Fifth Year, Lavender Moon
Late June 1976
Slowly and deliberately he kissed her top lip, then her bottom lip, as if wanting to give them the same amount of attention. He carried his motion down, towards her neck, to the space just above her clavicle, moving her golden hoop earring aside. Mary closed her eyes, leaning back slightly, feeling the marble of the water basin grin against her sit bones. All the while thinking about how much she`d miss this once the summer holidays would start and they`d need to part ways.
Sirius` hands moved down her torso, along the curve of her hips, pausing at the hem of her skirt, waiting for permission. Purposely, Mary guided his hand, pushing her skirt up her thighs. His movements were clumsy and tentative, not knowing what he was doing in the slightest. Every so often, Mary opened her eyes to check if no one was wandering into the girl`s loos. Fortunately, it was a sunny day, so almost everyone was outside; no one was going to catch them. Eagerly, Sirius pushed himself up against her, his jeans chaffing on her bare leg. Mary felt herself ebbing and flowing, once again thinking about how much she`d miss this.
`I want to go further.` Sirius suddenly whispered urgently, his breathing high and catching in his throat.
Mary giggled, opening her eyes. `Not here.` She scrunched up her nose.
Sirius pulled away from her, blinking as if he`d just woken up.
`Not in a bloomin` bathroom.` Mary smoothed her skirt and straightened the little cross on her necklace.
`Why not, what`s wrong with this place?` Sirius frowned.
`If you even need to ask that question, you can bloody well forget about it entirely.` Mary raised her eyebrows challengingly.
`Fine, fine,` Sirius replied, holding up his hands. `Whatever….We don`t really have another place, though. And the year is almost over.`
Mary sighed. They`d been at this crossroad multiple times now, but every time, they`d stopped. She didn`t want her first time to be in some public loo. Her dignity was not all lost.
`Only because you won`t let me into your dorm.` Mary said accusatory. `Besides, it`s not like it`s a competition. There`s no time limit or something.`
Sirius huffed. It was obvious that he did think it was some sort of competition.
`Why won`t you let me into your dorm, though?` Mary asked, grappling in her bag, searching for her lipstick so she could reapply it. She might as well, the moment seemed to be over.
`It`s not allowed.` Sirius shrugged. He took a cigarette from his pocket.
`As if you care what`s allowed, Black.` Mary tutted and turned to face the mirror, staring at Sirius in the reflexion.
`Hm.` Sirius cupped his cigarette with his hand and lit it, inhaling deeply. `Reckon you almost done there?` He cocked his head at her. `Don`t have all the bloody time in the world. Vanity is not a virtue.`
`You`re one to talk.`
Daringly Mary sucked her teeth and intentionally took her time neatening her curls and putting some extra kohl underneath her eyes. If Sirius wanted to be petty, then she would be too. Two could play this game. Sirius leaned against the tiled wall of the bathroom, dragging from his fag, looking out of the window, at something in the distance.
Something was off. Mary didn`t know what exactly, but there was undeniable something very wrong at play. Sirius seemed to be testier than usual; more easily aggravated; snapping a lot; dramatic. Often, he seemed to be somewhere else entirely with his thoughts; not with her at least. Lily and Marlene had noticed it, too. Not necessarily in Sirius, though. Remus appeared to be singled out; he was constantly spotted on his own, avoiding the others. Then there was the problem of Sirius having been kicked off the quidditch team; the reason of which was unknown. When Mary had gently tried to coax the truth out of him, Sirius had only gotten extremely angry. They hadn`t spoken for two days.
At the beginning of their relationship, Mary had hoped that a day would come whenever Sirius would trust her enough to open up his skin, let her see all his ugly innards, all the things he kept hidden. However, little by little, she was coming to the understanding that such a day would probably never arrive.
It was getting a bit much, all this secret keeping. Even for Mary, who loved herself a bit of mystery. Sirius was often flaky; his stories would be riddled with gaps, never quite telling the same thing twice. Mary was starting to suspect that he was lying to her about a lot of things. He`d make up these vague excuses for his outbursts; never actually telling her what was going on. The worst thing was that he seemingly thought that he was getting away with it, that she had no idea. But she knew, deep down she knew. There were things that he would tell his friends, but would never consider telling her. He would never see her in the same way he saw his friends.
