Fifth Year, Song and Dance
Tuesday January 20th 1976
His head was bend so far over his text that his forehead was almost touching the yellowing paper. Remus Lupin slouched a tremendous amount. He had horrible posture, really. Maybe, Marlene pondered, Remus` way of completely shielding his features from the rest of the world was a device for others to read him like one might read a palm. His dark blond mop of waves fell over his forehead and temples, getting into his eyes, hiding most of his face from view. Possibly, it was a way to hide the rest of himself too; the parts he didn`t want anyone to see. If she was being honest, Marlene had never really paid that much attention to Remus, or any boy for that matter. So quite imaginably she was just grappling around in the dark looking for signs that weren`t there.
It irked her tremendously that she wasn`t able to spot what Christopher had been able to see at first glance. What were the clues she needed to be looking out for? She`d been surveying Remus for a fair few days now, still she couldn`t make out what it was. And, if it truly was something tangible, did she have it too? Remus did have quite a few nasty looking scars and he tended to disappear a lot with those horrible migraines. Marlene got migraines too, but she supposed that couldn`t possibly have anything to do with it. Though, it was rather peculiar.
Lots of girls fancied Remus; that Marlene did know. Even Lily, of all people, had fancied him for quite some time. Marlene herself had actually offered to snog him once, even if it had been for a dare. However, it was true that she`d never seen him look at a girl like the other marauders tended to do. And he had been rather distraught when Lily had revealed her crush to him.
`Hey,` Mary elbowed her in her ribs. `Earth to Marlene.` She waved a hand in front of her eyes. `Where did you disappear off to?`
Marlene blinked and tore her gaze away from Remus. `Sorry, I was just…` she trailed off and shook her head vaguely.
`Were you staring at Lupin?` Mary cocked an eyebrow and grinned.
`No,` Marlene frowned; already annoyed at the interpretation Mary would have for all of this. `I wasn`t.`
`Oh, you so were!` Mary whispered excitedly. `Don`t fib.`
Marlene glued her eyes to her half-finished Potions essay, wanting to speed past this part.
`You know,` Mary continued, an air of intrigue in her voice. `There`s a Hogsmeade weekend coming up, on Lil`s birthday actually. Me and Sirius reckoned we might all head down to the pub. Maybe I can arrange for Lupin to be your date, eh? I`m sure Sirius would be more than happy to set you two up.`
`I don`t want to date Remus.` Marlene grumbled. This was all a mess. `I don`t fancy Remus.`
`Oh, come on,` Mary cajoled. `It`ll be fun! Wouldn`t hurt you to give dating a try.`
`I said I don`t want to.` Marlene bit back, with more force than she`d intended. `Not everyone is as boy mad as you are.`
Mary looked slightly hurt. `Alright, I`m sorry. Just reckoned it might be a good idea.` she said defensively. `Sirius has been going on about how Lupin has been in a right mood all year.` she paused. `Not unlike you actually.`
`I`m not in a mood.` Marlene mumbled back, inking out a corner of her parchment, drenching it.
`Personally, I think Remus is just lonely.` Mary ignored her, pondering out loud. `Why else would he conduct a bloody study group?`
`Because he likes it?` Marlene squinted her eyes. `I don`t see the point. Sure, Remus is a wee bit quiet and spends a lot of time on his own, but I don`t think there`s something wrong with that. He has loads of friends.`
`I think you might be a bit lonely, actually.` Mary stared at Marlene, her dark pondlike eyes gripping hers and not letting go.
Marlene swallowed hard, suddenly feeling tears prick behind her eyes. `What makes you say that?` Her voice wavered and she quickly looked away.
`Dunno,` Mary shrugged. `You just seem…I don`t know…` she trailed off and sighed.
`Well, I`m not.` Marlene held on. `And you wouldn`t think so if you actually spend more time with me.` That last bit was maybe somewhat unnecessary to add, but it tumbled out before Marlene had any say in it. `All you seem to do these days is hang around Sirius` neck, seeing how far you can stick your bleeding tongue down his throat.`
`He`s my boyfriend, Marls.` Mary frowned. `You can`t expect me to spent all my time hanging out with you - we`re not eleven anymore.`
`Hmm.` Marlene grumbled. `Than stop judging me for how I act.`
`Fine.` Mary said. `I`ll drop it. Just trying to be a good friend.`
Marlene started biting at her nails, staring hopelessly at her essay. The annoying thing was that Mary was actually being a good friend; she just had the wrong audience. If Mary really was a good friend, Marlene though, she`d break up with Sirius and confess her ever lasting love to her, prior to preferably snogging her.
