“I still remember you as a little girl
who overwaters plants because she doesn’t know
When to stop giving”
— Trista Mateer (24 of 30)
—————————
Honami is slumped.
She’s been sitting at her desk for 3? 4? Hours now? The minutes have blurred together and the clocks hands seem to shift with every time she looks up. The words in front of her have blurred into clumps of incomprehensible black that swirl in and out of her view. She can barely keep her eyes open.
Really, she can just, not do it.
Not do the other’s parts.
Thing is, Honami is horrible at saying no, horrible with setting boundaries.
For context, Honami’s new assignment consisted of a group project between two other girls. The work could very easily be spread equally between three people, each of them could probably finish their own sections in relatively quick time, leaving them a nice one week gap from submission date to just relax. Honami had been confident going into the task.
Well, had.
The night before submission, she had received two frantic texts between both girls in the project. Some fibbed up excuse about practice and computer confiscation, leaving them begging for Honami to do their parts. After all, she didn’t want to fail did she?
(She didn’t want to lose their respect, did she?)
So here she is, with only the dimming light of her desk lamp and the exhaustion that eats her alive. God, if she could at least have gotten a few days notice in advance it would’ve been so much better for her mental health.
Suddenly her phone rings, leaving her letting out a short squeal of surprise.
Caller ID: Shiho Hinomori
She sighs in relief, she could really use some moral support right now.
She picks up, a little too eagerly for her liking but nonetheless. Soon enough, Shiho’s low, soothing voice cut through the thick silence of the night.
“Oh— I didn’t think you’d be awake.” Shiho mutters embarrassedly, Honami can almost see the crystal clear image of Shiho looking off to the side abashedly, cheeks tinted pink with fluster.
“Hehe, hello Shiho-chan.” Honami giggled, putting her phone on speaker and propping it up on her night lamp so she could simultaneously work and talk to her beloved, “What is it you were calling about?”
“Ah, nothing, just couldn’t sleep.” Honami can hear the sound of sheets rustling on the other side of the line, a disgruntled grunt coming from Shiho’s mouth as she shifted positions (presumably).
“Oh, anything in particular or?” Honami asks, concerned. She always had a tendency to worry about the slightest things, even if they were small and insignificant things.
“Nope. I just feel wide awake for some reason.” Shiho grumbles. Honami giggles again, happy that she’s alright, “And…why are you awake then?”
Honami sighs in defeat, the fatigue catching up to her, “Guess it’s the opposite for me. I want to sleep, but I can’t really.”
Shiho makes a noise, something akin to confusion, “Huh? Why? Are you out right now?”
“No, it’s just…”
She retells her whole ordeal with great detail. Every minuscule factor. She rants about how lousy the excuses are and whines about the lack of effort and overall just complains her heart out because goddamn was it frustrating.
“And maybe if they had at least done just like, a tiny bit! Maybe I’d be done by now—“
“Why don’t you just not?” Shiho states bluntly. Honami winces at how plainly she had put it, how simple the solution really is. Honami doesn’t have to work for them, she can just tell the teacher the other girls didn’t do their part and just submit her own work.
But… the mere thought of it was nightmarish for Honami.
Because with telling the teacher came with punishment for her other group mates, which then came with anger and resentment, which then came with her own punishment of being loathed and tormented, which then leads to gossip, rumours, and the possibility of Honami being completely shut out.
She can’t deal with it. Not again.
“I can’t.” She whispers, more to herself than anything, “I just— I can’t.”
It’s silent. Honami can hear her own breaths, heaving and tired, just exhausted from it all.
Shiho doesn’t speak for a while either. Mulling it over in that mind of hers, that expansive, complex mind. One that Honami still gets lost in when she around, when they’re stuck in the quiet of just them two, and Honami has a moment to sift through those pretty thoughts of hers.
“I understand.” Shiho finally says, “Just, I hope one day you’ll understand how much more you’re worth than you’re petty classmates.”
Honami nods, only realising that Shiho can’t see her, before responding softly, “Maybe.”
Honami wants to see. Wants to break out of the vicious cycle of just constantly pleasing people, of setting herself up on a pedestal and letting people take and take.
Maybe she will. But for now all she can do is slowly slip back into conversation with Shiho.
For now they’ll mindlessly ramble about all sorts of things. Let the night paint itself across the tiny houses and winding tarmac roads until they’re voices grow hoarse. Until Shiho finally feels relaxed enough to sleep, until Honami finally finishes her project.
