Chapter 1
Once upon a time there were two princes. One was golden of hair and a warrior, and the other, black of hair and a scholar. Both princes were loved by their parents (except that the dark haired one wasn’t, some say) and both were very handsome, like, L’Oreal commercial hair handsome.
Now, the golden haired prince was a buffoon, or a golden retriever, it depends on who you asked.
The dark haired prince was a precious bb who was not evil just misunderstood, again this depends on who you ask.
And there were other people there too, like their dad who is known for his A+ parenting, their mom, who is like either really loving or nonexistent, Xena, warrior princess who is totally on love with blond brother, Robin Hood who is all blond and suave and shit, Jackie Chan’s silent brother who probably could kill a man with his ponytail, Red Beard’s gluttonous twin brother, and that token black guy that is really cool and totes badass but scares the crap out of everyone at the same time.
There’s also a horse that one eyed joe rides that’s his kid’s son, but that’s a story for another day.
Oh, and a sexy ass hammer that is like, soo playing hard to get.
So, the blond haired prince went and got himself in a fight with the Blue Man Band (I’m blue daabadeedabadie) and eyepatch daddy in an A++ parenting moment banished him on the cusp of a friggin war. (Really silence of the lambs?)
Anyway, blond ass dude lands on earth and is found by star wars chick, one broke girl and dude with a vaguely familiar accent. They take him to a hospital where he beats up innocent medical personnel for comedic purposes but it’s actually really funny when they stick him with horse tranquilizers in his ass so I guess it was a comedic moment.
Sexy hammer lands in the Mexican (sorry, NEW MEXICAN) desert and random people try to lift it to country music, and Stan Lee is there, too.
But sexy hammer’s all like:
“Nuh uh, you ain’t getting’ none a dis, I’m too sexy fo’ yo’ asses”
Except it didn’t say anything, just hummed. But that’s hammer language for everything, I guess.
Anyway, Dark haired Lord of the Hair Gel found out that he’s actually a dwarf giant smurf and has a “So that’s why daddy didn’t love me!” tantrum. One eyed daddy has a heart attack and albino smurf ends up being king of City of a shit ton of Gold and wears a golden ram’s horn through the whole movie and actually makes it look badass.
Anyway, Blond Thunder goes to get sexy hammer but she doesn’t put out so he cries in the rain when he’s all muddy and sweaty and hot as hell. Scary Agent Man asks Blondie some questions and leaves and Dark Lord of the Goats shows up and lies through his teeth like a boss and makes Burly Blondie cry like a baby with his blue ass eyes making me wonder if he had the tesseract with him (Seriously, they’re like, the bluest blue to ever blue).
Something happens with Black Swan girl and Yggdrasil, the World Tree and a crappy drawing and sleeping and cooking and then the Shakespeare Band gets back together and fights iron giant before he bitch slaps Blondie.
Blondie gets electrocuted by sexy hammer who decides that he is worth her time after all, and together they beat the crap out of Iron Man, Dark Haired Sex God and a homosexual bridge. Blondie and Daddy-Doesn’t-Love-Me are hanging on at the edge of the gay bridge when One Eyed Anthony Hopkins shows up and says the fatal A++++ parenting words:
“No, Loki.”
And Dark-Gel-Lord goes catatonic and lets go and epic “NOOO!!” occurs from flying brick blond guy.
The End.
Oh, and Hawkeye was there, too.