doesn’t have no one to offer her that and now Jen’s practically reevaluating everything about her relationship with her parents, whether she takes advantage or takes them for granted. She’s always been comfortable, they could afford holidays and Christmas presents, and sometimes Jen had hated going on holidays with just her parents because for one, the heat was unbearable, but mostly because she thought once you hit 15 it’s lame to be seen on a beach or at a (kid friendly) bar with her parents. She bets Judy’s never been on holiday.
“Thanks mom.” Jen says, sitting down at the kitchen table in front of a plate of cheese, crackers and small fruit slices; apples and a few pieces of watermelon.
Samantha just shrugs and sits beside her, her own larger bowl of watermelon; it helps with the mouth ulcers she gets from chemotherapy, placed in front of her.
“Did you enjoy your book club?” Jen asks around a piece of apple, it’s sour and and resists the urge to pull a face.
“Mhm.” Samantha responds, waiting to swallow the piece of watermelon before adding “we’re reading Michelle Obama’s autobiography, very empowering.” Her face changes then, frowning before asking “wait, it’s dance day right? Why aren’t you there?”
“Oh um,” Her mom would hate being lied to, and despite being a good actress (musical theatre helps) she can’t do white lies to save her life, her eyes widen and her cheeks turn red instantly. And she always tries to divert the subject but it never works so she gets flustered. But it’s Judy and she’s afraid of what her mom might say, but then she remembers how she’d always convince Jen to try and help out at the youth shelter with her (Jen always was ‘busy’) and she thinks maybe telling her would be beneficial for Judy. But, then it’d be basically betraying her she thinks. “I missed the subway, there must have been an accident or something.” She goes with, standing up to grab a glass of juice so her mom doesn’t look at her face.
“Oh really, well you could have asked someone to pick you up.”
“Like who?” Jen pulls a face.
“Your friends, grandma.”
“No thanks, anyway I had headache this morning anyways, didn’t really feel like going.” It’s not a lie, she was feeling shitty this morning.
Samantha just shrugs and goes back to her watermelon chunks, reading through the newspaper left on the kitchen table.
Once finished with her lunch she heads upstairs, she has time to finish that application she started a few days ago for college so she sits in the office room and searches up ‘tips for personal statement’ on the computer. It takes her ages to find things to say about herself, she’s good at dancing that’s about it. Judy says she’s confident, that must be a plus so she adds that on there too,
I am a confident young woman-
She erases the last two words because it sounds lame.
I am a confident person,
Better:
I am a confident person, who can communicate effectively and work well independently as well as with others.
She hates working with others, but she supposes group dances are decent.
It takes her a while to finish it, searching up alternate words for ‘dance’ and ‘determination’ because those two words take up half the word count. Finally, once she’s added her predicted grades and achievements, she clicks send on the page and sits back in her seat, half relieved that finally it’s done but also anxious because if that isn’t successful then she doesn’t know that she’ll do.
*
They don’t talk about that day much, and everything basically goes back to normal. Except from the humble apology and beautiful painting Judy gives her, that certainly wasn’t needed as Jen had told her, they don’t mention that day anymore at all. Jen finds it weird that Judy just brushes it aside, and as a friend she’d obviously be there for Judy, to listen, but it seems she just wants to forget so Jen goes along with it. Whenever there’s silence between them she’s tempted to ask how things are at home, or ask if Tyler has been back and if Judy okay, but Judy always manages to dissipate the silence with another conversation starter or a question of her own, so Jen tries to ignore the unease.
It’s Friday when Jen asks Judy to a party that Saturday night, one of her dance friends Natalie is throwing it because her parents are out of town and it’s her birthday on Sunday. Jen’s been to the parties before and they’re fine if all you wanna do is get drunk, and yes she has gone completely for that purpose before, but it’s mainly full of girls and guys making out on couches and on top of work surfaces, and awful dancing to house music. Jen figures it’ll be bearable with Judy there, and it couldn’t hurt to go for a couple hours and then head back to Jen’s. She’s invited her to the house before the party to change and have dinner with them, Judy’s hesitant to say yes but eventually agrees, a million ‘thank you’s’ along with the ‘okay’.
Before work that Friday morning, Judy tells her mom she won’t be back until Sunday afternoon, Jen’s insisted she sleeps at her house after the party. Eleanor pulls a face and shrugs her shoulders, a small ‘whatever’ mumbled before surfing the fridge for a bottle. There’s none so she slams it shut with a curse.
