Fifth Year, Whishing and Hoping and Pining
Monday October 27th 1975
It was the week leading up to Sirius` birthday and practically the whole house was buzzing with excitement for the upcoming party. Seeing as she had only gone out with him once, Mary wasn`t quite sure how to define her relation to him yet. Nevertheless, she decided to pay extra attention to him. After all, it wasn`t every day that you turned sixteen.
Hers had been spend at the local dancehall with her sister, twisting it down and getting drunk on heady rum that they`d snuck in. Followed by eating greasy and overcooked fish and chips at a rundown pub, washed down with gritty beer. Only to stumble home at the end of the evening in her too-high platforms, giggling and feeling pleasantly hazy. She`d awoken the following morning with a pounding headache, the feeling like she`d swallowed something vile, and on top of it all, loud as a radio transistor, her mother yelling at her for smelling like alcohol and fags, telling her she`d better start praying. Still, it had been a good day. The best day.
They were sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, waiting for the rest of their group to arrive. Sirius had one hand resting on her knee underneath the table as he explained the last quidditch practice in great laborious detail. Mary usually got eternally bored whenever someone droned on about quidditch, or any sport in general for that matter. Though, with Sirius, she could just stare at his beautiful face and keep herself pleasantly entertained for hours. She flickered her eyes down to his lips and up again at his piercing blue eyes, eagerly watching the way that his tongue sometimes went over his lips between sentences, making them pink and shiny. His dark hair was too long and kept slipping away from where he`d tucked it behind his ears. Despite this inconvenience, he never wore it in a ponytail, except when he was on a broom.
They still hadn`t as much as embraced; let alone kissed. Mary was proud of herself for keeping to her resolution. Maybe she`d let him snog her at his birthday party. That would be a proper occasion for their first kiss. Well, it wouldn`t exactly be their first fist kiss; she`d kissed him on the cheek once, however, in her opinion that didn`t count. That had been a childish and innocent exploit.
`So then I just went for it, you know?` Sirius said, raking his hair back again. `I had my bat at the ready and I whacked it just right out of the park. You should have seen the looks on their faces.` He grinned.
Mary nodded and hummed; smiling even though she had absolutely no clue what he was banging on about. She did thoroughly enjoy his re-enactment of it; the way it made his shirt rise up, displaying a thin strip of his lower abdomen, making her look away bashfully. Sirius` skin was so smooth and pale that she often wondered whether it would be cold to the touch, like marble.
With avid attention Mary watched Sirius gesture with his hands, watching his long slim fingers weave through the air, the blue veins crossing them like a network of ribbons. She was thus absorbed that she didn`t notice the other`s approaching them.
`Fido.` James smirked and nodded at Sirius as he plopped himself down at the dinner table.
`Rudolph.` Sirius nodded back at him, looking very earnest.
They boys had been calling eachother all sorts of odd names as of late; Mary wondered what that was about. Obviously she`d asked Sirius about it, but he had just smirked mysteriously and said something vague about brotherhood.
`Where have you two been?` Mary asked, surveying James and Remus. `Didn`t you have a free?`
`Library.` Remus replied, reaching over the table to get himself some tomato soup. Mary`s own soup was getting cold, forgotten. `You two are acting like we don`t have OWLs coming up.`
`I`ll do my revision at Christmas.` she shrugged, unbothered. She really couldn`t care less about their exams. `I`m not that fussed. I`m more nervous about the career interviews.` She grabbed a piece of bread and sopped it into her cooled down soup.
`Career interviews?` Remus eyes widened in the same way that Mary`s had when she`d first heard about them.
`Lily was telling me,` Mary readjusted in her seat, her knee bumping into Sirius` thigh. `After OWLs we have to go and have a meeting with McGonagall about what to do after school finished. No idea what`ll say – if the war carries on I won`t even be able to get a job as a muggleborn.`
`You will.` James chipped in fiercely; as if he had any say in it. `We`re going to win.`
Mary shrugged and soaked the same piece of bread a second time into her soup. `Well, even so, I dunno what I want to do when we leave. Only wizarding job I know anything about is teaching, and I definitely don`t want to do that.` She chuckled lightly and bit into the soggy tomato soup bread.
Mary was startled by a large owl landing next to Sirius` plate, almost knocking his wing into her face. Sirius sighed heavily and rolled his eyes.
`At least it`s not a howler.` James tried to cheer him up as he lathered butter onto a bread roll.
