Part 21
Part 21
𝓣𝓪𝓮𝓱𝔂𝓾𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓸𝓿:
Not a single tear slipped of my eye ever since I had been broken. I thought I would cry, I thought I would shout and yell and would break the glass the same way I felt broke. But that was not the case when I entered the room.
As soon as I had entered the room and closed the door behind me with a thud, I have felt the silence, I could feel it. It was just me and I was so scared to cry and watch myself break again.
I made myself sit on the bed which had a huge mirror just opposite to it, so clear and so scary, I could see everything. I could see my red eyes, my closed knuckles which had turned white now and my face with absolute no emotions, it was a long time I had seen myself back to where I was few years ago.
Beautiful days had passed I think, when Jungkook had made me feel the best of all years I have been living in this soul.
Jungkook
The name felt so easy on my tongue but it's weight crushed me inside.
Something fell from a long height in my chest.
I remembered ,what have I realized just now into the halls of his palace.
And it felt so harsh.
I was in love, a fairytale , where I thought I'd marry and live forever with my Love, turns out it would never be real.......
It took just a day, for everything to vanish in thin air....
The months of love, the months of waiting and hope.
The months of friendship and happiness.....
I remembered the long days I grieved for him, my hands empty and idle, plucking the air like birds peck at dry earth .
The nights I had spent worrying for him to come back safely in my arms.
I felt anger rushing my veins.
He betrayed!!! He lied!!!!! How could he????????
I felt my breathe come out in unequal sequence of roughness.
He said he'd stay!!!!
He said I was the only one.
He promised he would never leave my side.
Then how can he never tell me he had a wife???? He was in love!!!
He watched me falling for him until I cried nights alone .
Despair, Agony, Envy and Hollow I felt everything.
I sat there on the bed hugging my body as I thought of the days and months we cherished.
They were real.
Nowhere the moments I loved were the tails.... It was real. He was real.
Then why?? Then how did I end up here like this???
Evening passed by with me sitting up in the corner of the room. I had declined to join jungkook and his parents and his wife for dinner. I felt sick, sick to core to go down and watch him have dinner with his family. I had embarrassed myself enough.
Thought he loved me and would have a family with me in future. How silly was I to built and life in future when he showed me no signs to be there with me in my present.
I was the one to dream of it, he had done nothing.....
My mind played tricks and games with me the more I thought of everything. I was stuck, stuck between the past and the present i lived in.
My body jerked at the Loud knocks on the door. I promised I won't open them ever, I would not want to see him, not at least now.
I hate him.....
I hate him too much to even look at him .
I stood up, and walked close to the door.
"Who is it? " I said
"Tae"
" Tae, it's me love. Open the door"
Breathe stuck in my throat and I pushed myself away from the door.
"What are you doing here Jungkook?? "
There was silence before the door creaked a little.
Oh-
This was his palace, he had the keys.
He sighed as he entered the room.
A beautiful little smile adorned his face.
He wasn't even a hand difference from me when he stared at me and probably saw my tear stained cheeks and red eyes.
His smiled disappeared, and I started to feel cold wind wrapping my body.
In an instant he was there cupping my cheeks as he examined my mortified face.
"Ohh God, Tae. What's wrong??? You have been crying??? "
He sucked in breathe, before wiping out the tears of my cheek.
"What happened??? Are you not well?? Did anyone say anything to you??? Do you not like here pearl?? "
"You even missed the dinner I thought you were feeling nauseating due to traveling we did. "
"Come on lets eat, I haven't ate anything either. I was waiting for you"
It didn't even took a second of my life to realize, his concern was so real. His eyes were puzzled and confused, his lips wobbled with every word he uttered. His face screamed of care.
He never lied.
I have known him for months and I had know like no one did. He loved me.
He loved me.
But his love was different then what I did to him.
I realize it now.
I loved him with a motive of him loving me back someday.....
I loved him selfishly.
But it was not like that for him.
He just kept taking care of me and protecting me, he wanted nothing out of me.
Or may be he did wanted something from me and It was me who had read everything wrong.
Look at him holding me in his arms and asking me if I was fine.
There were a thousand things I might have said, to reproach him for his naïveté. He had never understood a thing but his own, he never took the raw emotions and break them down in meanings every person on the land did.
In the days before our friendship, I had almost hated him for this, and some old spark of that flared in me, trying to relight.
How could he be so foolish? The angry words pricked in my mouth.
"You were married all this time. "
I clutched his collar, tears now finally finding there way out.
"You were married al this time and you never said a thing"
He flinched at the emptiness of my voice. But how else was I to sound?
"What? "
" You were married Jungkook "
"I know I was. And so? Tae I don't understand what are you crying for pearl"
" Is it because I never told you? I'm sorry, it never came to my mind that it must be so important for you to know"
"I'm sorry. Please don't cry"
For the very first time, I felt my anger reaching the limit I thought I never knew.
How was he so miserably witless to not understand anything.
" Jungkook would you answer me something ? "
He nodded instantly.
I stared at him, he still looked like the child he would always look when he was worried and confused about something.
I love him
I love him so much.
I gulped at the dryness my throat had.
" When you kissed me, did you think of her? "
He gasped at the question and his grip tightened around me.
I sobbed.
