Fourth Year, Blue
Blue, here is a shell for you
Inside you'll hear a sigh
A foggy lullaby
There is your song from me
Saturday January 4th 1975
Mary had said her goodbyes to Darren the evening before they were to board the Hogwarts Express back up North. It had been a long and drawn-out goodbye. She hadn`t cried, not because she hadn`t felt like it, but because she never cried. Besides, she didn`t want to cry in front of Darren; she didn`t want the last image he had of her being one with puffy eyes and a drippy nose. Darren had seemed solemn as well, but had held himself awfully cheery, probably not wanting to drag them both down. At parting, she`d promised to write as soon as she got there, and to jump at the first opportunity to ring him. Once again, she cursed Hogwarts for its lack of telephones.
It was raining again when they arrived at the station. Mary was truly getting sick of the constant rain; she shivered in her short skirt. She`d cut a strip off the bottom of her school skirt, wanting it to be more flattering on her legs - the way she`d seen older girl do, miniskirts they called them. Her mother had given her a reprimanding look at the sight of it. The shape of the school uniforms was truly horrific; it was bad enough that they had to wear robes, no need for the rest of it to absolutely swamp her figure. Yet, now in the cold, she did wish her skirt was somewhat longer.
Marlene and Lily were already waiting on the platform. Lily accompanied by both her parents; Marlene only by her mother. Quickly, Mary ran towards them, as fast as her heavy trunk would allow her to. Her family had let her go trough the barrier on her own. People stared at her enough as it was already, she didn`t need her family to be exposed to that as well. Prior, she had let them come onto the platform, but with recent developments it was probably for the better.
Flinging her arms around both her friends, Mary squeezed them tight. `You have no idea how glad I am to see you!` she sighed. `I so relieved you are alright.`
`Why wouldn`t they be alright, love?` Lily mother laughed.
Lily widened her eyes and shook her head almost unnoticeably.
`Oh, just…` Mary waved a hand around, and pursed her lips. `With the rain and all.`
`The rain?` Now Lily`s dad, laughed too.
Marlene`s mother started to frown deeply and Marlene obviously tried to catch her eye, telling her to keep quiet. It was apparent now that Lily had been shielding her family from whatever was going on. Mary tugged at the bottom of her skirt, feeling extremely uncomfortable to have brought this on.
`Och, ye sure must know what has been going on?` Marlene`s mother said, staring intently at Lily`s parents.
`I think it is time to board.` Lily jerked her thumb in the direction of the train.
`Yeah, we wouldn`t want to miss that.` Mary laughed nervously. `Bit of a long walk to Hogwarts.`
`Hm, yes of course, dear,` Lily`s mother shook her head confused. `Go and find a seat.`
Marlene and Lily hastily said goodbye to their parents and all three of them clambered hastily into the train, hurrying along the crammed corridor the find an empty compartment. They had to trot up and down the train a couple of times before they found a reasonable spot, almost entirely at the back of the express.
`I`m so sorry Lily,` Mary said as they settled down. `I had no idea your parents didn`t know.`
`No, it`s alright,` Lily shook her head. `You couldn`t have known. I should have told them really, just didn`t know how to. It is so horrid - all of it. The war…and now these attacks. Of course they know something about the war, but I try to tell them very little. I just don`t want them to worry…you know?`
`I completely understand.` Mary nodded, she knew more than anything what it was like to want to protect your family from harm.
`All I want is for them to think I`m happy and safe.` Lily stared out of the window, at the platform, where her parents were still talking to Marlene`s mother.
`I think my mammy is enlightening them now.` Marlene spoked up, gnawing on her varnish free nails. `I hope she`s being sensible. She`s been really upset about it.`
`Did she know them? The Frasers.` Mary asked. All she knew about Marlene`s mother was that she could be rather cold and disapproving of Marlene. It was surprising to hear she was upset.