Honami will calmly butt in with her own insight when Shiho needed. Shiho will try her best to help Honami out on questions when she needed.
“I’m going now Honami.” Shiho mumbles, “Night, Love you.”
“Love you too Shiho-chan.”
The call will click off, and Honami will be left with the silence that follows her like the plague. Be left with her thoughts and the blurring lines of her finished group project.
-
Saki watches worriedly as Honami hobbles through the door of the rooftop, feet scuffling against the grimy floors, carrying her to the bench where she and Ichika sat at and immediately slumping in on the nearest person, which just so happened to be an equally concerned Ichika.
“Hona-chan! What happened?” She frantically asks, immediately extending a hand to feel her forehead. Well she was fine to say the least, at least she didn’t feel like she was just dunked into a fire.
“Yeah, what’s up?” Ichika starts running her deft fingers through her springy, brown hair. Honami just yawns tiredly, eyes scrunched up as they squint at the too bright sun.
“Really tired.” She mumbles, “Didn’t sleep at all.”
Saki shoots up at surprise with that one, “What?! Why not?!”
Because it’s usually Honami who’s the one berating her for pushing herself too hard. Who usually texts their shared group chat to make sure everyone’s eaten, slept and drank plenty of water. Who always carries snacks and extra water with her to give to friends.
There had to be a good reason for this.
“One of my classmates asked me to help her with an upcoming exam. We stayed up all night calling with me helping her. Every time I tried to get off she’d just whine and yell.”
Saki bristles with anger at that one. How dare they?
“Hona! You should’ve just hung up in their face! Flipped them off! Don’t you see how wrong that is?”
Honami slightly winces at her loud yelling, in which Saki slightly pulls back, sitting back down. Ichika flashes her a look.
“Sorry,” She whispers apologetically, “But seriously Hona, you do know how wrong that sounds right?”
“You know your health comes above anybody else right?” Ichika breathes softly, shifting Honami so she’s lying on her lap.
“…I can’t disappoint my classmates.” She murmurs, eyes sliding shut at the soothing feeling of Ichika’s fingers running up and down her scalp, the addition of Saki’s pink nails resting on her shoulder.
“But—“ Saki’s about to retort when Ichika shushes her, placing her finger on her delicate lips.
“Shh, she needs rest, not lectures.” Ichika gently reprimands, “Why don’t you nap for a bit Honami? We’ll wake you up when lunch is over.”
Honami mutely nods, falling deeper into her dreamland.
Saki and Ichika exchange looks, entire conversations held between their eyes.
But their’s one sentence that’s mutually spoken.
This girl needs a break.
-
(Somewhere inside Honami’s mind is a little child
A child who just wants to get along with everyone, who wants to hold hands with the rest of the world and wrap them all up in her embrace. She wants to understand the complexities of each human being.
She wants to love.
It’s unfortunate that the world doesn’t feel the same.)
-
Shiho comes wandering onto the roof a bit later, maybe it’s been 5 minutes, maybe it’s been 10. Who knows?
“Sorry I’m late guys, that bastard Minori—“
She pauses at the doorway, a little shocked at the sight in front of her.
Honami, passed out on Ichika’s lap, while she and Saki exchanged quiet whispers of worry through the wind.
She feels a pool of dread form in her stomach, “What…happened?”
Saki lets out a squeak of surprise, Ichika turns to Shiho and waves softly, “hey Shiho.”
“Hi!” Saki grinned at her before turning her attention back to Honami, “Hona-chan got no sleep last night.”
Shiho approaches carefully, making sure her footsteps fall lightly and her voice quiet, “Did she tell you why?”
“Was on call with a classmate helping her the entire night. She wouldn’t let her catch a break.”
Shiho stares concernedly at her, the slow rise and fall of her chest, her wrinkled pleats, the heaving eye bags etched under her eyes. She looked exhausted.
“God, will she ever learn how much more she’s worth?”
Shiho had been worried ever since that late-night call with Honami, where she had worked herself thin for the sake of her classmates. The sake of her respect.
Shiho just wants to wrap her up and tell her it’s okay. It’s okay to refuse, to say no sometimes. It’s okay to stop apologising for minor inconveniences and to let yourself unwind in the presence of others.
Shiho just wants Honami to be happy.
So she doesn’t say anything else. Just plops herself onto the floor in front of the three cross-legged.
“Let’s change the subject. Do you wanna hear what that Minori did to me?”
Saki and Ichika smile. There’s hidden meaning behind everything they do, but they understand it all.