“Hey, wait a second.” Eleanor says before Judy’s about to head in the shower. She stands still holding her towel in her arms, squeezing it like a life jacket in the middle of the ocean.
“Yeah?” It comes out almost like a squeak, she clears her throat.
“I need a favour.” Eleanor tells her, stepping closer with eyes that pierce through Judy’s. “I’ve still not forgiven you for bringing that girl back here while Ty was here.”
Judy swallows, the lump in her throat doesn’t budge and she feels her eyes start to well up, she grips the towel to stop herself. She doesn’t speak, it’s best not to do she waits for her mom to finish.
“I need you to do something for me.” Eleanor cracks her knuckles, now pacing the small kitchen area.
“Like what?” Judy asks timidly.
Eleanor shakes her head, tapping her chin in thought, “Sunday, when you get home I’ll tell you, whatever you do you cannot tell anyone.”
“Okay.”
“Anyone Judy I swear or else-“ She stops herself, forcing a smile back on her face. “This will make up for the other day alright?”
Judy nods slowly. “Am I okay to go shower now? I’ll be late if I don’t.”
Eleanor nods, smile stretching, breaking her face. “Have a good day.”
Judy smiles back, “you too.”
It’s not real, any of it. When Judy turns on the shower Eleanor digs her phone out of her bag and taps a message to Gary, named in her phone as ‘G’ and tells him ‘we’re on’ with a satisfied smile. She rummages through the cupboards this time, finding a bottle of vodka with about a third of liquid left inside, mouthing a relieved ‘yes’ as she opens the bottle and swallows the jackpot.
*
They head to Jen’s after a day of dance and work making it inside just before it starts pouring with rain, Fred’s car isn’t parked outside and when Judy asks Jen says her parents are out for the evening at Lynns, and they’ll be back later on tonight. Judy’s in awe of Jen’s house even the second time she steps through the door, and she’s careful to leave her shoes in the correct place on the door mat, even waiting behind to move Jen’s over beside hers when she kicks them off. Rosie greets her this time as she comes in, tail wagging rapidly from side to side as Judy strokes under her chin.
“Here I’ll take your bag upstairs.” Jen holds her hand out and takes Judy’s rucksack, jogging up the stairs after telling Judy she’ll ‘be right back’.
Judy walks further into the kitchen and she’s hit with a sense of familiarity and warmth in turn as she takes a seat on the couch. Rosie jumps on beside her and paws at her leg, begging to be fussed again and Judy complies happily.
“Okay, so…” Jen strolls through the door with a smile, “drink?”
“Sure.” Judy nods, standing up to help.
“Hot or cold?”
“Cold.”
Jen goes to the fridge, “orange juice, water, strawberry flavoured water or Dr Pepper?”
Judy would be happy with tap water, her eyes widen at how full Jen’s fridge is and she just asks for whichever, then points to the orange juice when Jen asks again with an eye roll.
“Do you want to watch a movie? We could order pizza too the party doesn’t start until 9 so we have a few hours.” Jen asks, carrying both hers and Judy’s drinks to the table to set them down on top of a coaster. They sit down side by side on the couch, Jen in the middle of Judy and Rosie, who takes up the full right side of the couch when she lies down.
“Alright. Thanks.” Judy smiles, taking a sip of her juice and clacking her lips together at the strong zing.
“You don’t have to keep saying thanks by the way.” Jen adds with a smirk as she reaches for the landline balanced on the other arm chair.
Judy mouths an ‘okay’ as Jen dials the number to the pizza place, ordering a margarita for Judy and a pepperoni for herself and fries to share between them, it’s the kind of unhealthy that’s perfect before a party. At least if they do drink, Jen doesn’t know if Judy will, she doesn’t strike her as a ‘drinker’ type at a high school party but just in case, at least they won’t be drinking on empty stomachs. Hopefully they don’t end up spewing dough cheese and tomato sauce up either.
“Right, what movie?” Jen asks, heaving a box out from the ottoman in the corner that’s full of DVD’s. Jen flicks through some herself, reading the titles out to Judy.
“You choose.”
Jen sighs, of course she’d say that. “Pick a number between 1 and….40” she guesses the maximum, they probably have about that much, more upstairs in Jen’s room.
“14.”
Jen counts her finger along the top of the covers until the reaches the fourteenth one, “Parent Trap.”