Mary didn`t say another word as they left the sixth floor girl`s loos. Even though there was a strict no-smoking rule inside the castle, Sirius had lit up another cigarette. He could not convince her that the reason that he didn`t want her up in their dorm had anything to do with rules whatsoever.
`Well, here we are,` Sirius said, stubbing his fag against the flagstones. `Think I`ll go outside for a bit. Find Prongs.` They were standing in front of the portrait entrance.
`Fine.` Mary said and uttered the password, making the portrait of the lady in pink swing open. `Do as you please. You`re a free agent.`
As she climbed through, Sirius grabbed her hand. `Oi, sorry for making it weird just then.` Mary let herself be pulled back and Sirius wrapped both his arms around her waist. `I`m lucky to have you, alright?`
Mary cast her eyes down and smiled satisfied, before looking back up into his blue watercolour eyes. `You bet your arse you`re lucky to have me.`
Sirius kissed her gently, caringly, and Mary was reminded of why she even put up with him.
Sometimes it was as if a switched got flipped. One moment, he was the nicest, sweetest, most boisterous, adoring boyfriend she could wish for. The next, he snapped and made her feel like she was just empty air in the room, something he could toss away once he was done with it. This could go either way.
`It`s in or out.` the lady in the portrait barked at them impatiently. `Don`t have all day, now have I?`
Mary giggled. `Think I`ll head in.` she said softly.
Sirius kissed her one final time and let her go through the entrance into the common room. The common room was almost entirely deserted. Almost.
`What`re you doing in?`
`Was starting to get a sodding sunburn.` Marlene lifted her arm to show Mary the red tinged skin.
`One thing I don`t have to worry about.` Mary grinned.
She sat down on the couch, next to Marlene.
`Where were you?`
`Oh, you know.` Mary smirked impishly.
`Right.` Marlene raised her eyebrows and pointedly directed her gaze back at her quidditch magazine.
`Does it hurt.` Mary gently prodded the red skin on Marlene`s arm.
Marlene seemed to jump slightly. `It does if you poke it.`
`Like this?` Mary poked her arm again, teasingly.
`Aye, like that!` Marlene yelped, edging away from her on the couch, grinning.
They sat in silence for a couple for a couple of minutes; Marlene reading her magazine. Mary was started to get bored; she needed stimulation. Fidgetily she wriggled her toes in her shoes, finally took her them off, and perched her feet on Marlene`s lap as a docile cat.
`Your feet smell.` Marlene screwed up her nose and pushed them off the couch.
`Like roses.` Mary batted her eyelashes. `Can I do you hair?`
Marlene looked up again, her face was also red from sunburn. `Hm-hm,` she nodded, and slid down to the carpet, sitting in front of Mary.
`Your hair gets lighter in the summer.` Mary remarked as she started to part Marlene`s fair hair into equal parts.
`It does that.` Marlene sighed contently.
***
The hospital wing was fresh and clean; a reclusive and calm sanctuary from the sultry heat and rampant commotion of the rest of the castle. Those last few days of the school year, in which everyone needed to pack their belongings, clean out the dormitories, and find their pets, were always the most hectic.
With care, Marlene placed the glass vials next to eachother on the shelf, wary as not to break them in the tedious process. The sun shone in through the small widow, breaking through the various coloured liquids; the light projecting onto the wall, rendering the grey bricks in vibrant shades of emerald tones.
Muttering underneath her breath, she counted the potions, tallying up how many there were left of each, her quill scratching dryly on the parchment. `Eleven,` scratch, `twelve,` scratch, `thirteen,` scratch.
Just after their OWL examinations had come to a close, Marlene had visited the hospital wing with an abominable sunburn. It hadn`t hurt that much at first, only when someone prodded it. However, in a few days’ time, her skin had turned a wicked shade of red, until eventually starting to peel and itch, making it practically unbearable to sleep, or move for that matter.
Naturally, Madam Pomfrey had inquired about her exams. Marlene suspected that the medi-witch had taken pity on her because of her earlier outburst.
`Och, y`know,` Marlene had shrugged meekly. `I reckon I`ve done alright.`
This hadn`t been a complete lie. Her exams had gone well enough; she thought so at least. Though, truth be told when said that her nerves were absolutely frayed from the fearful anticipation of her results.
The letter containing her final marks would be sent to Hollyhock near the end of summer. Lily had not stopped yipping on about how unfair she thought this was; having them wait that long. Marlene was completely in agreement; it would ruin her peace of mind. She had absolutely no idea what she`d do if she hadn`t achieved high enough marks to pass the classes she needed.
