Fifth Year, Betrayal
Thursday June 3rd 1976
`Lily?`
There was a gentle rap at the door.
`Can you come out, love?` It was Mary. `We want to talk to you.`
`We brought you your dinner.` Marlene`s voice notched in.
Lily didn`t respond and made a home for her cheek on her knees, closing her eyes, wanting to dissolve into the cold tiles.
One moment, it had had been a perfectly amiable young summer day; a celebration of the completion of their first exam. The next, it had turned into one of the most horrid occurrences in Lily`s time at Hogwarts. One that she would, and could, not easily forget.
They`d been sitting at the edge of the lake, the three of them, lounging in the cool shade of the beech trees, going over their Defence Against the Dark Arts exam paper. There had been a question about werewolves on the exam, asking them to name a couple of the basic characteristics of a werewolf. While her quill had feverishly scraped over the parchment, Lily hadn`t been able to stop thinking about what Severus had told her; that Remus might be a werewolf. She didn`t believe him; it was preposterous and presumptuous. Probably just another ploy to demonise Remus against her. Those boys were always having a go at eachother. Which is why she shouldn`t have surprised as of what had transpired next.
It was Marlene who`d first noticed the commotion further up the shore; a frown appearing on her forehead as she peered over Lily`s shoulder in the direction of the castle. Prior to having even turned around, Lily had already heard the cries of anguish, and the laughter; all of which could only mean one thing.
After Lily had jumped up to interfere, the event seemed to have jumbled together in her memory, forming one big blurry picture. Severus hanging upside down, his pale legs and undergarments exposed; the ugly bleeding gash on James` cheek; the laughing students crowded around them; the other marauders leering James on. How she`d tried to stop them, tried to stop it from happening. Then the word that Severus had called her; still ringing clear as water in the shells of her ears.
Mudblood; foul of blood, unworthy. She`d heard it often enough. Directed at her, her friends, or others, but never from Severus. Never from him. Part of her knew that it wasn`t the first time he`d used it; the words on his tongue sounded too familiar, as if they`d already imbedded their place on his lips, forming with such ease as he spat them out into the world. From stories she knew that Severus wasn`t any better than the rest of them. Though, up until that moment, she had been able to omit, pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was going on. He`d never called her names; he`d never made her feel less about not being a pureblood witch. Not openly in any case. The comments he made were never aimed directly at her, his bullets missing her by a hair. This had felt like a sharp slap to the face.
Severus was her oldest friend. They had grown up together. She`d sheltered him when things got too rough at home; she`d tried to comfort him when no one wanted to be his friend; she`d made him laugh when he hadn`t had a single reason for laughing; she`d defended him. She had been his friend. How could he have dismissed all of that with a single sentence?
Most of all, possibly, she`d felt humiliated. Which is why she`d bitten back venomously; called him the nickname that she told people not to use on him. Everyone who she`d spend years coming up with excuses for as to why she still put up with him, had witnessed him flat-out doing what she`d told them he`d never do. It was as if someone had ripped away the veil of farfetched apologies; see, this is what you are dealing with! No cowering back now.
She felt ashamed of how she`d reacted. Not that the things she`d said weren`t the truth, on the contrary; Potter and Black were just as much tyrants as Severus was. Peter and Remus none the less; they had stood by, watching, laughing, as their friends physically harmed someone. She was angry and upset with the lot of them. No, the thing she felt ashamed of was the way she`d handled it. She could have walked away, turned them the other cheek, not let them get to her. Yelling at James for being an arrogant bastard didn`t make her any better than them.
`Lily,` Mary and Marlene were still on the other side of the bathroom door. `We`re not going away until you come out.`
`Potatoes are no good cold.`
Lily sniffed her nose and wiped her swollen eyes on the sleeve of blouse, leaving a transparent wet stain. Upon seeing James sitting casually at the Gryffindor table during dinner, she`d stormed out, without eating as much as a bite. Her stomach rumbled and the thought of her dinner being on the other side of the door was indeed enticing. However, she didn`t know if she could face the humiliation of confronting her friends.