`She crossed paths with Mr Fraser a couple of times in her line of work, I think.` Marlene replied. `He was a healer at St Mungo`s. Mammy`s a herbologist.` she clarified. `She cultivates plants; selling most of them for potion use. The hospital comes to her sometimes to stock their ingredients.`
Mary nodded, that made sense. It also cleared up why Marlene was so good in Herbology; basically knew the name of every plant they crossed paths with; and had transformed their dorm into something closely resembling a greenhouse.
`I just can`t get over the children.` Lily said glumly. `Can you imagine?`
`I`d rather not.` Mary replied, thinking of her younger siblings.
The train had started its long journey North, the rain beating against the windows violently, the wind howling. Lily had already pulled out her books and started on some work they`d been set over the holidays. Not having that much else to do, Marlene and Mary followed her example.
After a while, Mary got bored and started picking at her school jumper, it stretched tight and was getting slightly too small. However, she was restricted to making use of the second-hand bin at Hogwarts and couldn`t just buy another jumper. For now, in the warmth of the train, she took it off, discarding it to the side. In class it would be too cold without it; the high-ceilinged classrooms were always freezing in the winter and too hot in the summer.
`I think my boobs actually grew.` she said, staring down at her button up. `Look, I can barely get the top button closed.`
Marlene, who had just taken a sip of her water bottle, snorted water through her nose and started coughing violently.
As Lily slapped her back she said, `Yes, mine to, I think. But I reckon I have just grown all over. Mum says I`m getting her figure` Marlene stopped coughing and Lily lowered her voice as if confiding a secret. `Barely any of my clothes fit anymore when I came back home; I`m a bit embarrassed about it actually.`
`Don`t be, love.` Mary dismissed Lily`s shame breezily. `All the more reason to buy new nice clothes, eh?`
Lily shrugged, staring at her legs. `I`m already so much bigger than almost everyone in our year. Petunia is so thin, it`s so unfair.`
`So what?` Mary replied. `Lily truly, you are gorgeous. Everybody is unsatisfied with something about themselves. The sooner you accept that you look the way you do, the sooner you`ll see its just fine. Besides, looks aren`t everything.`
`Aye.` Marlene nodded along, still looking slightly red in the face from her coughing fit.
Born in a black body in a predominantly white and racist Britain had though Mary at a very young age to come to terms with her body. There was one very particular memory that stuck out to her. She must have been either four of five year old and had been allowed to pick out a doll for her birthday. Her father had taken her down to the department store in central London and Mary had gaped at the amount of toys, never having seen so much in the same place. However, there had been little variation in dolls, all of them being blue-eyed, blonde-haired and white. None of them had looked like her; not a single one. At home, she`d asker her mother if it was possible for her to also look like the dolls she`d seen, if she could trade her skin, her eyes and her hair in for theirs. That was possibly the only time she`d seen her mother truly cry.
The compartment door slid open and, to Mary`s displeasure, Snape appeared.
`Hiya.` Lily said, somewhat forcefully cheery. `Had a good Christmas?`
The boy shrugged. `Thought you would sit with me?`
Lily looked nervous and hesitated, so Mary spoke in turn, saving her the trouble. `Actually, we`ve claimed Lily for today.` she said boldly, staring up at Snape.
Contorting his face into a snarl, he stared back at her, though, his eyes were not directed at her face. `I was talking to Lily.` he drawled.
Mary felt herself start to feel sick as she practically felt Snape`s eyes bore into her chest, as if he was trying to look right through the fabric. `Oi, creep,` Mary snapped. `Are you fucking staring at my tits?`
Snape`s face turned even more sour and he quickly turned away. What he said next surprised everyone, even himself as he seemed to have quite a bit of trouble getting it out. `If- If you didn`t want me looking, then why do you have them out? You`re nothing but a dirty slag.`
`Excuse me!?` Mary spat and Marlene drew her wand.
`Severus!` Lily sprang up. `What did you just call her?`
`I-` Severus turned red and stared at his toes. `I was only stating the obvious.`
`Get lost, Severus.` Lily bit. `Get the fuck out of here.`
Mary almost laughed, she didn`t think she`d ever heard Lily curse before. It was highly amusing since she mouthed the word as if it was a foreign language. It was almost worth getting called a slag for.
