Chapter 1
I'm not sure when it started happening. The thoughts I’d get. The self deprecating thoughts that would enter my brain any time I try to get a chance to think for myself.
It doesn’t help that Kageyama would constantly yell and scold me during practice. He’d call me things like ‘idiot’ and ‘dumbass’, and usually it wouldn’t make me sad or anything. But… the past few days have sucked.
I take Kageyama’s insults to heart. If he calls me useless, I remind myself daily that I am useless. If he calls me stupid, well there’s no point in ever trying in schoolwork if I’ll never understand it.
But I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. I’m supposed to be ‘happy’. It doesn’t make sense for ‘Hinata Shouyou’ to be sad. If my smile disappears, even for a split second, someone notices. It’s like the atmosphere of the room changes completely. I have to fake. I have to fake it.
Staying awake is hard. Keeping my eyes open hurts. I wish I could have a normal sleep schedule, like a normal person. I wish I didn’t cry every night, so tired but not able to sleep, no matter what I do.
Nishinoya and Kageyama notice. If the dark eye bags under my eye aren’t enough, the constant stumbling should be. I’m too tired to try staying awake. I’m too tired to put in effort.
I tried melatonin. It doesn't work. I try special tea. It doesn’t work. My mom is starting to look concerned. I’m always awake before her, and that's about 3:30 in the morning. “Shouyou, are you sleeping well?” she’d ask.
I would always lie. As much as I know my heart is crying, begging for help, my brain wants me to suffer more.
I’m not eating either. It’s not that I don’t have energy to eat, there’s something really wrong with me.
My body is good, average for someone like me. MY height, my weight, they both fit well. And I’m a genuinely skinny person, so why do I want more?
Honestly, it could be Tsukishima's fault. I hate blaming others, so much, but the comments he’d make… I can’t escape them..
Hinata stop stuffing your face, you’re gonna become a fatty..
Hinata slow down the food not going anywhere.
Hinata you need to watch what you’re eating..
Hinata Hinata Hinata… I can’t take it. So now I feel the least stressed and insecure when I’m starving myself. And I hate it so much.
I want to be skinny. Why can’t I eat like a normal person..? I don’t like the painful headaches that I can feel in my ears, the soul-sucking hunger, the constant stomach aches, and feeling so gross like I’m about to shit myself.
The light-headedness is the worst. I almost passed out in science yesterday. I can’t keep doing this.
I’ve also been.. harming myself... with a lighter and blades. On the thighs. Need I say more?
I think the team is noticing my changes. I don't bother smiling anymore. I show hurt when Kageyama yells at me. I let Tsukishima antagonize me. I’m worried they’ll find out my secrets. I’m so scared.
I’m in practice today, it’s a saturday. We’re practicing receiving and blocks. Drills, drills, drills. My head hurts so much. My vision keeps fading out. Daichi is talking. Kageyama and Tsukishima are fighting. Too much is going on right now. I can't see anything. I feel like I'm spinning– no falling. I feel a sharp pain in my head. My hearing is fading out. I’m tired..
Daichi and Suga are talking about an upcoming practice game we’re having and some other small details. I try to focus, but my eyes keep darting over to the dumbass. His balance is uneven and he doesn’t look like he’s paying attention. He keeps blinking too.
“Got a crush?” Tsukishma sneers. “Oh shut up you–!” I reply back, head swinging over to him.
“Sheesh it was a joke– why are you staring though?” Tsukishima smirks. I blink in surprise, I didn’t realize I was staring at him for that long.
“This dumbass–” I say, shoving him lightly, “he isn’t paying attention.”
Before anybody else can say anything, Shouyou falls off his balance and hits his head hard on the ground.
“Oh shit–”
“Shouyou..!?”
“Crap is he okay!??”
The group runs over to Shouyou's limp body, unsure of what they should do. Suga grabs Shouyou’s head and motions for Asahi to hold it up as Daichi gets an adult.
“I can feel a pulse, but it is fast and uneven. I don’t know what happened for him to pass out like that..” Suga mumbles. I look down at Shouyous body. When did he get so.. Small..?
“He's So tiny.. And, though it sounds mean.. Bony..? Has he been eating enough?” Yamaguchi mumbled, obviously worried. I looked over at Tsukishima whose breath hitched.
“Hey salty face!” I say, motioning to Tsukkishima, ”Did you do anything to him?”
Tsukkishima looks down at the ground and sighs. “I said some stupid shit, I didn’t think he’d actually take it to heart. He was already fucking skinny.” he mumbled.
Nishinoya glares at Tsukishima and scoffs. “Did you make him.. y'know.. like not eat?” he spits out, lunging over to Tsukishima.
“Guys! Don’t jump to conclusions. The only thing that matters right now is helping Shouyou.” Suga says, pulling the two apart.
“Fuck.. Maybe I did..” Tsukishima says under his breath. Nishinoya looks at Tsukishima with a shocked face and looks back down at Shouyou, who he hasn't looked at in awhile.
Yes, Noya has looked at Shouyou countless times, but he never got a good look. He’s small and frail and his collar bones are sticking out. His wrists are incredibly small and he has dark eyebags. He doesn’t look okay.
Suga and Daichi position Shouyou to sit up right against the wall. In no time, Shouyou regains consciousness. Blinking slowly, he awakes.
He doesn’t say anything, he just looks around at the people surrounding him in confusion. Shouyou looks like he’s about to break the silence when Daichi and Takeda burst through the gym doors, running over to him.
“Shouyou, are you okay? What do you feel like right now?” Takeda says, crouching to Shouyous level.
Shouyou feels his pulse and turns to look up at Takeda. “My pulse is fast. Why is my pulse so fast?” he mumbles.
“You passed out for almost two minutes, Hinata..” Suga sighs. Shouyou looks back down, hands trembling.
“My pulse is really fast, like really fast. Why is it so fast? It’s not slowing down. I don’tknow why its not its just not–” his breath quickens and tear roll down his cheek, “--n-not fucking stopping..! I’m gonna d-die.. I can-t– it won’t stop.. S-someone please….” Shouyou sobs.
Takeda motions for everyone to leave, and everyone complies with concerned faces. Shouyous breathing goes into chaos and his muffled whimpers turn into loud violent sobs. His hands are shaking and he’s rocking back and forth mumbling that he’s gonna die.