Grinding her teeth, she slowly rose from the floor, plodding towards the door and unlocking it. Mary and Marlene looked hesitant as they came into view.
Marlene held the plate out towards her, a sympathetic smile on her face. `Are you alright?` she asked.
Lily shrugged and bashfully accepted the plate. `Not really.`
They sat down on the rug; Lily slowly eating her lukewarm plate of dinner as Mary and Marlene cracked into some chocolate frogs. They didn`t seem accusatory in the slightest; only understanding and caring. Suddenly Lily felt silly for having thought that they would be angry.
`Snivellus was waiting for you in front of the portrait entrance,` Mary spoke, breaking the silence. `Said he wanted to apologise. Told him to bugger off.`
`Oh,` Lily looked up from her plate, not correcting the name. `He said that?`
`Please don`t tell me you are actually considering accepting his apologies?`
`I- I`m not.` Lily replied hesitantly.
`Lil…` Marlene frowned. She sounded sad.
`I`m not.` Lily said defensively. `It`s just…maybe he is really sorry. Maybe he didn`t mean it. Maybe he was just scared. I wouldn`t like it either to be hanging upside down with my pants on full view.`
Mary sighed. `For you own sake, Lily, please,` she shook her head and took her hand. `Don`t kid yourself.`
Mary held Lily`s eye intently, forcefully almost, as if willing her to properly look at the reality she was facing. Without warning, Lily started crying. It was as if a lock had broken, a closet stuffed with all the little incidents she`d hidden away tumbling out onto the floor. All these years that she`d dismissed the concerns about Severus, to finally see how that had hurt the people closest to her.
`Oh, Gosh,` Lily wept. `I`m sorry. I- I didn`t-`
Mary didn`t say anything, but embraced Lily, tailoring her arms to the curves of her body.
`I`ve been such a fool.` Lily croaked. `I`m so ashamed.`
`It`s alright.` Mary stroked her hair. `Nothing to be ashamed of.`
`We understand.` Marlene said softly. `He- he was your…friend.`
They sat like that for a while, the sultry heat sticking their crying bodies together. Lily didn`t often get homesick anymore, not like she had in first year. Hogwarts had become a proper home of its own; the people in it her family. But there, on the floor of their dorm room, in the midst of exam season, held by her friends, she dearly missed Petunia. She missed her sister. She wanted to tell her how sorry she was for getting angry at her for disliking Severus. For every time that she`d chosen Severus over her. There wasn`t a single bone in her body that wanted anything more than to run to Petunia and let the weight of all their disagreements fall off of them.
***
Friday June 12th 1976
As June bore on and exam season deepened, the days started to merge together in a blur of tests and the odd empty spaces between them. Ever since the altercation at the lake, the tension had been cuttable, electric, dangerous. Mary was in the difficult position of wanting to be on Lily`s side, to defend her friend, but simultaneously wanting to spend time with Sirius. It was evident that Lily was still angry at every single one of them; not only Snape, but the marauders as well. She was avoiding them all as the plague.
They`d just turned in their written Transfiguration exam, probably the one that Mary had dreaded taking the most, but luckily the last one as well. It had been three hours long. By the end of it, Mary had barely been able to keep her concentration directed at her own scroll of parchment, and her hand had started cramping horribly. The Great Hall, where all the examinations were being held, was stifling hot and she`d been able to feel her sweaty thighs stick to the wooden chair, chaffing awfully. Sirius was by far the best at Transfiguration in their year, every time Mary had shot a sneaky glance in his direction, she`d seen his quill gliding effortlessly over the parchment. He`d tried to help her study for this test a couple of times, though, revision had soon turned into something more lucrative.
They were told to stand back against the wall as Professor McGonagall collected their tests and transformed the hall back to its usual layout, levitating the heavy dining tables effortlessly back in place. Lily pointedly sought out the farthest spot from the marauders, dragging Marlene along with her. Mary shot them both an apologetic look as she followed Sirius in his wake, fumbling for his hand. All four houses were meant to take their OWLs simultaneously; from across the hall she could see the Slytherins glaring at her menacingly. Quickly she let go of Sirius` hand, but he grabbed it again, pointedly. Snape possibly had the nastiest snarl plastered onto his face of all of them, though, it was not directed at her, but at James instead.
