Chapter 13
The alarm woke Chloe up. Beca got out of the tight embrace to close it and Chloe immediately felt the cold. She had been so comfortable, tucked away in Beca’s body and she already missed it.
She stretched her arms without opening her eyes and the hockey player seemed to notice she was awake because Chloe felt a hand caress her cheek.
“Go back to sleep. I’ll see you after practice, okay?”
Chloe tried to open her eyes but the light was bright in the room and she was still so tired. The only time she hated being so in tune with her emotions was when something bad happened. It felt like her entire self was sick, like her body was punishing her for feeling negative emotions. Someone like Chloe Beale wasn’t supposed to be angry or sad, she was supposed to exude happiness; that’s what she wanted.
She turned to face the wall, hoping it would dim the light a little. She was half asleep as Beca shuffled around the room as quietly as possible and finally she felt a kiss in her hair and she heard the door close. She avoided thinking of how domestic this all felt and fell back into a slumber.
She woke up an hour later. She stared at the ceiling of Beca’s dorm room but all she could picture was the way Aubrey had looked at her and the harsh words that had come out of her mouth. She had seen Aubrey angry many times, but it was never as angry and it was especially never directed at her. She really felt as though she had just lost her best friend.
She sighed and sat up in the bed. There was no use trying to go back to sleep and she was only going to torture herself thinking of what happened over and over again. She grabbed one of Beca’s jackets and slipped it on before walking out the door with only her phone and earphones in her pocket. She probably looked like a mess with her face free of make up and her hair in a messy bun but she didn’t care.
The walk to the arena was about 30 minutes and it wasn’t too cold outside so it felt nice to be able to breathe fresh air. She was listening to a playlist that Beca had made her with all of her mash-ups and she tried to focus on that instead of Aubrey the entire walk to the arena. When she got in the parking lot, she saw Jessica and Ashley getting in the same car.
She checked the time, technically there was still half an hour left to the practice. She bumped into Lilly that was walking out.
“Hey, practice is already over?”
She only heard the words “Coach” and “appointment” so she put two and two together and nodded. She still went in because Beca’s car was still in the parking lot so that meant she was still there. She walked to the locker room, smiling at Emily politely in the hallway.
There was only Stacie, Fat Amy and Cynthia-Rose left, which were the three that always lingered in the locker room the longest after practice, never in a hurry to get anywhere.
“Nurse Beale!” Cynthia-Rose said, surprised to see her.
“Short stack said you weren’t going to come today. What are you doing here?”
Since Beca wasn’t there, she assumed she was in the shower. She pointed to the door leading to the shower room.
“Forgot something in there.”
Stacie barked out a laugh. “You forgot something in there,” she repeated.
Chloe let herself smile a little and pressed her back on the door. “I did. Silly me right?” She pushed the door open with her back and entered the room.
“Think she forgot an orgasm in there,” she heard Amy say before the door closed and then loud laughter.
Beca was singing a song that she didn’t recognize and instantly, Chloe felt better at the sound. The hockey player really was an incredible singer and Chloe had to find a way to make her sing more often. She followed the voice to the same stall that Beca always used and over the sound of the singing and the shower, Beca didn’t hear her stripping.
When she was totally naked, she opened the curtains making Beca’s voice turn into a squeak of surprise and she nearly slipped on the floor but Chloe caught her by the arms.
“Dude!” Beca said in a shaky voice. “You have got to stop doing this.”
Chloe smiled at her apologetically and closed the curtains. When she turned around, Beca was looking at her with an eyebrow raised.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Chloe scoffed. “I was just sad and needed something to occupy my mind with so I thought I’d come watch you play. Not my fault practice ended early.”
“So you just joined me in the shower,” Beca said but still moved so Chloe could get some of the water on her.
“Well duh. Look at how cute your butt is,” she said and squeezed it. The hockey player squirmed away with a laugh and the noise sounded like a melody to Chloe’s ears.
