Chapter 32
Luz POV:
I’m not sure how long we sit there, side by side on the floor. Our fingers entwine, our minds race, our hearts beat in time with one another’s. And it's quiet. A nice kind of quiet. The kind of quiet that lets me think, but doesn’t allow me to drown in my thoughts.
I imagined loving her to be as easy as breathing. In this reality I invented for myself, we would rise and set like the sun everyday, and stolen moments together would be the grounds for a happy day. This is all so much more complicated than I thought it would be. It hurts, and it’s hard.
If there’s a word to describe the way I feel about her, I am yet to learn its name. It’s like, no matter how far away she is, she is never really gone, because she always sits somewhere at the front of my mind. She’s in my head all the time, even when I don’t want her to be. Even when I don’t want to love her anymore. I know she will never truly be gone, because I will love her until her face is fogged with distant memory and her name is one I can’t quite remember.
I wonder if one day I’ll forget her birthday. I’ll pass it by with as much ease as one passes by a regular day. Only, it won’t be a regular day, it will be her day but I won’t remember. I wonder if one day I’ll look up at the stars without thinking of her. I’ll count them in their infinite capacity and I won’t stop to wonder if she’s looking up at them too. I wonder if one day I’ll be able to breathe the same air as her without thinking about who else is kissing her.
I can’t sleep because Serena doesn’t kiss her right. She doesn’t care if it isn’t perfect. I want her back so bad. I would have taken a bullet and died for her. I would have taken on the Emperor. I would have risked it all. I did. I did it all, for her.
I’m human. I’m from a completely different world. This is going to end one day, isn’t it? I’m going to be alone again, aren’t I? Coming here is the best thing that ever happened to me. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t give that up.
I feel her move against me, her steady breaths on my neck, her fingers entwined in mine. I twirl the ends of her hair around my finger, breathing in as much of her as my lungs will allow.
“Everything is going to be okay, right Luz?” her voice is small and hopeful, but I can’t bring myself to tell her that it is, because, what if it isn’t? Instead, I say nothing, only holding her tighter. I don’t want to let her go again. I don’t want to know what will happen when Serena comes home.
Just then, the sound of the front door steals our collective attention, and I feel Amity sit up quickly. When I see Eda’s shock of white hair and signature red dress stumble through the doorway, I release a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. She’s cursing under her breath, muttering something inaudible, but when her eyes fall on Amity and I on the floor in the dark room, she falls silent.
“Luz?” She calls out into the darkness. With a single circular movement, all the lights flicker back to life. “What’s going on?” she asks, coming closer. “Are you bleeding?”
Oh, yeah. I had almost forgotten about the sticky red substance that stains my hands and face. Now that the lights are on, I can see Amity’s hands are covered too. She looks tired and worn, her pale skin washed out in the new lighting. Though her hair is a little messy, it still flows down around her shoulders in an emerald waterfall.
I don’t flinch when Eda’s hands find my face, tracing over my features with soft fingers. She holds a hand out to me, and I take it. With a low groan, I allow myself to be pulled to my feet, my hands clutching my stomach which still aches from Serena’s blow. From behind me, I hear Amity also climb to her feet, but I don’t turn back to look at her.
A supportive arm finds its way around my waist as Eda helps me hobble over to fall down on the sofa. A worried expression is etched onto her face as she says something to Amity. I don’t hear what words she says, but I do watch the green haired girl nod in response before walking quickly towards the stairs. I don’t want her to leave, but she does without even looking back.
“What happened here, kid?” Eda asks me, as she moves to block my view of the stairs. I sigh, turning away from her. “Hey, you got blood all over my floor, the least you can do is explain what’s going on.”
She has a point. It’s not that I don’t want to tell her, it’s just that if I say it out loud, it becomes even more undeniable. The truth is a difficult thing, because the truth can shift and change, but I tell her what I know to be true as best as I can.
“Serena and I had...a thing and I- well it didn’t end too well for me.”
Eda let’s out a gentle sigh, moving out of my line of vision. “I can’t say I’m surprised,” her voice calls out from somewhere behind me. “That girl is, like, twice your size.”
A scoff escapes my lips before I can stop it, and I cross my arms over my chest defensively. “It’s not like it was a very fair fight! I didn’t hit her back.”
Eda returns around the edge of the sofa, lowering herself down beside me. As her hands reach out to me, I feel something wet and cold on my skin. Since I trust Eda fully, I don’t ask what she’s doing, instead just listening to her voice.
“So you just let yourself get beaten up?” Eda asks, a slight hint of a smirk in her voice. “She may be bigger than you, but when it comes to magic you could take her out, no question.”
I sigh softly, my response so low she almost doesn’t hear it. “I didn’t want to hurt her.”
Of course, because it’s Eda, she does hear me, and knows exactly what I mean. “You mean you didn’t want to hurt Amity.” Her words take me by surprise, and I hesitate, the breath stuck in my throat, before nodding slowly. “Yeah, I knew it, kid. I see the way you look at her.”
The breath chokes me, and then comes back up in a spluttered gasp. I’m sure my cheeks are fiery red, but I try to swallow back how flustered I am by Eda’s statement. “Wha- what do you mean?”
“Oh, come on, you guys are crazy for each other.” Eda laughs, finally retreating from my face. “Even a moron could see that.”
I’m not angry, just frustrated, and I can feel my tone rising as the words claw their way up my throat. “Then why doesn’t she want me?”
Eda sighs, folding her hands neatly away into her lap. Her fingers still clutch around the damp cloth she used to clean up my cuts and scrapes. In a strange way, I feel like a child again. Eda’s motherly touch recreates the way my mama used to look after me when I was a little girl. How long ago that seems, before I even knew what heartache is.
“You want to know why Amity is with her and not you?” she asks me, her speech clear and slow. I nod, my eyes scanning her face for the answer. “Because Serena actually asked.”
Her words sink in, and it takes me a moment to process them. Eda’s weight shifts on the sofa next to me as she stands and walks back around the edge of the sofa. “It’s too late.” I shrug. “She’s with her now.”
“After this, I wouldn’t be so sure.” As I find my way back to my feet, I turn to face Eda who stands with a bowl of water, and a cloth, both stained red. “She’s a good kid. She’s smart.” Eda continues, wringing out the cloth so the red liquid cascades into the bowl beneath it. “She’ll know what to choose.” I nod along as Eda tells me everything I’ve been longing to hear. She turns to me, with a glint in her eye, and a smile that says more than words can describe. “Go get her, kid.”