Fall

They were young and they were in love and Loki never would have dared to hope that he could ever have been so happy. He had loved the secret kisses in dark corridors and the stolen touches in hidden alcoves. Thor had been his and his alone.

But then something dark had gripped Loki, something that to this day, Loki cannot explain. He loved Thor and had told him as much almost every time they touched. Loki had always known that Thor would ascend to the throne; he had known it from a young age but that did not make it hurt any less when Odin announced that Thor would soon be king.

“You are of age, Thor.” Odin had declared one day at the dinner table. “Your day shall be upon us very soon.”

Thor had beamed, his face still slightly rounded from his bountiful youth.

“That is most excellent, Father. I thank you.” He boomed, practically vibrating beside Loki.

Loki had felt numb, his cheeks blushing furiously as he kept his eyes on the piece of meat before him. He could feel Frigga’s eyes on his head, her gaze boring into him.

“Loki, you are most quiet.” She had pointed out gently.

“I don’t know what to say.” He had croaked, picking up his fork with a shaky hand.

“Congratulate your brother, perhaps?” she had urged.

Loki had swallowed hard and slowly brought his gaze to meet Thor’s. Thor had watched him carefully, his blue eyes reflecting a deep kind of hurt that Loki had never wanted to see there. Loki had offered him a tight smile and a mocking bow.

“Congratulations, brother.”

Even Loki had been surprised by the amount of venom he could squeeze out of that one word. Brother. If they were not brothers then Loki would not feel like this. If Loki had not been raised all his life thinking that he too may have the throne then he would not think that his heart had stopped beating.

“Thank you, Loki.” Thor had mumbled, the joy of the occasion long passed.

Loki had glanced at his mother and he knew she knew. She could see deep inside his soul. She understood the creature he truly was.

.

“He has repented enough, Mother. He does not deserve to be locked in that horrible box any longer.” Thor explains, a frazzled look on his face.

Frigga continues to slice her meat delicately, her face carefully blank.

“He does not repent, Thor. He is even more bitter and jaded than before.”

Thor sighs loudly and runs a hand through his messily braided hair.

“Mother, Loki may be a lot of things but he is not foolish. He surely realizes that his repenting is what shall grant him his freedom. He is truly sorry for the blood he has spilled.” He insists.

Frigga clears her throat quietly and raises one eyebrow.

“And what about his acts against nature? The ones involving you?”

Thor blinks and feels the heat rise to his cheeks. He looks down at the meat and gravy before him and tries to think of an appropriate answer.

“Your silence is more than enough.” Frigga says with a sad smile. “He does not repent.”

“Neither do I.” Thor mumbles quietly. “I could never seek forgiveness for my love for Loki because I do not see it as a sin.”

Frigga nods slowly.

“That is the problem, my sweet and most beautiful son.”

.

Once the day of Thor’s coronation ceremony was announced, Thor had desperately searched the palace to seek out Loki. Crowds of people whom Thor did not know had tried to stop him, tried to congratulate him but Thor only wished to speak with Loki.

“Thor! Thor!”

Thor had spun around to see his youngest brother, Balder, racing towards him, a bright smile on his face.

“Where are you going? Are you going on an adventure?” Balder had asked excitedly.

Thor had glanced at him distractedly and forced himself to remember that there were years between them, Balder was still only a child.

“No. I am just going to find Loki.” He explained with a tight smile.

Balder continued to beam and stepped in beside Thor.

“I shall help you so.”

“No. There is no need.” Thor said quickly, desperate to shake off his youngest brother. “I wish to speak with him alone.”

“But-”

“Perhaps another time, Balder. Now run along, I must make haste.”

Thor had not even spared a glance for his younger brother as he raced along the stone corridor of the palace. Balder has stood there, watching him go, feeling more and more invisible.

.

“Thor needs you to understand.” Sif said quietly as they sat by one of Asgard’s most glorious lakes.

The light of the moons reflected beautifully off the navy waters. The stars above them shone bright and Sif could not help but wonder if Loki missed this.

Balder exhales loudly beside her and fixes her with a level look.

“I cannot understand, Sif. I have tried but I do not understand how they could…” Balder’s voice trails away as he catches himself.

Sif does not know the extent of his brother’s love for one another. Balder wonders if she would understand, wonders if she would explain it to him.

“How they could what?” Sif urges, rolling on to her side so that she may see Balder better.

Balder exhales slowly and takes Sif’s hand in his own.

“Promise me that this will forever remain between us?”

“I promise.” Sif says quickly.

“Swear it on our first born?”

Sif squeezes Balder’s hand and smiles.

