5
The worst of my imaginable days came. Felt even worse the first time I was supposed to go to your school. Or my police record was almost added an attempted murder. That would have been tantamount to failure. The same failure of not having saved you.
How exactly did that happen?
I had it all figured out, exposing Miss Thornhil with your help.
Oh how I enjoyed stopping a serial killer couple with you, my dear. In the end, if all had been well, I would have confessed my love to you. That had been my plan, but what happened next I still can't understand.
She killed you. She poisoned you with a syringe. I didn't see it coming. Something I would only let my enemies slowly take advantage of. Not a quick death, no. The slow poisoning and the agony in the eyes can see how slowly the life light disappears.
But to have to see these very agonies in you, as you torture yourself sweetly, broke my heart and it is broken forever.
I alone couldn't save you my love.
I live every day with these images and with the guilt. If only it had been me.
I could have lived with it, your life would have gone on and you would never have known about my love.
Well, you don't now either, only with the difference that I still love you and will for eternity.
I have to reproach myself every day that I will never again be able to see you, my tender love, never again be able to hear your gentle, reproving voice.
But, I need this every day.
I feel like I'm losing my mind and it's tearing me apart inside.
To never again be able to trust anyone that I am willingly and intentionally misbehaving of sorts.
Larissa could take no more. She let her tears run free. What had she done? She should have known. She should have seen it in Wednesday's eyes when she died. The pain the girl felt. She had tried to find Wednesday shortly after, but ultimately decided against looking further.
And now here she sat, with Wednesdays half novel of open feelings and it tearing her apart. She cried bitterly, sobbing until she could barely see. How had she ever done this to her?
She didn't understand herself anymore. Maybe it was the red wine that gave more expression to her emotions and made them fall apart. She didn't know for sure. She only realized how her own heart was crying bitterly. She wanted Wednesday to know that she was alive, that she was drawn to her in just that way. But how was she going to do that?
An eternity had passed, during which Larissa simply wept. But she wanted to finish this story. She blew her nose, rubbed the tears from her face and continued reading.
I still remember my first encounter with you. It was so intense that I couldn't concentrate. I cursed this situation, because I had only lost the fencing, because my thoughts were already only with you.
I knew that you could fence too and the idea of seeing you with the saber made my stomach turn. I would have loved to see you my dear. That pride you always had and that arrogance you could display. It was a poem of perfection and I would have done anything to be able to challenge you.
I didn't know how to interpret your first advances and I still wonder if you knew then that I loved you?
I also wonder what would have happened if I had confessed my love to you at that time.
When you drove me to my first therapy session. What would have come out?
I don't know if you noticed, but...
but my first attempt at confessing my love to you was the panda I had you bring me.
You had your eyes on me in such a way that I could literally feel your gaze burning at the back of my neck.
Do you remember?
It was the first and only attempt to make you understand how I felt about you.
Larissa winced. She remembered it. Without thinking much about it, she went into the next room and came back with this panda, sat down on the couch and looked at him. She had kept him.
With recurring tears, she hugged him and heard the voice that said I love you, several times.
Pain contorted, she smiled sheepishly. She had thought that Wednesday had only taken it as a reason to run away. She hadn't counted on the fact that she had tried to show her feelings with it. Oh Larissa began to feel ashamed of herself. How could she have been so blind?
You hadn't replied to it and so I waited. But please believe me that it was really not easy. Feelings were and aren't my world. I never learned how to deal with feelings and now I was standing in your school and was really in love for the first time in my life. How was I supposed to know how to behave properly? It seemed right to wait until I was done with school to finally confess my love to you.
I wish I had done it sooner. Then at least you would have known that in your own loneliness, you were loved. I saw you, Larissa. I saw your loneliness, in which you lived day after day. Was my desire too much to want to take away your loneliness?
Larissa put her hand over her mouth, feeling her lips tremble and tears keep coming to the surface. Wednesday had been right. She had been lonely, and she still was. She was overcome with the feeling that Wednesday had been sincere all along. All that followed was the realization that she might have found happiness if she had only let herself. Wednesday wasn't superficial, but always eager to take it all in. She was therefore also quite sure that Wednesday really saw her.
Honestly, my dear. I could have strangled you myself back then. No one would ever have dared to take my cello. Everyone knew it would have cost them their fingers, only you didn't care.
You just took it and put me in this marching, would like to, band, so that I could share with them, with this public display of merriment. That was the first time I hated you and passionately wanted to torture you to death. But to be honest, it turned out to be a nice, exciting afternoon after all. Didn't it?
However, our different points of view also showed me that we would not find each other just like that. However, I wanted to leave no stone unturned to convince you that only the two of us are true love. Our times together, though always short, I loved them. Even though I didn't make life easy for you, I admit it, I was just trying to keep a certain distance, which was only getting harder and harder for me to maintain.
I never understood why you didn't want to believe me, but now I know and understand
that you acted and had to act in the spirit of the school.
I was right in guessing who the Hyde was, and yet there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing to do about losing you my love.
I ask forgiveness every day at your grave that I couldn't save you. This guilt eats away at me.
Larissa cried and found no end. Reading these lines broke her heart. This young woman took all the guilt upon herself and carried it until today. How could it be possible. How could Wednesday think that she was to blame for not being able to save her? She carried the burden of a situation that was beyond her control. And then it dawned on her. Wednesday didn't just have her as a teenage crush and wasn't just in love.
But had loved her unconditionally and wholeheartedly from the beginning. A person who had sworn never to fall in love lost that battle in her first moments and fell in love.
It was too much. Her heart ached more and more, her stomach tightened more and more, resisting the wine, while the tears ran down her face like little rivers.
She took another look at the little novel, pulling herself together desperately. There was only one page left and she wanted to finish it. She had spent almost the entire evening and half the night reading, so she didn't want to miss the last page. She tightened her body, pulled herself together and read the rest.