“Weirdo,” Beca said and then her face softened. Somehow, the redhead knew what she was going to ask before she even said the words. She spoke up before Beca could.
“Not now, okay? No talking just-- showering.”
Beca nodded and pulled their bodies closer. Without thinking, Chloe leaned down to kiss her and the hockey player kissed her back firmly. After a few seconds, Beca pulled away to whisper against her lips.
“Want me to wash your hair?”
“God, yes.”
It started out a very tender shower but the feeling of Beca’s fingers massaging her scalp couldn’t help but make her moan and well-- things escalated fast after that. No one could really blame Chloe for wanting to touch all of Beca when she was right there naked next to her and hot water was falling on top of them. Long story short, they broke the one rule that Chloe had been told since day 1 but not one part of her felt guilty over it.
When they got out of the shower, Chloe was already feeling better. It was incredible how this moody girl had the power to make her feel happier and she was pretty sure she was one of the few lucky people on Earth that could say that.
“Fun shower?” Fat Amy asked when they got out.
“So are we allowed to have sex in the locker room again?” Stacie added like they knew even though Chloe had made sure to put her hand on Beca’s mouth the whole time so nobody would hear.
“Bite me,” Beca answered, quickly grabbing her stuff and walking out with Chloe closely behind her. The redhead snickered thinking that the hockey player left this fast because she didn’t want her teammates to see the mark that Chloe made on her neck.
It was a bad idea, she thought as they were driving back to Beca’s dorm. It was a bad idea because she was in love with the girl but Beca wasn’t thinking these thoughts at all. As far as she knew, they were “just having fun” until they both had to leave at the end of the year. Chloe didn’t even want to think about the fact that having fun seemed to mean doing anything that a couple did but without the label.
She didn’t want to pressure Beca with all these overwhelming feelings because the hockey player was already bad at dealing with emotions so Chloe didn’t want to add hers on top of that. She only had a couple months left before they both left. Chloe to her adult life and Beca to LA. It felt weird to think neither of them were going to be at Barden next year. It felt… wrong.
She didn’t even have the Bellas anymore because they hadn’t made it to Finals. It felt weird to think that now the only thing she had to look forward to was graduation. She didn’t have the strength to do so. She was falling behind on a couple of her classes, mainly Maps and Russian Literature but these classes were so boring. Who could blame her? She didn’t even know if she wanted to pass that much.
What if she could get a second chance at the Bellas?
She listened to Beca as the girl talked about how the practice went and observed the twinkle in her eyes as she explained what kinda shenanigans Fat Amy got into that day. Sometimes, she didn’t understand why the girl wanted to leave Barden already when she seemed to enjoy her hockey team so much. Beca could do so much more if she actually gave college a chance. She could even join the Bellas-- hell, she could be the captain of the Bellas too.
With Beca’s help, she was sure they could make the Bellas so much better. If only Aubrey would listen to her.
“Chlo,” Beca suddenly said and Chloe realized she hadn’t really been listening to what the hockey player was telling her.
“Sorry, I was just-- lost in thought.”
Beca sat down next to her, their backs leaning on the wall. She didn’t say anything, though. She just waited for Chloe to talk. The redhead looked at her lap and played with her fingers.
“I think I lost Aubrey,” she said in a quiet voice.
“How come?”
“I…” she trailed off. What if the whole mash-up idea had actually been a bad idea and it was the reason why they got the third place? Maybe Aubrey was right to be mad at her. She felt her eyes sting as they filled with tears.
Beca immediately pulled her closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. “Hey, you’re okay. Tell me what happened yesterday.”
Chloe took a breath. “Well, you know how I told you we always do the same routine at any competitions?” Beca nodded. “At Regionals, I noticed that what we were doing wasn’t enough but Aubrey wouldn’t even listen to me so I thought I’d take care of things myself.”
