Chapter 7
After that short night, Clarke went home to get ready, she was on duty later and had arranged to meet Raven and O` for lunch at a restaurant before that. She was now running a little late.
"You what?" O` couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You spent the whole night with your dream girl? Uuuand...did something go down?" Clarke shook her head in amusement and Raven couldn't help laughing either.
"Of course something went down, I mean, did you guys get a look at her?" interjected Raven.
"Guys..." exclaimed Clarke, rolling her eyes. " First of all, yes, she was my favorite actress on the show and yes, I always thought she was beautiful." Knowingly, Raven and O` looked at each other. "But we're friends now, I couldn't even look at her that way anymore. "
"Well, sure," Raven interjected.
"Of course," it now came ironically from Octavia as well.
Clarke simply ignored them both. "And you know I'm dating someone."
"Right, we must have forgotten, because you talk more about Lexa than him. Neither of us know him, what he looks like, or have any other info. You're making this way too mysterious. He's just a guy."
Clarke looked firmly at the two women. "Have you guys ever thought that it's on purpose that you don't know him yet? You'll end up scaring him away."
Indignant looks were thrown her way.
"That's not true at all," came as if from one mouth from both of them.
"He's just butt ugly and you're ashamed of yourself, right?" now came from Raven.
"Forget about him, I'm much more excited about what's going to happen with Lexa."
"What's going to happen next?" Clarke asked Octavia.
"Will you see each other again? And if so, when? What are you guys going to do?"
"I have no idea. Most of the time it happens very spontaneously. She writes to me or I write to her. Sometimes we talk on the phone."
"Wait a minute Clarke. You have her number??? You never told us that."
The blonde began to laugh. "How else would we see each other? Always on the spur of the moment? Both of us walking around town hoping to run into someone we know?"
After meeting with her two friends and an exceptionally short shift at the hospital, Clarke and Finn had arranged a meeting place in town. The blonde was a few minutes late, however, because she had been delayed by Attending Kane. When she finally saw the young man with the velvety voice at the agreed place, a pretty brunette stood by him and kissed him. At the same moment that the blonde realized that it was Raven, the latter caught sight of her and beamed at her.
"Hey Clarke. Meet my wonderful boyfriend Finn." she looked at him in love. "He just got back in town today. He's a gifted journalist and photographer." Finn obviously didn't know how to act. Raven poked him in the side and that's when he found his speech again.
"Hey Clarke, nice to meet you," he formally held out his hand to her.
"Now don't be stiff." Laughed the Latina, nudging him. "Since when are you shy, please?" Raven hugged him while he still stood transfixed.
"We've known each other since we were kids and about the same amount of time we've been together. He's always been my protector."
Clarke didn't know much about the Latina's past, except that her father was dead and her mother had drowned her sorrow over it in alcohol and, well, that her childhood friend had been a great support to her. Now she also knew who she had meant by that. In order to be able to escape the unpleasant situation, she finally said goodbye and said that she absolutely had to go on because of an important appointment. Agitated, she left the two behind, undecided what she should do.
After this strange encounter, Finn tried to reach her several times, but she did not answer the calls or messages. He tried so many times that she finally turned it off, unnerved, and let it disappear deep in her pocket. Her feet brought her as if by themselves to a certain hotel.
The man at the hotel counter looked at her kindly. "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to see Miss Lexa Woods." The smile faded a tiny bit and the look became suspicious.
"Are you on the list, then?"
Clarke raised an eyebrow questioningly. "What list?"
Knowingly, the man nodded. "Then I can't give you any information or let them up."
Clarke, whose nerves had already been clearly strained today, had to try to restrain herself.
"Then could you at least call her." It was less a request than a demand.
Sullenly, he nodded.
"I can try but Miss Woods is very strict about these matters. The likelihood of you being allowed to see her is actually non-existent."
Confident, Clarke just looked at him while the man reached for the phone.
"Who may I announce?"
"Clarke Griffin. Hmm, she probably doesn't know my last name. Just tell her Clarke from the beach is here."
He screwed up his expression and dialed the number.
"Miss Woods? A Miss Griffin is here to see you."
A brief silence and then a sideways glance at me.
"She said you might not know the last name. Do you know a Clarke from the beach?" Silence again, then a nod. "It's fine Miss Woods, I'll tell her." After that, the phone went off the hook.
Briefly, he cleared his throat.
"Miss Griffin. Miss Woods lives on the top floor." Another silence, apparently not liking the next words so much. "As long as Miss Woods resides here, you will be on her list and a constant guest of hers."
Clarke glanced at the name tag, Roan Prince. Confident, she looked at him. "Thank you very much. Mr. Prince." With those words, she walked to the elevator and rode up, a long hallway leading to the only door she finally knocked on. From the looks of it, the entire upper floor consisted of just one room. After a few seconds the door was opened.
Lexa looked at her, worry reflected in her eyes.
"What's wrong Clarke?"
"Do you remember Finn?"
"Yeah, I remember him." With discomfort and a sinking feeling, the brunette did.
"He has a girlfriend, Raven, one of my former patients. They've been together for several years." There was a brief pause. "He cheated on her with me. Raven is a friend of mine and he's a huge asshole, and I was just falling in love with him." You could really see her desperation, light tears shimmering in her eyes.
The last words stung the brunette's heart. She didn't want to hear something like that and when she realized this, she carefully rebuilt her slightly lowered walls higher.
Clarke looked at Lexa, but she was still silent until she decided to confide in the blonde something that still haunted her herself.
"I also lost a special person who was incredibly important to me. Her name was Costia. She was the one who told my secrets. Because she belonged to me and I trusted her, she knew everyone and she took advantage of that. I thought I would never get over the pain. But I did." Lexa's gaze was unblinking forward, talking matter-of-factly as if she were merely reciting facts, but there was so much more in her gaze.
