Truth and Confessions
It was about two days later when they all finally sat together to talk about it. Poppy had helped Remus to heal and he was doing better. Moony had been...exceptionally quiet.
The pack lived in a huge cottage in the woods, somehow larger on the inside and seemingly ever expanding. They were now sitting together in the common room, 12 people in tense silence as sometimes Scabior, sometimes Fenrir spoke about it and wanting to decide how to proceed further.
When Snatcher suddenly spoke up, Remus felt a tug on his inside. Moony. He was sitting on a couch, crouched in a corner, listening, more absent than present mentally. But now, Moony wanted OUT and he did not take no for an answer.
"Shut up!"
Everyone looked at Moony, startled.
"Remus?" Scabior tilted his head
"I said SHUT UP! All my life I was locked away, feared, they thought I was dnagerous and you promised me I would never have to endure any of that ever again!"
He had stood up so quickly that he needed to hold onto a chair next to him.
"But as far as I am concerned you weren't the one back there saving us, were you? It was Regulus.
And where did that bring him? He killed two people! He killed them because you two couldn't have been bothered to tell him the truth about himself!"
There was true worry in Snatcher's face, a rare expression, as he stepped closer to Moony.
"No! Get away from me! You could have died abck there for all I care, wouldn't have changed anything. Nothing about Regulus' situation, about pandora getting hurt, about the betrayal I feel.
All you care about is other people! Keeping other people safe, keeping everyone else out of it. And you do that by lying. To Regulus, to Sirius, to me!"
The pure hatred dripping from his voice and burning into Snatcher was sensed by everyone in the room
"If I had known who was responsible for my situation, I would have handled a lot of things very differently. If you had told me that it wasn't your parents but our own father who had commanded for us to eb bitten, I would have treated all of this very differently."
Moony now directly looked into Snatcher's eyes.
"I thought a leader was supposed to honest, true, loyal to his people,you're none of those thigns! I look at you and all I see is a fraud.
Youre not a leader, no, and you are certainly no one who I will ever respect, much less someone I would trust. SO yeah, you did very well. I hope you're fuckign proud of yourself!"
Before anyone even ahd a chance to speak, Moony had left the room.
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Regulus didn't know how to react, because Moony spoke up for him too. He had been feeling wary around Scabior and Fenrir because of it. He was still partially grieving the woman his mother could have been, so he hadn't been very verbal since that night anyway.
He and Remus usually just huddle together with no talking. Regulus took care of Remus’ bandages and they held each other every night. He had only felt empathy towards Remus and Moony the past couple of days, even though Moony didn't talk to him either. So he was equally surprised and worried.
And...Remus’ parents ordered Fenrir to bite him and Fenrir did it? He can feel himself stoning his face and glaring at Fenrir too.
When he saw him get up, Regulus also stood in between Snatcher and the door Moony just left through, crossing his arms.
“Move, boy.” Snatcher all but growled.
“No.” Regulus responded. “You’re angry and I’m not going to let you take that out on them.”
"Both of you, sit down" Scabior ordered sternly. "He needs time and you two need to get your head on straight"
“I’ll sit as long as he does first.” Regulus compromises, still stubbornly standing in front of the door.
He was positive that he didn't trust Fenrir or Snatcher anymore now that Moony spoke up about his distrust too.
Remus was the most trusting of the three of them anyway.
Snatcher huffed, and bareed his teeth at Regulus but Regulus wasn't intimidated at all. Nonetheless, Snatcher listened to his mate and sat down so Regulus followed after a moment.
The rest of the meeting was tense and uncomfortable. It seemed hours later that it ended.
"Come on Reg, let's play some Poker" Barty tried to get Regulus to get his mind off that stuff.
Regulus appreciated Barty for trying, but he was still glaring intensely at Snatcher. If he were to see him make one move towards where ever Moony and Remus ran off to, they were going to have problems.
Regulus knew he was protective, what happened with his mother and the guard was a perfect example of that. He was, in a way, comfortable with the fact that he would kill for his loved one’s safety, though he knew Remus and Moony could take care of themselves.
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Scabior had moved Snatcher to his and Fenrir’s office so that they could cool down.