“I swear it. What you tell me shall never go past my lips.”

Balder closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath.

“Thor and Loki, they… they have been lovers for as long as I can remember.” He whispers, his eyes remaining closed as he waits for Sif’s shrieks of disgust and outrage.

He is greeted by silence. He opens one eyes and see’s Sif watching him carefully.

“But they are brothers. They share the same blood.” She says slowly.

Balder nods.

Sif lets go of his hand and rolls onto her back, gazing up at the stars above her.

“They are your brothers.” She adds. “And regardless of how they love each other, you should love them too.”

Balder looks at her in shock.

“But-”

“But nothing. What Loki and Thor do or have done is irrelevant. This will pass, this confusion that you are feeling. But you are all princes of Asgard and leaders of the Nine Realms; a united front is essential.”

Balder shakes his head quickly.

“I hate them. I hate them both for what they have done to our family.”

Sif regards him carefully for a moment, a sad look in her eyes.

“But you are destroying your family by locking one away and forbidding the other to see him. Thor is king and someday Loki shall rule by his side, whether we like it or not. You should support them, Balder, if you wish to have any family at all.”

.

Balder remembers finding them.

Thor had been in a rush, insisting that he needed to find Loki. His coronation date had just been announced and Loki had not taken the news well. Balder can recall racing after Thor, asking if they could go on an adventure. Balder had always wanted to travel with his older brothers, even if Loki scared him. Balder had watched him go with a heavy heart. He was just about to turn around and go back to his chambers when Angerboda, his father’s healer, had stepped out of the shadows, a bright smile on his face.

“You should follow them. They are going to the lakes.” He had announced.

Balder had frowned up at him.

“How do you know?” he demanded rudely.

Angerboda tapped his nose and winked.

“I see things, my boy. Go to the lakes and convince them to take you on an adventure! They are always off frolicking together, aren’t they? It hardly seems fair.”

Balder had regarded him coolly for a moment before turning on his heel and tearing out of the palace, hoping he would catch up with Thor if he ran quick enough. He raced through the golden fields of barley and corn and tore up the hill that led to one of Asgard’s most majestic lakes. He paused for a rest when he reached the top of the hill, catching his breath, wondering if he should try sneaking up on his brothers. He would love to catch Loki off-guard and surprise him with his stealth.

Balder had dropped to crouch in the long grass and began to make his way towards the middle clearing where he could hear the low rumble of Thor’s voice. As he neared closer he began to still, catching pieces of the conversation.

“…it changes nothing…”

“…expected to take a wife! Where does that leave…”

“…truly believe I would forget you...”

“…to bear your child and what then…”

“…love you, brother, and no other could ever…”

Balder frowned as he tried to make sense of the conversation. He waited another moment as silence fell before getting to his feet. He slowly stood and gasped loudly as he saw his brother entwined in some sort of complicated embrace. He was frozen as Thor began to unlace Loki’s trousers; his slighter brother pushed up against a tree, clawing at Thor desperately, their mouths working against one another furiously. Balder tried to drag himself away as Thor pushed himself into Loki but his legs gave way. He collapsed to the ground, the horrible sounds and sights of the moment burning him. He made a loud choking sound and listened as Loki stopped moaning, demanding Thor do the same. The grass around him was long but not long enough to conceal him completely and he would never forget the moment Loki’s eyes met his. Balder understood in that moment that he was no brother of Loki’s.

“Balder.” Came Loki’s calm greeting as Thor desperately fumbled about, trying to right them both. “What have I told you about skulking about the shadows?”

Before Balder could answer, Loki had magicked himself right in front of him, his face white and pinched. He glared down at Balder with undisguised hatred.

“People get upset when they see things they shouldn’t.” Loki continued. “They get confused about what they really saw. You saw nothing really, brother, did you?”

Balder opened his mouth but before he could get the words out Loki had grabbed him by the throat, squeezing threateningly.

“Nothing. You saw nothing.” He hissed, his face but inches from Balders and Balder can smell Thor off him.

“Loki! Loki, let him go!” Thor demanded, grabbing the darker brother around the waist and pulling him away from Balder.

Loki did so reluctantly, his green eyes shining dangerously.

“If you so much as breathe a word to anyone, I shall cut your tongue out, shove it down your throat and watch you choke on it. Understood?”

Balder felt the tears burning the back of his eyes and looked at Thor pleadingly. Thor wouldn’t meet his gaze, one arm still wrapped around Loki’s waist and Balder quickly realized where his loyalties lay.

“I won’t tell a soul. I swear it.”