"When yo—you Closed your eyes everytime you were inside me. Did you think of her?? "
My chest felt hollowed, and egg-shell thin.
"Answer me please, I cannot bare the weight of these questions on me anymore"
He cupped my cheeks with his soft hands.
"Not on the days when I didn't miss her"
My heart thundered heavily in my chest as I released slow pants.
It made sense.
It all made sense.
His cheeks were flushed with shame, and the skin beneath his eyes was weary.
"So you came to lain me when you missed your wife????? "
I half yelled.
I didn't wanted to, but arguing and yelling at him was the only way I could run away from the truth.
The truth that he did exactly what he had too, the truth that I was his paramour because I had to let him lain me when he felt alone.
He did nothing wrong.
"Tae, No. Oh god tae. You know I would not do that. "
"Then give me a single good reason Jungkook. A single reason for why you kept calling me Queen when u were inside me? Tell me why would you close your eyes everytime you kissed me. You were thinking of her. You thought it was her. You wanted it to be her and never me"
"Tae, you both are different. What are you saying is not true"
"How is it different when you thought of her everytime you were with me??? It was her jungkook, it was always her"
Oh, God.
My chest felt tight. He'd given my fragile heart more than it could take and now it squeezed against my ribs so hard that I thought it would burst.
I clutched my chest as more gut-wrenching sobs wracked my body. I'd never felt pain this potent before. It was unfathomable, searing, suffocating.
"That's not true. You know that's not true. "
He yelled back.
"It is true Jungkook. You just can't accept it"
"Don't talk about the things you don't know tae. " His anger was now evident.
" Then why don't you answer me? Why don't you explain me? "
He was watching me closely, reading my face over and over, like a priest searching the auguries for an answer. I could see the slight line in his forehead that meant utmost concentration.
My chest heavied and I was barely breathing with all the yelling and crying.
"Tae, I think you need to rest. Let's talk tomorrow, when you are sane to hear me out"
"You said, you won't hurt me kook. You said you would never use me like those men did. For my body" I mumbled.
I thought of it, the nights when he called me queen and he left the room and the times he kissed me with eyes closed.
The bile churned inside me, I felt the urge to throw up every chunk of food I had Inside me.
His eyes darkened as his face turned red.
"You really think that??? You think of me so low Taehyung?? I'm not going to explain you. I'm not going to tell you what I felt when I was with you. Because you don't deserve it. You thought I used you for your body??? When all I thought of you was so much more then anything I have ever experienced in my whole life "
Hearing it soothed the last of the jagged grief. My throat was thick with the beginning of tears.
" You don't deserve to know " His voice flattened at the end of the sentence. He leaned on me, his head on my shoulder.
I thought I'd yell at him and it would give me thousands of reasons to hate him. But now I know it's something I can't control.
Because, so many minutes passed and I still was so hopelessly in love with this man.
I could not hate him.
How bad, that I thought I would leave him alone and never think of him again, but here I was, still letting him hold me.
"I love you Jungkook, I always had"
He sobbed in the depths of my shoulder blade.
"I know pearl, I love you too—
" As a lover. I have loved you since forever like a lover and not as a mere companion "
He was stunned.
He detached and watched me smiling a crooked smiled .
"What? "
I nodded.
"Yes, I love you jungkook. I have always had. And I thought you did too"
His faced showed guilt and immense hurt .
"Tae I— Yeri "
" Listen to m yeah? " My hand seeked the way to his chest, near his heart.
I tried to breathe evenly.
I would not want him to tell me he loved his wife.
I rested my head on his chest, listening to rhythm of his heart beats.
I could never match eyes with him when I was saying that.
"I know, I know now that you never loved me"
"I did, I do love you Tae" He retorted.
"You don't love me like you love your wife though" I mumbled
He sighed.
"You both are different. My love for her is so different from what I love you"
"Why won't you understand"
" I feel so betrayed and heartbroken right now to understand anything sane my love"
"Tae, I'll do anything you say. I'm so sorry . I hurt you so bad"
"Can you leave me alone for few days my honour? "
He wrapped his arms around me.
"No, please let's not do this. You know I can't "
"Please, I'm too broken right now and you being this close to me breaks me more. "
"I promise I won't leave you, I'm your paramour, I can't leave you unless you let me go yourself"
" So I'll be here as long as you want me too"
" Tae I really never thought of any bad to you"
"Shhh, I know, you would never. I'm sorry for saying it. "
"I'm not able to understand what I have been feeling kook. I just feel too much. I need to breathe a little and organise my thoughts and act accordingly. But I can't do it if I keep having you wrapped around me like this"
"It stings me"
" So till I feel myself, please let's stop this. I hope you understand me"
"Okay, Okay if that's what you want. But I'm here. I hope you know, I'm here. "
I nodded as we stayed in each other's arms.
He Caressed my cheeks softly and I held him close so firmly.
I know he'd walk away...
I know he'd return to the person he love.
So I take everything he gives me right now.
I'll take anything he gives and I'll Treasure it forever.
" All different types of love, and you are still the one I think of when I think of Love. I loved you from the day I saw stars in your eyes, but my actions and words always betrayed the feelings I had. I'll loose a worth living life rather then loosing you. I have loved you so much "