Knowing each other since childhood brought it’s perks after all.
Soon after the bell rang shrilly, a harsh thing that sliced through their precious moment of hushed conversations.
“I’ll take over Ichika, you two get to class.”
Ichika stares surprised at her, “Eh? What about you guys?”
Shiho silently shifts onto the bench to Ichika’s spot, lifting Honami’s head and transferring her resting body from Ichika’s lap onto her own lap.
“I think it’s okay we skip just one class.” She winks at the two, quickly resuming Ichika’s actions of slowly trailing her fingers through Honami’s hair.
“Ooh, Shiho you bad girl! What’s next, you rob a bank?—“
“Shut up Saki. Disrespectfully.”
“Ouch, disrespectfully, Saki. Disrespectfully.”
“Shiho you wound me!”
“Get to class you two.”
-
(Shiho has loved Honami for years. Even before they dated.
Shiho would do anything for her. Hang the stars, sink the moon, wander the entire world just to find her.
All in her quiet, secretive manner.
Because Honami deserves it. All the love and joy.
Shiho wishes she never yelled at her earlier when rebuilding their friendship. Wishes she had never been so cold and unforgiving. Wishes she could go back in time and melt her unappeasable exterior and show Honami all what she really felt. It’s always been hard.
But she’ll be here now. She’ll make sure Honami stays afloat, never deflates in the way she did in that empty school hallway, the tears cascading down in hurried glides. She’ll never let it happen again.)
-
Honami awakes blearily, the afternoon sun way too harsh for her poor pupils as she blinks them open in a daze. She groans, her neck aching and her legs half hanging off.
Her back hurts. Whatever she’s lying on feels as hard as brick.
Wait a minute.
She bolts upright in a panic. God, what if she was kidnapped! Taken hostage! She has to check where she is—
Well, she would’ve if she hadn’t immediately hit her head on someone else’s chin.
Head throbbing, she whines softly to herself, rubbing the sore spot before peering before her.
School Rooftop. Sleeping on a bench.
Shiho, sitting behind her, rubbing her reddening chin.
She almost collapses with relief. Thank God.
“Ow, Honami…”
“Sorry! Sorry! I panicked!” Honami waved her hands frantically, unsure where to place them.
“S’alright.” Shiho smiles reassuringly before shifting closer to Honami, “How was your nap?”
Her hazy memory starts coming back to her. Wandering to the roof, collapsing on Ichika’s lap, her eyes drooping shut. She stretches her sore limbs, “How long was I out for? Where’s Ichika and Saki?”
“They left to class.”
To…class?
oh.
Oh no.
“Shiho-chan…Are we missing class right now?”
Shiho stays silent, a guilty yet amused look on her face as she looked everywhere but Honami’s eyes, “Well, maybe—“
“Shiho!” Her eyes flew open wide, hands trembling as she shook Shiho by the shoulder with such visceral force Shiho was sure to fall over head first into the concrete, “What the— Why?!”
“Sorry! Sorry!” Shiho snickered as she tried to regain her balance, “you were just, so tired, I thought I’d let you sleep.”
“But! But!—“
“Dude, you collapsed on the first person you saw. Be glad it was Ichika and not some random girl.” Shiho chuckled, silently taking both of Honami’s shaky hands into her own firm grip. Holding them steady as they seethed with frustration and anxiety. Slowly, Honami lowered her head onto Shiho’s shoulder, exhaling deeply, eyes glassing over.
“What will people think of me when they realise I’ve skipped?”
She says it so quietly, a hushed utterance that carried gently in the wind. Shiho almost missed it.
“Honami…” Shiho studies her concernedly, how she’s immediately drooped once again and become all mushy and dreary, all sad and blue, “why does it matter?”
“Because!” She cries out, “I have a reputation! I’m the nicest girl in class! The smartest! The suck up! And they respect me for it! They treat me fairly when I’m doing their work. I’d rather do an extra page of homework then…then…”
“Having to go through that again.”
Shiho watches her sadly, her pang in her heart stirring her body, causing unpleasant shivers down her spine. She knows. She remembers that day in Sekai where she had broke, cracked and spilled open, all her problems and dilemmas bared open for the rest of the world to see. Yet Leo/need shielded it, helped her realise she didn’t need to distance herself to feel happiness.
Safety isn’t always the ideal option.
Still, Honami is scarred. From the years of bullying, of taunting, of manipulation and honey-coated words that stung harder than bullets. She still hurts. Yes, she’s communicated and talked it out with her classmates about their friendships, but that doesn’t mean all of them understand.
