Chapter 28
Luz POV:
“What is her deal, anyway?” I ask Eda as I pass her the cocoa.
It’s late now, and we’re both making hot chocolate together. Well, more like Eda is making hot chocolate, and I am watching. And talking. And not helping at all.
“I mean, she just swoops in here all polite and perfect acting like she never left!” Eda turns from where she stands stirring the milk on the stove to give me a pointed look. Swallowing back my upset, I blush a little. It’s true, I sort of did the same thing. I can’t even imagine how confused Amity must be by all of this. It doesn’t help that she can’t remember everything that happened. I let out a sigh, leaning back against the counter as Eda resumes her stirring. “It’s just not fair, that’s all.” I mumble.
It’s not fair that Amity hasn’t talked to me about all of this. It’s not fair that Serena gets to have everything I want. It’s not fair that she can walk away from this so easily and I just can’t. I can’t walk away because I always think of her.
The room is an unsettling kind of quiet, just the gentle scrape of Eda stirring audible in the otherwise silent room. I don’t try to fill the emptiness, instead choosing to wait silently at the counter for Eda to finish the hot chocolate.
My mind is a mess as I think over the most recent events in my timeline, the most notable being my interaction with Serena earlier. I guess she was provoked by me giving Amity my jacket, but that wasn't enough for her to go off on one at me. She was so red and angry, words spitting from her mouth like venom as she seethed. I think she would have hit me, had it not been for the mark Amity would no doubt see later on. I can’t say I would mind too much; in a weird way, I feel like I would deserve it.
Everything feels so wrong. I hate seeing the two of them together, and yet I always watch them. Like when you’re driving down the motorway and you pass an accident. Your heart tells you not to look but your eyes can’t seem to look away.
The empty space she left behind lies waiting for her return, and I try my best to fill it but nothing else feels right. I forgive myself over and over everyday but these are just words without a meaning. Nothing has meaning anymore. No splinter of fragmented truth can be found among the rubble I have made of my own head.
How can something be there and then not be there?
How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?
The wrong may say “I think, therefore I am”. The more we say it, the more it sounds like “I think, therefore I will be”. You can’t think your way into rooms with locked doors. You can’t think your way into loving arms that you know will never hold you, no matter how much you try. I have thought and thought myself into corners made of words and nightmares, and what has it gotten me but more thoughts?
She is a beautiful nightmare that I will never wake from, and sometimes I don’t want to try. Her name still haunts my mouth like a last meal, and I try my best not to say it, but sometimes I just can’t erase the memories we shared together.
I shake my head quickly, willing my thoughts to leave me alone. They don’t, but I try my best to pay no attention, as I accept the mugs of hot chocolate that Eda holds out to me. The corners of my mouth turn up into a smile, but my eyes don’t quite carry the same message.
“Thanks,” I tell her, genuinely. Not just for the drinks.
She offers me a smile. “Alright kid, you guys have fun, and try not to break anything. We’ll be back in a bit.” she tells me, grabbing her staff from where it leans against the far wall. I nod as she makes her way out of the door towards the night market.
Balancing three mugs in two hands is a challenge, but I manage to make my way into the living room without spilling any. The second I enter, I immediately wish I hadn’t.
Amity sits on the far end of the sofa, wrapped in Serena’s embrace. She still wears my jacket, as well as a smile on her face and her eyes glow from whatever it is Serena whispers in her ear. Placing the mugs down on the table, I try my best not to listen to Amity’s giggles, as Serena says something to make her laugh. They both look up when I sit down beside them, and I silently long for the cushions to swallow me up and take me away.
“Thanks for the drinks.” Amity says, for lack of a better conversation starter. I nod with a small smile. She leans forwards, away from Serena, to pick up one of the mugs. I watch as she brings it to her lips, taking a sip.
“I was thinking about going home for a few days,” I say, to no one in particular. “I don’t want mama to be alone for the holidays.”
“That’s so sweet!” Amity tells me, placing the mug back down on the table.
I thought she would lean back into Serena’s arms, but instead she stands, leaning against the table. She offers me a warm smile, one that makes my heart jump in my chest. I miss mama, it’s true, but I also don’t want to leave Amity behind again, especially with Serena.
“You should come.” I say, without thinking. “My mama would love to meet you.” When my offer is met with silence, I almost think I didn’t say it out loud, but after a long pause, Serena speaks first.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” she says, giving me a strange look. “I’m not sure someone like us would be well received in the human world.”