Without hesitation, Sirius ripped the envelope open. Mary watched him nervously as his eyes skittered across the parchment. She tried to read along over his shoulder, but he angled away from her so she couldn`t see anything. Still completely silent, Sirius rose from the table and turned towards the other end of the hall. At the Slytherin table, Mary spotted Regulus staring at his older brother, his face anxious and solemn. Sirius locked eyes with Regulus and lifted the letter into the air.
`Incendio.`
Mary let out an involuntary scream as Sirius pointed his wand at the letter and set it alight. The yellowish parchment went up in flames and crumpled down in thick ashes at Sirius` feet. He sat back down; his face was one of triumph.
`Bad news, then?` James asked, his mouth full of bread.
`A summons to spend my birthday with my darling brother.` Sirius said haughtily, raising his nose into the air.
`Well, that isn`t so bad?` James looked puzzled.
`Yes.` Remus cut in, looking very decisive.
`Why did you do that?` Regulus suddenly appeared behind Sirius and Mary, glaring down at his brothers` stiff back. Sirius didn`t stir and kept feeding himself spoonful after spoonful of soup. `Sirius.` Regulus held on, raising his voice now. `Why did you burn that letter?`
Sirius kept on ignoring his younger brother and Mary was starting to get anxious. `C`mon Mary.` He rose from his seat and held out his hand for her to grab. `Let`s go, we`ve got Charms next, haven`t we?`
Hesitantly Mary grabbed onto Sirius` hand, unsure how she fit into all of this.
`It wasn`t from mum,` Regulus tried one last time. `I wrote it myself, I wanted to see you.`
Mary looked at Regulus, at his uncertain pink cheeked face and glimmering eyes. Her heart went out to him in that moment. How horrible not to have your family to turn to.
However, Sirius remained unmoved and linked Mary`s arm in his as he swept them both out of the Great Hall.
`Don`t you think you should give him a chance?` Mary whispered hesitantly.
`No, I don`t.` Sirius snipped back, his voice cold. `He`s made his choice already.`
Mary swallowed, not daring to say anything more. Was it going to be like this from now on? Having to watch the two Black brothers freeze eachother out from the side-lines?
`Don`t be glum now,` Sirius said cheerily, pocking her in her side. `My brother is a bore. There are so much more exciting things than my little brother.` He rolled his eyes and grinned at Mary, that one-sided impish grin that made Mary week in the knees.
`Alright.` she smiled, her stomach alight with a thousand fireflies. Good God, she would so snog him on his birthday.
***
Thursday October 30th 1975
`Even with the silencing charms?`
`Even with the silencing charms!` Lily replied exasperated. `Honestly, I thought you would have a little bit more sense than that.`
`But they won`t even notice a thing.` Remus frowned, fiddling with the cuff of his sleeve. `They`ll go unbothered.`
`Really, Remus, we can`t disrupt the whole house just because it`s Sirius` birthday!` Lily felt herself nearing desperation.
`Why not?` Remus yawned and rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand. `We did it last year. And the year before that.`
`Last year coincided with a quidditch victory.` Lily replied pointedly. `That was a house celebration.`
`Well so is this.` Remus threw his hands up in the air.
`No, this is a Sirius celebration.`
`Yeah. Everyone loves Sirius.`
`Hmph.` Lily breathed sceptically. Not everyone.
`You ought to put a stop to it.` Lily said decidedly.
`Why me!?` Remus yelped, staring down at her.
`Because you are a prefect, Remus.` She wagged an angry finger at his chest. `Why did you think they gave you that badge?`
`Believe me, I have no idea.` Remus stifled another yawn. `Have we done enough yet?` He sighed, throwing his head back and dragging his feet. `We haven`t seen any students for ages.`
Lily yawned as well and tried to hide it in the crook of her elbow; it was late. That was another thing she was still getting used to: these late patrolling hours. She sighed and looked up and down the length of the corridor.
`Oh, I suppose you are right.` she replied, hesitantly. `I`ll just check the girl`s loo`s here,` she pointed at the door to their left. `Then let`s head back.`
`Mm.` Remus nodded and slumped against the wall, his head leaning against the stone. He did look extremely tired.
Lily pushed through the door and entered into the dim light of the loo`s. The marble floor shone in the light that pooled in through the round window that sat high upon the tiled wall. The light was not from the moon, but from other lit up windows on the opposite side of the castle.
