Part 23
Part 23
I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse.
I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.
I have been left overwhelmed with these heavy emotions which are almost too unbearable to carry .
I began to draw an invisible boundary between myself and other people, between myself and Jungkook.
No matter who I was dealing with. I maintained a set distance, carefully monitoring the person's attitude so that they wouldn't get any closer.
So that they wouldn't hurt me any longer.
And surprisingly I was like a half shadow walking around the palace, no one noticed me. Noone tried to invade me and ask me about myself, I felt at peace.
But I wanted someone to reach out to me and bother me with the questions.
I wanted HIM to reach out to me.
I must be sounding so stupid, wishing him to reach out when all running I'm doing is to keep him away.
I never in this week talked to him, but he did. Everyday, every single moment, every single night he did.
He came to me, he cried as he had his head on my lap and his arms around me, he cried for hours telling me how much he had went wrong with not talking to me before about his wife.
He cried, I let him cry.
But I had decided to not meddle with anything for a while and be calm with the entire situation.
Spending hours in my room made me realise so many things, about the life I was living, I thought a lot about how falling in love was too easier then walking up through it was.
We all do think of unloving a person at a point when they hurts us, or may be when we get hurt somehow, but everytime we try, we keep running back in circles with the fire.
It grows more and more.
You miss that person more and more.
Few days back, One night, when I was lying on the bed ,staring at the shining crescent moon, there was a light change of air in my room.
The door was shut with uttermost care , for not making a bang.
The soft steps had walked to the bed and the other half side of the cottony bed had dipped inside.
I knew who it was.
He smelled today of what he smelled all back in time.
He didn't smell like his wife today, I thought I could breathe a little now.
Jungkook coming to my room wasn't a big surprise to me, when I was ignoring him, he was doing all the things he could do, to make me talk to him.
So I was use to him being clingy on me these days.
He rested his hand around my waist, I was stiff like a dead.
I know how much of suffering I had gave my body to not melt down to his touch, because his touch somehow gave me peace, I felt peace ever time he was with me.
I knew he would again say sorry, or would again tell me how important I am to him.
But he didn't.
I felt his nose nuzzling my nape and his lips pressed on my skin.
His hand now held me firmly, he caressed my abdomen where he had his hand rested.
He rubbed his thumb over my skin softly, it calmed me down.
I was melted in his arms already.
Looks like I wasn't strong enough.
One moment I was staring at the lonely moon outside and then the other moment I was staring at the infinite dimmed stars in his eyes.
Have I ever mentioned, that he have got these beautiful dazzling eyes, reminds me of the stars.
He is star to my lonely moon.
I was so engrossed I never realised he had spooned me to his chest.
We stayed there sharing same bed for minutes before I summed up some courage to talk.
And we did the conversation we did daily.
Just asking about dinner, or what we did in a day, and how am I feeling here and if I was comfortable sort of things.
The room fell silent for the second time again.
"How did I fall so bad for you my Majesty?"
I had asked him in a very low voice, but it somehow echoed back to my ears.
I was bleeding through unspoken words, I knew I was broken then.
He now stared at the moon outside.
"Do you still love me? Even after I betrayed you? "
His eyes never met mine.
"You never betrayed me Majesty, I betrayed myself thinking you loved me back"
He just hummed
The more I stare at him, the more I realise that I was indeed still in love with him.
"You didn't answered me though"
My lips parted a little, but the only thing that escaped through it was cold air, how do I tell him that , You dont just fall in love with someone.. It's not like that. You fall in love with every little thing that they do and every little thing about them.
Like the way the person laughs with that most heartwarming smile.
The way he looks at you in the middle of conversation.
Or The way he kisses you in the morning before he starts his day.
The way he come back to kiss you again and tuck you back in.
Or
The way he grabs you close at night even when he's dead asleep. The way he snores.
The way he takes care of you.
The way everytime he goes on wars, he ends up in you arms every night.
The way he looks when he sleeps.
The way he laughs.
The way he smells.
The way he holds you.
And
The way he gives
another reason to love him every single day.
You don't just fall in love with somebody. You fall in love with how they love you back.
How do I tell him I fell so hard for him, for the way he loved me, without knowing he was even doing it in first place.
The tear slips through my eyes, my vision becomes blurry.
"I just did."
