Chapter 15
They returned to the bunker an hour later. Clarke and Madi are given the room that used to be Abby and Marcus’. The room is fairly bare, a bed sits in the middle of the room against one wall. There is a small dresser on the far wall with a small lamp resting on top. Abby and Marcus’ clothes are still inside, which freaks Clarke out a little, thinking that they left so quickly when they defected to the prisoners and that it was so important for them to get out that they didn’t even get they’re things.
Madi sleeps on the left side of the bed, like always. Clarke lies in bed for a while staring at the ceiling. She listens to Madi’s light snoring for what seems like hours, until she realizes sleep is not coming. She sits up slowly, trying her best not to squeak the bed. Her feet touch the floor lightly. When she stands up, the bed squeaks loudly. Clarke turns to Madi, cringing. Madi continues snoring and Clarke breathes a sigh of relief. She walks out of their little room and down the hallway quietly. She counts the rooms, as she had done earlier, and stops at the eleventh door. Clarke opens the door, slowly and carefully. She steps in and closes it behind her. In the dark, she can see an outline of a person sit up in bed.
“Hello?”
“Hi Lex, it’s just me.” Clarke says.
“Klark, is everything okay?” Lexa says, turning on the light on the dresser next to her bed. Octavia, with urging from Bellamy and Clarke (and puppy eyes from Madi), is allowing Lexa to stay for the night with peace terms negotiated until the next morning.
“Yes, everything’s fine. I just wanted to see you.” Clarke admits, sitting on her bed.
“Where’s Madi?” Lexa asks. She breaks eye contact. “With Bellamy.”
“No,” Clarke corrects, almost annoyed. “She’s sleeping, she’s just down the hall, she’ll be fine for a minute.” Lexa nods.
“Are you okay Clarke?” Lexa asks again. Clarke takes a moment before responding.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I just wanted to talk to you about something. I was talking to Harper and then I thought I should talk to you personally.” Lexa gives her an encouraging nod. “It’s about Octavia,” she says, chickening out.
“You have come to me in the middle of the night to ask me about my political plans?” Lexa asks for clarification. Clarke nods dumbly. “Well, I do not want to start anything that might end with casualties. Our numbers are already so few, I do not want to lower them any further. Though, Octavia has done such a poor job as the leader of my people, look at how many she has lost already! All of those she sentenced to death.” Lexa shakes her head. “To be honest with you, I have been awake thinking about all of this. I am glad that you and I are on the same page.” A relieved smile fills Lexa’s cheeks. Again, Clarke can only nod and smile, because she was not, in fact, unable to sleep because of a potential civil war between her people, but because was too busy thinking of Lexa’s pretty eyes, and her smile and where they stand. “I am going to have to work together with Octavia, pardon me, Blodreina, to decide on a peaceful solution. From the way she reacted so aggressively, I don’t know how she will respond to my negotiating for peace. I am the commander, I am the leader of these people, not someone who named herself queen.” Lexa says bitterly.
Clarke agrees, Lexa is the commander, she is the one with the flaim, and in accordance with their faith, she’s the one who should lead their people. Clarke also knows that Octavia has been their leader for over six years, and the transfer of power didn’t just happen overnight. The people praise Octavia for getting them out of the bunker and feel gratitude to her because of it. Clarke knows that it was Lexa’s negotiating skills that allowed that in the first place, but Octavia did keep her promise, after all, and freed them from the bunker. Now they believe she will also lead them to the valley. Clarke knows that people’s hopes and beliefs are often more important to them than anything else.
“I know you’ll figure something out.” Clarke responds. “You know I support you.” Lexa leans back against the wall.
“Octavia’s your family now,” Lexa responds angrily. “Your sister-in-law, or whatever.”
“What are you talking about? She’s not my sister-in-law, Bellamy and I are not married.” Clarke corrects.
“Right,” Lexa says sarcastically.
“The hell are you talking about?” Clarke asks, standing up.
“Forget I said anything,” Lexa says, shaking her head. Lexa prides herself in not letting her feelings get in the way politics or her responsibilities. Somehow, Clarke is able to break into her hard outer shell and Lexa forgets all her training and all her teachings, and all she can think about it Clarke. Either how much she cares for her, or how much she angers her.
“I’m not going to just forget it,” Clarke says, careful not to raise her voice. “You’re mad.” She suddenly realizes. “You’re mad about what happened with Bellamy.”
“Yes,” Lexa snaps. “I’m mad. I’ve been mad. I tried to pretend that I wasn’t, but I am. It upsets me.” Clarke stares at her blankly for a moment. Her raising anger tells her that Lexa has no reason to be mad at her. Lexa cheated on her, they broke up, and Clarke was with someone else. Her sympathetic side reminds her that Lexa was not Lexa when it happened. She was struggling with what seems like a depressive state resulting from trauma. Clarke didn’t know that at the time though, her anger reminds her. Clarke was drunk, it wasn’t a cognitive choice, though a choice was made. Lexa takes a deep breath. “This has nothing to do with Madi, I just want to clarify. I love her, she’s so sweet and wonderful.” Lexa says. “And nothing like her father,” she adds under her breath. Clarke gives her a look. “No, Bellamy’s fine, I did not mean that. He’s not the issue.”
“I am,” Clarke says, connecting the dots. Lexa looks up, frustrated. “We were broken up, I was hurt from what you did first.” Clarke argues. “How can you be mad?”
“I don’t know,” Lexa says, raising her voice. She sighs, lowers her voice and says again, “I don’t know. I am mad, and I do not know why.”
“Well, I lied,” Clarke says, her voice also raised. Lexa looks at her in surprise. Clarke, feeling defensive, throws another element into the fight, “I didn’t come here to talk about Octavia, I came here to tell you that I love you and I wanted to know if you loved me too.” Clarke wants to swallow the words back as soon as she says them. She wants to apologize and run out of the room and find comfort under her covers like a child. She wants to be anywhere but in that room. It was a stupid thing to say.
“Of course I love you Clarke,” Lexa says, standing up and grabbing Clarke’s hands. “Of course I do. I love you and I trusted you. That’s why I’m mad,” Lexa realizes. “I trusted you and loved you, and you still slept with someone else.” She drops Clarke’s hands, and looks at Clarke. For the first time in a long time, Lexa feels tears sting her eyes. For the first time in a long time, Lexa doesn’t mind, and let’s the tears fall.
“I’m sorry,” Clarke apologizes, also crying.
“I know,” Lexa responds. “I know,” and because she’s Lexa, she rests her hand on Clarke’s cheek, wiping away her tears lightly with her thumb. Clarke lets out a choked laugh, of course Lexa is taking care of her even when she is so hurt. Clarke holds Lexa’s hand with both of hers. “You were right, with what you said in the tent. We need to take things slowly. Maybe it is the shock of everything, learning all of this and you being around Bellamy so often, I think the anger was flamed, but will subside soon.” Clarke recognizes Lexa’s avoidance, she pushes all of her feelings to the side because she believes it hinders her. “I love you, you know I have been loving you for a long time, even when I thought you had died, I kept loving you,” she admits. “I just need time, Klark.”