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And even today, after 8 years, 8 years after my failure, I don't have the strength to enter into a new relationship.
The loss hurts too much, the feeling of anger that I feel constantly, that you, my love, died because of my failure.
It is anything but easy.
Every time I close my eyes, I see your blue eyes before me. How they glow with anger and the pupils dilate because you are mad at me once again.
What really tears me up about this is that I have never and will never be lucky enough to see your eyes light up with joy at me or because of me and that hurts.
I never wanted anything but to make you happy. How happy we would be now if I had not failed then?!
How I would hate your breath on my neck every day and yet that is what I long for.
To be able to curse your tenderness towards me. However much I imagine I could hate it, the more I believe that just because it's you, I would love to feel your tenderness on my skin.
The feeling of perfect happiness when our tongues touch for the first time, to feel your passion. Oh yes, I would love to feel that sweet ache in my heart.
But what I feel is anger and despair and the fear that I can't take it much longer.
Every day now I stand or sit at your grave and talk to you about our future that will never happen like this.
My dreams to live together with you is so possible at least in my thoughts. We are happy there.
I had to write all this from my soul, it was important to me. Maybe I will publish these pages someday. I don't know yet. I don't know if I can bear to put all my emotions in public. I just wanted to put them down for the time being.
So I remain, in eternal love and sorrow
your Wednesday Addams!
Larissa had the feeling of suffocating. Why couldn't she breathe? Every attempt failed.
Panic mixed with pain. Tears were running. She clawed at her panda bear, holding it tightly and gasping for air.
What was wrong with her now? She tried to get up, desperately needing some water, but she didn't get that far. For just as she stood and was about to leave, she collapsed, decorating her wooden floor with the red wine she had drunk, which was now returning.
Completely exhausted, from all the crying and throwing up, she fell asleep on the hard floor and slept through until midday.
Soooo, now the journey start.