" And majesty, just know that I would continue to love like this no matter what. "
"I-I can't undo it now"
" I fell harder" My lips wobble.
"So harder, that I broke into pieces, only for you to heal me like this every night"
It was true.
As much as hurt I was.
Every night when he would hug me like this I healed a little everyday.
The little parts were I felt he left me, they healed with his presence.
He then had kissed my cheek where the tear was fresh.
He said nothing, just stared at me.
And smiled.
It was not a happy smile.
But it was not a sad either.
It was a grieving one.
Heartwrenching one.
Moon shined on his golden skin and for the fist time he looked at me.
It was totally dark in the room, the only light that let us keep away from the dark was the light shimmering of moon and the stars outside.
He moved a little closer, I saw his face morphed of something I can not understand.
He stared down at my lips and I know what would come next.
He moved more, he was so close, I could feel his breathe on me.
My god, I can't tell how much I wanted it, how much my heart was thumping inside me.
How much I wanted him, how much I wanted to press his lips on mine and how much I wanted to taste his sweet self on my skin.
But he was not mine to do it.
He was nothing to me at that moment to share such a intimacy.
My hand fly over to his chest, pushing him away a bit.
"No"
"Not this part Majesty. "
"I will do rest of the part with you whenever you want me too, but I won't kiss you"
"It's for the queen to cherish and I won't take that from her"
He inhaled sharply.
As if I made him remember of something he had long forgotten.
"I would never ask you to sleep with me tae. Not when I know what you feel for me. Not when I know what hurt it will bring to you" I Gulped
"And I was not going to kiss you"
I stare back.
He was.
He was going to.
"Then? Don't lie Majesty. I know you very well ,to know when you are liying and when you are not. "
I almost sound like a offended baby.
But the fact that he was going to kiss me and he denied it when I pointed it, hurt my ego.
"You know me so well? To know when I am lying? "
I nod
He laughed timidly.
Then again his face was all stoic and void of anything.
He cupped my face bringing it dangerously close to his face.
His nose touched mine.
His eyes fixed on my gaze and I start to feel a bit dizzy.
I get this feeling , that I can't get close enough to him.
Even .....
Even though that's when I am closest to him.
His face suddenly grew so sad and soft, his demonic, manly features disappeared letting his doe eyes fill with tears and lips wobble.
A small sob resonates the quite still room.
And it's not mine.
It's his.
It's not my first time watching him cry, but something about him now is heartbreaking.
"I never loved you Taehyung"
Oh-
Right-
"I never in once thought of loving you and cherishing you all my life"
My heart sinked down when I heard it again.
He sobbed again.
I close my eyes letting tears fall on the pillow.
I let the bed consume me deeper.
I do not feel any touch on my body, I do not feel any presence anywhere near me.
That's when I opened my eyes.
He was standing near the door.
Red eyes, puffed cheeks, messed up bed hair.
"I hope you know me well now "
And just like that he dashed outside.
I spent the entire night alone once again, I cried, I laughed and I did what not to calm myself down.
It hurt another bit of storm again .
The pillow muffled my cries... Before I slept thinking of him.
Next morning, I'm back to my daily routine of blocking myself from everything and letting the cold wind wrap me up vividly.
I sit at the piano, that was set just beside the big window.
I press the chords harder.
Letting the low dark tunes surround me up.
I work on the chords like am dreading for something.
His words echo in me like they were engraved there last night.
I never loved you Taehyung
Chords get heavier and heavier everytime I repeat the words he said.
I never in once thought of loving you and cherishing you all my life.
I press the keys more .
I hope you know me well now
Things inside me swirl with the same intensity I press keys to let the harmony become heavy.
I stood up.
I feel so not like me.
I repeat the words again and again and again.
The try to find meanings for what he said...
May be it have none....
I'm just being maniac.
I never in once thought of loving you and cherishing you all my life
I hope you know me well now
My arms move too forcefully on the keys, I let small whimpers escape my lips.
Then? Don't lie Majesty. I know you very well to know when you are liying .
I hope you know me well now
His words work on me like the magic he did.
You know me so well? To know when I am lying?
I hope you know me well now....
I hope you know me well now....
I never loved you Taehyung
I never in once thought of loving you and cherishing you all my life.....
I hope you know me well now....