Her patent-leather shoes tapped hollow on the slippery tiles as she marched towards the last loo in the row. Routinely, she checked every single stall, making sure that there was no one hiding in there. She liked to be utterly thorough when she was on patrol duty; no nook or cranny would be left unchecked. This was partly because she actually cared that there were no students wandering around in the dead of night; and partly because she was terrified that she might miss something important, making Professor McGonagall regret having made her a prefect. There was a desperate need to prove that she was up for the job.
As she strode back, she checked herself in the large gilded mirror; fastening her plaits and running a finger underneath her eyes, wiping away some excess mascara. She yawned again, starting to feel more tired by the minute.
Just then, she heard raised voices on the other side of the door. She frowned and clutched her wand tightly before heading out the loo`s.
Her eyes widened in a mixture of surprise and apprehension when she came to stand face to face with someone she hadn`t expected to see. `Sev!` she let out. `What`s going on?` She felt her chest tighten and her pulse quicken.
Remus was glaring at Severus; he was a fair bit taller than the other boy and towered over him. Severus` face was contorted into a nasty snarl, his top lip curled. Lily`s eyes flitted between the two of them.
`I was just telling Snivellus that he is about to get a detention for being out of bounds…` Remus cocked an eyebrow, a condescending tone to his voice.
`Don`t call him that!` Lily spat hotly at Remus. Then she turned to face Severus. He was staring at his shoes, looking caught now that Lily had arrived on the scene. `You really ought to be in your own common room at this time of night.` she addressed him, wearily.
`I wanted to make sure you were ok,` Severus replied, looking at her earnestly. `It isn`t save wandering around the castle with delinquents.` he added; his voice turning sour and mean, curling up at the edges of the sentence.
`Watch it, Snape.` With one swift movement, Remus withdrew his wand and directed it at Severus.
`Watch what, muggle-lover?` Severus sneered back. Lily`s stomach lurched and she felt sick.
`You slimy, filthy…`
Remus and Severus were almost standing chest to chest, eyes shooting daggers and wands raised menacingly. What was it with these boys that everything needed to be turned into a duel?
`Stop it, both of you!` Lily roared as she pulled her own wand from her robe pocket. `Or I`ll turn you both into mice and you can take your chances with Mrs Norris!` she threatened, glaring from the one to the other.
Both of them took a step back and stared at her with their mouths agape, not saying anything. They looked like little schoolboys.
`Quite right.` she reprimanded them, straightening her back and planting her feet firmly on the flagstones. `Now, Severus, go back to the dungeons, Remus shut up and come with me.`
Severus let his head hang and looked extremely put out; Remus was still staring at her as if he couldn`t believe what he was seeing. With force she turned around, feeling her plaits slap against her back.
It took a while before she heard Remus set into motion and hurry after her. By the time he was at her side again she was almost at the top of the second staircase.
`I didn`t start it, you know.` Remus tried to rectify himself. `Ol` Snivellus has been following me around all year, the slime ball.`
`I don`t want to hear it!` she bit, not looking at Remus. `I don`t even care who started it anymore, you lot or him. I think you`re all horrible bullies.`
`Lily!` Remus cried appalled.
`I mean it, Remus, I`ll curse you!`
Remus halted and rubbed his hip. Lily didn`t care, she marched on ahead, wanting to get to her room as quick as possible.
You`d think that at the ripe age of almost sixteen these boys would have gained some common sense among them. But no, it seemed that as the years got on they only spiralled further into utter lunacy. Even Remus, whom she truly regarded to be the most sensible of them all, didn`t seem to act out of reason.
At eleven she had been able to tolerate this annoying spat that Severus and the Gryffindor boys seemed to be having. But no more, having a nemesis was incredulously childish. Couldn`t they just get along like normal people did? Why did they feel the need to make their indifferences an obstacle for everyone around them?
And then, as if things weren`t complicated enough as they were, there was the problem of Severus apparently following Remus around the castle again. If she was being frank, Lily had already expected something like that. Severus had promised her last year that he wouldn`t go after Remus again, however, Severus` promises were feeble and breakable bonds. He had been showing up at unexpected locations in the castle, looking like he was doing something that he wasn`t supposed to be doing. He`d also expressed grave concerns about her having to pair up with Remus for her prefect patrols. There didn`t appear to be an ounce of trust in Severus when it came down to Remus.
Lily was starting to get sick of making up excuses why she still hung out with Severus. His prejudice against muggleborns didn`t seem to be changing; if anything it seemed to worsen. Maybe everybody else was right and she was a fool for being friends with him. There was a part of her that felt ashamed about even having put up with it for so long. However, how could she break a friendship that had been such a constant in her life for so many years? She didn`t even know if Severus would accept it.