Shiho wants to curl her fists and punch out the teeth of every bully, every girl who’s tormented Honami. To tell them to fuck off and stay as far away as possible, if not for Honami’s sake, for hers.
She doesn’t say any of that though. She’s learnt that she’s not the best at expressing her words.
So instead, she wraps Honami up in her arms, grasps her firmly, tilts her head onto her chest. Honami can hear the steady beat of Shiho’s heart, the constant thump against Shiho’s ribs.
Shiho hums faintly, a placid, serene melody that coiled through the air’s currents and placed a spell of calm over Honami’s trembling. It was muffled, low, nice.
It was everything she needed.
Shiho’s voice was like the rumbling undertones of a forest, like the thrumming earth floor that shook gently with life, that provided the basis and stability for all beings, for the tall pine trees and the scurrying squirrels and the rushing streams. Shiho’s voice was salvation. Shiho’s voice was her gravity, pulling her back down out her head.
“Honami.” Shiho suddenly speaks, her melody ceasing, “Lets make a deal.”
Honami perks up in curiosity at that, “what deal, Shiho-chan?”
“On your end, you have to promise to give yourself a break.”
“You will at least try to stop being so compliant and becoming this doormat that everyone walks over. You’ll let yourself breathe easy for once instead of letting everyone else steal your breath.”
“…and in return?”
“…I will give you all the love I have for you.”
Honami glances up at her before toppling over in stifled giggles.
“Silly Shiho, you already give the world to me.” Honami murmurs, shutting her eyes.
Shiho is shocked still for a moment, before bursting out into laughter.
“Are you really doubting my limits?” Shiho teases, “If you think I can give you the world, then I’ll prove you wrong by giving you the whole universe.”
Honami hums in acknowledgment, “That’d be nice. I’d like that.”
“Ask and you shall receive.” Shiho whispers, pressing a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Should I sleep again? I’m still tired.” Honami blinks deliriously up at Shiho’s face. Taking in all the details. Her messy grey hair, falling in strands in front her eyes. The mole on the bottom of her face. Her viridian eyes that hid endless supplies of kindness under that tough demeanour.
“Sleep. Not like we have anywhere to be.”
Honami nods, almost immediately her breaths even out, her chest steadily rising and falling. Gingerly, Shiho presses a hesitant palm on her chest, feeling the racketing of her heartbeat. It seems steadier, calmer.
She manages a warm smile. She loves Honami. With everything she has.
(Nobody has ever made Shiho this soft. Never made her this gentle and caring and vulnerable. But human beings are strange. They act in ways that completely contradict their ideals and morals and hopelessly follow their dreams to feel some sort of euphoria. They feel to deeply, their own mind a paradox to itself.
Shiho’s walls crumble at the sight of Honami. It’s just another feature of being human.)
-
Shiho rarely comes to Honami’s classroom to eat with her.
Not because she can’t be bothered, nor is it because she finds Honami herself the problem. No, it’s simply because classrooms were way too crowded for her liking. Usually eating in the courtyard or the rooftop was a much better solution. It’s not like Honami minded anyway.
But today Shiho decided that for just today, she’d come to her classroom and eat with her.
With all the work Honami’s been swamped with and her frustrated mood, maybe this might cheer her up slightly.
When she enters, she immediately feels all eyes on her. What is Hinomori Shiho, the recluse, the blunt, cold girl who never ventured out to talk to anyone, doing in class 1-B?
Silently, ignoring all the gazes cast upon her, she pulls up a chair and plops down next to Honami, “Hey.”
Honami flinches, too deep in her own mind to have noticed Shiho coming in, “Oh, Shiho! What are you doing here?”
“Having lunch with you?” Shiho replies teasingly. Honami smiles gratefully, putting away her notebooks and pulling out her own lunch from her bag.
There’s something nice about eating with those you love. Comfortable silence that drifts over you as you share food, enjoy the nourishment that fills your soul. It’s gentle, it’s lovely.
That’s how Honami sees it. Because the fact that Shiho would leave her classroom, leave her comfort zone just to have a nice lunch with her melts her heart. Shiho was like that. Silent acts of service and care that show off more love than Honami can manage.
The two eat in relative silent. Just the sound of chopsticks clinking against bento boxes and the mundane chatter of students all around. Shiho finds that this isn’t too bad.
Well, until, that.
“Oii! Mochizuki!”