`Dunno what more he wants,` James grumbled. `We`ve got detention, haven`t we?`
`Did a teacher see you?` Mary inquired. They were making their way to the Gryffindor table, seeking out their usual spot.
`Nah, bloody Evans.` Sirius sighed.
Mary frowned and tugged on his arm. `My dear friend Lily.`
`Whatever.` Sirius rolled his eyes. `She just better not drag it out until tomorrow night.`
`Why?` Mary cocked a mocking eyebrow. `Taking me somewhere nice, for once?`
Their dinner appeared and Mary started to wind her spaghetti around her fork. Their rendezvous could hardly be called romantic at this point.
`I think the sixth floor girl`s loo is nice.` Sirius answered dryly. `Anyway, no. Got something else, Marauders business.`
`Oh, yeah, of course.` Mary twirled a strand of pasta, dragging it through the sauce, sighing deeply, pretending to be sad. `I forgot I have to share my boyfriend with his boyfriends.`
Even though James and Peter started chuckling, Sirius` face fell. He looked at her as if she`d said something completely out of order.
`Fuck`s sake.` he bit, his eyes blazing. `Why do you have to say shit like that! Spiteful cow.`
`Pureblood snob.` she purred back, not showing that she was actually somewhat shocked by his outburst. Obviously she`d touched on something, though, she didn`t know what. She glared at him, kissing her teeth, trying to get the upper hand in whatever this was.
`Please,` Remus moaned. `Peter and Desdemona are arguing this week. You`ll get your turn next week.`
And just like that, the odd tension was broken. Sirius laughed, taking everyone with him. Mary was secretly relieved, she didn`t have the energy for another fight. Things were complicated enough as they were already.
After they`d all emptied their plates and finished their pudding, Mary rose to go back to Gryffindor tower. Sirius instantly offered to walk her. Mary bit her lip. Though they weren`t fighting exactly, she wasn`t in the mood to hang out with Sirius again.
`You don`t have to,` Mary pressed. `I`m not going alone, Remus is coming too, aren`t you Remus?` She looked hopefully at the Remus, who was busying himself with his bookbag.
`Yeah,` Remus gave a curt nod. `I`m finally going to read something with a plot, now exams are over. `
`Such a trilling life you lead, Moony.` Sirius grinned and grabbed Mary`s hand. `Still, I`d rather come with you. So, I don`t worry.`
Mary felt her face lighten up. `How can you be such a prick one minute and then so sweet the next?` She leaned over and kissed him gently.
Before they walked away, James pressed Sirius not to take too long. They had detention with Filch that evening. Mary didn`t blame James for not wanting to run late. Filch was a menace, and would not hesitate to flagellate them for being tardy.
Mary and Sirius walked out in front, their fingers linked together as they strutted up the stairs to the tower. Sirius was joking around again, his usual mischievous and boisterous self, none of the anger and indignation left. It was hard to stay angry at Sirius for long periods of time, Mary could feel her last bit of resentment melt away, her heart warming.
`Oh, for god`s sake!` Mary groaned, her voice echoing off the walls. `Look, she`s not interested in talking to you, so bugger off!` she spat, still holding Sirius` hand.
Snape was once again loitering in front of the portrait hole, waiting for Lily to pass through it. He`d not left her alone since that day. It was creepy, the way he kept ignoring her persistent pleads to leave her alone.
`Black,` Snape drawled loftily, sticking his nose into the air. `Tell your muggle bitch to shut up.`
Mary felt a flaming heat run up her spine. `What did you call me?!`
This was the last drop in the already overflowing bucket. Sirius grabbed for his wand and pointed it at Snape, almost touching his nose with the tip of it, with his other hand he dragged Mary protectively behind his back.
Remus stepped in between the two boys. `Stop it right now!` His voice was dark and authoritarian. `Snape, go back to your own common room, or I`ll give you detention. Black, just…calm down, ok?`
However, Sirius didn`t lower his wand in the slightest. Snape almost seemed to be on the verge of laughing. `Listen to him, Black, even Loony Lupin knows you couldn`t beat me in a duel.`
`That`s not what I said,` Remus snarled. `Shut up and get lost.`
Mary was starting to feel anxious as she watched Sirius` face turn red with anger. `Should I get someone?` she asked.
