Never Got Better ⚠️ Suicide
Kaori's POV
Please
Don't ask me
How I've been doing
'Cause I don't wanna lie to you
"Hey Kao how've you been?" I turned to look at Bokuto, who was sporting his same big warm smile as he usually did. "I'm doing great Bokuto." I smiled. A hollow smile. A mask almost.
I've felt like me
The last few weeks
"Alright class write down these notes." I looked up at the notes and I wrote them down. I'm actually focusing! I looked down by my feet and saw a bit of trash. I picked it up and went to throw it away. When I say back down I tried to continue writing down the notes but I couldn't concentrate. I tapped my foot trying to focus but the person next to me stepped on my foot. "Knock it off I'm trying to focus." Yeah so am I jackass. "Why the hell do you do that anyway? It's annoying as fuck." I opened my mouth to respond but my words got caught in my throat.
But if I start talking
I'll think about the shit I've been through
Then I'll be knee deep in those
Feelings I've been
Trying so hard to escape
But oh god, now it's too late
"Sir can I please use the restroom?" I asked. "Sure go ahead." The teacher told me. I got up and ran towards the bathroom. I ran into an empty stall and slammed the door shut. I pressed my back against the door and tried calming myself down.
Suddenly I'm right back in it
Shaking and scared to death
I felt my legs get shaky and I felt my eyes burning with tears. Damnit don't cry!
I feel it
Pounding up in my chest
One second
Step back, and I just can't
Hold it together
I slid my back down the door and hid my face in my hands. I just sat there a cried into my hands feeling my whole body shake. Damnit! Why can't I just focus like everyone else in my class?! Why is it so damn hard?!
I'm back re-living
Trying to catch my breath
I tried to calm myself down but everytime I did I just felt more tears in my eyes. God damnit!
I miss it
End up back in my head
Fucking pathetic. I couldn't focus in class and here I am crying about it! FUCKING PATHETIC!
My prison, hope I'm not on the edge
Like this forever
'Cause every time that I remember
It's like I never got better at all
I eventually heard the bell ring and I went back to class to get my stuff.
At square one and it takes months
Until I feel normal
"Kaori is that all you're going to eat?" My step dad asked. "Yeah this is all I'm hungry for." I answered. "You know if you don't eat more you won't grow big boobs like your mom." I looked down at my body as my step dad left the room.
•
"You know Kaori you could learn some things from your step sister about hair and skin care. I mean look at her. Gorgeous." My step dad told me. I looked over at my step sister and he was right. She was beautiful. Prettier than I'll ever be.
•
"Hey umm dad-"
"What? What do you want?!" I shrunk back at my step dad's yelling. "Umm can you help me with my homework?" I asked. "What you can't figure it out yourself? How slow are you?" I looked down at my feet before walking away. Am I really that slow?
•
I scrolled through my phone looking for videos from practice when I clicked on a photo I didn't need to see again.
And one day if I scroll back too far
It was a photo of me with horrible acne, greasy hair, and a horrible smile. God I look awful. I glance at myself in the mirror and sign. Still don't have perfect hair, still shit at make up, and I still cant wear anything without being called a pick me.
The photos put me in those
Feelings I've been trying so hard to escape
But oh god, now it's too late
You're a fucking failure. You're slow in class, you look like a homeless woman, and you're too goddamn thin. I his my head in my knees and started crying. "Why did Mom even keep me? Why did Fukurodani accept me?" I cried.
And suddenly I'm right back in it
Shaking and scared to death
I feel it
Pounding up in my chest
One second
Step back and I just can't
Hold it together
The memories of what my step dad said cycle through my head and I cried harder. He's right.
I'm back re-living
Trying to catch my breath
I miss it
End up back in my head
My prison, hope I'm not on the edge
Like this forever
No one will ever want you. No that's not true my friends still want me.
'Cause every time that I remember
It's like I never got better at all
"Hey guys I-"
"Hey hey hey guess who passed their trig test!" Bokuto yelled. "That's great Bokuto-san." Akaashi smiled. "Yeah and I-"
"Hey gimme my phone." Yukie told Komi. "Guys I-"
I paused. No matter how loud I tried to talk I kept getting ignored. Just. Leave. They won't care.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah
I got up and left the table. I went up to the roof with my lunch and sat on the edge.
Ten steps backwards without a warning
Push it down 'til I can't ignore it
Crying on the floor
I've been here before
I looked over the edge staring at what could be a vertical fall to my death. Jump. Damn intrusive thoughts. Jump. No one will miss you.
Suddenly I'm right back in it
Shaking and scared to death
I feel it
Pounding up in my chest
One second
Step back, and I just can't
Hold it together
Well I guess my step dad wouldn't miss me.
My class mates wouldn't miss me.
Would my friends miss me?
No they wouldn't.
I'm back re-living
Trying to catch my breath
I miss it
End up back in my head
My prison, hope I'm not on the edge
Like this forever
Maybe I should. I mean no matter how much I try to fix what's wrong with me I can't. What's the point of trying if there's no fixing it
Tryna keep on getting better
Moving forward even if I might fall
I stood up on the edge of the roof
But every time that I remember
It's like I never got better at all
Kaori Suzumeda
Cause of death: Suicide