***
Friday January 10th 1975
The first Hogsmeade weekend of the new year was nearing; Lily had collected all her possible courage and boldness, and had decided she would finally ask Remus out on a date. She was determined to get over herself and just get it on with. Mary had been bolstering her all week long to do it, saying that it truly wasn`t that big of a deal; people did it all the time.
Now it was the end of their Potions lesson and Lily felt like she might start projectile vomiting at any given moment. She almost knocked their cauldron over with her arm. They were a bit behind in Potions since one of their projects had gone completely off the tracks as a result of the time prank in November; she was honestly still annoyed about that.
`Erm…Remus,` Lily started, her head feeling oddly light. `Do you…do you have any plans for this weekend?`
`Not really,` Remus started to clear the desk. `Think I might go down to Hogsmeade on my own. The others are all bound up.`
Good this was good; with the other marauders out of the way, her path was cleared. `Would you maybe like to go together?` Lily prompted, all rushed, feeling herself flustered.
`Yeah, sure.` Remus replied, not really looking at her, packing his back.
Lily`s stomach erupted into a pit of fluttering hyperactive butterflies. She couldn`t believe her luck. `Good. Good.` she smiled - beamed really.
They decided to meet the next morning in the common room and head down to Hogsmeade from there. Lily practically skipped back to her dorm, barely able to contain her blooming excitement. She couldn`t wait to tell Mary and Marlene. This sweet feeling of joy and youthful amorousness.
When she slammed the door behind her, she sank down against the wood, letting her legs splay out in front of her and she sighed; her head up on some cloud.
`What`s up with you?` Mary asked amused.
`I,` Lily sighed again. `I have got a date tomorrow.`
Mary screamed and jumped up from her bed, almost tripping over some discarded books.
`What`s with all the noise?` Marlene appeared from the bathroom.
`Lily`s got a date with Remus!` Mary yelped. `It is Remus, right?`
`Yes of course it`s Remus.` Lily beamed. `I have got a date with Remus.` she sighed satisfied and allowed herself to gloat for a second, or two.
`Merlin, Lily!` Marlene yelped. `Good for you, that`s so exciting! You`ve been waiting ages for this.`
Lily nodded; she had been waiting ages for this moment. They put on ABBA and sang along loudly to Honey, Honey.
Saturday January 11th 1974
The next morning, just as they had decided upon, Lily and Remus met in the common room. Mary had spent the entire morning working on Lily`s hair and outfit; Marlene watching on silently, grinning and shaking her head to herself.
Lily approached Remus nervously, already feeling her face get hot and her hands clammy; she wiped them on the bottom of her skirt, just in case he might want to hold one of them. Would he want to hold her hand? Remus wasn`t such a touchy person, he still flinched when someone hugged him.
`What happened to the M`s?` Remus asked confused as they headed towards the front entrance of the castle, glancing behind him.
`I though it could just be the two of us, this time.` Lily replied. She though she had been clear in stating that it would just be them two. However, now she was starting to doubt that.
`Fair enough.` he smiled at her and Lily`s stomach dropped.
`So what are they all in detention for?` Lily asked. She didn`t know where the marauders were exactly; she just assumed they were in detention. There was no other reason that they would miss out on a Hogsmeade weekend.
It had snowed again that week, so they had to trudge through a thick pillowy layer to get down towards the village. Lily felt chilly in her skirt and tights; wishing Mary had picked a warmer outfit for her to put on. A trail of dark robed students led them the way, pinpricks in the vast white. Lily couldn`t believe her luck that her first ever date was in the presence of snow.
`Various things,` Remus flung a hand up into the air. `Peter got caught out of bounds after dark. James got the blame for changing the words on the Slytherin trophies…and I think Sirius hexed a second year.`
Lily rolled her eyes and tutted. `Typical.` They were always getting caught for silly things like that.