`I think I`ll go for a jog.` Marlene sprang up. `Before it gets dark.` She was no longer in the mood to sit in such close proximity to Mary.
`Oh, please don`t say you`re cross with me.`
Marlene shook her head. `No, of course not.` How could she be angry with Mary? `I need to keep my stamina if we want to crush Slytherin this year.`
That wasn`t a lie. Besides, she could hardly keep staring at Remus without risking another ambush from Mary. Her investigation would need to be put on hold.
Swiftly, trying to waste as little time as possible, Marlene changed into her running gear, grabbed her shoes, and headed out. It was frightfully chilly outside; the sun had already set, but it was still light enough. She decided to run back and forth to the lake.
Her joints were stiff from sitting all day on hard wooden chairs and she thought she could actually hear her knees creak with ever step she took. As she ran she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, the freezing cold air cutting her lungs like small razorblades.
Their first quidditch match of the season had been against Slytherin; they now stood tied against one another. James was avid on gaining an advantage on them; team practices were twice a week and he encouraged them to train on their own as much as possible.
The only place Marlene wasn`t afraid to get a run-in with an ill meaning Slytherin was outside. Especially in the winter time, when everybody was trying to stay out of the cold, instead of in it. Inside of the castle she always made sure she had someone at her side. Fortunately, she was able to fly somewhat under the radar of the blood-purists. Since she was technically a half-blood, some of the Slytherins didn`t bother with her and decided to pursue other students whom they deemed to be more of a problem.
At the pebble beach of the Grate Lake Marlene stopped and sat down on a large boulder. The vapor of her breath tinged the air white. The evergreens surrounding the lake reflected in the placid surface; dark and stately. Marlene picked up a pebble and threw it into the water; it made a dull plopping sound.
I think you might be a bit lonely; the sentence kept haunting her. Was she lonely? She didn`t think she was lonely. She had her friends, she had quidditch, she had her brother. On paper she truly wasn`t alone. Though, why did the words ring true? She could be in a room full of people and still feel utterly alone; feeling as if she was completely out of place; this unbridled disconnect with the rest of the world. Other people often left her feeling like she was missing a very integral piece of how a person was supposed to live and behave. Somehow it felt like everybody else had been given a rulebook that she didn`t have access to.
The silence was so incredibly engulfing that it somehow felt like her thoughts were a voice of their own. She tossed another pebble in the lake; breaking the silence. After the ripples in the water had dissolved, she got up and ran back to the castle; leaving the quiet.
***
Saturday January 31st 1976
On the morning of her sixteenth birthday, Lily was roused by Mary and Marlene jerking back the bed curtains and eagerly jumping in with her. The bedsprings creaked under the weight of the three of them and Lily let out a surprised cry.
`Happy birthday!`
`Oh my God,` Lily yelped as something touched her bare calf underneath the duvet. `Marls, your feet are freezing get them away from me!`
`Sorry.` Marlene giggled guiltily and pulled her knees up to her chest.
`Do you want me to get the presents your parents send?` Mary asked. `They asked Marls and me to keep `em safe.`
Lily nodded excitedly, sitting more upright and wiping some of the sleep from her eyes. Nimbly, Mary hopped out of bed, her bonnet bopping as she hobbled to the other side of the room to pull a pile of presents from underneath her own bed.
`There`s a card with it.` Mary thrust the card at Lily and clambered back into bed with her and Marlene.
Eagerly, Lily opened the card and read it. It was signed by both her parents; Petunia`s name was there as well, but it wasn`t in her own handwriting. Something sharp stung inside her chest, but Lily pushed it aside before it got a hold of her.
`Do the flat square one first.` Marlene said excitedly. `I reckon it`s a record.`
Lily grinned and started to unpack her first present, careful not to shred the wrapping paper. It was indeed a record: ABBA`s self-titled album. The other parcels contained a lovely pink quilted dressing gown and two books: Frankenstein and Wuthering Heights. As Mary and Marlene scrambled to get their own presents, Lily took the opportunity to slip into her new dressing gown; it was perfectly comfortable and warm, and folded around her like a soft embrace.
`I know it might not look like much,` Mary said as Lily had unwrapped her box of chocolates and sweets from them. `But we`ll treat you for a butterbeer and a slice of pie at The Three Broomsticks this afternoon.`
`Don`t be silly,` Lily smiled. `This is more than enough.` She put an arm around both her friends, squeezing their shoulders. `I love you both so so much.`
Mary kissed her cheek and Marlene took her hand to squeeze it; making their silence speak louder than any words could ever have.