As Marlene had waited for the draught to do its job, soothing her burning skin, she`d tentatively asked Madam Pomfrey a couple of questions about becoming a healer; afraid that she would find it annoying. On the contrary, Madam Pomfrey had not seemed to mind at all, encouraging Marlene to ask all she wanted to know. Finally, all boundaries had been lost, and Marlene had stoked the older witch with queries.
Strictly speaking, it was frowned upon for students to hang around the hospital wing when they weren`t ill, or visiting a friend. However, the medi-witch had opened her doors for Marlene, telling her that she was allowed to aid her and ask questions whenever she had some wiggle room in her timetable.
`I can always use the extra help.` Madam Pomfrey had smiled, patting Marlene`s arm matronly.
So it came to be that Marlene was spending the majority of her spare time in the infirmary. She still had classes to attend those last few weeks of term, though, most of them were cut short due to a lack of motivation from both students and teachers. Mary was spending more time than ever with Sirius, and Lily was either in the library or on prefect patrol. With quidditch practice done for the year, Marlene had too many hours left in her days to spend solely in her own company.
The tasks Madam Pomfrey gave her were easy enough; making the beds, cleaning, doing inventory. She`d even demonstrated her a couple of standard housekeeping spells to speed up the process, but Marlene did most of it still by hand, afraid that she`d somehow mess it up and be sent away.
If she were to be accepted into the class Madam Pomfrey taught for N.E.W.T. level students, she would also get acquainted with real healing spells and potions.
After she`d finished tallying up all the healing draughts, Marlene snuck a quick glance over her shoulder. Madam Pomfrey was conversing with Professor McGonagall at the other end of the wing; speaking to eachother in hushed voiced, sometimes laughing, or gently touching eachother on the arm. Even though the medi-witch hadn`t specifically told her, Marlene had caught on by now. The girl, or woman more so, Madam Pomfrey been talking about had been Professor McGonagall. Marlene`s own head of house. It was still rather hard to wrap her head around.
There were so many question she wanted to ask them. But how could she? She didn`t even have the right words to express what she was feeling herself. Even after a couple of years of knowing, Marlene still had no idea what all of this meant; that she fancied girls. There was no one that told her what was going on inside her body and mind. It was rarely discussed, and if it was, it was always derogatory; painted as something wrong and sinful. The word queer was sometimes thrown around by other students; along with some other less pleasant terms.
A couple of years ago, a member of the Wizarding Gamot had come out as the first openly lesbian member of the Ministry of Magic. She had been married to a wizard then. Her colleagues had refused to stand by her. Marlene mostly remembered her stepfather`s disgust when he`d told them. It had made Marlene`s blood curdle, even if she hadn`t know what it meant yet. It had frightened her.
Not too long ago, male homosexuality had been punishable by law in the UK. Even though the law had been lifted, it was rather evident that nothing really had changed in the public and political view of queerness. There was always discourse about whether this musician, or that writer might be queer. Yet, female homosexuality almost seemed to be silenced to death. In the beginning of the century, a law had been introduced to parliament to criminalize lesbianism. However, the court had dismissed it, saying they didn`t want to put to the idea into women`s heads that having relations with eachother was even a possibility. As if they hadn`t figured that out for themselves yet.
Sometimes an article would appear in the Daily Prophet, or one of the muggle newspapers Lily read. Marlene would tear them out and read them in secret, afraid that someone might find out, setting fire to them afterwards. There appeared to be nothing on the subject in the library or archives, and even if there had been, she`d have been too frightened to check them out. There was no certainty as what would happen if someone was to find out.
`Ah, I see you`re done with those, Miss McKinnon.` Madam Pomfrey stepped into her own office. Professor McGonagall had apparently departed.
Marlene nodded smiling, a little nervous.
`Oh dear,` the medi-witch frowned as she glanced over the parchment, scratching her nurses cap. `Seems like we`re almost out of sleeping draughts - no wonder, just after exams…` She looked pensive for a moment and then at Marlene. `Do you think you have time to fetch me some lavender and valerian from the greenhouses still - before dinner? I would do it myself, but I`m afraid I have more pressing matters to attend to.`
`Of course.` Marlene replied hastily. There was only half an hour left before dinner, so she`d have to hurry, but she was sure she could manage. She desperately really wanted the older witch` stamp of approval.