`Yeah,` Remus smirked. `The trophy thing was brilliant though, you have to admit. The charm lasted seven days.`
Lily frowned, it had been impressive, but that was hardly the point. `It wasn`t a very nice thing to do though.`
Lily fidgeted with the strap of her satchel, feeling nervous and not quite knowing what to say. Once they were in the village, they first made a pitstop at the stationers. Both of them needed new quills, and Lily was secretly relieved to be in a familiar environment.
`I`ll pick up some quills for Pete and Sirius too,` Remus said as they perused the shelves. `Pete pushes down so hard on the tips that he broke two quills in the span of a week.`
`That`s nice.` Lily smiled. `I`m sure they`ll appreciate that.`
`They better,` Remus replied grinning. `Sirius is such a snob about his handwriting. I`m not kidding, he`s really vain about it, only uses one kind of quill – the most expensive one.`
`Oh, wow.` Lily nodded. She whished that Remus would stop talking about his friends and tell him something about himself. `He does have nice handwriting.`
`Yeah, right?` Remus grinned.
After they`d acquired their quills, Lily really wanted to go sit somewhere, have a nice chat and drink something warm. However, she was afraid to be too forward, hence followed Remus into the post office, where he needed to drop a package off on James` behalf. It was a present for Mrs Potter`s birthday; apparently James never missed an opportunity to give someone a present. Lily thought this was actually surprisingly thoughtful of James.
When Lily was already shivering violently, they finally decided to head to the Tree Broomsticks. Lily knew that Madam Puddifoot`s Tea Shop was the usual spot for people to go to when they were on a date, but she supposed it wasn`t really Remus` cup of tea – so to speak. The pub would do fine.
Next to the blazing fireplace stood a small table at which they happily took place. Lily rubbed her hands together to get the blood flowing again. Secretly, she hoped that Remus would offer to warm her hands; they were on a date after all - it would be romantic. Up until this point, it hadn`t been all that romantic - aside from the snow.
They chatted a bit about their lessons before steering onto the topic of their Christmases. Lily told Remus about her big fight with Petunia; leaving out all the horrid and nasty details, not wanting to dampen the mood. It was weighing down heavy on her, the way she and Petunia had left it. In turn, Remus told her a little bit about his holidays; he`d spend them at the Potter`s again; and he told her that he, Sirius and James had gone to see Death Wish at the pictures - multiple times.
`Do you go to the Potter`s every year, then?` Lily asked, sipping at her drink.
`Yep.` Remus nodded, energetically. `They are amazing. Me and Sirius always go. And Pete`s only up the road from James, so that`s cool.` he grinned and cupped his hands around his butterbeer.
`Are you four always together?` Lily asked entertained, only half teasing.
Remus knitted his brows together. `They`re my friends. My best mates.`
`I know that.` she replied dryly, not knowing why Remus was seemingly put out by this question. `But you`ve been talking about them all afternoon.` Lily was feeling rather annoyed that the date was almost over and she barely knew anything more about Remus than before.
`Have not.` Remus replied defensively and looked down at his drink. `….So what if I have?`
`Well I sort of wanted to get to know you a bit better, not your friends.` Lily said, feeling herself get red in the face.
`You know me though. You`ve known me for four years!` Remus` eyes widened.
Staring at Remus, seeing the absolute and earnest confusion and annoyance in his face, Lily realised that Remus probably had no idea this was a date. Her stomach dropped; this had never been a date at all. That explained the confusion at the absence of Mary and Marlene; or why`d he been rambling on about his friends. In his head, she was just another friend; he didn`t see her like that.
She raked a hand though her hair, feeling silly for having done something special to it now, and let out a mirthless laugh.
`Oh, Remus.`
`What?`
Lily bit the inside of her cheeks and shook her head. `I`m such an idiot. You really have no idea why I wanted to spend the weekend with you do you?`
Remus shrugged, still looking confused, his lovely dark eyes so earnest that they made Lily`s heart ache even more.
`Never mind.` she said and smiled glumly. `Don`t worry about it.`
Fortunately, the rest of the afternoon was pleasant enough. She tried to relax a little bit and they laughed and talked amicably. Lily let herself whinge about Severus and what he`d said to Mary on the train; Remus being equally as affronted by it, which was a relieve. He paid for her butterbeer, which Lily felt embarrassed about, since it hadn`t been a date after all, and she knew Remus couldn`t have that much money to spare.
