Opening up
The space inside the small corner shop was barely visible when they ran in, its isles only slightly illuminated by the pale moonlight. Most of the shelves had been ransacked, leaving rubbish and unwanted items all over the floor. Arisu could see the area looked relatively secure, they could rest easily here until the morning came. He sighed in relief, grateful that Chishiya had insisted on leaving. One of his hands felt strangely warm, and he turned to the shorter man standing next to him, another wave of embarrassment hitting him when he realized what was happening.
They were still holding hands.
Chishiya had had to guide Arisu across the street like he was a child, and neither of them had thought to de tangle their hands when they arrived? Chishiya must not have noticed yet.
Arisu carefully slipped his hand away from Chishiya’s, immediately missing the warm comfort it brought.
Weird.
Chishiya slipped his hand into his pocket, as if he was sulking. No, he must have just had cold hands, he wouldn't want to keep Arisu's hand.
...Right?
“We should look for some food, and clear an area to sleep in.”
Chishiya’s voice brought Arisu back to earth , and he nodded dumbly, the words getting caught in his throat. The blonde gave Arisu a small, tired smile and sauntered off in search of a place to rest, hands still in his pockets. Arisu tried to ignore the butterflies he felt in his stomach, he had never seen Chishiya smile before, it was nice.
To be honest, Arisu’s recent emotions had been confusing him. He felt something different about Chishiya, it was unlike anything he had felt before. The strange thing was, he trusted him completely. Even though Arisu knew of the man's lack of empathy, and the incident at the beach, Arisu would gladly put his life in his hands without a second thought. He also felt a warm fuzzy feeling when he looked at Chishiya, and his heart sped up alarmingly quickly. This confused Arisu, he didn’t understand why.
He didn’t feel like this with anyone else, not even Usagi, so what made the older man special?
Arisu stopped pondering when he saw three unopened packets of ramen squashed deep into the back of a shelf. He dug them out with a grin, they wouldn’t be able to cook them, but that was ok, Arisu was starving. He also managed to scavenge some unopened water bottles, which were a little dusty.
No matter.
The gamer decided to return to Chishiya, who had settled in a cleared space by the back wall of the shop, the litter pushed away to allow the pair to sit down comfortably. His eyes were closed, but they snapped open when Arisu approached, and he shuffled to the side so he could sit down.
Arisu passed the food to Chishiya and they ate in silence, the food sounding annoyingly loud in the tense atmosphere. The walls seemed to be getting tighter, squashing Arisu slowly as he battled with his anxiety.
Chishiya hadn’t said anything, but Arisu could tell he wanted to explain his embarrassing meltdown.
But how to start?
“I’m...sorry,” Arisu decided to start with, immediately cringing at how pathetic he sounded. Chishiya must hate being stuck with him.
Chishiya was still silent, so he continued.
“I shouldn’t have put you through that, I’m sorry. It’s unfair that you had to look after me. It’s just, that place-”
“Arisu stop.” Chishiya turned to look at the dark haired man, with an unreadable emotion in his eyes.
“I know what happened in those gardens, you had every right to react the way you did, if anything, it's my fault for bringing you there in the first place.” he said, his voice unusually gentle and understanding.
Arisu didn’t know what to say, a confused noise bubbling out of his mouth.
He had gotten shot, fainted, made Chishiya carry him away from a deadly shooter, endangered both of their lives, ran off and fainted again, then had a complete mental breakdown in the older man's arms. Like a baby. And Chishiya was the one apologising? He felt a rush of sadness remembering his incident with Karube, but sucked it up and turned to reply to the blonde.
“But I-” he started
“Don’t Arisu.” Chishiya interrupted again.
“I know you like to carry the guilt for everything on your shoulders, but I need you to understand you didn’t do anything wrong. And besides, we are still alive aren't we? Thats what matters, in the end. If you make yourself responsible for everything, it will destroy you.”
Arisu felt tears prick his eyes, Chishiya cared, and he had said exactly what Arisu needed to hear. The sincerity of the man was unusual, but comforting.
“Would you like to talk about it?
Arisu swallowed back his emotions, and started to speak, in a hushed tone.
“I saw him Chishiya. He was right there-but he wouldn’t let me come near him. He made me chase him, like I-like I did before” Arisu was trying, and failing, to hold back his tears as he thought about his friends cold, cruel eyes, watching as he fell apart.
He took a moment to gather himself, then spoke again.