I frown. It’s true, they wouldn’t, but Amity doesn’t have to go out. The only person she’d have to interact with would be my mother. Amity seems to come to this conclusion too, as she looks down at Serena with a questioning look. Their eyes meet in a silent conversation that I am clearly not supposed to be a part of. After a while, Amity looks away from Serena’s gaze and towards me instead.
“I’d love to.” she says with a smile, before adding, “Your mama sounds wonderful.”
“No.” Serena says quickly, standing up. “No, I don’t want you going there.” She takes Amity by the arm, pulling her away slightly to talk more privately. There’s no point though, as I can hear everything Serena says. “It could be dangerous.” she argues. “Besides, I don’t want you going with her.” she motions towards me with the arm that isn’t gripped around Amity’s wrist.
Amity shakes herself free, taking a step away from Serena’s anger. “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Serena.” she says, more scared than annoyed. “It can’t be more dangerous than staying here, with the Coven on our trail.”
Serena’s eyes widen and she hesitates for a long moment. Then, her eyes find mine, red with anger and framed with fury. “Fine.” she hisses, taking a few threatening steps towards me. I swallow, bracing for impact, but she only moves past me and out of the room, still seething. Her heavy footsteps echo on the stairs, until she is gone completely.
A silence passes through the room, before Amity lets out an audible sigh, collapsing down onto the sofa. I watch her with concern as she rubs her wrist, where Serena’s hand was gripping her.
“Are you okay?” I ask, unsure whether to make a move or not. Amity freezes, almost as if she had forgotten I am there, and my voice has made her jump. Then, she nods slowly, wordlessly, offering no kind of explanation. “You don’t have to come.” I say, trying to make her feel better, but she only shakes her head.
“No, I want to.”
Another silence follows, and it feels like the weight of the world lies between us. In reality, there is only a small amount of space as we sit side by side on the sofa.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” she says after a while. “I know all this must be...confusing for you.” I nod slowly, shifting a little closer as she continues. “Thank you for being patient with me. It’s really helped me to figure all this out.” she sits with her hands in her lap, almost as if she is afraid to move. Without thinking, I take one of them, squeezing gently in support. She looks down at our fingers, so close to entwining, but says nothing. She doesn’t even smile. “I’m going back to the Coven.”
Her words hit me, hard, and it takes me a moment to properly process what she has said. Why would she want to do that? I feel her move next to me, and I hear shaking breaths beside me. She’s crying. Why is she crying? I open my mouth to say something, but no words come out. Instead, she continues.
“I just feel so useless here without my magic.” she tells me, her voice breaking. “I don’t want to keep living like this.”
Swallowing the lump that has formed in my throat, I hold onto her hand harder. I’m scared that if I let go, she will fall apart. I’m scared that if I let go, I may never hold onto her again. “I know,” I tell her, my voice small, “and I’m sorry, but it will be okay.”
Turning her head to look at me, I see tear stained cheeks. Her skin is pale, her eyes red and wet. She wipes her face with the back of her hand, as though willing the tears to stop falling. “Yeah, well, I’m sure things will be a lot easier around here without me taking up so much space.” she sighs, standing up. Her hand slips from my grip, and I immediately miss her touch. “And with you two…” I follow her gaze towards the stairs where Serena stormed off to.
I’m on my feet now, taking her gently by the shoulders. She blinks up at me, surprised as I hear my own voice echo through the room. “If you think we’ll be okay without you here, you’re wrong. You’re worth more than the power you hold, and if the Coven can’t see that then forget about them.” Amity opens her mouth as if to say something, but closes it again upon seeing the determined look in my eyes. “What about me?”
“Luz, I-”
“No.” I interrupt her. “Don’t leave.” She hesitates, biting her lower lip, her eyes looking anywhere but at me. My fingers grip around the edges of my jacket that she wears, and she’s so close to me that I can almost feel her breath against my skin. All at once, I am reminded of our kiss, what she felt like, how she tasted. I want her back so badly. “Look at me.” my voice is softer now. She does. “We can fix this together. We just need a little more time.”
“What do you mean?” I swallow, hesitating for a second. She must notice my eyes dart away from hers, as her curiosity and impatience grows. “Time for what?”
My grip on my jacket loosens, but I keep my hands on her shoulders, afraid to take them away. “We took your magic back from the Emperor.” I explain slowly, as though talking to a child. “We just need some time to figure out how it works.”
The look in her eyes tells me this isn’t a secret I should have kept. She takes a step away from me, eyes wide and hands shaking. I try to reach out to her, but it’s no use. The damage is done.