Beca looked at her confused and then it seemed to click in her mind. She looked over at her laptop on the desk where they had spent hours working in the middle of the night over a month ago.
“Bulletproof,” she said in a smile that Chloe didn’t see.
“Yeah,” Chloe nooded shyly, eyes still on her lap. “I started singing the arrangement I made because you said it fit right, you know? And I thought it would help because the judges seemed to like it more but…” She gave herself some time to collect herself before continuing. “But Aubrey hated it and accused me of sabotaging the Bellas and it seemed like she was right because we got third place. It was stupid.”
“Stupid?” She put a finger under Chloe’s chin to make her look at her. “Red, that’s fucking badass.”
Chloe paused. “What?”
“Dude, you were right. The mash-up did sound great and I bet it sounded even better with your voice. Man, I wish I could have seen that.”
“So you don’t think it’s what doomed us?”
Beca shook her head. “No way. If what you said is true and that you guys always do the same set while people like the Trebles change it up every time, of course the audience got bored of you. I would have done the same thing as you.”
She thought of Aubrey saying she changed since she met Beca. Perhaps she did, but it certainly was not for the worst. Actually, she liked who she was more since she met the hockey player
“Really?”
“Fuck yeah, dude.” She shifted slightly so her body could face the redhead and took her hand. “Look, I’m really sorry about the Bellas. I know you wanted to make it to the Finals. But you did what you had to do and I’m proud of you. You and Aubrey are best friends. I bet you guys will get over this.”
“I don’t know. She seemed so mad at me for screwing our chances at the Finals.”
“You’re not the one that screwed the Bellas up. She is. She should’ve listened to you more because that’s what a captain does. I know what I’m talking about, okay? If you guys wanted to win, you needed to work together as a team.”
Chloe nodded sadly. “It just sucks.”
“I know,” Beca said and she squeezed her hand. “Maybe you’ll finally listen to me and finally get your surgery now, though. Give your voice a chance.”
The senior took a deep breath. Beca had a point. She didn’t have the obligation to sing anymore and it really was getting worse. She took painkillers before every rehearsal and competition but at this point, it didn’t even help. She nodded, a tear slipping out of her eye and rolling on her cheek.
Beca immediately kissed it away.
…
It was weird. Living in a house with someone that you didn’t talk to. She obviously couldn’t stay in Beca’s tiny dorm room forever so after hanging out there for as long as possible after hockey practice, she eventually had to come home.
It had been two weeks of avoiding each other, coming out the room after they heard one of them close a door and silence reigned in the house. Chloe hated it. Usually you could always hear the TV or the radio playing and if it wasn’t that, then it was because one of them was singing. It was a happy house, one that Chloe always felt full in.
Beca had only come over a few times since the semi-finals because she preferred not to think of what happened if Aubrey and Beca were to cross paths. So they only saw each other when Kimmy-Jin wasn’t there which wasn’t that often. Chloe would like to say she used the time to study for her finals but she didn’t. She laid in bed, scrolling for hours on her phone or she’d hang out with Cynthia-Rose or Stacie because she did get along well with them.
Her surgery was this Saturday, right after Beca’s final game of the season. She couldn’t believe how fast this assignment had gone by and how it was already over. Graduation was in a little over a month and the ICCA for the Bellas should have been just a few days after but unfortunately that plan had been ruined.
It was a simple procedure but it still very much scared her. She didn’t like hospitals too much, it was such a sad place and she hated the atmosphere. It reminded her of when her dad got sick when she was young and it wasn’t a fun memory for her. It had taught her a lot about always showing how much you loved someone before it was too late.
On the day of the surgery, she ran into Aubrey in the hallway. She swallowed with difficulty and decided to be the bigger person because she missed her best friend terribly.
“I’m going to the hospital after the game.”
Immediately, the blonde looked worried and Chloe knew that even if they were in a fight right now, Aubrey still cared for her. That reassured her.