Leaning back contently against her headboard, Lily gazed around their dorm room. It had been decorated for the occasion. Pink and white balloons were floating up to the ceiling; glittering streamers were strung between their bedposts; there were fresh flowers standing in a pitcher on her bedside table; and there were maybe a hundred little paper stars dangling on transparent strings from the rafters.
As luck would have it, her birthday fell on a Hogsmeade weekend. With some coaxing from Mary and Marlene, she had relented and swapped her prefect duties with one of the sixth years. She supposed that it wouldn`t hurt to give herself one day off. Especially if it was her birthday.
After breakfast, which had consisted of a lot of cake and an awfully loud rendition of happy birthday, their entire group had headed down to the village. Well, not all of them, they were one person short.
Lily glanced over her shoulder, at Peter and Desdemona who were holding hands and laughing. `Is Remus not coming?` she asked Sirius.
`Later probably,` Sirius shrugged, he had an arm wrapped around Mary as they hobbled over the cobblestones. `Said he needed to do something first. Moony and his mysteries.`
`Oh, ok.` Lily replied, feeling a little bit disappointed.
`So, Evans…` James halted in his step and sided up next to her. `What do you think of your birthday so far?`
`No complaints.` Lily responded. `Except maybe that you`re here.` She raised her eyebrows dryly.
James ignored her comment; like he always seemed to do. `You know…I think it might just get a thousand times better.` He cocked an eyebrow and smirked, his glasses slipping off his nose.
Oh Gosh, what was that supposed to mean?
`It`s a shame that Moony isn`t here,` he went on. `Otherwise we`d all be in couples. Now there`s one of us on their own...`
`You`re absolutely right.` Lily nodded gravely. `And I`m so incredibly sorry for you.`
She jerked Marlene back by her elbow and linked arms with her. They broke into a jog, leaving James behind them as they ran away giggling, hair fluttering in the wind. They were almost at the pub, practically already smelling the butterbeer flowing from the tap.
`Wonder what Potter meant by that.` Lily pondered out loud. `I hope he hasn`t got something planned again. If he pulls the same stunt as-`
She was interrupted in her rant by someone calling out her name. `Lily!`
Severus was waiting in front of The Three Broomsticks, his dark robes billowing behind him in the wind.
`Hi, Sev.` Lily smiled hesitantly.
`Happy birthday.` he said, looking at his shoes.
`Oi, Snivellus.` Sirius sneered when the rest had caught up with them. `Loitering is an offence, you know that, right?`
`Don`t.` Lily glared at Sirius. `Go inside. I`ll just be a sec.`
The others all went inside, save for Marlene who wouldn`t let go of Lily`s arm.
`Can`t she go too?` Severus pressed, casting a dirty look at Marlene.
`Nah,` Marlene shrugged her shoulders. `Think I`ll stay. Love me some fresh air.`
Severus scowled. `I thought we`d celebrate your birthday together, Lily.` It wasn`t a question exactly, more so a statement.
`Oh,` Lily faltered. `Actually…I already have plans. I- I didn`t know you wanted to, erm…` She blinked and trailed off, feeling nervous. `Don`t suppose you want to join us?`
Severus snorted humourlessly. `And spend my afternoon with…` He sized Marlene up and down. `Go have fun, Lily.`
`Come.` Marlene whispered and pulled Lily into the dark interior of the pub. `Are you, alright?`
Lily shrugged and put on a smile. `I`m fine. It`s nothing. He`s a big boy, he`ll live.` Though, about that last statement she wasn`t all that sure.
They joint the others at a large oak wooden table in the middle of the space. Apparently they hadn`t waited to order drinks for the table and two foaming butterbeers were awaiting them. She`d barely sat down in her chair when James stood up and scraped his throat.
Lily looked alarmed at Marlene, wanting to bolt.
`Seeing as it is your birthday,` James started, puffing out his chest. `I thought I might take the liberty to sing you a song I wrote for you.`
Lily eyes widened; he`d written her a song?! `Potter, I swear if you are going to-`
But she was too late as James already opened his mouth and started belting out in a grotesque falsetto.
`Lily!
You`re the prettiest flower in the bouquet,
Whenever I see you, you make my day.`
`Oh Gosh,` Lily buried her head in her hands, her cheeks burning. `Make him stop.`
The entire pub was turning their heads to look at them. James couldn`t hold a pitch for the life of him.
`Lily!
Your smile lights up every room,
You set my heart in bloom.`
Some people were starting to cheer and clap him on, others began to boo him.
`Lily!