From the doorway, a girl calls out. She seems out of breath, panting and hair frazzled.
“Oh! Hey Suzuki-san, are you okay? You seem in a rush—“
“I have a favour!”
She darts up to Honami and Shiho, slapping a sheet of paper on the desk and staring desperately at Honami.
“Please please please can you do my homework! I know how smart you are and I know you’ve already done the homework! If you could just finish this for me—“
“You asked me to do your homework yesterday?”
Shiho’s sat watching the whole scenario, glaring daggers into the girl’s skull, willing her to wither and deteriorate on the spot. Who was she to make Honami do her homework? Why doesn’t she just face the consequences? And to know she did the same thing yesterday? Shiho was on the verge of strangling the girl’s neck with her bare fingers.
“I know! I know!” She whines, “But this is the last time! I promise!”
“You said that yesterday.” Honami quirks an eyebrow at her, a disapproving look on her face.
“Just…Just do it okay?! We’re friends, right? Just one favour!”
We’re friends, right?
Honami turns away, stares at her trembling fists, her knuckles growing white from the force she’s gripping the table with. Her body quivers slightly, so subtly that nobody would even notice.
Shiho notices. She notices everything. She’s about to reach out to steady her, but Honami beats her to it, cutting her off bluntly.
“…No.”
The girl stands baffled, barely registering Honami’s words.
“I-I’m sorry?”
“No, I won’t do it.” She seethes, snatching up her’s and Shiho’s lunchboxes. She gives the girl a pointed look, cheeks puffed and eyes angry (Shiho’s never wanted to laugh more), “Good luck with Sensei, he won’t let you off very easily.”
“Come on Shiho!” She trudges off, both lunchboxes clutched tightly in her hands. Shiho snickers, casting a look at the girl who stood frozen, paralysed. It’s not everyday that Mochizuki Honami, the nicest girl in class who did everything for everyone, would yell in your face and leave you hanging with the flick of her hair.
“You heard her, fuck off.” She jabs before running off after Honami.
Shiho doesn’t miss the way that girl’s face falls into utter despair. The satisfaction was enough to make Shiho’s day infinitely better.
“Honami! Wait up!” Shiho calls out. Honami’s a fiery force, a powerful drive that pushes her way through the throng of students gathered in the hallway. She doesn’t slow down, doesn’t falter. She keeps her head high. She won’t let those concerned gazes force her back into her shell.
Shiho follows mutely, making her way through the crowds, trying her best to not lose track of that cinnamon brown hair that swishes back and forth with vigour.
It takes Shiho a moment to realise the two were going up to the roof, each step Honami took clacked with the sound of her black loafers clipping on each linoleum step. She hasn’t stopped one bit.
Shiho can’t help but stare in awe at her. A secret gaze that’s so subtle nobody even notices a thing. It’s one she’s reserved for only the ones she loves most.
Shiho stares in awe because Honami looked amazing, looked so vibrant and fiery that Shiho was almost blinded. To think that this empowering girl was the same girl who smiled to her bullies and allowed hurt to constantly grief her was so beautiful to Shiho that she couldn’t help but smile softly as she adored her, watched her, observed her.
As soon as the two burst into the day’s light on the rooftop, Honami collapses, the lunchboxes clattering beside her as she lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in.
Shiho immediately rushes to her side, panicked, “Honami?!”
“That was the scariest thing I’ve done ever to be honest.”
Shiho tries to stifle her laughter, really she does, but that sentence really is all it takes to unravel her. She’s laughing loudly, snorting as she clings onto Honami’s shoulder for support.
“Honami, that was amazing.” Shiho manages between laughs.
“God, you don’t think that was a bit much? I felt so mean just then! Maybe I should apologise—“
“No.” Shiho shushes her, cuts her off, “I don’t want to hear the word ‘sorry’ come out of your mouth, like ever. Okay maybe not ever but—“
Now Honami’s laughing, her laugh sweet like sugared strawberries and thick honey. Shiho can’t help but laugh along, the two stuck in giggling fits. It’s such a pretty moment that Honami doesn’t ever want to stop.
“Okay okay,” Shiho chokes out, still slightly chuckling, “Why don’t we finish our lunch, hey?”
She picks herself up, as well as the two scattered lunches before finding a spot on one of the benches.
Honami gets up too. She finds she’s learnt something valuable.
Maybe it’s okay to be a little mean sometimes. Just as a treat.
—————————
“The sensitive suffer more;
but they love more and
Dream more”
— Augusto Cury