Chapter 9
Names in the second groupchat:
Cassiopeia "Cassie" Prince: Cassio
Penelope "Penny" Parker: Nellie
Peter Parker: Spideykid
Ned Leeds: Leedle
Damian Wayne: Birdboy
Harry Osborn: Hobgobbie
Johnny Storm: Fireboy
Roy Harper: Arse
Jason Todd: Jaybird
Jessica Jones: Jessie
Matt Murdock: Redtthew
Frank Castle: Princess Castle
Kate Bishop: Katiehawk
Claire Temple: Claire-bear
Clint Barton: Hawkass
Luke Cage: Lukey
Foggy Nelson: Froggy
Karen Page: Kare
Danny Rand: Randal
David Lieberman: Microwave
Chaos Incorporated
Pen
So, we had another one of those moments.
Cass
We might've taken it a bit too far.
Petey-pie
You think?
I can't feel my left ear.
Nedward
I think they regret taking us in.
Honestly.
MJ
Not even joking at this point.
Dami
They should regret it.
Hazza
Oh we definitely made them rethink their life choices today.
Johnny-boi
I think we broke Roy.
He looked like he was going to cry after I nearly set the kitchen on fire...
again.
Jaybird
Again?!
How do you keep setting things on fire in the kitchen Johnny
Johnny-boi
It was an accident this time.
Roy-boy
I am having an existential crisis right now.
Jaybird
You should.
We need a serious talk about fire safety.
Pen
I feel like we traumatized them for life today.
Cass
I think I killed Roy's will to live.
I accidentally broke his favorite mug.
Jaybird
I don't think it was an accident.
Cass
It was, I swear!
Dami
It wasn't an accident.
I saw the way you handled that mug.
Roy-boy
I swear I'll never trust any of you with my stuff again.
Jaybird
We've been saying that for years, Roy.
Petey-pie
Honestly, I think it's hilarious.
MJ
That's because you weren't there when Cassie tried to fix the hole she made in the wall with a spoon.
Cass
I thought it would work!
It was kinda effective.
Johnny-boi
Yeah, but everything else melted.
Nedward
So...
when are they going to come to the realization that they should never have taken us in?
Petey-pie
Honestly, I don't think they've realized yet.
But when they do
it's going to be glorious.
Dami
They probably think it's just a phase.
They won't learn until it's too late.
Jaybird
I regret nothing.
Roy-boy
That's because you're not the one who has to clean up after this disaster.
Jaybird
Fair point.
Cass
It wasn't that bad.
was it?
MJ
Cassie.
you put a hole in the wall with a spoon.
Johnny-boi
And then I lit the curtains on fire.
Petey-pie
And then Nellie tried to stop me with webbing...
which was a disaster.
Pen
Don't remind me.
Dami
Honestly, it's impressive how much chaos can come from a single afternoon in this household.
Johnny-boi
I think they've realized the mistake by now.
Roy-boy
I've already called in the cleanup crew.
Dami
I'm not even sure cleanup will fix this.
Cass
If I'm being honest.
I think they're too afraid to confront us directly.
Pen
I mean
I would be too
if I were them.
Johnny-boi
They can't even stop me when I'm on a roll.
Jaybird
Wait
you're not going to set anything else on fire
right?
Johnny-boi
I'm staying away from the stove for the rest of the night.
Roy-boy
That's the best news I've heard all day.
Petey-pie
You know
I think Jason and Roy should just start accepting our chaos as a permanent thing.
Dami
They started it.
Jaybird
We should've never let you guys near anything fragile.
Cass
Okay, okay, but who knew throwing a mug could have that much of an effect?
Roy-boy
That's it.
I'm soundproofing our room.
Jaybird
Yeah
it's definitely the only way to survive.
Dami
I'm not sure that will work.
Jaybird
I'm out of ideas, okay?
Roy-boy
We're just going to need a lot of coffee...
and patience.
Petey-pie
If you can survive us
you can survive anything.
MJ
They'll never see the full extent of our chaos coming.
Johnny-boi
Oh, they'll learn.
Cass
Eventually.
A Bunch of Cool Vigilantes (and Claire, Karen, and Foggy.)
Jaybird
Okay, who named this group?
MJ
Me.
You're welcome.
Birdboy
It's inaccurate.
Cassio
Why?
You don't think you're cool R?
Birdboy
I know I am, beloved.