“Are you okay?”
She nodded. “It’s for my nodes. The surgery is today.”
Aubrey looked at her a long time before nodding. She didn’t make a move to hug her or anything, they just stared at each other across the hall. “I hope it goes well.”
“Thank you.”
She turned around and she was about to go downstairs when she heard her name. Aubrey was looking at the floor and spoke quietly but Chloe still heard it.
“Good luck to the Dames as well.”
Chloe smiled with the corner of her mouth and nodded before leaving the house. Her stress for the surgery was mixed with the excitement that she had for the game. She was going to miss going to the arena so much, it had almost become some kind of second home to her during this time. She had a gut feeling they were going to win today, they had to.
She walked into the locker room and saw Beca listening to music in the corner like always. Except, like the hockey player could feel her presence, she opened one eye to make eye contact with Chloe when she walked in. She smiled at her and Chloe smiled back.
She knew that moment of focus was important for Beca, though, so she joined Jessica and Ashley’s conversation until Gail came in the room, gave a little speech and then it was time for Beca to talk.
Beca looked a little emotional over the fact that this was their last game. She looked at every single one of them before starting to talk. “Alright. This is it, girls. We made it to the end of the season and it was an incredible one. You guys know I’m not one to be sentimental and I’m not going to be but I just wanted to thank you guys before it’s too late because I’m never going to forget these moments.” The reference about leaving flew over everyone’s head but Chloe’s. She knew no one knew about her plan to move to LA except her. This really was Beca’s last game with them. “I love you awesome nerds. Let’s go win this last game!”
They all cheered happily and steel blue eyes met ocean blue eyes, there was a hint of sadness in them and Chloe wondered if there was a way to convince her to maybe stay after all. To make her see she could continue playing with the Dames if she didn’t leave right away.
She caught Beca after Luke and Gail had left and gave her a firm kiss on the mouth. Beca smiled into it and caressed her cheek softly. It all felt so natural.
“Make good choices,” Chloe whispered after they pulled away.
Beca smirked. “You know me,” she said before walking out.
The number 47 was on fire today. Chloe could see she was determined to make the best out of her last game with the Dames. So far, it was 2-2 with Beca scoring one goal and one assist. Somehow, Chloe’s eyes always followed Beca on the ice and she loved the way the girl moved on her skates. She couldn’t believe the hockey player was going to throw all that talent away so soon.
During second and third period, Chloe caught Beca in the locker room.
“Have you ever thought about not leaving?” she said, her hand around Beca’s bicep.
“What?” the hockey player said breathless.
“Don’t you love this feeling? This doesn’t have to be your last game. Look at these girls.” Beca’s eyes roamed around the room where all the players were. “They love you. They need you.”
The hockey player’s face was red from exhaustion and she was breathing loudly. She seemed to think about the words for a little but then her face went blank. “I’m going to LA, Chloe.”
The redhead heard the anger behind the words and decided to let go. Besides, she had planted the seed, maybe it could harvest later. “Okay,” she said and leaned forward to kiss her cold cheek. A few of the players saw it and whooped loudly.
“Lesbihonest!” Amy said and Beca turned to glare at her.
Right at the beginning of third period, Beca collided with a player twice her size, sending her to the board with force. Everyone in the crowd shouted loudly as Chloe’s heart skipped a beat. The number 47 had smacked head first into the glass and then she fell backward. Beca was good, really good at hockey but she was also pretty tiny and the girl in the opposite team must have been 6 foot something so the collision had been harsh on her.
It wasn’t long that she was sent to the penalty box and Lilly helped Beca skate to the home bench where Chloe could see a nose bleed. Despite how nervous she felt, she smiled. It was almost fitting that the girl would get a nose bleed today.
Beca saw her smile through her helmet and seemed to realize something because she licked her lips and then instantly regretted it when she realized she had just licked a lot of blood. The redhead chuckled when Beca cringed.
