Cassie’s Kidnappings
A Bunch of Dumbass Vigilantes (and Claire, Karen, and Foggy)
Cassio
hey
got kidnapped
escaped tho lol
heading to claire's now.
need patching up.
brb.
Nellie
CASSIE WHAT??
Spiderkid
YOU CANT JUST DROP THAT AND SAY BRB
Birdboy
Who took you.
Fireboy
Whoever it was
they're about to have the worst day of their lives.
Leedle
Cassie, please tell me you're joking.
PLEASE
Hobgobbie
She's definitely not joking.
Cassie doesn't joke about getting kidnapped.
Cassio
i'm fine
stabbed a few guys
broke a window
and took their car
driving to claire's rn
Claire-bear
You're driving?
Cassie, you're bleeding all over my couch again, aren't you?
Lukey
Again??
Kare
Why do these things always happen when Moon Knight's out of town?
Froggy
It's like she knows they can't stop her and takes advantage of it.
Cassio
they would've been proud tbh
Birdboy
Where exactly are you, Cassie? I'll come meet you.
Cassio
no ur scary when ur mad
almost at claire's chill out
Nellie
NO ONE IS CHILLING OUT.
Spiderkid
Cassie.
you need to stop texting while driving on top of everything else!
Fireboy
Don't crash the car!
Cassio
u guys worry too much
i'm a great driver
barely ran a red light
Nellie
Barely??
Kare
I am officially losing my mind.
Moonboys
You're already giving us gray hairs, niña. -Jake
Birdboy
I swear, I will personally hunt down everyone involved.
Cassio
dw i got it handled
stabbed the leader twice.
he's probs not gonna make it.
Claire-bear
I should've moved.
I really should've moved.
Lukey
It's a little late for that.
Kare
Cassie, when you get here, promise me you'll actually let Claire take care of you before collapsing.
Froggy
Yeah, and maybe don't bleed all over her stuff this time.
Cassio
no promises
but i brought snacks.
brb
Nellie
SNACKS?
WHAT
Birdboy
She's so lucky I love her.
Spiderkid
Are we just...
accepting this?
Like, this is fine now??
Fireboy
I'm not fine.
I'm still ready to burn something.
Moonboys
Claire, text us the second she gets there.
We need to know she's okay. -Marc
Claire-bear
Will do.
But you all owe me a new couch if she bleeds on it.
Lukey
And some earplugs for the chaos you're about to unleash.
Nellie
We're all coming.
Claire, prepare for yelling.
Birdboy
And revenge.
Claire-boy
Please don't plan murders in my living room.
Again.
Moonknight
No promises. -Jake
A Bunch of Dumbass Vigilantes (and Claire, Karen, and Foggy)
Claire-bear
She's here.
Bloody, bruised, and carrying a bag of snacks like nothing happened.
Princess Castle
Snacks?
Claire-bear
Yeah.
She brought a bag of chips and soda.
She's literally eating Doritos while I clean her up.
Kare
That sounds...
very Cassie.
Froggy
At least she's not unconscious this time?
Claire-bear
That's my bar now?
'At least she's not unconscious'?!
Nellie
We're five minutes away.
Cassie better be ready to explain herself.
Birdboy
I'm already here.
Claire-bear
Damian, I swear, if you barge in here and start interrogating her, I will throw you out.
Birdboy
She was kidnapped.
You can't expect me to sit quietly.
Claire-bear
I absolutely can.
She's fine, she's eating chips, and she's smirking at you the door.
Cassio
hey guys
claire's mad i got blood on the floor
but the doritos are good.
10/10 would escape again
Fireboy
WOULD ESCAPE AGAIN???
CASSIE, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??
Spiderkid
We're all going to have a collective heart attack one day because of her.
Hobgobbie
If she doesn't kill us with stress first.
Leedle
Didn't she say the guys hit her with a van?
How is she eating chips right now??
Cassio
chill i'm fine
they were amateurs
didn't even tie the knots right
Claire-bear
She said all this with a straight face, by the way.
Lukey
That tracks.
Nellie
SHE WAS STILL KIDNAPPED.
Birdboy
And hit with a van.
Let's not forget that part.
Cassio
seriously guys it's not a big deal
i've been hit with worse
Kare
WORSE??
Froggy
I don't even want to know.
Claire-bear
Same.
And stop eating chips, Cassie.
Cassio
can't help it.
stress eating.
Nellie
We're here.
Let us in before I lose my mind.
Claire-bear
Door's open.
But if you yell, I'm kicking you out.
Fireboy
No promises.
Lukey
I'm gonna need another coffee for this.
Froggy
Make it two.
A Bunch of Dumbass Vigilantes (and Claire, Karen, and Foggy)
Cassio
hey got kidnapped again
don't freak out.
handled it.
on my way to claire's.
again.
Nellie
CASSIE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL??
Spiderkid
AGAIN?!
How does this keep happening??
Birdboy
Where are you?!
Cassio
in an uber
chill it's fine.
stabbed a few guys again.
Fireboy
WHY ARE YOU TAKING AN UBER AFTER GETTING KIDNAPPED??
Leedle
I feel like we're missing some crucial steps here.
Hobgobbie
She's too calm about this.
Again.
Cassio
guy needed the car back.
figured i'd just call a ride
very polite driver.
5 stars.
Moonboys
are you hurt? -Steven
How do you even keep getting kidnapped?? -Marc
Cassio
small scratch.
Claire will yell at me anyway
and idk Marc.
guess i'm popular
Claire-bear
I swear to god, if you show up bleeding all over my floor again, I'm going to lock you in a hospital room.
Kare
Is it bad this feels like deja vu?
Froggy
This kid's gonna make us all prematurely gray.
Birdboy
Where exactly are you now?
Cassio
5 mins from claire's.
chill.
i got this.
besides
i took a guy's wallet.
got cash now.
Nellie
You ROBBED him??
Cassio
they kidnapped me.
i feel like that's fair.
Lukey
I need another drink.
This kid is a menace.
Claire-bear
You're not the one who has to stitch her up.
Again.
Cassio
it's not that bad this time claire.
promise.
and i brought snacks again.
Spiderkid
Oh great.
Snacks make it all okay.
Fireboy
What's the snack-to-kidnapping ratio now?
Like 3 to 1?
Cassio
4 to 1 actually.
but this time i got donuts
ur welcome
Birdboy
I'm coming to Claire's.
I don't care if she throws me out.
Claire-bear
Damian, I WILL throw you out.
Let her breathe for five minutes.
Cassio
don't worry habibi.
it's fine
see u soon i guess
Nellie
We're all coming.
AGAIN.
Hobgobbie
This is the third time this month Cassie.
Cassio
just another tuesday
Moonboys
I am begging you to stop saying that. -Steven
later
Claire-bear
She's here.
Bloody again.
Eating donuts this time.
At least the couch is safe.
Lukey
This time.
Moonboys
We're flying back early. I can't take this anymore. -Marc
Kare
Someone start a therapy fund for Claire.
Froggy
And a new couch fund, just in case.
Claire-bear
You all owe me.
AGAIN.
Moonboys
She's lucky we love her. -Jake