"We're picking fights with children now, are we? I understand that we are closing in on the full moon and that yesterday was a lot to take in, but what is not going to happen is that you threaten a child."
Snatcher was pacing up and down the room, unresponsive, obviously furious. Scabior could see that he was at the verge of punching a wall, so he got up and held Snatcher's hand in his, looking deep into the wolf's eyes.
"Look at me... Look at me, pup. I understand you and I will listen to you as long as you talk to me and use your words. I can not read your mind."
Scabior guided Snatcher to sit on the couch. "I'm getting you and me something to drink, pup. And then we talk. Can you do that?"
Wordlessly, Snatcher nodded. He couldn't talk right now or he would most likely have yelled.
Scabior went to the kitchen to grab drinks and Snatcher was left with his own thoughts, but not for long. The door opened quicker than Scabior could be back and the last person he would have expected to see was Moony, shaking, struggling to breath, with a silent plea in his eyes.
All the anger vanished at once as he saw him sink down, his back against the door, not saying a word at first. But once he spoke, he couldn't stop himself.
"I- I'm tired...I'm so so tired I want to die, yet you never let me... I seek out death like water in the desert and when it finds me, someone is there to take it away again... You keep me alive and it scares me, being alive scares me, but I can't kill Remus either, he doesn't deserve that."
He blinked a couple od times, trying to get his eyes clear again
"I can't remember if we slept at all those past days, if we really did anything but pushing everyone away doesn't help and we can't do this alone and I don't know how to help Remus anymore, I'm trying but I can't and it makes me feel so guilty I am so sorry, I am sorry, I'm sorry"
He was sobbing and hyperventilating the more he spoke, seeming to teeter at the edge of consciousness as his words became mostly incoherent. At first, Snatcher stared at him, but he rushed forward, not touching him yet.
“Fenrir and I would never let you die. It’s okay, pup. You had every right to not trust us anymore. We weren’t prepared, and that cost us all. We all are very happy that you’re alive.”
Moony sank forward as if all energy had left his body, leaning against Snatcher, his hands gripping his shirt and all the came out of his mouth being sobs and "I'm sorry"
How does he not hate us? How can he be so calm and reassuring after all that? He would be justified in sending us away Remus whimpered
Snatcher held Moony back. “You’re safe here, kiddo. I know we said that before, but we’re ready this time if they come for you or Regulus again. I am sorry for what we did.”
It was hard to get through to them at the moment, but Moony subtly nodded at Snatcher's words while also desperately trying to somehow signal to Remus that they were going to be okay.
"C-can you help?" Moony sobbed "Remus isn't...he's not...well"
Within seconds, Moony felt the shift from Snatcher to Moony, and the calm but concerned voice of Fenrir could be heard.
"How deep is he in your head? Can you see him?"
"N-not well...he's...not talking either...not to me" Moony was actually scared, he didn't want anything to happen to Remus and he had no idea what was happening at the moment.
“Okay, I need you to try to push him forward even though he doesn’t want to. I don’t want him to keep falling in whatever hole he’s dug himself into. Do you think you can do that?” Fenrir asked, holding Moony’s shoulders and looking into his eyes.
As Moony tried, Fenrir searched the other boys’ eyes, seeing them go distant. If Remus drowned, then it would be very difficult to get him back, if not impossible. He had been unable to help Laslow with it before, but this time he was there as it happened, he could intervene.
Remus didn't want to go back, he really didn't want to face anything or anyone. He was terrified of having disappointed anyone, especially Fenrir. He didn't want to feel the pain his body was still in. He didn't want to have to think about the events of the past days. It was all too much.
“Remus,” Fenrir repeated it as many times as he had to. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but come out here so we can talk about it.”
Fenrir's voice sounded as if Remus was under water, but he understood the words. He really didn't want to talk, he didn't like anything about this, but he was willing to listen for now.
Remus’ eyes seemed to be getting slightly clearer so Fenrir kept talking.
“I didn’t want to bite you when you were little, but I was young and seeking my father’s love and to avoid being hurt like I was being at home.”
“Technically Snatcher bit you, because I was a scared teenager that refused to hurt a child. But if we didn’t, my father would have killed you. I don’t know why your parents asked my father to do that to you, and I never will. I’m so sorry, Remus. Moony.”