Back at the castle, she avoided Mary and Marlene and went straight to bed, not wanting to talk about the disappointing afternoon she`d had. She felt like the biggest fool in the world. How could she have ever been this foolish? She truly had gotten her hopes up that Remus fancied her back. But it was now clear, more than ever, that he just saw her as a friend. This only confirmed her suspicion that boys would probably never look at her in that way, as someone they could fancy. James fancied her, but Lily still thought this was just some other way of making fun off her. The jock fancying the fat nerdy girl, what a big laugh that was. Remus was right not to fancy her.
***
Sunday January 12th 1975
As usual, Marlene woke up before her alarm, turned it off so she wouldn`t rouse her dormmates, and headed down to breakfast in her quidditch kit. It was still dark outside; the hallways were deserted and cold; snow pressing up high against the windows. Quidditch practice would be quite a bit of a challenge in these conditions.
As she entered the Great Hall, she spotted all four marauders sitting at the Gryffindor table. Sirius and James both in their red flying robes; Peter chatting animatedly, gesturing with his hands, no doubt miming some sort of quidditch tactic; Remus bent deeply over a textbook, one hand propping his head up. The day before, Lily had had her date with Remus. However, she hadn`t wanted to let anything go about it yet. In fact, she had been extremely secretive about it.
Carefully Marlene sat down next to the boys and reached over the table, grabbing the teapot and pouring herself a cup.
`So,` she posed Remus, grinning. `How did it go yesterday?` She was burning with curiosity and if Lily wasn`t going to tell them anything, she`d just ask Remus. Marlene wasn`t usually one to show interest in the seeming need to couple up, but Remus and Lily would certainly be a right fit.
`Hm?` Remus looked up, confused. `Yesterday?`
`You and Lily, in Hogsmeade?` she alluded, smiling. `She won`t tell us what happened, so it must be good.`
`What are you talking about?!` Remus was starting to look more befuddled by the second.
`Yeah,` Sirius piped in. `What are you talking about, McKinnon?`
`Didn`t he tell you?` Marlene stirred some sugar into her tea, innocuously. `Remus and Lily went on a date yesterday?`
`What?!` All boys yelped at the same time, almost comically in sync. Sirius began to cackle.
`Moony on a date?`
James` mouth dropped open and he stared at Remus with a staggered expression on his face. `With Evans?!`
`Bloody hell!` Peter just said, a clump of porridge falling with a dull thud on the table.
Remus smacked his quill down on the table, clearly aggravated. `It wasn`t a date!` he spat defensively.
He looked at James and Marlene followed his glance; James` face had fallen and he was looking betrayed. `But I don`t fancy Lily, she`d just a friend!` Remus said.
`Yeah…I know, mate.` James said softly, his voice wavering. `It`s fine. I`ll…see you after practice.`
The bespectacled boy shot one last glance at Remus, got up, and left the table. Sirius quickly scampered after his friend, shooting them an apologetic look.
Marlene felt extremely ridiculous for having brought this distress on. Well, she hadn`t exactly brought it on, she`d just asked an innocent question really. Why did everything that she did regarding relationships and dating always have to end in utter disaster.
`Wow, sorry, Remus.` she muttered, staring at her tea. `I had no idea. Um…James really fancies her, then?`
Groaning and not replying, Remus got up, seized his books of the table, and made the inclination to leave.
`I`m off to the library.` he grumbled.
Now it was just her and Peter left; the blond boy shrugged at her. Marlene put her head down in her hands, rubbing her temples, feeling awful. For herself, but mostly for Lily. Her friend must be feeling horrible, no wonder she hadn`t wanted to talk to them. Marlene even considered bunking off practice and going to comfort Lily.
`It`s not your fault.` Peter said, cleaning the porridge off the table.
Marlene shrugged unenthusiastically. `I just though Remus knew it was a date. And I had no idea James would get this upset.`
`Yeah, he`s really smitten.` Peter nodded, he seemed to have gotten a lot more comfortable around discussing these sort of things since getting together with Desdemona Lewis.