There`s no other girl like you,
You`re the only one I want to woo.`
James was now kneeling in front of her on the dirty pub floor; serenading her at the top of his voice. Lily rose from her chair, towering over him, glancing down at his face in horror. `Potter, please-` she hissed, but was unable to form a scenes above his horrid belt.
`So, please, please, my dear,
Drink with me a butterbeer!`
He finished with a flourish and grabbed her hands in his. `Lily, my dearest, will you go out with me?`
Lily fell quiet for a couple of seconds. The entire pub was looking at them; she didn`t know whether she should laugh or cry. Then, she wrenched her hands loose from his grip, grabbed the nearest butterbeer and splashed it in his face with vigour.
`Don`t you ever do that again.` she yelped. `You hear me?!`
James spluttered and wiped the foaming liquid from his eyes.
With her cheeks still burning hot and her heart pounding out of her chest, Lily sat down at the table. Nobody dared to speak for a couple of minutes. Lily was on the brink of bursting out laughing, though, she didn`t think it would be appropriate. She saw Severus staring at her from the bar, a dark look on his face.
Luckily, at that moment, Remus came wandering their way.
`Moony!` Sirius let out. `You missed all the fun!`
`Yeah, sorry,` Remus mumbled and cast Lily an apologetic smile. `Er…how is…everyone?`
Peter let out an odd sort of giggle and slapped a hand in from of his mouth. James looked like he had been smacked in the face with a wet towel; which, in a sense, he had. Lily smiled smugly to herself. Maybe now she`d be finally be shot of him. The earth would need to turn on its axis before she would go out with James Potter.
***
Sunday February 15th 1976
By the looks of it the corridor was completely deserted. Mary slowly emerged from behind the pillar, exiting her hiding place, careful to stick as close to the wall as possible as she silently ran towards the other end of the hallway, towards the door. Sneaking around with Sirius had taught her a thing or two about being out of bounds after curfew. She knew when the prefects would head to their towers, how to avoid having a run in with Filch, and where Mrs Norris hid out. Still, it was extremely risky, stealing around on her own like this.
The door that led her outside made some noise when she opened it; it took Mary everything not to break into a run. The empty courtyard was flooded in the blue-silver light of the full moon, forming sharp shadows on the walls of the castle.
Boredom and solitude had driven her out of the Gryffindor common room. Lily and Marlene had both gone to bed early and somehow she hadn`t been able to find Sirius anywhere she looked. In fact, none of the marauders had made an appearance. Mary supposed that they were creeping around somewhere in the castle, paying a tribute to their marauding ways. It bothered her. He`d at least could have told her, he owed her that. She absolutely hated being alone; she didn`t know what to do with herself.
The thought of going to bed early, or doing some revision had in fact struck her, thought, she`d quickly let it go. She wanted some adventure; something else. Days were blending into eachother, making Mary feel like she was fading colour. The walls of the castle were closing in on her at an accelerating speed. She needed to get out of her head. With the full moon shining down on them, what better opportunity than to go down to the greenhouses. After her first trip down there with Avni, she`d gone one or twice, but it had never really become a habit.
A soft green glow emanated from the greenhouse, into the dark of the night. Mary tapped her wand on the doorknob before entering. Instantly the humid warmth showered over her and she could hear the hushed voices of the others dribbling her way. She made her way to the back end of the greenhouse, nodding at some other students in passing.
`Look who decided to get her arse down here.` Dorcas proclaimed as Mary ducked underneath the low hanging plants. Avni had her head laying on Dorcas` lap, looking very peaceful. `Dint think I`d see you again.`
`Yeah,` Mary grinned bashfully. She realised she`d barely spoken to Dorcas or Avni all year. `Needed to get out.`
`Well, you`re always welcome, love.` Dorcas smiled and patted the empty space next the her. She was holding a spliff between her thumb and forefinger, the smoke coiling up to the ceiling of the greenhouse.
Mary donned her cloak and bunched it up to cushion her seat. `Brought some music.` She held up the copy of Natty Dread Jayden had gotten her for her birthday.
`You`re a saviour.` Dorcas grinned and took the record out of its sleeve, putting it on the turntable. `Av brought Abbey Road.` She pulled a face.
`What`s wrong with The Beatles?` Avni slightly lifted her head, looking affronted.
`Nothing wrong with `em perse.` Dorcas raised her eyebrows. `Just fancy something else than four whingy white blokes blearing in my ear when I`m smoking.`
`You know they were actually stoned for a lot of their music.`
Mary chuckled and took a drag of the joint Dorcas held out to her, pinching it between her thin dark fingers. The smoke burned sourly in her lungs, feeling like it scraped the sides of the tissue. She coughed, spluttering; she didn`t think she`d ever get used to that. Almost immediately she could feel the edges of the world become hazier; softer, as if someone had taken a rubber and blurred out the sharp corners.