Remus nodded "I-I know...we know...Moony just...he hoped there was...nothing so bad...behind it...he had hope..."
“If I could go back in time and never do it, I would. But you also wouldn’t have Moony. He really cares about you, and I care about you both.”
He leaned his forehead against Remus', closing his eyes for a second as he realized that he had gotten Remus out of there.
"Welcome back, little one" he whispered with a smile.
There was silence between them for a while until Remus spoke up again.
"I don't think I..." he took a deep breath "I wouldn't want to change it" he mumbled
“Good, that’s a good sign. Means you’re accepting it and healing. I’m very proud of you for being here.” Fenrir stated
Fenrir asked Scabior to bring them some tea and while they waited, there was silence again.
“While he’s doing that, do you want to talk more or sit in silence?” Fenrir asked
Remus shrugged. He wouldn't mind talking but he didn't have a topic in mind right now. He sat on the floor, leaned against a bookshelf.
“Regulus was very inclined to fighting Snatcher earlier.”
"I can imagine. With all that is going on right now." Remus nodded. Regulus was strong, but uncontrolled. From his own experience he knew that he hadn't stood a chance against Snatcher
“He’s like a cat.” Fenrir laughed. “He and Moony are very protective of you. Scabior wants to help him with it.”
"It's not like I mind" Remus mumbled more to himself.
“I like him, he reminds me of Scabior. I think he hates me right now, though. Which is fair, honestly.” Fenrir smiled, getting up to the knock on the door.
It felt safe and with Moony not trying to be a bitch, it was much calmer. Remus actually smiled again.
Fenrir made him feel safe and there was undoubtedly a connection there before they had even met.
Without thinking, his free hand wandered up to the place between his neck and shoulder where the scar was still very easily visible.
It was huge, which made sense considering that it had been on his four year old body, and it was a constant reminder to what he was. Yet, it wasn't even ugly. The teeth marks were clearly visible and it would be obvious to everyone what it was with just one look. In a way, it was kind of aesthetically pleasing and Remus didn't mind it half as much as much as he pretended to most of the time.
Fenrir spoke up again after a while
“Do you want to stay in here with me, or run off to Regulus?” Fenrir asked. “It is getting late.”
"I think I'll go check on Regulus, I want to make sure he is okay" Remus nodded
“Alright,” Fenrir confirmed. “Goodnight, pup.” He smiled while walking to hold the door open for Remus.
"Goodnight" he smiled and hesitated for a moment before hugging Fenrir, a bit flustered. He had started to feel not so good from all the stress.
Fenrir hugged him back gently, and cradled his head and back. “I’m glad you’re here.” he whispered
Remus relaxed and nodded, smiling a little. He felt safe with Fenrir and he knew that what he was saying was true. It calmed him.
As he left, he immediately went to Regulus' room, not even bothering to knock because he just knew that his boyfriend was in there.
Instead, he walked in and immediately curled up next to Regulus on the bed, his head on Regulus' lap.
“Hello, mon amour.” He sighed, immediately starting to pet Remus’ hair. “I missed you.”
"Missed you too" he mumbled, closing his eyes. His body was hurting all over and he was just seeking the comfort of being around Regulus now.
“Are you wanting to talk or to sleep?” Regulus asked in a whisper, noticing that Remus was wincing a little bit and closing his eyes.
Remus was quiet for a moment before speaking up "How are you doing"
“I’m fine…” He started and then sighed because he couldn't lie to Remus. “Okay, no. I’m not fine. I’m… just thinking. A lot.”
Remus nodded "About what?"
Regulus laughed self deprecatingly, “It’s stupid.”
Remus looked up "Sweetheart, it bothers you so it isn't stupid. You can tell me, I promise I won't find it stupid"
Regulus took a deep breath and released it, “Well… I just, keep thinking about my mom? And how effortless it was to kill her. I almost regret it, but then I remember what she’s done to me, you, Sirius, and Moony, and I just get so angry that I could do it again. I worry I didn’t make her suffer enough, but at the same time I wonder if I should have killed her at all,”
“I mean, she is the woman who birthed me. And she wasn’t always cruel, sometimes she was almost motherly. It was rare, but she was. We were a lot closer when I was little…” He drowned off. Remus didn't know he was born as a girl, and he didn't want Remus to see him differently because of it. “…..do you think I’m a bad person?” he asked, stilling his hand in Remus’ hair and looking out the window.
