Chapter 1
"I– i thought that… Maybe we can–" Kara's voice was hoarse. She sighed, she knew perfectly well that arguing with Lena now wouldn't make a difference, so she just stayed silent. She couldn't even look at Lena's eyes. Defeated, with her head down and shoulders slumped, she turned around, her steps heavy as she headed towards the balcony window. "I'm so sorry…" she said, before flying off into the night.
Lena, on the other side, was on the verge of crying. But those weren't tears of sadness. She felt betrayed. Those were tears of rage. Rage at herself for being so trusting, for letting herself be fooled. Rage because her love was based on lies. Because Kara, Supergirl, pretended to be her friend so she could keep an eye on her. Of course, a Luthor was just a bomb waiting to explode, right?. It didn't matter what Kara said. It didn't matter that she had given an explanation and an apology. It was all fake before Lena's eyes.
Kara tried, telling her the truth, explaining why she did what she did, why she kept her in the dark, but to no matter, Lena wouldn't listen. Lena had been pretty clear when she told her to fuck off and to never talk to her again, that to her Kara didn't exist anymore.
"You fooled me, you betrayed my trust! I trusted you and all you did was laugh in my face!" Lena said as soon as Kara entered the penthouse that night. They had agreed to eat dinner at Lena's place, but Lena couldn't hold the pain in her chest anymore. The need to confront Kara had become so strong that she could only wait until she closed the door behind her to let all of her feelings free.
"You're dead to me… Don't bother to come back. I don't want to see you, i don't want to hear from you... Just, disappear from my life!" Lena had said before Kara flew off, not knowing the sting in Kara's heart at hearing that nor the damage she'd just done.
Kara had concealed her own tears, at least until she was in the solitude and protection of her apartment, where she openly sobbed. She clutched her chest, where her aching heart was just as painful as kryptonite in that moment. She couldn't breath, everything was spinning, and oh the pain was unbearable.
She laid on her side. The wooden floor was cold against her tear-stained cheek.
"You're dead to me…"
Those words were repeating in her head, and every time they'd stab her heart with the same force. She had hurt Lena, she knew, but never expected it to be this bad.
She had tried to explain... She had tried. But to no avail.
While bearing with the pain, Kara remembered every time she'd saved Lena. Every time she'd chosen her over her duty. Every time she defended her and stood up to her friends for her. Every time she had put Lena above everything else. It made Kara wonder, what would've happened if she told her sooner?
She also remembered the warm smiles, the welcoming hugs, the late night walks, the kisses on the cheek. The occasional bump of hands when walking, their snuggles in the couch. The secrets they shared in the dark, the moments framed in photos. The great team they were in game nights. The drowsy look on Lena's face when she woke up after a sleepover, so soft, so happy, that took Kara all of her willpower not to kiss her right there and then, because friends don't kiss.
It took Kara some time to figure out that she loved Lena, with all her heart and soul, with every fiber of her being. It took her time to realize that her feelings were not platonic, and couldn't compare to anything she'd felt before for anyone.
Kara would tell herself that all she wanted was to protect Lena. And it was true, but that wasn't all.
She was selfish.
She could be just Kara with Lena, and there was no need for her to be the powerful superhero to impress her. The silly jokes and comfy outfits were enough for Lena to like her, and that made Kara appreciate the simplicity of their friendship.
Kara didn't know what Lena saw in her, a junior reporter and clumsy woman, but whatever it was, she was grateful.
But even with all of her efforts, she had hurt Lena. She had caused pain to the love of her life even though she swore to herself that she'd protect her, with her own life if necessary.
But the more she thought of it, the more sense it made. Lena was right. All she did was cause pain to her loved ones. Either by hiding her identity or by telling them. Always putting them at risk.
Supergirl was a symbol of protection, truth and hope, but Kara had hurt and lied to Lena. And now she had lost her hopes that everything would be back to normal and that she'd see Lena smiling at her again.
Maybe it was true that Kara Danvers was a mistake. Or… or was Kara Zor-el the mistake all along?
Maybe her pod should have stayed in the phantom zone forever. Perhaps if she had never landed in earth to begin with, Jeremiah would still be alive and Alex would be happy with her whole family. Maybe if she'd never landed, Lex would have to worry only about one kryptonian and wouldn't murder so many people. Both Kara and Supergirl just caused pain.
If she had just stayed to die with her planet and her mother instead of letting her sent her away… everything would be different. Everyone would be happy.
She was a mistake, and she could see it now. She knew what she had to do.
Laying there in the cold apartment floor, Kara made a decision.