“Is that okay?” Judy asks, helping move the box back inside the ottoman with Jen.
“Course.” Jen says. She slots the disc into the DVD player and switches the tv onto the correct option and presses play once the movie comes onto the screen. Jen goes back to sit down quickly and she stretches her legs out on the coffee table in front of her, carefully minding the glasses. Judy sits cross legged beside her and rests her linked hands on her ankles, eyes fixated on the screen. Jen leans into Judy’s shoulder unconsciously, they’re squished together as it is because of Rosie’s stretched out legs but neither seem to notice that halfway through the movie they’ve practically moulded into one, Judy’s hands now rest on Jen’s knee, her legs folded to the side as she leans against her.
Jen finds out that Judy’s a very…active movie watcher, she giggles at the slightest thing and full on belly laughs at the typical comedy bits. Her eyes tear up when the parents are reunited at the end, and Jen fights the urge to laugh because she’s never met anyone that gets that invested in movies. Then, while the credits role and she finishes off her pizza- it was delivered halfway through the movie and made both of them jump with the loud bang on the door- Jen thinks about the reason why Judy gets so involved in a fantasy world, and then finds it endearing and heart breaking at the same time.
Judy finds herself trying on a million and one different outfits as Jen dresses her for the party, an excitement bubbling inside of her mixed with a little anticipation at the thought of attending her very first ‘high school’ party, she’s sure that feeling will only increase as it gets closer to 9. Jen’s apparent eye for fashion distracts her though, and she switches t shirt for crop top, jeans for skirt as she tries to find one that will suit Judy. Well, look ‘freaking amazing’ on Judy, as she’d said once they’d finished pizza and headed upstairs to finally start getting ready.
It’s dark outside already, and Jen factors that in but remembers that they’re getting an Uber there and back so they don’t really need coats. Jen’s bedroom looks like an explosion of clothes, shoes and accessories and they’ll have to tidy them up so they can actually sleep tonight, but Judy’s never been happier to be amongst all this mess and chaosbecause Jen’s enjoying herself which means she is to, and getting so witness this side of Jen, the one that’s open and passionate and joking, is an honour. It’s why Judy doesn’t mind changing in front of Jen, she’s stripped down in her underwear while Jen finds a jumpsuit outfit for her and she feels safer than ever even while almost naked in Jen’s bedroom.
“Finally, here try this on.” Jen holds out a long length jumpsuit, it’s yellow and has frill along the top and white daisies dotted around. It’s not Jen’s usual type of outfit but then Jen says “it used to be my moms, I hope you don’t mind” and again the sense of honour returns, Jen’s giving her something her own mother used to wear and go out to dinner parties and meals and business evenings, and Judy feels a sense of pride as Jen tugs her over to the full length mirror.
“I love it.” Judy says, running her hand down the smooth and comfy material.
“Is this the one?” Jen asks, coming to stand behind Judy and look over her shoulder, easily because she’s taller.
Judy nods. “You’re mom has great taste, I bet she looks beautiful in it.”
Jen mirrors her smile, “yeah, she’ll be glad to see you wearing it though since it hasn’t been worn in a while.” Jen snaps a picture of Judy on her phone, telling her to ‘say cheese’ and then goes to get her own outfit. She decides on black jeans, an over the shoulder red puff sleeve style top with a black blazer to go over the top. She finds Judy a white cardigan to go with her outfit, knowing for a fact she’ll get cold and then they make there way downstairs after tidying up the scattered clothes.
Rosie’s already asleep on her bed, and after quickly tidying up the pizza boxes and glasses that were left out Jen wraps Rosie in a blanket, Judy pouts and gets down on the floor to say goodbye. Jen grabs money for the cab and then they’re heading out once it pulls up outside, Jen shouting a “be good Rose” before leaving and locking the door behind them checking it twice. She stuffs the keys inside of her bra shrugging at Judy who quirks her eyebrow in response.
The drive doesn’t take long and the roads are fairly empty, the cab driver refrains from making small talk with them which Jen is happy about, and Judy just sits with a tight lipped smile and her hands tucked under her legs, Jen knew she’d be cold. When they arrive Jen helps Judy out of the car with a hand, and doesn’t let go even as she pays the driver and walks up the steps to Natalie’s house. Music booms loudly from the house and it looks pretty full, it’s big enough to hold that many people though and there’s a huge garden on the back to accommodate.