Mary closed her eyes, looking at the flowering colours on the inside of her eyelids, swaying slowly to the rhythm of the music. Suddenly she felt someone`s cool fingers on the collar of her shirt; she wasn`t bothered by it, the edges between personal spaces and bodies also becoming blurrier.
`You`ve got a bruise.` Dorcas said, tracing a finger over her neck.
Mary giggled. `It`s not a bruise.` She raised her eyebrows meaningfully.
`Didn`t think Black had it in him.` Avni sniggered.
`I reckon my mum would kill me if she saw me with a hickey.` Mary giggled. `She already thinks I`m a slag.`
`Your mum uses the word slag?` Avni`s dark eyes widened. Her headscarf slipped somewhat and she pulled it straight.
`Nah,` Mary waved a dismissive hand and stood up, starting to sway to the music on her feet. `But she doesn`t like the way I dress and she absolutes hates that I`ve got a boyfriend. She almost made me break up with him, but luckily my dad brought some sense into her.`
Neither Dorcas nor Avni said anything in response, they were both staring wide-eyed at Mary as she waved her arms around herself, spinning on her axis as if trying to create a hole in time and space.
`I mean, it`s natural she`s concerned, right?` Mary went on, now closing her eyes, Bob Marley’s voice in the background. `I do understand of course. It`s just…I`m sixteen, it`s the seventies, I should have a say in what I want, don`t I?`
`Hmm.` Dorcas hummed in agreement.
The thing was that Mary truly believed that her mother held the firm believe that she was protecting her. Her mother was utterly convinced that something horrible would happen to Mary if she would disobey the rules that had been set up for her. Her mother had found solace in the Catholic church; an anker in an otherwise unknown and scary country. It had been a place where she had been able to dissolve into the mass of dancing and singing bodies. To be able to make a home away from home, her mother had been forced to find little things of familiarity to feel grounded; a security in the prayer, dance and song. Mary knew better than to blame her mother for wanting to keep her safe. There was only survival in her eyes, not discovery.
Mary stopped spinning, but the world kept turning around her. The plants had become a green blur and the record scratched.
`Isn`t it hard being with Black?` Dorcas asked. The relationship between Mary and Sirius was public knowledge and a point of controversy.
`You know,` Mary sat down. `It`s funny really, maybe because everyone is so opposed to it, it makes it all the more appealing.` she paused. `Does that make sense?`
`Oh, yeah.` Dorcas giggled and twisted her butterfly locks up into a bun. `I totally get that.`
`It`s as if it`s dangerous to be with him, right?` Mary took another drag of the joint, feeling her eyes water. `It`s a thrill; it`s rebellious.` It was easier to talk to them about Sirius than it was to Marlene and Lily who were both rather biased.
`Do you reckon he thinks of it like that as well?` Avni asked. `As another way to defy his family?`
Mary frowned. `Hadn`t thought of it like that before.`
Avni shrugged. `It`s just that it`s pretty unconventional - the two of you.`
`I do sometimes worry that we might be too different.` Mary replied as she lay down on the ground; getting sleepy now. `I don`t think he even has the slightest grasp of what my life outside of Hogwarts looks like; the ways we have to scramble to keep my family together. He`s grown up so incredibly wealthy, it`s frightening almost.`
`He`s been disinherited though.`
`Doesn`t make the privilege go away.`
`No, it doesn`t.`
`But, I shouldn`t talk down on him.` Mary sighed. `I really fancy him and he doesn`t have it easy exactly.`
She thought about how Sirius had told her about how his parents had taken turns on him with the Cruciatus curse, the Torture curse; how he`d broken down crying as he recounted the events; how he`d made her swear she wouldn`t tell anyone else. It took some trust to do that, to show the most vulnerable part of himself. After that, they hadn`t talked about it again and she wondered if they ever would. He was living with the Potters now. There was nobody who would tell him to go back to his parental home; nothing that bound him to them; nothing but blood and Regulus who moved behind him like a shadow, surveying his every move. The younger brother probably thought his stares went unnoticed, but they didn`t, not by Mary at least.
`I don`t want to think about it anymore.` Mary jumped up again, wobbling. `I just want to dance.`
Avni and Dorcas jumped up too; moving along to the rhythm; loosing themselves in the safety of the hum of familiar bodies.
///