***
Saturday November 1st 1975
Twisting her head back and forth, Marlene surveyed herself in the full-length mirror in their dorm room. Her hair was out of its usual practical ponytail and hung combed out over her shoulders, floating in soft pale waves.
`I feel strange,` she sighed, tinkering with her parted fringe. `Something`s off.`
`What`d you mean?` Lily appeared next to her in the mirror; she was wearing a crocheted emerald dress, making her hair appear like a fiery halo around her head, bringing out her sparkling green eyes.
`I look like a blithering eejit.` Marlene tugged at the bottom of the dress she had borrowed from Mary; it was too large and even after pinning it up in the back, her chest didn`t fill it out by a long shot. `I feel like I could flash someone at any given moment.`
`What`s the harm in that?` Mary grinned, sauntering out of the bathroom, clipping earrings into her ears. She had preformed a spell on her eyelashes to make them long and thick, giving her face the appearance of a siren.
`Maybe for you.` Marlene grumbled, hoisting a sleeve that had slipped down back up on her shoulder.
Mary stuck out the tip of her pink tongue while shimmying her tight miniskirt until the seam was in the right spot. The sleeves of her top were flared and tumbled over her wrists like water, the neckline plunged low, and her dark skin stuck out against the stark white. It took Marlene all her might not to stare too openly.
`I want to put on trousers,` Marlene decided. `Otherwise I`m just going to feel uncomfortable all evening long.` She would feel uncomfortable either way; parties were not her forte.
After some digging around in her trunk, she finally found a white pair of flairs and a violet paisley top to match it. Instantly, she felt more like herself; albeit a highly edited version.
They went down into the common room where Sirius` birthday party was already in full swing. Music was blearing from all corners and the room was filled to the crest with students. The guests were not only Gryffindors it appeared, but also Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaw. Marlene spotted Desdemona Lewis hanging on Peter`s arm, grinning widely; he must have snuck her in.
`I`m going to find Sirius.` Mary called out above the music. She lightly touched Marlene on her arm and disappeared into the crowd.
Marlene watched her walk away with a swing in her step, swaying on her platform boots. There was a tugging sensation inside her chest, as if someone was pulling on some tiny strings.
`Oh, spectacular,` Lily moaned, rolling her eyes. `Potter has already set his eyes on me.`
James was waving frantically at them from the other side of the room, by the looks of his red flushed face already some drinks in. Remus was cowering next to him, his shoulders slumped and still in his usual tattered sweater. It comforted Marlene to know that she wasn`t the only one who was feeling utterly out of place.
`I`m going to make sure this party doesn`t escalate.` Lily also disappeared into the crowd. Even on an evening like this, she took her prefect duties very seriously. She had been whinging about the party being held all week long.
Marlene was stranded on her own now, standing uncomfortably against the wall; tearing at her nails and grazing her teeth over her bottom lip, searching for a loose piece of skin she could gash off. Opposing her, on the other side of the room, Mary was sitting next to Sirius on a couch, one of his hands on her thigh as she chatted to him, batting her eyelashes and smiling.
`Want some?` a sixth year girl slurred as she slung an arm around Marlene. She held up a bottle of a vile green liquid. `Witches brew. Good stuff.`
Marlene had never gotten drunk and she surveyed the bottle wearily before hesitantly taking it. She took a swing, it tasted sweet and not at all unpleasant. It did leave a burning sensation in the back of her throat and she coughed.
`Keep the bottle.` the girl slapped her on the back. `Looks like you need it.`
`Cheers.` Marlene took another gulp, feeling the liquid warm her extremities.
The music picked up its rhythm and people were starting to dance. Peter and Desdemona were twirling around, both pink cheeked and grinning. Mary and Sirius were the centre of attention, swinging eachother around on the dancefloor. Merlin, look at them; Marlene thought, and put the bottle to her lips again. Anything to make this more bearable.
The floor swayed a little as she made her way through the common room. She noticed Remus sitting alone on a couch, his eyes directed at the dancefloor. He looked sad, or angry; either one.
`Drink, Remus.` she ordered, shoving the bottle at Remus as she plopped down on the couch.
`What the hell is that?` he scrunched up his nose.
`Witches Brew.` she grinned smugly, feeling somewhat hazy.