Judy feels a little overwhelmed as they walk through the door, without knocking, and she sticks close by Jen as she says they should try find Natalie first to at least say hi. There’s small bubbles of people everywhere that seems to mesh into one in the living room where the couch and the tv are pushed back to create a sort of dance floor. Everyone’s holding drinks and talking with one another and Judy looks around at all the little groups she can distinguish, the girly girls whore all wearing almost the same shirt skirt and crop top, the guys who’re playing bear pong on the kitchen table, the smokers who’re in the back doorway pretending to blow their smoke out of the door but really it just blows everywhere else. Judy turns her head back to Jen who points and says “found her” over the loud music, quickly cutting through a group of people to get to Natalie and the rest of Jen’s dance friends, with a couple of additions.
“Hey Natalie, great party.” Jen says, breaking up the circle with her loud voice, Judy’s on the outside of it until Jen pulls her in and wraps an arm around her waist.
“Jen!” Natalie downs her drinks in one, “I know right,” she adds after with a smirk, “nothing had been broken yet either.”
Jen smiles. “This is Judy,” Jen says, and then introduces her friends in turn.
Alice and Isabella greet her enthusiastically, she recognises them from the restaurant and the dance show, they were both in a trio with Jen if she remembers correctly, and she leans in with a laugh once they wrap her up in a triple way hug.
“Love your outfit!” Alice says, standing back to look her up and down with a smile.
Judy eyes Jen with a small smile, “thank you! I love yours too, all of yours.” She adds making sure to dart her eyes around the group.
“Oh! Go check out the punch bowls outside under the gazebo,” Natalie tells them, pointing her finger towards the doorway.
“Sure, I’ll see you later probably, have fun tonight.” Jen says, her arm guiding Judy away from the group as Judy waves to them all.
They’ve only been inside a few minutes but already the stuffy air is overwhelming and it’s nice to get outside into the fresh breeze despite it being a little chilly. There are three huge pink barrel type bowls of mixed alcohol and various add-ins, strawberries, lime, Haribo sweets, and Jen grabs two cups and peers inside the bowls.
“Are you having one?” She asks Judy, she’s grabbed two cups but doesn’t want to assume Judy would be having alcoholic drinks, she totally doesn’t mind if she doesn’t.
“Okay!” Judy says, and points to the Haribo filled bowl when Jen asks which one she wants.
Judy pulls a face at the taste and then it shifts into a smile, “actually once it’s down it isn’t that bad.”
Jen laughs and tries her own, she’d gone for the strawberry one and it’s kinda fucking rank and has to much vodka in, her eyes tear at the taste. “That is terrible.” She pours the rest away and grabs another cub going for the same as Judy this time.
They head back inside afterwards and into the living room, Jen doesn’t seem keen on mingling with any other people and Judy’s fine with that as long as she’s not the reason why she isn’t, Jen had assured her straight away that she wasn’t. They manage to squeeze on the couch, two other guys and a girl take up the other spaces and Judy has to practically sit on Jen’s lap to fit, one of her legs drape over Jen’s. The songs are either cheesy pop songs or ones without words that everyone jumps and head bangs to, Jen makes jokes about how they all look like clumsy idiots and predicts that the tv will be the next thing to be knocked over after the plaque of Natalie’s attendance award that came off from above the fireplace half an a hour ago, so much for ‘nothing’s been knocked over’. Natalie’s parents are usually chill about that stuff though, and they still let her throw a party every year knowing what happens each time.
Jen’s people watching is interrupted later on by Natalie insisting that they’re playing spin the bottle and Jen and Judy have to join in. Judy agrees and shrugs apologetically at Jen before standing up to follow Natalie, “she looked so excited to play Jen I didn’t wanna disappoint her by saying no” and Jen reluctantly lets Judy pull her up out of the couch to go after Natalie. They head up to Natalie’s room with Alice, Isabella, and a few other girls that Jen recognises from the audience of the dance recital; Jessica, Caitlin and Stacey she thinks their names are, and there’s a few guys too, some she doesn’t know but two she does; Adam is Natalie’s cousin of whom she has a strangely close relationship with, and Ted; his mom rents out the dance studio and every year they come to watch their Christmas showcase, Lorna criticises the set at least three times after.