`We thought he was just joking around.` Marlene said. `He acts so ridiculous around her.`
In the end, Marlene did go to quidditch practice, though, she did regret it later, since James seemed to be somewhere else entirely, and their captain kept yelling and getting annoyed. Lily would probably still be in bed either way. If anything might ail her, Mary would surely be there, who was a lot more well-versed when it came to dating. However, Marlene probably had a lot more to say on the topic of heartbreak. A lot more.
When Marlene came back up to their dorm, Lily was still in her pyjama`s, sitting in the window sill, staring out over the Hogwarts grounds. Joni Mitchel`s Blue was spinning out on the record player. From the noise of running water it was obvious that Mary was in the shower.
`Lily?` Marlene said cautiously, approaching her.
`Oh, hi, you`re back.` Lily said, quickly wiping her red rimmed eyes.
`You alright?` Marlene asked, sitting down, not talking her dirty flying kit off yet.
Lily shrugged her shoulders noncommitting. `I guess you heard.`
`Aye,` Marlene nodded, staring at her hands. `Ran into him at breakfast. Might have accidently told all four of them you thought it was a date.`
`Oh great.` Lily laughed humourlessly. `How…erm, what did Remus say?`
Marlene started to open her mouth, but Lily cut her off.
`You know what; I don`t want to know.`
`I understand.`
Lily groaned. `I just feel so silly, you know? I really though Remus fancied me; I was convinced. He`s always so nice to me and we get along great. I don`t understand why he doesn`t…` she trailed off, staring at the window again. `I reckon I`m just not the fancying type.`
`Don`t be daft.` Marlene replied. `You are most certainly the fancying type. You`re clever and funny and bonny. Lupin is as feckin` bastard if he doesn’t see that.`
Lily laughed, sniffing her nose and wiping a tear from her cheek. `Remus is not a bastard. He`s done nothing wrong.`
`Lil, sometime you are a wee bit too nice. Give yourself some permission to be mad at him. Stuffing it all down won`t work.`
`I just…` Lily began, her eyes starting to well with tears again. `I just feel so incredibly sad. There`s this ache in my chest, or hollow…` she faltered and shook her head. `I don`t know. Maybe I just had this image of us ending up together, and now that just feels…ugh, I don`t know. I know we`re all just teenagers really and we are just giggling over all his dating stuff, but what I feel for Remus... I don`t know, it feels more than just fancying. I`m just not sure how to move on from this. What if this completely changes our friendship?`
Marlene picked at her thumbnail. `You know.` she began. `Sometimes the people we like, don`t like us back. And that is hard, that is so hard. And it hurts, and it stings, and it makes you want to rip your heart out of your chest and fling it at a wall. But, it will pass and life will move on and you`ll find someone else. We`re young, we`re not supposed to stress about coupling up and dating.`
`And what if it doesn`t pass?`
Marlene swallowed hard, feeling that familiar wound in her chest cavity open up again. `Then…you`ll just learn to live with it, eventually.`
`When did you get so wise in the ways of love, Marls?` Lily asked, cocking her head to the side.
In that moment, Marlene was almost willing to tell Lily everything. To strip off her skin and show her all that was inside. To tell her about Camille and that summer; her heartache; and how she`d been falling in love with Mary ever since third year; and how it wrecked her every single day.
She opened and closed her mouth, her throat closing up and her eyes welling with tears. However, just in that moment the shower turned off and Mary entered, draped in her bathrobe.
`Och, you know,` Marlene quickly deflected the conversation, swallowing her tears. `By th` wey, I don`t think that Potter fancying you is a joke anymore.`
`Yeah, right.` Lily snorted dryly.
`I`m not kidding.` Marlene shook her head earnestly. `He was really put out when he found out about the date. Fecked up the whole quidditch practice, the bastard.`
`Told you so, love.` Mary said, drying off her legs next to them. `I`m always right when it comes to those things.`
Almost always; Marlene thought.
///