Chapter 30
Luz POV:
The hands on the clock keep on ticking. Every second that passes is another second she slips further and further away from me. I want to go upstairs, I want to finish our conversation, but I don’t know what I would say. I should have been honest with her from the start. I should have told her I loved her when I had the chance, but now I think it might be too late. I might actually have to make peace with the fact that this could never happen for us. A part of me thought that things would figure themselves out and we’d be okay again, that eventually she’d be mine. Now, I’m not so sure.
I have crashed against the cliffside, broken and splinted, but this time I’m not sure if I can survive it.
I should be happy. I should be grateful. There’s room in my head now that getting her back isn’t taking up every inch of my mind. I want to laugh at the absurdity. How pointless everything seems to be in a world that never stops moving. How small it all seems to be when you gaze in from afar. How quiet the voices seem to be when everyone stops listening.
I can’t erase the image of her from my brain. Two years ago, she seemed so happy, in the gentle giggle in her voice, the way the corners of her mouth curled up at the edges when she said my name, the gleam in her eyes. Now, her eyes are only filled with hurt and when she says my name, her mouth is a straight line.
I don’t look up as heavy footsteps enter the room. I can’t bring myself to move from my seat on the sofa.
“I don’t like you.” a voice tells me as the footsteps grow nearer.
“I’ve noticed.” I inform her as I reluctantly push myself up from the cushions.
She wears a look of disgust and anger on her face as I stand level with her. She’s slightly taller than me when we stand beside each other, a fact that doesn’t bother me much. Besides her usual shirt and jeans, she holds a jacket that I just now determine to be mine. Her eyes are laced with an emotion I can’t quite decipher and her mouth is overflowing with white lies.
“She wanted me to give this to you.” she sneers, holding the jacket out to me. I snatch it from her grip, throwing it down on the sofa beside me. I’m not inclined to believe her, as she smirks at my reaction. “It’s amusing how long you’ve been playing this game with yourself.” she laughs. “I certainly would have given up by now if I were you.”
Looking through another person’s eyes is like wearing another person’s shoes; it’s never what you think it will be, and often it hurts. As I stare through the window of her soul, not only do I see flashes of red anger and green jealousy, but also a strong sense of desperation. My fists clench at my sides and I try my best not to let her get to me.
“Whatever, Serena.” I say, the breath knocked out of me.
“Seriously, how long are you going to spend sitting around, waiting for her to miss you?” As I go to turn away from her, I feel her grip on my arm and she spins me back to face her. “Hey, don’t walk away from me.”
I try my best to swallow down the anger that bubbles inside of me, but it’s no use. My fists find her shirt quickly, gripping the edges between my fingers as I spit into her face. “Touch me like that again, I dare you.”
A glint of weakness shows in her eyes before she scoffs, pushing me off her easily. I watch as she adjusts her shirt, before glaring down at me. “I’m warning you, Noceda. Back off.”
“Or what?” I hiss, my hands balling into fists at my side. My fight or flight instincts are kicking in and I know which one I’ll choose. “What are you gonna do? Insult me to death?”
She smirks a little, and it takes all my energy not to lunge at her. “Just remember who you are.” she tells me, a hint of condescendence in her tone. “You’re just that human girl who left her all alone two long years ago.” Her voice feels far off, like she’s telling a story from my childhood. Some fairytale gone wrong. My head feels light and I am losing myself in her words. “You mean nothing to her.” I can feel my eyes drooping, my vision turning black. Her words lay heavy on my heart and she is in my head. “You are the biggest lie she ever told.”
I feel the impact before I feel the shock as my eyes open to see Serena slumped in front of me. She is still standing, but is bent over, as though the impact has left her numb. I wipe the blood off my knuckles with my other hand, wishing more than anything to take it back. I didn’t mean to hit her, I really didn’t. I just couldn’t stop myself. She was saying all these things, and the worst part was that they were true.
When she lifts her head up to look at me, I am left speechless by the smile she wears across her face. One hand cups her clenched jaw, now raw and bleeding from its interaction with my fist. “Oh, so that’s how you wanna play this game?” The measured quality of her tone is far more menacing than if she had yelled, and it sends a chill down my spine.
My already tense shoulders seize up more as she stalks towards me. I hold both hands out in defense, but it’s no use, as she grabs me by the collar of my shirt.
“You are such a selfish brat.” she claims with a smile before thrusting her balled fist to my stomach. I make some kind of strangled noise, but can’t escape as her grip on me is tight. She pulls me forward by the collar of my shirt, then pushes me backwards in a whiplash motion. I crash to the floor with a loud thump, my head greeting with the solid wall behind me.
Letting out a soft groan, I try to scramble to my feet as Serena stands over me. “Stop, Serena.” I say as my head spins. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
She doesn’t stop though, instead grabbing me by the arm and yanking me to my feet. Her next blow is aimed at my face, where she hits hard. My mouth fills with the taste of blood, my head light and fuzzy. Still, I hesitate. My pocket is filled with glyphs that could do a lot more damage than her punches can, but I don't reach for them. I don’t want to hit her back. I don’t want to hurt her.
She pins me back against the wall now, and I don’t have enough energy to stop her. Her eyebrows are firmly set, lips twisted into a scowl. I brace for impact, but she doesn’t hit me again. Instead, she smiles devilishly. “Don’t feel bad, Luz.” she tells me, patronizingly. “It happens to the best of us. You just don’t know when to quit.”
With that, she lets go of me. The space between us is like a gift, and I slide down the wall to fill it. I don’t know where she’s going, but I don’t bother to ask, only letting go of my breath when I hear the front door slam shut.
I don’t know when to quit.
The tears fall freely down my face, and I wipe them away with my hand. My fingers come back red and sticky, which only makes me cry more. I cry in a way that leaves me breathless and with a stomach ache. My knuckles are sore and pale from where they clench into balls in my lap, and when I finally calm down enough to wipe my eyes, I notice they are numb.
It doesn't matter. Now they just match the rest of me.