The greenhouses on the Hogwarts grounds were portioned off into multiple sections. One part was reserved entirely for medicinal herbs and plants; ordinary and magical. Usually, it was Professor Sprout who harvested the crops and brought them to the infirmary, though, whenever something was needed unexpectedly, or in a haste, Madam Pomfrey would do it herself. Marlene had gone down there by herself twice now. She didn`t mind it in the slightest; the smell and atmosphere of the greenhouses reminded her of her mother`s garden.
Armed with a wicker basket, dragonhide gloves, some twine, and a pair of scissors, Marlene set off towards the greenhouses. The gloves were a wee bit overkill, but it made her feel important.
There was always a small group of students sitting behind the greenhouses, smoking pot, listening to music, and lounging on the grass.
`Alright, Lupin.` Marlene nodded at Remus as she passed him by. He was alone, none of the other marauders were with him.
`McKinnon,` Remus squinted up at her, his eyes watery and red. `Come to join?`
She shook her head. Even though it was certainly inviting to descend into the calm bliss he was seemingly experiencing, she`d vowed to herself that she wouldn`t feck up her lungs. `On a mission.` She held up the basket, pointing at the greenhouse.
`Oh, right.` he nodded, absentmindedly, taking a drag of his spliff.
`See you at dinner.`
Remus was still as much a mystery to her as he`d been before. However hard she tried, she wasn`t able to figure out whether or not he was queer too. Which was probably the point. There was always to option of flat-out asking him, though, with that she would risk more than she was daring to admit to herself.
Marlene entered through the backdoor of the greenhouse, the humidity and heat instantly washing over her as a warm shower. She started gathering the lavender, carefully placing the purple flowers into her basket. She rubbed the leaves together between her fingers, the oils seeping into her skin, the fragrance engulfing her.
There was too much unknown. Too many factors that made finding out more too risky. The silence and secrecy were absolutely killing her. It was unbearable to not know who she was, or what it all meant.
It felt incredibly lonely.
***
Friday July 2nd 1976
It had been an odd couple of weeks. The first while after the altercation with Severus, Lily had been able to throw herself entirely into her studies, swamping herself in work, directing all of her attention towards getting though her OWL examinations. However, now those were over, and the summer holidays were nearing, she felt herself being at a loose end.
She was still upset with Severus, obviously, and her resentment towards the other boys hadn`t waned. Still, it had all been shoved to the background somewhat, as if a scab had started forming over the gashes. Pain eroding to a dull throbbing hurt.
Something else had happened too; something inexplicable. Only a few days after they`d had their last exam, Sirius had suddenly been kicked off the quidditch team, without explanation. Next to that, Remus had been hauled up in the hospital wing, again, with some unknown ailment.
That Sunday, Severus had ensnared her, completely distraught, his face simultaneously brooding and frightened. It wasn`t the first time that he`d tried to talk to her after the incident. As a matter of fact, he seemed to be clinging to her more than ever; ambushing her at any given opportunity. Naturally, Lily had tried to shake him off, but he`d kept rambling on about the full moon, werewolves, the whomping willow, and a secret tunnel; not making any sense whatsoever. He`d said that he wanted to protect her; that she was in mortal danger; that she needed to stay away from Remus, at all costs.
`Just stop bothering me, Sev, ok?` she`d yelped exasperated. `I`m not talking to you.`
That same evening, she`d had prefects patrol. Since Remus was still in the hospital wing, or at least nowhere to be found, she was forced to do it on her own.
Fortunately, it had been a quiet evening. The hallways had been empty and no one had bothered her, which had been a relieve. Prefects weren`t really supposed to be on their own; and in the end she hadn`t been. Remus had shown up last minute, limping and looking paler than usual.
She`d asking him how he was doing; whether he was faring better. He`d asked her the same. She`d told him she was fine; now that Severus had stopped stalking her at least. He`d apologized, for all of it, sounding genuinely sorry.
`It wasn`t your fault.` she`d said dismissively, tossing her hand. `I really thought that…oh, it`s silly, but I thought that maybe one day, he`d change his mind about all of that pureblood nonsense, and when he did I`d still be there. Like all I had to do was just keep being his friend, and everything would just work out for the best. Foolish.`
`Not that foolish.` Remus had shrugged, meekly.