Remus took the bottle from her and drank. `That`s going to make me so sick.`
Marlene sank further back into the couch and stared at Mary and Sirius again. `Ugh, look at him,` she sighed. `Could those jeans be any tighter?!`
Remus had now poured himself a cup of the liquor and muttered something indecipherable.
`She`s definitely going to go out with him again.` she mumbled darkly. `Mary always get what Mary wants.`
`I thought you fancied James?` Remus asked, looking puzzled.
`Mm, well they`re both pretty gorgeous, to be honest. I swing back and forth. But Potter`s so ga-ga for Lily it hardly seems worth it. Plus, I`m on the quidditch team, aren`t I? I`d never hear the end of it if I went after the captain.` Marlene rambled; she felt like she was playing a part. Maybe she should be an actress; that`d nock McGonagall right off her socks at the career interviews.
`There are other boys.` Remus replied pensively.
`Not like Sirius.` Marlene plonked her head down on Remus` shoulder. The room had started spinning a little.
I don`t want a boy; she wanted to say. I want Mary; she desperately wanted to say, but didn`t.
Whishin` and hopin` and thinkin` and prayin`
Plannin`and dreamin` each night of his charms…
That won`t get you into his arms..
`Oh god.` Remus whinged. `Who put Dusty Springfield in the pile?!`
`I love this one.` Marlene sat up, the couch feeling like an ocean. She hoisted Remus up to his feet. `C`mon darling, let`s have a dance.`
Remus let himself reluctantly be pulled along, his face red and embarrassed.
`I`ll pretend you`re a tall handsome stranger, and you can pretend I`m Raquel Welch or something.` Marlene flung her arms around his neck and started swaying to the music. That green liquid surely was making her a lot more brazen.
She giggled as Remus spun her around and reeled her back in. They were both tall and gangly and she was sure that it couldn`t look even half as elegant as Mary and Sirius. Sirius, the prince, the prig.
`Yes, Moony!` Sirius called out to them. `I never knew you could dance.`
Marlene started spinning again, holding onto Remus` sweaty hand. `Yeah, I`m the next Fred Astaire.` Remus replied as he tried to hold Marlene up.
`You`re such a sweet couple.` Mary smiled at them, and raised a pleased eyebrow at Marlene.
Despite the alcohol induced warmth that radiated all throughout her body, Marlene felt a cold chill run up her spine.
`Oi Evans!` a voice suddenly shouted out above the music.
Sure enough, as Marlene turned around, she caught sight of James. He was standing on top of a table, his hands clutched around his broom. Marlene`s mouth fell open; he wouldn`t! This was taking it a wee bit far; even for James.
`Oh no…` Remus moaned.
`Oh yes!` Sirius cheered him on.
`POTTER!` Lily roared, appearing out of the crowd, her face burning with intensity. `Get DOWN from there, you`ll hurt yourself!`
`Watch this!` James hollered cheerfully, full of confidence. He jumped onto his broom and soared towards the ceiling.
`He`s never fallen off before.` Marlene muttered, meekly.
`Has he ever been drunk before, though?` Mary raised an eyebrow.
`He`s fine.` Sirius burst out laughing. Marlene wasn`t so sure about that.
James went on flying loops around the common room, making feints and other precarious antics. Lily stood in the middle of the crowd, her arms crossed as she glared up at him.
`Pertrificus Totallus.` she finally charged. James froze mid air and Lily was able to let him have a soft landing on the rug by the use of a levitation spell. Marlene hurried over, stumbling slightly; Mary in her wake. James was laying on the rug; Lily standing over him with her hands on her hips, looking extremely cross.
`You idiot.` she spat. `Ten points from Gryffindor, and a weeks detention.`
Lily let him lay petrified on the rug as she marched over to Marlene, grabbing her by the elbow and gesturing Mary to come along.
`That was great.` Marlene giggled. `He looked absolutely gobsmacked.`
`That was not great.` Lily grumbled. `He could have seriously injured himself. What was he thinking? Flying around drunk like that?`
`You care about him.` Mary wagged an impish finger.
Lily crossed her arms. `I do not care about Potter. I just don`t want a bloodbath under my watch.`
Mary held up her hands defensively and headed off to fling herself at Sirius again. Marlene hickuped, feeling the sweet apple taste of the alcohol come back up her throat. The floor swayed and the lights and music were starting to drone into her eyes and bones.
`I`m going to bed.` she said and rubbed her temples.
The evening had nothing left to offer her anymore. Either which way, she would spend it miserably pining for Mary. Better to cut it short and extract herself from the situation.
///