“I killed him. It was my fault that Karube and Chota died. Back home, I was a nobody, but with them by my side I felt like I ruled the world. We always stuck together, we promised each other we would never separate. They were my entire world, they were all I had and I killed them! I’m a monster Chishiya, and that will never change.”
Angry tears were now running down Arisu’s cheeks, and he didn’t care If Chishiya saw them.
“Karube was going to propose to his girlfriend, he was so excited when he showed us the ring. Chota had promising job, a future. But I, I had achieved nothing! I had no life to return to, yet I was the one to survive. It should have been me! I should have died that day, not them. God knows I deserve it.”
Arisu fell into silence. He did feel a little better getting that off his chest, he had been keeping it bound tightly for so long. He waited for Chishiya to speak, to tell him he was right, and that he should have died instead of his friends. Chishiya broke the silence after about a minute.
“I was a doctor.”
“Huh?”
“In the real world, I was a surgical intern. I wanted to follow my fathers path, I wanted him to be proud of me. I also wanted to see if I truly cared about people. I thought that perhaps if I did a good job, if I saved some lives, then that might make me feel my own life was worth living.”
Chishiya paused and looked at Arisu. Arisu tried his best to give him a comforting nod, urging him to continue. So he did.
“It didn’t help. The hospital was corrupt, it cared more for money than for giving people fair treatment. I remember a time one of my patients could not receive an organ transplant, despite being promised one, due to another child needing one. The other child's family were a major contributor to the hospitals funding, so he automatically received the best treatment possible. I gave that poor child and his mother false hope, and I had to tell them he would die. That job destroyed me, when I came to the borderlands I was glad to be free of that hell, and my parents expectations.”
Chishiya looked uncomfortable, like he was expecting Arisu to start hurling abuse at him. Instead Arisu rested a hand on his arm, and gave a small, dry chuckle.
“Seems like we both have pretty shitty family's.”
Chishiya raised an eyebrow slightly, and Arisu opened up.
“My father only cared about my younger brother’s success, I was a failure, and he hated me for it. He has been cold to me since my mother died, he wasn’t there for me when I needed him the most. I know he would trade me in a heartbeat for a chance to see my mother again. He had no love for me.”
Arisu had never admitted that to anyone before, and he felt lighter as the words flew out of his mouth. Talking to Chishiya was just so easy, and all his secrets seemed to just spill out of his chest.
Neither of the pair felt the need to say anything more. The silence they sat in was not awkward at all, and Arisu yawned. The duo were both exhausted and needed rest, now he had calmed down, Arisu could feel the sleep pulling at his eye lids. Chishiya must be feeling even worse, as he had been awake when Arisu had fainted earlier.
They lay next to each other on the floor and waited for sleep to take them. Arisu could see Chishiya’s chest rising and falling slowly from the corner of his eye, it was relaxing to watch the blonde, to hear the gentle breaths coming out of his parted lips. He was amazing that Chishiya had opened up to him like he did, it painted the man in a new light. The world had been cruel to him.
Suddenly something strange caught his eye. Chishiya was not wearing his usual jacket. That was strange. Arisu remembered Chishiya wearing it while they were running from the King. Had Chishiya dropped it somewhere? That was a shame, Arisu liked that jacket, it had looked good on him.
But then Arisu made the mistake of looking down at his arm, to check his wound. Expecting his white shirt, Arisu was confused when he saw...Chishiya’s jacket?
Oh god.
Arisu had been wearing it this entire time!? How had he not noticed it before! He must have looked like a complete idiot, spilling his feelings to Chishiya, all while wearing the older man’s clothes. Arisu could feel his face burning, how was he supposed to sleep like this.
Chishiya stirred next to him, grumpily asking:
“Arisu, what the hells wrong with you? Your breathing like a freight train!”
His voice was slightly husky from sleep, which didn’t help Arisu's embarrassment.
“Err.. sorry I woke you, would you like your jacket back?”
Arisu managed to say, his voice stuttering a little. Why was he so nervous about this? Wearing and nearly falling asleep in someone else's jacket was completely platonic.
Completely.
“Ugh I can’t be bothered. Keep it, and go back to sleep,”
Chishiya rolled over again and Arisu tried to calm his breathing. Everything was fine, there was nothing weird about this situation at all. He would just return it in the morning,like nothing was wrong. Arisu turned to his side and enjoyed the extra warmth the extra layer provided. He buried his head into it, because he was cold, definitely not because it smelt dizzyingly strongly of Chishiya.
Arisu eventually managed to fall asleep, his dreams tinted with bleached hair and cat like eyes.