`Yeah, well. Could have saved myself a lot of heartache.`
She`d surveyed Remus then. He`d looked incredibly tired; worn-out, as if he hadn`t slept for days. The last bit of resentment that she`d also felt towards him had melted away at the sight of his sad dark eyes.
`What are you doing wandering around, anyway? Go to bed, you`ve not been well!` She hadn`t tried to sound so matronly. It had made them both smile.
Out of the blue, Remus had done something extremely unexpected. He`d wrapped his long arms around her, hugging her, very tightly. She`d blinked, overwhelmed and overcome with emotion. Then, she`d hugged him back, trying to tell him in that one hug that she was there for him, whatever was going on. His grip had tightened, lifting her off the floor.
`God, you`re stronger that you look, Lupin.` she`d squealed.
`Sorry.` Remus had set her down again, his face flushed red.
`No, it was nice,` she`d smiled, reaching up and rubbing his shoulder. `You ok?`
`Yeah.` Remus had nodded.
Lily hadn`t believed him in the slightest. It was obvious that he was far from ok. A gap seemed to have been brought into existence, tearing the marauders apart. Lily rarely saw them together anymore after that. At least not the four of them. Neither she, nor Mary, nor Marlene knew what was going on.
Even though Lily had wanted to push it far way, something told her that it had something to do with what Severus had tried to tell her; that he hadn`t been lying, not this time at least. From the depths of her being, there`d been a small nagging voice telling her to check the moon chart. And sure enough, the weekend that Remus had been hauled up in the infirmary had been on a full moon.
A sense of fear and confusion had overtaken her. What if Remus truly was a werewolf? It would certainly explain his scars, his absences, his overall demeanour. It would explain so much. Could it be that, for once, Severus hadn`t just been paranoid? Had her unconditional trust in Remus truly blinded her from seeing the truth?
On the train back to London, on the last day of fifth year, Lily finally mustered up the courage to confront Remus. She wouldn`t be able to bear living in uncertainty any longer.
`Hello,` she said gingerly, peeking her head into his car. `Wondered where you`d got to.`
Remus was sat by the window, smoking, mumbling something undecipherable in response.
Lily invited herself in. `What are you doing here, all alone?`
`Too crowded in there.`
`Know how you feel.` Lily responded. Their carriage was filled to the brim. `McGonagall told me you’ve given up being a prefect.`
`Yep.` Remus stubbed out his cigarette and lit up another.
`Shame.` Lily replied. `You were good at it.`
`Liar.`
`Yeah, ok, you were rubbish.` They both smirked. `But I`ll miss you on my rounds.` That wasn`t a lie. She`d really miss him.
Neither of them spoke and Lily shuffled nervously in her seat. `Remus? Whatever`s going on with you and the other boys. I hope it gets better. You seem so miserable.`
`I`m fine.`
`Black`s off the quidditch team.`
`Is he?`
`What did he do?`
`Leave it, Evans, just go away.`
`You know, you can talk to me. I know how it feels like to be let down by a friend…` she offered.
`How is Snivellus.` Remus snarled.
That remark somewhat stung. Lily felt her lower lip tremble. `He`s…` she hesitated. `Well I`m still not talking to him, as you know. He keeps trying, though. He…um…he had some pretty mad stories, actually…` She felt her hands get clammy and her heart was throwing itself against her ribs as a wild animal. `…about you…`
Finally, Remus properly looked at her. Lily didn`t know how he would respond. She`d try to play this part out in her mind multiple times, but every time she came at a dead end. She was scared that he would get angry.
`I don`t believe them!` she blurted out, nervously, fidgeting with her skirt.
`Don`t you?` Remus raised his eyebrows, challengingly.
`I mean, just because you`re…well, you do have a lot of scars – sorry -` she added.` And you do get ill quite a lot, but that doesn’t mean…I hadn`t really thought about it, maybe it`s just a weird coincidence.` She was working herself in impossible knots, staring at her hands, not daring to look at Remus. `Sev has always been a bit paranoid…and…`
`Lily.` Remus cut in; he didn`t sound angry at all, his voice was soft. He put his cigarette away and leaned in. `You can`t tell anybody.`
As if hit by a lightning bolt, Lily looked up, instantly shutting her mouth, her eyes widening. It was true; Remus was a werewolf. Holy hell. In a matter of seconds her mind speeded through all the emotions she thought she could feel. Then, she swallowed, straightened up resolutely, and nodded.
`I won`t,` she said. `Promise.` And she meant it.
///