`No, it`s ok…just go in.` Remus gestured towards the portrait hole.
Hurriedly, Mary clambered though, entering the common room. Her heart was beating very fast. She hoped that both Sirius and Remus had enough sense between the two of them not to let this turn into a blood bath.
Instantly upon entering their dorm, Mary put on a record. Aggravated she started to jump around; she wanted to punch Snape, or something worse. Her cat, Sirius, meowed in confusion.
`Something happen?` Marlene asked, looking up, she had a big book laying open on her lap, displaying pictures of odd looking skin conditions. Lily was sitting next to her, leafing through a book of her own.
`Snape happened.`
`Portrait hole again?` Lily asked, looking nervous.
`Ooh, yes. I want to hex him.`
`Sign me up.`
***
Sunday June 15th 1976
`I need to talk to Lily.`
It was Snape, again. He`d not yet given up on trying to get Lily to speak with him. At this point, he`d even stooped as low as following Marlene and Mary around as well. Marlene was utterly shot of him. Why wouldn`t he just leave them alone?
`Feck off, Snape,` Marlene snarled as kept on marching over the grassy lawn. `How many times will it take for you to get the hint that she doesn`t want anything to do with you anymore.`
`But it`s urgent.` Snape pushed on, clearly having trouble keeping up with her, his breathing hitched in his throat.
`When is it not urgent with you?` Marlene replied annoyed, swatting at a fly.
He grabbed her elbow, urging to a stop; his fingers were bony and bore into her flesh as iron grippers. `Don`t you dare touch me!` Marlene snapped, wrenching her arm loose from his grasp.
`Something happened.` Snape pressed. `I need to tell Lily. I need to warn her. I wouldn`t be talking to you,` he sized her up and down with a look of disdain. `If it wasn`t urgent.`
Marlene glared at him. She wished that Mary was with her; Mary was miles better at dealing with people who wouldn`t leave them alone.
`Anything you want to tell Lily, you can tell me. If it`s that urgent, aye?` Marlene said boldly, puffing out her chest in a bleak imitation of Mary.
`You don`t understand; I only want to protect her.` Snape lowered his voice threatening. `She`s in danger. We all are.`
`Aye, tell me then?`
Snape scowled; looking like me might start spitting. The bright sunlight did him no good; he looked sickly and washed out, his hair oilier than ever before.
Marlene rolled her eyes. `I think the only dangerous thing right now is the threat of me hexing you into next year if you won`t stop fecking on about this. Lily doesn`t want to talk to you, ever again. She`s done with you. So stop bloody trying.`
Surprisingly enough that did shut him up. He stopped dead in his tracks, his face slack and his limbs dangling purposeless.
Relieved and sweating bullets from her own nerve, Marlene walked away from Snape, leaving him out on the lawn, full in the sun. She remembered a time, years ago, when she and Mary had been younger, and they`d been utterly convinced that Snape was a vampire. They`d even tried to prove it. Walking around with garlic strapped to their robes; seeing if he showed up in mirrors; trying to figure out if he needed to get invited into a room. At one point, Mary had even said that she might be able to secure some holy water; to test it out on him, to see if he would burn. That was all behind them now. Snape was no vampire; he was just an extremely batlike, pale, crawly teenage boy, who had no boundaries or human sensibility.
The wind picked up; a welcome visitor. Marlene weaved her hands through the high dry grass, letting the prickly yellow tops tingle the coarse calloused skin of her fingers. The skin that had torn, bled and mended itself time and time again.
It was the season for foxgloves. They stood plentiful at the edge of the lake; pink, purple, white, and cream. Digitalis purpurea; poisonous, able to stop a heart from beating, or slow it down considerably, depending on the dosage. How odd, she pondered, that humans thought themselves to be so incredibly important, while a flower like this was able to rob one of them of their life without even really trying.