They sit in a circle, some on Natalie’s double bed, some on the floor or been bag chairs, and a bottle is placed in the middle of them. Each of them take a turn to spin, and make up the rules as they go along; answer a truth question, do a dare, kiss whoever the bottle lands on next. Natalie ends up lap dancing for Adam, Ted’s sick idea of a funny dare, it makes Jen squirm and she takes a look at Judy who’s trying not to grimace.
“Your turn Jen.”
She frowns in response, “do I have to?”
A chorus of ‘yes’ and a few sighs gets her quickly leaning forward to spin the bottle reluctantly, feigning carelessness about where it lands. It stops after a few turns and Jen follows the tip to where it points at Ted.
Fuck.
“Truth.”
“No that wasn’t the round, you can’t choose, we’re doing spin for a kiss so do what you gotta do Harding” Natalie says teasingly, waggling her eye brows.
Jen flips her off with an eye roll. “You’re just making up the rules now.”
“It’s my party.”
“Come on Jen just kiss him already.” Fucking Isabella joins in and the next minute their all chanting ‘kiss him’ like a bunch of kindergartens.
“Fuck sake! Fine just shut up already,” Jen stands quickly, using Judy’s knee to push herself up, she purposely avoids Judy’s eye-line and focuses on clambering through the other crossed legs to get to Ted. She gets on one knee and surges their lips together, it’s smelly and itchy because there’s speckles of stumble on his chin. Ted seems to catch up just as Jen pulls away, his advancing hand missing cupping her cheeks as she pulls away and moves back to her death with a huff.
“Happy now?”
Adam nudges Ted and they whisper together about something, Jen feels slightly dirty as she sits back down beside Judy who’s gazing up at her with wide eyes and an unsure smile. She doesn’t know why she’s so bothered about what Judy thinks because it’s just a game. It’s not as if she wanted to do it yet she feels like she has to clarify that to Judy. Shaking her head, she takes another sip of her drink to block out the laughing erupting around them.
“Judy!” Natalie nods her head in gesture to the bottle.
Jen sees her hesitance, “you don’t have to.”
Judy chews on her bottom lip in thought, it would be weird she thinks to kiss a stranger, and she’s never done it before so she’d probably do it wrong. But she wants to join in and the fact that Jen did it is enough to convince her that it’ll be fine, she leans forward and gives a good spin of the bottle and waits for it to land on someone. It keeps turning and then slows down, Ted; Judy’s glad it moved past him, Adam, herself and… oh.
Judy follows the tip and up to familiar eyes that are already staring back at her. Out of every one for it to land on she didn’t expect for it to be Jen, and it’s weird for her to kiss her friend, right?
Then why was she almost hoping for it to stop on Jen.
Judy clears her throat, “well?” She’s never been braver, she thinks, than in this moment, with Jen lips pursing and then leaning in to capture her own. Jen places a hand on Judy’s jaw, as if to steady her, it’s a little clumsy and their noses bump. It’s soft and sweet, a mix of vodka and Haribo’s coating each of their lips and tongue. It barely lasts longer than a few seconds but something spurs awake inside of Judy almost, a heat or a burning or a desire. For what she doesn’t quite know, but she figures that if it elicited something as strong as that inside of her then she enjoyed it? She shakes her head, turning to look at Jen who she notices doesn’t screw her lips together and wipe them on her sleeve after kissing her like she just did with Ted, Judy shrugs her shoulders and slides the bottle closer to the next person.
The game continues but Jen feels like it happens outside of her reality, like she isn’t there. The kiss with Judy had left her confused because with Ted she didn’t feel into it but with Judy it felt…nice, safe. Perhaps that’s because of their already established bond, that’s it.
Except for some reason Jen can’t stop thinking about the tenderness of Judy’s lips against her own throughout the rest of the night which is made even worse when they get home and sleep in the same bed, Judy’s eyes drooping as the seconds tick by. They say goodnight and head to bed as soon as they get inside, changing quickly into pairs of Jen’s pyjamas before climbing under the covers with full sets of makeup still on. Judy’s that close to her that she can see the way mascara clumps together on her eyelashes, the way the lipstick fades on her bottom lip. She could probably count every freckle, every eyelash. The last thing Jen sees before closing her eyes is Judy’s sleepy smile, opening and closing after whispering a “goodnight Jen”, she almost doesn’t want to turn over but she sleeps on her left side because she hates looking at the window.
And if Judy face falls when she turns over then…
She buries her head further into the pillow and succumbs to sleep.