Chapter 29
Amity POV:
“This whole time?” my voice is barely above a whisper as I try to piece all of this back together. “You knew this whole time and you didn’t tell me?”
I bring my eyes up to look at her, anger quickly replacing my disbelief. How could she do this to me? She blinks back at me unresponsively, her eyes giving nothing away. My breath catches in my throat. I want to scream, I want to cry, but when my eyes meet hers, all I can see is the mess I have already made of this family. The hurt I’ve caused. The lives I have affected in so many ways. A part of me still feels I should go back to the Coven, but the other half of me seems to think that, with my magic, I might have the strength to take the Emperor on. At least I will die trying.
“I want my magic back.” I tell her plainly, with a shaky breath. “Now.”
She reaches a hand out to me, but I step back away from her reach. Her hand recoils in dismay. “Amity, listen to me.” she says softly, and I do. “You don’t understand how bad this is. It could kill you.”
I shake my head quickly. “I don’t care.”
“I do.” Her statement surprises me. She is so sure in her words, so confident.
When she reaches her hand out to me again, I take it, allowing her to pull me into her chest. Her heartbeat comforts me as I hear my own heart beat in time with hers. Her embrace is so warm and she smells just like home. She runs a hand through my hair, her fingers entwining with each strand as I close my eyes, leaning into her.
After a moment that is so long it could have been forever, I pull away from her, looking up into her hazel eyes. A deep breath seems to give her the confidence to tell me what she’s thinking. “I care about you, Am’. So much.” She takes my hand now, clutching it tightly in hers. “Please don’t leave.”
A wave of anger hits me when something else should. Me, leave her? Last time I checked, it was the other way around. A look of concentration freezes on my face before I really think about what I’m saying. Any warmth I felt before completely fades, leaving the room icy even with the blazing fire and hot chocolate.
“No.” I growl, shaking my head as if it will help me to center myself. “You don’t get to say that.” Luz swallows, her eyes widening by my response. “Not after everything, not after-” Turning away from her, I allow myself to seethe silently, running both hands through my messy green hair. “Gods, Luz,” I spit, “you- sometimes you’re just…”
I can’t quite bring myself to finish that sentence. I’m not sure she’d want me to. My eyes sting with the prickle of impending tears. The harder I blink, the more it seems to intensify. A single tear escapes, running like a convict down the length of my cheek. It is followed by more and more until I am sniffling like an idiot, mopping up my mess with the corner of my sleeve before Luz can notice. She does anyway, of course.
I feel her hand on my cheek, brushing away my stream of tears with her thumb. “No.” I say between sobs. “You don’t get to do that either.” I whisper firmly, my tone holding a hint of something more to it. Still, my current state betrays me, and I bring my eyes up to meet hers. She looks just as pained as I feel.
“How can I not?” she whispers back as I attempt to compose myself. “How can I learn to be ‘just friends’ with the person I gave my everything to?”
I take a staggered step backwards, eyeing her up as I try to claw any ounce of information from her face as I can. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
That’s when she hesitates. She hesitates. If she hadn’t, maybe this would have gone so much better for us. Instead, I fill her silence.
“You don’t get to act like this, Luz.” I tell her, my voice still low. “You were the one who decided you didn’t want this, remember?” She says nothing as her eyes find the floor. She won’t look at me. Why won’t she look at me? “You took everything from me when you left.” I say, the anger fading from my voice. A short silence passes between us before I say the words I really mean. “You were everything to me.”
She lifts her head, bringing her eyes to meet mine. She doesn’t cry, not even close. “I didn’t think you wanted me.” her voice is like thunder, cracking and breaking through in great streaks of lightning in her eyes. “I wanted to say goodbye but it sounds too much like ‘I love you’.” The breath catches in my throat as she moves in on me. “And ‘I love you’ sounds too much like the letters you stopped sending me.”
She’s so close to me now, I can’t think straight. I can’t put the thoughts in my mind to rest. “Of course I wanted you.” My voice is barely above a whisper, but she hears it. “I still do.”
“I want you too.”
With a shake of my head, I push her gently away from me. I’m not angry anymore, I don’t have the energy to be. “You had me.” I tell her simply. “For months now, you’ve had me.” I scoff a little. I want to laugh at the absurdity. I want to cry for how beautiful she looks, staring down at me with wide eyes. “I would have been yours the second that you asked, but you never did.”
She blinks, beautiful hazel eyes turning dark. Clearly we have run out of words to say to one another, so I don’t give her a chance. Instead, I turn away from her towards the stairs. I know Serena is up there somewhere, but I don’t care. I just leave her there, downstairs in front of the crackling fire.
Although I know she isn’t crying, when I find our room I do. I cry until I am numb and every part of me aches. I cry until I can no longer breathe. I break, an oak tree giving up to the storm while she weathers in a way that only she can. She’s so much stronger than me, and I hate it. I guess I’m just not worth crying over.
As exhaustion takes over me, I curl up in my bed, with only one thought on my mind.
I have never wanted someone to hurt and be happy so much.