It was her favourite route to walk, or run. The trail that went all around the lake. If the weather allowed it, she`d take it almost every day. Between classes; after dinner; sometimes even as the sun had barely risen above the horizon, painting the sky in pastels. It felt cliché to like the rising and sinking colours of the sun. But aren`t most of life`s smallest pleasures cliché?
The privet shrubberies filled the air with the subtle sweet smell of their white blooming flowers. Somehow the scent felt nostalgic; as if it had been contained in a timebox and let loose into the air after years in storage. Marlene remembered little from her first home; the small hut she`d spent the first few years of her life. What she did remember where the hedges surrounding their small patch of land; brambles, privet, hawthorn, crab apple, hazel. She used to look for bugs in those hedges. She`d carry them along in her pockets, scaring Danny with them, to her great delight.
Since her grandparents had pulled their hands off of her mother as soon as she`d fallen pregnant with Danny, they didn`t have much money to spare and her mother would fashion Marlene wee puppets out of sticks and acorns. She remembered playing with them in the gaps between the branches, pretending it was their home.
On the other side of the hedge was where they kept their sheep. Sometimes, one of the sheep would jump over the hedge and get into their backyard. She and her brother would have the greatest joy shepherding it back around the hedge. They did have a sheepdog; a lovely fluffy black and white one. Though, he was old and tired, their mother took pity on him and didn`t want to get another dog. Marlene could see herself having a dog of her own one day.
There was a wee island in the midst of the Great Lake: Bowtruckle island. The trees on the island were sparce, but they were told to be guarded by the small sticklike figures called Bowtruckles. The island looked enticing, as if calling out to her. Marlene had never set foot on it. A couple of times, she`d steered her inflatable boat around it, though, she hadn`t dared leave ship yet. She vowed to herself that before she`d graduate, she`d dock and explore the small stretch of land.
As always, the walk came to an end sooner than she`d anticipated. From aerial view there must`ve been an eroded loop around the lake from all the times she`d walked the pathway, her footsteps forever printed into the dirt. She wondered if the plants, and the creatures living between them, knew her, recognised her.
Before going back inside the castle, Marlene circled around to fetch her quidditch helmet that she`d still laying out on the pitch, forgotten in all her haste. The serenity that had overtaken her was soon rudely disrupted by her second unwanted ambush of the day.
`Mckinnon!` James called out as he jogged towards her. `Thought I might find you here.`
Marlene nodded, and sighed, minorly disappointed in the termination of her solitude. She also remembered that she was still supposed to be annoyed with him on Lily`s behalf.
James looked nervous; he almost never looked nervous. `I thought it might be good if you heard it from me first,` he hesitated. `Y`know how things circulate around here.`
`Tell me what?` Marlene asked, her helmet rested against her hip, grinding into the bone.
`Blimey, how do I say this. Erm…` James gnawed on his lip, `Sirius got himself kicked off the team.`
Marlene`s eyes widened and she almost dropped her helmet. `He did what?!`
James nodded, looking away, messing up his already messy hair. `Yeah…`
`Well, what the feck did that bastard do?` She was actually angry. This wasn`t just inconvenient for Sirius, this was inconvenient for the whole quidditch team. They`d been a sodding good team; now she`d need to get used to another partner. He was in luck that the quidditch season had just come to an end and they`d need to hold try-outs after the summer anyways.
`I- Erm, yeah,` James tinkered with his glasses. `Can`t really tell you.`
`What you mean you can`t tell me?` Marlene frowned. `If it was a prank, you obviously already got caught for it. Not going to grass on you.`
`No,` James shook his head. `It`s…something…personal. Really whish I could tell you. I feel rubbish, if that makes it any better.`
`Alright.` Marlene sighed, laying herself down by the fact that she wouldn`t know. Personal, in Sirius` case, usually meant family. Though, she didn`t really understand, seeing as he`d already been disinherited, what more could they want. Maybe Mary would know more.
They walked back together towards the castle. James was keeping himself suspiciously quiet; usually he talked like he didn`t have an off-switch.
He scraped his throat a couple of times. `How, erm, how`s Evans doing?`
`The same.`
`Still cross, eh?`
`Think cross is a wee bit of an understatement.`
///