"And how?" Curious blue eyes fixed on the young woman beside her.
"I realized what it really is." The two women looked at each other. "Weakness."
"What was it? Love?"
Lexa nodded and averted her gaze.
"So you stopped loving. Caring for others." It was more a statement than a question, and again the brunette nodded, barely perceptible.
"I could never do that," Clarke said firmly.
"Then you're putting yourself in danger. Your secrets are not safe anywhere. Eventually people will betray you, they all do. And the pain will never go away."
The young woman thought about the words. They made perfect sense, but she doubted that this was the solution. It made one feel lonely, and maybe that's why Lexa sometimes acted so reserved.
"Are you going to talk to her?"
Clarke had been so deep in thought that she didn't understand who Lexa was referring to.
"To whom?"
"Raven, she should know."
Her mouth went dry, how was she going to do that?
"Do it before Finn has a chance to make the story different than it is."
Lexa was right, she knew that, so she nodded silently, said goodbye to the brunette, and stepped out the door. There, she pulled her phone out of her pocket, turned it back on, and dialed a number.
"Raven? Do you have time to meet with me today?"
"You what?!" Raven almost screamed, she had lost her complete composure after Clarke confessed to her that she and Finn had dated and had sex too. Her world was just coming apart at the seams, the future she had envisioned and planned with Finn long ago shattered in a matter of seconds. She lost not only her steady, but also her best friend, her family and her protector. He had been the one who had saved her from her mother, held her when things had gotten too much for her, and had been the only one to make her feel like she wasn't alone for so long. All of that now lay in shambles before her.
"I didn't know he had a girlfriend, he never said anything about one," Clarke's voice broke off.
"That makes me feel better right away," the Latina gave an ironic snort.
"At least it explains his attitude toward me lately, and even more so, his behavior today when you met." Raven was angry, only she didn't know at whom. At herself for not noticing? At Clarke, who had slept with her boyfriend but hadn't known about a girlfriend? Or at Finn, who had led them both on?
The next words came to Raven's lips with difficulty.
"Did you guys meet again today?"
Clarke shook his head vigorously. "No, he tried to reach me several times, but I didn't answer any messages or take his calls. After everything that's happened, I never want to see him again."
The two women looked into each other's eyes and the stoic demeanor Raven had just had began to crumble. They both realized that they had to rebuild their friendship a bit, but also had the certainty that they would be able to do it, maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually.
They talked tentatively for a while before saying goodbye. Clarke blamed herself a lot and her thoughts did not come to rest. While walking to her car, she dialed a number.
"Can I come over?"
Arriving at the lobby of the hotel, she walked past Roan with her head held high and one hand raised in greeting, and directly toward the elevator. She pressed the button for the top floor.
The door was already open and when she stepped into the room, it was lit by soft candlelight that made the room cozier. Lexa was already in her nightgown and had just come out of the bathroom when she caught sight of Clarke.
"So you've been talking to Raven." It was a statement and while green eyes fixed Clarke, she knew nothing to do with herself. She felt lost, lonely and didn't want to be alone today. She would probably lie awake all night otherwise, her thoughts continuing to spin in circles.
"Can I stay here tonight?" the blonde asked almost shyly.
She couldn't look Lexa in the eye, what would she think of her? Would the brunette send her home?
But Lexa just nodded slightly, went to her closet and took out a nightgown for her. While Clarke changed, the slender beauty turned her back. She didn't want to offend her, but the blonde had started undressing so quickly that she hadn't had a chance to leave the room.
"Thank you for letting me stay and for being there for me," Clarke gently broke the silence, causing the walls surrounding Lexa to shake and finally crumble.
The two women lay side by side in bed; they hadn't spoken much since Clarke had walked in the door.
"Lexa?" A bright voice filtered through to the brunette.
"Hmm?"
"Has anything like what happened to Costia ever happened to you before?" Immediately, the addressed woman's whole body tensed, but that's when a hand found hers and squeezed it lightly.
"Yes," sighed the brunette. The tension gradually gave way. "For a long time I had a bodyguard, his name was Gustus." There was a pause, it took so much strength to talk about it. "He was my confidant, my advisor. He protected my life, but first and foremost he was my friend. Gustus was also by my side while I met Costia. I have rarely felt so protected and loved in my life as I did during that time. They filled a void I had never been aware of." Another deep sigh.
"I could no longer imagine life without my two confidants, at least not until that moment when they had joined forces and sold my secrets for a lot of money. Titus, my manager, found out, however, and was able to prevent them from going public. He sued them, but we were able to settle out of court. So we kept the group of insiders as small as possible and were able to prevent the damage. At least the public one."
Clarke took her in his arms with a tenderness that was more healing than any words. Lexa lay in the crook of her neck, unable to speak further.
Finally, the blonde gathered the courage to ask a question that pained her so much and whose answer she feared so much.
"Do you think I am a bad person? After everything that has happened? After everything you know now?"
Lexa's head snapped up, green eyes searching for blue and when she didn't find them, the brunette grabbed Clarke's chin, forcing her to look at her. There was so much doubt in the blue eyes, while the green ones lovingly tried to dispel it.
"I could never think of you that way, Clarke. It was a mistake, it doesn't set you apart, it doesn't make you a different person. Learn from it and do better next time."
The soothing words helped Clarke calm down inside and the two women talked about God and the world, everything that was on their minds and shared many secrets until Lexa snuggled into Clarke's arm. Half asleep and without realizing it, the brunette whispered with a smile; "That feels like arriving", before Clarke could say anything back Lexa had already fallen asleep, leaving the blonde with a soft smile.