Some of the others here are...
questionable.
Jessie
Was that aimed at me or Moon knight?
Moonboys
If it's us, Steven will cry. -Marc
Hobgobbie
Please don't make Steven cry.
Redtthew
Should we be concerned that we have Frank and Robin in the same chat?
Princess Castle
I'm not the one with anger issues.
Arse
Robin
he's calling you out
Birdboy
Frank respects me.
Right, Castle?
Princess Castle
Kid's efficient.
Claire-bear
So...
that's a no.
Katiehawk
Can we talk about how this is basically a who's who of bad decision-makers?
Hawkass
Hey, I take offense to that!
Spiderkid
I'm just here to keep everyone grounded.
Fireboy
You?
The guy who fell into a fountain chasing Black Cat?
Spiderkid
...
Uncalled for.
Froggy
Is this what you all do when you're not fighting crime?
Jessie
Basically, yeah.
Kare
So...
no one's gonna talk about how Robin called Cassie "Beloved" earlier?
Cassio
It's normal.
Jaybird
For him, sure.
For the rest of us, it's vomit-inducing.
Randal
Let the kid be romantic.
MJ
Big words coming from someone who calls Colleen "Sunshine."
Leedle
I'm just here to make sure none of you kill each other
Jessie
Good luck with that.
Kare
How did you all even meet?
Redtthew
Poor life choices.
Cassio
Team-ups gone horribly right.
Jaybird
Blame Clint.
Hawkass
Rude.
Katiehawk
Accurate.
Moonboys
Are we actually planning anything
or is this just chaos? -Marc
Lukey
Did you really expect anything else?
Arse
At least it's fun chaos.
Fireboy
We're the cool chaos squad.
Birdboy
No, we're not.
MJ
You literally wear a cape Robin.
Birdboy
I wear it well.
Jessie
God.
I need a drink.
Claire-bear
Don't we all?
Leedle
Anyone else feel like we need a handler for the handlers?
Froggy
Yeah.
I'm voting for Claire on that one.
Kare
Seconded.
Claire-bear
Oh no.
Absolutely not.
Arse
Too late.
You're in charge now.
Claire-bear
I hate all of you.
Nellie
You love us.
Claire-bear
...
Debatable.
A Bunch of Cool Vigilantes (and Claire, Karen, and Foggy)
Microwave
Hey, can someone explain to me why I'm getting added to a group where all you do is get hurt and blow stuff up?
Claire-bear
David.
you're here because we need a tech guy that doesn't give me a heart attack.
Microwave
I've got a lot of heart attacks left in me, but I guess I'm in.
Just...
no one gets stabbed near me, okay?
Jaybird
Yeah.
no promises Lieberman.
Birdboy
We don't get stabbed.
We do the stabbing.
Microwave
You're gonna give me a stress ulcer.
Cassio
Well technically
you could've stopped us from making the chat worse by not joining.
You've chosen this chaos.
Microwave
Yeah, I know.
But it's hard to say no when someone threatens to hack my router.
Arse
It's a gift.
You should feel honored.
Spiderkid
Welcome to the madness, David.
Don't worry, we mostly only break our bones...
mostly.
Microwave
Great, that's what I needed to hear.
Lukey
To be fair, you're gonna love it.
Or you're gonna start bringing bandages and maybe a first aid kit.
Microwave
That's what I'm hoping for.
Also, why are half of you all just throwing yourselves into danger?
Cassio
It's a lifestyle choice David.
Gotta keep things interesting.
Microwave
At least I got the new laptop.
Jaybird
This group is better than therapy, right?
Can't even get a decent couch here.
Claire-bear
Better than therapy?
At least in therapy they don't tell you to shoot people.
Microwave
I'm starting to think maybe I should go back to hacking and forget this whole situation.
Cassio
Can't go back, Lieberman.
Once you're in, you're in.
And we all make questionable choices together.
A Bunch of Dumbass Vigilantes (and Claire, Foggy, Karen, and David)
Claire-bear
There.
Fixed it.
Kare
I approve.
Froggy
Finally, some truth in advertising.
Microwave
Why am I still here?
Jaybird
Because deep down, you love us.
Microwave
No
I think I just don't know how to say no.
Cassio
You say no, we keep dragging you back anyway.
Might as well embrace it.
Spiderkid
This name feels...
hurtful.