Remus sat up and looked at Regulus with a soft expression, then smiled "No of course not, how could I?" He whispered before kissing Regulus.
Regulus allowed himself to be kissed but pulls away, resting his hands on Remus’ shoulders and keeping him there.
“Thank you,” he whispered stiffly, wanting to tell Remus it was not his fault he pulled away. “I…-“ He began but stopped himself and shook his head. He didn't want to scare Remus away. “I love you kissing me, just…just not right now.”
Remus nodded "Okay" he put his head on Regulus shoulder. "Is there something else?" He asked softly.
“…yes. I’m scared to tell you, though. You might hate me.” Regulus answered, just as softly.
Remus shook his head "I won't hate you. Ever. You could try to kill me and I wouldn't"
Regulus stopped, “I would never!” He exclaimed. “Have I made you think I would?”
Logically, he knew he was probably overreacting and Remus was speaking with hyperbole, but he couldn't help but ask. That voice in the back of his head called him dangerous and a murderer. Which he was, which was why he was frightened.
"No I was just taking the most drastic example to show you that I mean it. Now tell me, I promise it won't change anything" he shifted positions to look at Regulus
Regulus looked away again, “I don’t know how to phrase it.”
"That's okay. Take your time. And if you can't find the words to explain, just state the fact'
“…Okay.” he whispered, softly. “Can you turn around so that I don’t see your face?”
"Of course" Remus did exactly that, wanting Regulus to be comfortable
Regulus waited a moment, admiring the slope of Remus’ back and readying himself.
“Do you remember that I had said my mother threatened me when we got back to the palace from the stables during that whole mess of a night? Yeah…it’s a threat she’s used before. Many, many times in fact. It’s the same reason that her and I were closer when I was younger. You see, I wasn’t…”
He paused and took a deep breath again. “….I wasn’t born as a prince. I was….a princess.” he got out. “France’s little girl. My mother loved spoiling me and putting me in dresses, but I always hated them and looked up to Sirius and my father more. I didn’t want to ride Nightmare side saddle, I wanted to ride her like Sirius did his horse. One night I cut my hair, and Sirius helped me clean it up. She was so angry,” he laughed
“But Sirius and I found out from Poppy that it’s okay for me to act like a boy, and she told me what it could mean, so she started talking to me like I was a boy and I had never felt so seen.”
“I came to terms with the fact that I was a boy, but I didn’t tell Sirius. After he ran away, my mother allowed me to go around saying I was the prince and a boy, but she often threatened to get me a nice husband that could give her better heirs. That’s why my people still think there’s a stuck up princess in the palace. They weren’t allowed to see me after I transitioned.”
He was definitely crying at this point, “So yeah, I was born in the wrong body. I’m a man in mind, but not in body. You can leave if you want, I won’t force you to be around me.”
Remus stared at Regulus as he spoke, his eyes widening more and more in disbelief and he was quiet for a few moments after Regulus finished before he started laughing, immediatly cupping Regulus' face in his hands though as he noticed how bad that seemed
"Oh gods I didn't mean to laugh- I'm sorry I really shouldn't- it's just- oh gods I love you" Remus chuckled "Because...Oh gods the universe has such an irony sometimes...Yes, yes to all of that, I had the exact same experience. I wasn't born a guy either, Reg. I was terrified you would find out'
Regulus stared in shock, “You weren’t?” He managed to get out, definitely still sobbing.
"Yes, no, Reg I wasn't" he kissed Regulus' forehead "Fenrir knows, because how couldn't he, I was four when he first saw me and I loved dressed back then because they were comfortable and I think James knows although I don't remember when exactly we met, it was years ago"
Regulus cried harder but with a smile this time and threw his arms around Remus.
“I love you.” He says, finally says, actually. He hadn't said it back yet.
Remus held him, crying himself now "I love you too" he whispered, broken.