She followed Beca to the locker room, inspecting the MITCHELL on her back and the number 47. She was having a crazy deja vu feeling but at the same time, some much had changed that it didn’t quite feel the exact same.
Over 6 months ago, Chloe had seen one of the most beautiful girls she had ever seen take off her helmet in front of her to deal with a bloody nose. Today, Chloe was seeing the girl she was in love with take off her helmet to deal with a bloody nose.
It seemed like it was happening in slow motion as Beca took off her helmet, revealing her low ponytail and turning around so Chloe could see her face that seemed to be glowing from the sweat.
“Hand me a tissue, will you?” Beca said and Chloe took a step forward instead. She put one hand on Beca’s shoulder and she wiped the blood herself. Beca looked at her with warm blue eyes and Chloe couldn’t believe this was the last time she’d ever see the hockey player in her uniform.
She was a sucker for Beca in all kinds of outfits, or even naked, but there was something about the girl in her hockey uniform that made Chloe’s stomach flip.
The whole holding-the-tissue-for-her didn’t work so well though so Beca took over after a while and Chloe sat next to her. She remembered feeling so awkward about the silence months ago and now she basked in it, feeling it fill her heart.
She looked at her and Beca turned to her. She still remembered the standoffish attitude and how much it had intrigued her. Now, she was probably the person that knew Beca the most and Chloe was more than okay with that responsibility.
“Well? You’re gonna tell me something about yourself?”
Beca scoffed, “We’re still doing this?”
“Totes.”
Beca wiped her nose a few times and seemed relieved to see it had stopped running.
“I don’t even know what you don’t know.”
“Come on, there has to be something I don’t know yet.”
“I don’t think so, Red. I think you’ve hit the limit. You don’t need to hang out with me anymore.”
Like that was gonna happen.
She put on her best puppy eyes. “Please? Think of something.”
Beca thought about it for a second and her face relaxed when she thought of something. She looked at Chloe straight in the eyes with an intensity she had rarely seen on the brunette before. “I’m gonna go out there and I’m going to win this game for you.”
Chloe opened her mouth but she had no idea what to say. Beca smiled and surged forward to kiss her hard. Before Chloe could even kiss back, the girl was back on her feet (well, skates) and walked out of the room to get back on the ice.
She made her way back thinking she didn’t get the chance to say a fact about herself back to Beca. Maybe it was a good thing because she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to stop herself from saying the fact that she truly wanted to say.
I’m in love with someone. I’m in love with you actually.
Beca jumped over the board, her skates landing on the ice skillfully and instantly she dove for the puck. Chloe watched her with avid eyes as she stole the puck from the opposite player and then slid it from right to left a few times. A player came towards her and she twirled on her skates, passing it to Stacie. Stacie brought them closer to the opposite goal, passed it at the last second to Beca who’s hockey stick was already in the air and hit it hard when it came at her.
The puck hit the back of the net as the air horn blew and the crowd cheered happily. Chloe couldn’t even cheer along, all she felt was her heart leaping out of her chest. Beca was far away, too far for her to see where she was looking but she swore she could feel the steel blue eyes on her.
She wondered if there was a chance Beca felt as strongly as she did for her. But then she remembered that even if she did, they were going to part ways too soon and maybe it was better they left some things unsaid. So they didn’t have to feel the heaviness of the separation as strongly. They were having fun, it was fun and Chloe didn’t want to play around with that. As long as she could keep kissing Beca, she’d be happy.
An almost was better than a goodbye that happened too soon.
Right?
Then, she’d be left an adult and she’ll have other shit to figure out than a reckless hockey player that got hurt way too often for her own good. Even if she loved taking care of that hockey player more than anything.