Claire-bear
It's not meant to feel hurtful, Peter.
It's meant to be accurate.
Fireboy
Wait, am I one of the dumbasses?
Birdboy
Yes.
Fireboy
Rude.
Lukey
He's not wrong.
Froggy
Let's face it.
if there's a chance to jump headfirst into chaos, all of you take it.
MJ
It's called being proactive.
Microwave
It's called reckless.
Nellie
Potato, po-tah-to.
Kare
You know what?
At least you all have Claire.
Claire-bear
And the first aid kit.
Jaybird
Don't forget the alcohol.
That helps too.
Princess Castle
Pretty sure that's for Claire, not us.
Cassio
I feel like the name should have "and enablers" added to the end.
Claire-bear
No.
You're all the dumbasses.
We're the ones keeping you alive.
Birdboy
That's debatable.
Microwave
Is it, though?
Claire-bear
If any of you get injured tonight, I'm locking this chat.
Jaybird
Damn.
We've been warned.
Cassio
Challenge accepted.
Claire-bear
Cassie.
Kare
She's kidding. Right?
Cassio
...
Totally.
Fireboy
This is why I'm not the worst.
Birdboy
You're just the loudest.
A Bunch of Dumbass Vigilantes (and Claire, Foggy, Karen, and David)
Jaybird
I'd like to formally announce that I am giving Robin back to Batman.
Arse
Same.
Redtthew
Are you serious?
He's your kid now.
No returns, no refunds.
Jaybird
Did you not see the footage from today?
He dropkicked a guy for "breathing too loud."
Arse
In a library.
Randal
Oh, that's cute.
Harry told someone at a board meeting today, and I quote, "I can ruin your life faster than you can file a complaint."
Princess Castle
Cassie made someone cry.
Again.
Birdboy
To be fair.
he deserved it.
Claire-bear
Yeah,
but it's the third one this week.
Jessie
Penny made me regret taking her in before 9 AM.
Redtthew
What'd she do this time?
Jessie
Oh, just blew up a warehouse.
Redtthew
...
Jessie
And then Peter tried to lecture her like he wasn't on comms telling her where to set the charges.
Spiderkid
IT WAS A TEAM EFFORT.
Redtthew
You're both grounded.
Spiderkid
You can't ground me.
Jessie
I'm about to show you how wrong you are, Parker.
Arse
Damian says grounding is pointless.
Jaybird
Oh, he told me that too.
Arse
While he was sneaking out of the apartment.
Claire-bear
Maybe you should've thought of this before adopting them.
Jessie
Claire, I'm going to remind you that you also encouraged us to take them in.
Claire-bear
Yeah, well, hindsight is 20/20.
Froggy
I'm adopting none of you if that's what's happening here.
Leedle
That's not what you said last week Dad.
Froggy
Don't call me Dad in public Leeds.
Randal
I feel like I've made a mistake.
Harry is texting me every 15 minutes about "business strategy."
Hobgobbie
Someone has to keep you from losing all your money.
Randal
I don't care about your corporate nonsense!
Hobgobbie
You will when Rand Industries and Oscorp's stocks jump 7%.
Jaybird
Cassie is now refusing to speak to us because we wouldn't let her solo a Hydra compound.
Jessie
To be fair, she's probably capable of it.
Arse
Yeah, but she's 14.
Jessie
Why are all of our kids like this?
Redtthew
It's karma.
Arse
I'm not even this chaotic.
Jaybird
You literally taught Damian how to hotwire the Batmobile.
Arse
Oh, like you didn't encourage him to joyride in it.
Jaybird
That's different.
Moonboys
I hate all of you. -Marc
Spiderkid
Hate is a strong word.
Moonboys
I said what I said. -Marc
Nellie
Hey, what did I do?
Jessie
Do you really want us to answer that?
Nellie
I feel attacked.
Claire-bear
Good.
Kare
I'm not even your parent, and I'm tired.
Microwave
Same.
Cassio
You're all just mad we're better than you.
Birdboy
She's not wrong.
Hobgobbie
Agreed.
Nellie
Thanks for acknowledging our superiority.
Spiderkid
You're welcome.
Redtthew
Why do I even try?
Jessie
That's on you for having hope, Murdock.
Jaybird
Anyone want to trade kids?
Randal
Tempting.
Arse
Absolutely not.
Hawkass
Too late.
We're all stuck now.