Fat Amy organized a party in the courtyard for tonight and that was when Chloe remembered she had surgery in two hours. Even though it was a short surgery, she wasn’t going to have enough energy to go partying. She felt a pang of sadness at that, knowing that she wouldn’t ever be with all these girls again. These girls had made her feel like home in this locker room and she’d appreciate it forever. She couldn’t help it, she took a few pictures of the girls all celebrating and hugging so she could remember this moment forever.
“You did really good,” Luke said, suddenly appearing besides her.
A smile split her face in half. “Thanks, Luke.”
“If you ever find your way back to Barden, you can always come back here.” He extended a hand but she had never been the kind to shake hands so she threw her arms around him and he chuckled a little, hugging her back. “Here, that’s my evaluation on your academic performance this season. Give that to your teacher and if she doesn’t give you an A, come talk to me.”
She smiled, accepting the piece of paper and tucked it in her back pocket. On that little piece of paper, explained a few months in Chloe Beale’s life, never explaining how deeply meaningful it had been. It didn’t explain how she met girls that she’d consider friends for a long time. It didn’t explain how she met Beca, the girl who stole her heart as fast as she could steal a puck from someone.
It was just an evaluation but between these lines, Chloe’s life had changed.
She made eye contact with Beca across the room and the latter gestured at her to meet her outside. She slipped out of the room unnoticed because everyone was talking loudly and saw Beca still in uniform leaning on one of the brick walls of the arena.
“Hey,” she said to catch her attention and the brunette straightened up. “Good job today, Becs. You were amazing.”
“Thanks, Red,” Beca said, a hint of a blush on her cheeks because of the praise. Some things never changed. “I’m glad you’re getting the surgery.”
Chloe nodded, slightly nervous. “Thanks. I’m pretty scared.”
“I can come with you if you--”
“Hey no,” Chloe said, shaking her head. “Today’s the last time you’ll hang out with these girls like that. You need to focus on them, don’t think about me.”
Something flashed in Beca’s eyes but Chloe couldn’t quite read it. She wondered what she was thinking about right now. If she was thinking the same things Chloe was. That maybe, leaving Barden this year wasn’t the best idea. That Beca saying she wanted to win this game for her meant something and the fact that she did win it meant even more.
“Get drunk,” the redhead continued. “Have fun. You deserve it. But text me from time to time, okay? And don’t kiss anyone,” she added at the last second suddenly insecure about the possibility of Beca kissing someone else. She knew she technically had no right to control what the hockey player did but she definitely did not want her to kiss someone that wasn’t her.
Beca grimaced in response to the last thing she said and the ginger controlled the smile on her face to not let it get too big. “I wish you could be there.” Chloe grinned at the shy expression on Beca’s face and the latter rolled her eyes. “Dude, don’t make it weird.”
Chloe threw her hands in the air, “I didn’t say anything.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“I knew you’d become obsessed.”
“You’re so weird.”
“Thanks,” she said before looking at the time. “Alright, I should leave. Tell everyone goodbye for me, okay? Tell them I love them and this wasn’t the last time I’d see them.”
Beca nodded and then cleared her throat awkwardly. She looked to her left and right before standing on her tiptoes to kiss Chloe tenderly. The redhead hummed, taking Beca’s lower lip between her lips. No matter how many times it happened, it still made her heart flutter when their lips touched. It just felt so right. She pulled away before they started something they couldn’t finish and Beca stroked Chloe’s cheek with her thumbs.
“It’s gonna go super well. Text me as soon as you can.”
“Okay, thank you.” The I love you was on the tip of her tongue so before it slipped out, she quickly kissed the brunette one last time before walking away.
Before getting in her car, she looked at Beca one last time and was pleased to see her looking at Chloe already. The hockey player put two fingers on her forehead and saluted in a dorky way and Chloe chuckled to herself, wondering if she was the only one that knew about this side of Beca. The side of her that always had an easy smile on her face and that could actually giggle . The thought warmed her heart.
Suddenly, she didn’t feel so sure whether an almost was really going to make this all more easy.
Maybe it’d make it way harder.